Did you read the title of this and say to yourself, "What in the heck is a demisexual?" Believe you me, I totally get it. When I first happened upon the word, I felt the same way. What's really a trip is, once I discovered the definition (which we'll get into in just a moment), I said to my own self, "OK, but aren't most women demisexuals?". At least on some level? Hmph.
In a previous article, I already explained that it's common for all human beings to have "a type" (check out "According To Experts, We All Have A 'Type'"). Well, the interesting thing about demisexuals is, many classify them as being on the spectrum of being asexual (free from sexual desire or sexuality). Personally, at least on the surface, I find this to be pretty strange because, it's weird—or maybe the more appropriate word is "sad"—that culture has gotten to a point and place that if you aren't down for one-night stands, hook-ups or casual sex, you must be closer to being an asexual human being. To me, demisexual goes much deeper than that surface-layer resolve, though. In a minute, you'll see why I've personally come to that conclusion.
What Exactly Is a Demisexual?
Alright. Enough alluding to what a demisexual is. It's time to put it right on out there. Believe it or not, there is an entire website that's devoted to what it means to be a demisexual. It says that 1) a demisexual is an actual sexual orientation and 2) a person who is someone who doesn't feel a sexual attraction for someone unless there is an emotional connection that has been established first. Again, doesn't that seem like a vast majority of us? Let's go deeper and see.
Personally, I'm someone who can find a man to be fine-and-then-some-mo'-fine, whether I know him or not or he ever says a word or not. And while I've certainly had my "he could get it" moments, I must admit that I wasn't really being serious or literal. I've never had a one-night stand. Plus, my claim to past-sexual-partner-fame (or infamy, depending on how you look at it, I guess) is I only slept with guys who I was friends with first; not shallow versions of friendship either. For the most part, I had known them and they knew me (and we spent significant amount of quality time together) for quite some time. And that bond is what made me wanna give it up.
Well, a demisexual is actually similar in this way. Oftentimes, they are not sexually drawn to someone unless they are a close friend or someone they've come to know a lot about. Yet here's where some of them differ from a lot of us who might immediately consider ourselves to be one—the reason why some demisexuals do fall onto the spectrum of asexuality is because, typically, sexual attraction isn't something that someone is able to control. Sure, they can control actually going through with the act, but when it comes to wanting/lusting after someone, either the feeling is there or—it isn't. When it comes to demisexuals, however, sometimes no sexual attraction occurs, even if there is an emotional bond that has transpired between them and someone who is attractive. This is why some demisexuals can go their entire life with only having a couple of sexual attractions, they can even go their entire life only being into one person. At the same time, what makes them different from all-out asexuals is, they are capable of sexual attraction; the desire just isn't as strong and the instance doesn't seem to occur, even a fraction as often as it does for demisexuals.
Bottom line, a demisexual tends to not have the highest sex drive on the planet, only desires sex when a profound emotional tie is in place and, tends to only merge the "drive" and "tie" rarely while others can be sexually attracted without the need for any time of emotional bond. Make sense?
What Are Some Demisexual Traits?
I remember when I first discovered that I was an ambivert. I happened upon the term while doing some research because, I knew that I was definitely not an extrovert, but still, certain parts of my personality didn't match-up with being an introvert either. I'm willing to bet that's how some of you are feeling about the word "demisexual" being introduced into your psyche as we speak. While you definitely know you're not asexual, something about you does feel a little…different. But if you're still not sure if demisexual "scratches the itch", let's touch on some demisexual traits that are telling signs that you could very possibly be one.
Sex really just ain't that big of a deal. On the site that solely focuses on demisexuals, I read about a study that said that two-thirds of demisexuals are either uninterested or repulsed by sex. That said, do keep in mind that this fact leaves one-third of others who still "check the boxes" of being a demisexual who thoroughly enjoys copulation. Still, if you're someone who relishes in all of the intimacy that comes with being in a relationship sans the actual sexual act (for instance, you like the idea of actually sleeping in the same bed with someone, so long as oral sex or intercourse do not transpire) or, if sex is something that is "cool, I guess" but you honestly would be fine with or without it, for pretty much the rest of your life, that is one indication that you just might be a demisexual.
You are way more into someone's personality than their looks. Listen, live on this earth past your early 30s and you get to the point of understanding and accepting that good looks ain't always all that they're cracked up to be; not by a long country mile. It's kind of like how a box can be wrapped up beautifully, only for you to open it and find nothing but worms inside of it. So, being the kind of woman who wants more than merely someone who is nice to look at does not make you a demisexual. At the same time, those of us who are totally into sex do want to be with someone who we are physically attracted to, right? For a demisexual, that's not really a requirement. Since sexual attraction isn't much of a priority to them, being with someone who looks good isn't that big of a deal. They are far more interested in how someone makes them feel on the mental and emotional tip than what they can do for them on a physical level. In fact, it is quite common for demisexuals to be close to stunning while their partner is basically the complete opposite. They don't care. They like the companionship so, at the end of the day, that's all that really matters in their mind.
