Who Knew There Was Such A Thing As "Bad Orgasms"?
Y'all, you don't even have to say it. With as much time as I devote to studying the topic of sex, on a pretty consistent basis, even I have moments when I will stumble across a concept that leaves me a bit stumped. Although it has indeed been a while since I've partaken of the beautiful act known as coitus, my memory is still quite keen. And while some sex was better than others (see "What Exactly Does It Mean To Be Sexually Compatible?"), I generally didn't have problems achieving orgasms (also see "Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP"). Annnnd, from what I can recall, all of them were pretty damn good.
That's why, when I checked out an article that was recently featured on Health's website and I noticed that it was exploring the entire concept of what a "bad orgasm" actually is, you know a sista was super intrigued. I'd be baffled if at least a few of you aren't too. So, just what is a bad orgasm, you ask?
What in the World Is a “Bad Orgasm”?!
OK, so there is a study that was published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, right? If you want to read it in its entirety, you can do so by clicking here. Just a heads up, it's long and technical, so if you want a general concept of what it revealed, it's this. After surveying approximately 726 different people, the researchers came to the conclusion that we are capable of having orgasms that aren't all that pleasurable. And, if we continue to have them, they are able to create negative impacts on our relationships, our psychological health and our sexuality overall.
For the record, while the study did also delve into what happens to people when they have orgasms during sex when it is not consensual (because sometimes our bodies mechanically respond to sexual stimuli no matter how much our minds and emotions aren't into it), the part of the study that was featured in Health's article is referring to the kind when both parties agree to "do it".
And just what kind of sex is consensual, brings forth an orgasm and still the orgasm is considered to be bad? That's a really good question. Let me answer that by offering up more questions. Have you ever had sex with your partner in order to avoid having a difficult conversation or disagreement that you didn't want to get into? Have you over "pushed yourself" to climax in order to give your partner the impression that you are just as satisfied as they appear to be? Have you ever had an orgasm with someone, whether it was via oral sex or intercourse, and the overall experience felt kind of empty because the emotional connection simply wasn't there (whether that's ever or at a particular time)? Perhaps you don't have a problem with "getting there", but the sex and climax ends up being borderline painful because you're not wet enough or the way that you are being penetrated isn't as comfortable as you are generally accustomed to. Has that ever happened to you before?
Dayum. When you look at it this way, you're probably thinking, "Whoa. I've been having way more 'bad orgasms' than I ever should have been." The researchers agree and that is the overall purpose for why they are trying to get us to grasp on to the concept of what a bad orgasm is. They want us to realize that, when it comes to having truly great sex, there needs to be more focus on "great" and less on "orgasm"; especially since, for the most part, orgasms are merely a physical reaction to sexual stimulation.
Not to say that our minds and hearts can't help to make climaxing easier (especially for women), but if after you "reach the mountaintop", you basically feel like you actually would've preferred doing something like clean your fridge, clip your toenails or even just avoided your partner altogether…does that sound like good sex to you? Exactly. That technically would qualify as being a bad orgasm. (Bad sex too when you really stop to think about it.)
How Do Good Orgasms vs. Bad Orgasms Compare to One Another?
The more I gave bad orgasms some thought, my mind went back to a lot of the conversations that I've had with women—both online and off—about how sex for them is "just OK". It's not because they aren't attracted to their partner or that he is lacking in his abilities; it's because they just don't feel as into the experience as they want to be. One woman, in particular, she recently shared with me that, while she climaxes on a very consistent basis, she wants no kissing, no cuddling and she actually wants to get the heck up out of dodge within 10 minutes of the act being over. Not just some of the time. Pretty much most of the time. Yeah, now that I know what a bad orgasm is, I think that she definitely falls under the umbrella of it.
Adding to her sexual experiences, because word definitions are a big deal to me, I revisited what "good" and "bad" mean. When something is good, it's high quality. It's also morally excellent, kind and beneficial. Some synonyms for good include positive, satisfying, wonderful, pleasing, welcome, gratifying and agreeable. Sit on those for a moment, would you?