Even for demisexuals who are interested in sex, friendship has to be the foundation first. When you're a demisexual, it's pretty difficult to get to the point of having sex with someone (even if you've got some sort of a sex drive) if you're not totally comfortable with them and very emotionally connected to them. That's why, if a person is interested in a demisexual, they've got to have quite a bit of patience with the relationship because sex is not something that will happen any time soon. It's usually only after the demisexual believes there is a real friendship that anything physical can take place. Even then, there are no guarantees.
OK, with all of this said, I think it is really important to also drive home the point that being abstinent for religious, spiritual, or even simply personal reasons is not the same thing as being a demisexual.
I've been abstinent for almost 14 years now (yeah, after 14…pray and we'll see, chile) and, now that I know so much more about how a demisexual thinks and moves, I am absolutely not one. While I'm also not interested in sex if there is no emotional connection in place, I am indeed interested in sex, and, back when I was engaging, my drive was fairly high. I just thought it was important to bring this point up so that you don't click off of this and figure that just because you may not be gettin' any at the moment, it could be because you are a closet demisexual.
Again, demisexuals do require emotional attachments in their relationships but for the vast majority of them, if that never transitions into sex, they are fine, someone being physically/sexually attractive or appealing really isn't that big of a deal, and their drive is typically on the lower side.
You know how the saying goes—knowledge is power. I'm hoping that if you're someone who likes emotional intimacy but really is "good" on the sex tip and may have been wondering if something is wrong with you, that you now see the answer is "no" and you are not alone. You're a demisexual and that's OK—because that's simply who you are and that's all good.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- Demisexual Definition - What Does It Mean to Be Demisexual ›
- What does it mean to be a demisexual? And are you one? - The ... ›
- Demisexuality - Meaning and How to Tell If You're Demisexual ›
- What Does Demisexual Mean? Here Are 6 Signs That You May ... ›
- What Does Demisexual Mean? 17 FAQs About Sex, Attraction, More ›
After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (firstname.lastname@example.org) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
How Content Creators Hey Fran Hey And Shameless Maya Embraced The Pivot
This article is in partnership with Meta Elevate.
If you’ve been on the internet at all within the past decade, chances are the names Hey Fran Hey and Shameless Maya (aka Maya Washington) have come across your screen. These content creators have touched every platform on the web, spreading joy to help women everywhere live their best lives. From Fran’s healing natural remedies to Maya’s words of wisdom, both of these content creators have built a loyal following by sharing honest, useful, and vulnerable content. But in search of a life that lends to more creativity, freedom, and space, these digital mavens have moved from their bustling big cities (New York City and Los Angeles respectively) to more remote locations, taking their popular digital brands with them.
Content Creators Hey Fran Hey and Maya Washington Talk "Embracing The Pivot"www.youtube.com
In partnership with Meta Elevate — an online learning platform that provides Black, Hispanic, and Latinx-owned businesses access to 1:1 mentoring, digital skills training, and community — xoNecole teamed up with Franscheska Medina and Maya Washington on IG live recently for a candid conversation about how they’ve embraced the pivot by changing their surroundings to ultimately bring out the best in themselves and their work. Fran, a New York City native, moved from the Big Apple to Portland, Oregon a year ago. Feeling overstimulated by the hustle and bustle of city life, Fran headed to the Pacific Northwest in search of a more easeful life.
Her cross-country move is the backdrop for her new campaign with Meta Elevate— a perfectly-timed commercial that shows how you can level up from wherever you land with the support of free resources like Meta Elevate. Similarly, Maya packed up her life in Los Angeles and moved to Sweden, where she now resides with her husband and adorable daughter. Maya’s life is much more rural and farm-like than it had been in California, but she is thriving in this peaceful new setting while finding her groove as a new mom.
While Maya is steadily building and growing her digital brand as a self-proclaimed “mom coming out of early retirement,” Fran is redefining her own professional grind. “It’s been a year since I moved from New York City to Portland, Oregon,” says Fran. “I think the season I’m in is figuring out how to stay successful while also slowing down.” A slower-paced life has unlocked so many creative possibilities and opportunities for these ladies, and our conversation with them is a well-needed reminder that your success is not tied to your location…especially with the internet at your fingertips. Tapping into a community like Meta Elevate can help Black, Hispanic, and Latinx entrepreneurs and content creators stay connected to like minds and educated on new digital skills and tools that can help scale their businesses.