Taking all of this into account, I then thought about a guy I know who tells me all of the time that, during the act of sex, he keeps walls up with his partners because—and this is a direct quote—"I am not there to bond with them. I am there to perform a service." Bless his heart. He said that, not because he's a jerk; it's basically because he goes into the act with "make them cum" on the brain—that is all that he's really focused on. That is all that he is actually trying to achieve—you make me orgasm, I'll make you orgasm. Have a nice day. It's not a connection. It's merely transactional. A lot of casual sex is just like this. Whew. This concept of bad orgasms is getting bigger and bigger the more I think about it.
And that, that made me think about what the word "bad" means. I don't know about you but, whenever I usually think about it, I think about something (or someone) being wicked, evil or morally void. But did you know that something that is defective is also bad? So is something that is deficient, inferior in quality or—get this—"lacking skill or talent". Some synonyms for the word "bad" include cheap, blah, amiss, careless, substandard, offensive and just plain off.
So, in putting all of this together, if an orgasm is truly good, it's going to come from having a positive, satisfying, welcome and beneficial experience. You will be able to look back on the act and the climax about being able to apply all of these words. On the flip side, if the orgasm is bad, it's going to feel like the experience was deficient in some way. It might also feel cheap, blah…maybe even something went down that was amiss or slightly offended you.
Or, after your partner got off of you (or you got off of him), in your mind you thought, "I mean I came and, while I can't quite put my finger on it, something is…off." If you can say that, my dear, you've just had what is known as a bad orgasm.
That's the bad news. The good news is this—the cool thing about this entire concept is, now we can put a name to why sometimes sex "does what it is supposed to do" in the general sense, but we're still not walking away feeling as content as we actually should. Bottom line, it's because not all orgasms are equal. Some are good. Some are bad. And that's because some benefit our entire being while others…don't.
Yeah, I can only imagine how many people you're gonna share this idea with. While you're at it, forward this article to your partner to see what his thoughts are on the notion. Sex is simply too incredible to be out here thinking that, so long as you have an orgasm, it should be enough for you. Naw sis. If that orgasm isn't good—by every definition of the word "good"—then it is bad. And you deserve more than to be out here settling for bad orgasms. Feel me? Chile, I know that you do.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream
10 Things You Didn't Know About The Male And Female Orgasm
How To Orgasm With Your Partner At The Same Time
My First Orgasm Changed Everything I Thought I Knew About Sex
Feature image by Giphy
- How Can I Tell If I've Had An Orgasm - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Health Benefits Of Women Having Orgasms - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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It's Time To Get Out Of The 'Drama Triangles' In Your Relationships
Although the goal with all of my content is to provide at least one ah-ha or light bulb moment (no matter what the topic may be), there are times when I will learn something and then I can’t wait to share it with my clients and also those who are familiar with my byline — because everything in me knows that it will be life-altering information on some level.
Today? It’s what’s known as the Karpman’s Drama Triangle, and when I tell you that it has the ability to set you free when it comes to some of your personal and professional work dynamics? Chile, you have absolutely no idea.
The backstory is a psychoanalyst by the name of Stephen B. Karpman came up with what is known as Karpman’s Drama Triangle back in the ‘60s and then turned it into a pretty popular book, one that helps to explain the dysfunctional situations that a lot of us find ourselves in — and don’t know how to get ourselves out of.
If that alone has already piqued your interest, grab yourself a cup or glass of your favorite beverage and take a good 15-20 minutes to take this all in. Because if you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired of certain folks or patterns, this might be just what the doctor ordered.
What Is a Drama Triangle All About?
Karpman's Drama Triangle
Okay, so what is a Drama Triangle? According to Karpman’s extensive research, at some point, we all play a role in our relationships with other people, including those we have with ourselves (meaning we can have internal drama triangles). We play the Persecutor, the Victim, or the Rescuer. Okay, but before getting deeper into this, let me briefly explain what each of those roles looks like.
The Persecutor: These are the people who always think that it’s your fault. They have a tendency to blame victims for the decisions that they made and then criticize rescuers for trying to help victims out. The good thing about them is they set boundaries and uphold them. The challenging thing about them is they tend to be highly inflexible to the point where they seem like a bully and low-key controlling at times.