During a beautiful moment in the conversation, Fran gives Maya her flowers for being an innovator in the digital space. Back when “influencing” was in its infancy and creators were just trying to find their way, Fran says Maya was way ahead of her time. “I give Maya credit for being one of the pioneers in the digital space,” Fran said. “Maya is a one-person machine, and I always tell her she really changed the game on what ads, campaigns, and videos, in general, should look like.”
When asked what advice she’d give content creators, Maya says the key is having faith even when you don’t see the results just yet. “It’s so easy to look at what is, despite you pouring your heart into this thing that may not be giving you the returns that you thought,” she says. “Still operate from a place of love and authenticity. Have faith and do the work. A lot of people are positive thinkers, but that’s the thinking part. You also have to put your faith into work and do the work.”
Fran ultimately encourages content creators and budding entrepreneurs to take full advantage of Meta Elevate’s vast offerings to educate themselves on how to build and grow their businesses online. “It took me ten years to get to the point where I’m making ads at this level,” she says. “I didn’t have those resources in 2010. I love the partnership with Meta Elevate because they’re providing these resources for free. I just think of the people that wouldn’t be able to afford that education and information otherwise. So to amplify a company like this just feels right.”
Watch the full conversation with the link above, and join the Meta Elevate community to connect with fellow businesses and creatives that are #OnTheRiseTogether.
Featured image courtesy of Shameless Maya and Hey Fran Hey
I Tried One Of The Most Popular Sex Toys On The Market & Now I Get The Hype
Not sure which sex toy to buy to spice up your bedroom sessions? The Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation (NG) may be one to consider. It is one of the most popular clitoral toys on the market. This revolutionary toy transformed the way people experience pleasure during sex and has taken the world by storm.
Satisfyer Pro 2 NG differs from your typical vibrator because it offers indirect clitoral stimulation using air pulse technology and an oval-shaped mouth that makes stimulating your clitoral hood easy. Since it's inexpensive and has received a lot of great reviews, it's an excellent choice for those who are new to clitoral toys.
Design & Features of Satisfyer Pro 2
The Satisfyer Pro 2 NG is a clitoral stimulator that features 11 different settings and a unique design that allows for maximum stimulation and pleasure. The head of the toy is made from soft, flexible silicone, which provides a gentle but powerful massage that stimulates all parts of your body while still remaining comfortable enough to use over long periods. The handle is ergonomically designed, so it fits easily in your hand and can be maneuvered with ease. Additionally, it's waterproof, so you can take it with you into the shower or pool without worry.
Another feature of the Satisfyer Pro 2 NG is a set of buttons that control its suction intensity. The round power button and a much larger oval-shaped button that's close to the nozzle each have a "+" and "-" on them, which you press to adjust the strength of the suction.
Satisfyer Pro 2 NG
Compared to the previous model, the Pro 2's controls are easier to use and more intuitive. The + and - buttons are now joined together, which means they're easy to find even when you're not looking at the device.
The Satisfyer Pro 2 NG is designed to provide intense pleasure through its 11 different settings. The settings range from gentle pulsations to powerful vibrations that give you more control over how deep your orgasm will go. You can easily build up to an orgasm without causing a huge jump, and you can back off at lower levels to prolong your pleasure.
I prefer the lower settings for an orgasm that feels more chill, but there are plenty of higher settings if you want to push things a bit harder. I've had no issues with this toy causing bruises or pain, but you should be prepared to test it out before deciding on the right setting for you.
My Honest Thoughts
One of my favorite things about this toy is that it can be controlled through the Satisfyer Connect app, which you can download for free. This allows you to control your Satisfyer Pro 2 NG through a smartphone or tablet. The app also lets you select the vibration pattern and intensity that you'd like to use. There are ten different vibration patterns and intensities available, so there is plenty to choose from. There are also a few pre-programmed options, which is a nice addition.
It's worth noting that you don't have to use the funnel-like tip that comes with the Satisfyer Pro 2 NG, as there are many different shaped silicone heads available that will fit most users. You can buy a pack of five for under $10, which gives you a great variety to choose from. Lastly, the battery life is also impressive, lasting up to two hours on a single charge, so there's no need to worry about running out of power in the middle of an intimate session!
All in all, I think that the Satisfyer Pro 2 NG is an excellent choice if you're looking for a high-quality sex toy that will provide intense pleasure every time. The combination of pressure waves and vibrations makes this toy incredibly versatile and easy to use and operate, even for beginners. Additionally, its waterproof design ensures that it can be used in any environment without concern for damage or malfunction due to water exposure.
So if you're looking for something new and exciting in the bedroom, consider giving the Satisfyer Pro2 NG a try! You won't regret it!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by miniseries/Getty Images