The Victim: This is the individual who is constantly in the “poor me” position. They are really bad at personal accountability; they always think someone is to bail them out of their problems, and they pretty much just let life happen to them as they act like they don’t have any real power over their world and its outcome. This keeps them stagnant as they let the persecutor criticize them, and the rescuer saves them as they do basically…nothing. The good thing is they are gentle in their approach to life; the problem is they are passive as hell.
The Rescuer: Although it probably is pretty self-explanatory, the rescuer is always trying to help the victim. Not only does this cause them to catch heat from the persecutor, but it also makes the victim totally reliant on them to the point where the rescuer oftentimes ignores their own needs, feels totally drained, and ends up becoming the victim’s crutch as they are seen as weak by the persecutor. One of my favorite quotes is by Aristotle: “The excess of a virtue is a vice.” It fits in quite well for the rescuer. The positive thing about a rescuer is they are compassionate; the not-so-good thing is they wouldn’t know a boundary if it ran them over.
What turns these three things into a drama triangle is the fact that Karpman says, oftentimes, we find ourselves moving in and out of these roles, usually without even noticing it. And, we tend to do them in extremes. For instance, when it comes to your overbearing mother, you may be the victim. Yet, in your romantic relationship, you may be the persecutor. On the other hand, when it comes to your boss, you are the rescuer.
The problem with all of these is when you’re in the extreme of any of these three positions, it’s going to cause, well, drama. And honestly, that makes all of the sense in the world when you stop to think about the fact that drama is life moving in extreme ways too.
And since this culture is constantly moving in extremes to the point where I’m not even sure if folks know if something is “dramatic” or not anymore, let me break down some clear signs that you’re dramatic, in drama, or addicted to drama (or dramatic people):
- Dramatic people focus on negativity
- Dramatic people overexaggerate
- Dramatic people are stuck in patterns
- Dramatic people constantly need attention (or to be the center of attention)
- Dramatic people aren’t clear and concise in their communication
- Dramatic people stay in unhealthy relationships
- Dramatic people are always in some ish
Now think about the current state of your relationships, again personally as well as professionally. Are any of them…dramatic right now? If so, what role do you play in all of that?
Are You the Problem in Your Relationships?
GiphyOkay, so say that you realize that you’ve got a problem with being stuck in a counterproductive pattern with a girlfriend because she is always in some sort of unhealthy romantic relationship. She’s the Victim, and you’re the Rescuer. How can you know for sure that you both are in those positions?
Well, aside from the definitions that I already provided for the Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer, some additional traits for the Victim are they like to act helpless about their issues, they complain a lot about things that they can actually change, and they also tend to be quite manipulative because, whatever heart string that they can pull on to get you to invest more time, effort and energy into doing the work that they should do to better themselves, they will gladly do it.
Meanwhile, as the Rescuer, you are almost on-call when it comes to your availability, you’re constantly self-sacrificing, and you tend to do it to the extent where you’re acting more like the mother to a child than a friend. Then you’ve got another friend who is sick of both of y’all’s patterns and so they are constantly berating you two about it. That person would be the Persecutor.
On the other hand, when it comes to your job, you are the Victim while a co-worker is your Persecutor. And what does that look like? Well, you’re the one who is always complaining about how you’re being treated and that you feel overworked and taken for granted, and yet all you do is vent about it.
Meanwhile, the co-worker who’s listening to you is pretty aggressive when it comes to sharing their insights to the point where it almost seems like they’re bullying you to do what they would do. Yet because you’re so passive about this particular part of your life, you keep taking their almost demanding opinions and perspectives. At the same time, there is someone else at your job who feels bad for you, and so they are constantly defending you to the Persecutor and even doing some of your work so that you will feel better; they are the Rescuer here.
Do you see how, in both of these scenarios, nothing is going to get any better so long as things stay so…extreme for all “roles” involved? Without question, the only way that either of these situations is going to change for the better is if the parties involved are willing to recognize the clear role that they play and own it.
So, if any of this triggered you on some level, do some self-introspection: what role are you? Things can’t change until you’re willing, to be honest with yourself about who you are and what you are doing. And yes, I’m speaking from personal experience.
When it comes to one of my friend’s marriages, I know that I used to be the Rescuer. Her husband was so ridiculous, and everyone knew it (that’s not just my opinion; my friend ended up divorcing him, and then all kinds of stories of what folks really thought about him came out). She was the Victim, and he was the Persecutor. After a while, it started to take a real toll on my friendship with her because while she recognized all of the ways that he was controlling and emotionally abusive, she would blame his mom for why he was the way that he was — which created another triangle where he was the Victim, she was the Rescuer, and his mom was the Persecutor.
Yep, it’s easy to have drama triangles that are attached to or interwoven with other ones. SMDH. Anyway, it wasn’t until I was willing to look at the part that I played in the crazy train that I was able to set some boundaries — ones that ultimately ended up protecting and preserving our friendship.
This brings me to my next point.
So, How Do You Break Your Current Drama Triangles?
GiphyIf you were paying close attention to the characteristics of the Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer, you probably noticed that not everything about any of them was all bad. The problem is, again, they were moving in the extreme and that’s how things ended up getting dramatic. So, when it comes to breaking free from drama triangles, what you need to focus on, more than anything, is achieving some sort of balance.
Persecutors need to be less controlling and instead set boundaries while encouraging others to do the same. If the Victim or Rescuer chooses not to, there’s no need to get angry; it’s their life. Persecutors need to achieve balance by focusing on simply honoring their own limits.
Victims need to be honest about where they are and ask for help if they need it. However, they also need to understand that it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to invest more into their life than they are willing to. Balance is about getting support, not looking for a crutch — and definitely not trying to make people feel bad for not wanting to show up for your world more than you do.
Rescuers could stand to learn more about codependency, which, at the end of the day, is having an entire identity around saving other people. To tell you the truth, while it can seem on the surface that Rescuers are good-natured people, some of them like the power of feeling like they saved someone; it’s not always as altruistic as it seems. The ones who want the credit for the help or like to try and create certain outcomes with their help? Those are the ones I’m referring to that could use some humbling.
When it comes to all three of these, after seeing who you are in a particular triangle, honing in on how to “play your position” in a healthier and productive way is how you can break free from the triangle altogether. Make sense?
This Is How to Stay Out of Drama Triangles in the Future
GiphySo, now that you’ve been introduced to drama triangles, have probably seen yourself in at least one of them, and are learning how to get out of your current triangle, you’re probably wondering how to keep yourself from getting caught up in drama triangles in the future.
Good question. For you, I offer another kind of triangle with these three tips:
1. Spot potential drama very early on. There’s someone I know who is always asking from others (almost in an entitled way) and rarely doing for anyone else. Because I change my number like the wind, she doesn’t have my current one. She recently asked someone who has it for it, and they asked me if it was okay to share it. I am so tired of being the Victim’s Persecutor when she talks about all of the fallouts that she has with her rescuers that I told them “no.” When I see her out and about, cool. Yet, always arguing with her about how much she takes advantage of people while she acts like she’s doing nothing wrong? I’ll pass. That’s too much drama for me.
2. See yourself and own it. Again, based on the kind of relationship you’re thinking about, you may be one role consistently, or you might be all three at different times. The key is to know the role that you play and then be hypervigilant about being a less extreme version of it so that you can bring more balance and less drama to the situation.
3. Do what brings balance and peace. Greek author Euripides once said, “The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man.” Author Orison Swett Marden once said, “Work, love, and play are the great balance wheels of man's being.” Film producer Paul Boese once said, “We come into this world head first and go out feet first; in between, it is all a matter of balance.” Finally, writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said, “So divinely is the world organized that every one of us, in our place and time, is in balance with everything else.”
What all of these emphasize is a good life is a balanced one and when you strive to avoid drama while cultivating peace, you are well on your way to a life of balance.
____
Drama triangles. Lawd. We’ve all been in one; hell, more than one. Some of us are in one at this very moment. That’s the bad news. Hopefully, the good news is, that now that you see it for what it is, you can dismantle the ones you’re in and keep yourself from being a part of them in the future.
After all, life’s too short and precious for drama triangles.
Move forward, in straight lines, by achieving balance (and peace)…instead.
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Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images