What A Supportive Friend Actually Does (It's Not Quite What You Think)
Thanks to the current season of Insecure, all you've got to do is hop onto Twitter—Black Twitter, I mean—put in the words "Issa" and/or "Molly", and you're going to see a real-discussion-sometimes-war about what it means to have a real friendship. A good example of what I mean is Exhibit A.
It took Andrew to make Molly look around and see that issa was actually working and not bullshitting.
Your man rooting for your friend, another black women, more than you. Embarrassing.
— Come one... Come all 🗣️ (@hearyehearye_) May 14, 2020
Shoot, everything has actually gotten so intense to the point where executive producer Prentice Penny has come to the defense of Molly in the article, "'Insecure' Showrunner: Season 4 Backlash Against Molly Is 'Unnecessary'". Hmm. As someone who has been an avid watcher of the show, pretty much since day one, I've gotta say that "unnecessary" is a bit of a stretch (more on that in a bit). Then there is Issa Rae, the show's co-creator and her take on their dynamic. In one interview, she said, "They are friends, they are real-life friends, but there exists a specific dynamic in their friendship that both of them have gotten accustomed to. They're college friends who have taken on different paths." Real friends. That's an interesting conclusion to me as well.
I don't know about y'all, but I personally think the reason why a lot of what Issa and Molly have going on has us so triggered is because (thanks to this season's impeccable writing) we either have experienced what they are going through before or, perhaps we're recognizing that the Issa or Molly in our lives has us putting up with more than we actually should. And while their relationship has a billion-and-one takeaways, for me, I think what stands out, quite possibly the most, is it seems like they both could stand to gain a bigger grasp on what it means to be a supportive friend in someone else's life; especially if you profess that they are your best friend. If you give me a sec, I'll unpack a bit more where I am coming from by sharing some thoughts on what a supportive friend should actually do.
A Supportive Friend Makes You Stronger
While I'm not going to make this entire piece about Issa and Molly, I do think they both apply to my first two points really well. On the "make you stronger" tip, to tell you the truth, I think it's Issa who could stand to remember this particular point. Although Molly really has showed her ass in a lot of ways, one area where I totally get where she is coming from is Issa doesn't seem to be the most self-aware person on the planet. There have also been times, throughout all seasons of the show, when she comes across as extremely entitled and selfish, like when she automatically assumes that Molly is going to pick up the tab while they're out (like after the Kiss 'n Grind or when Issa wrecked her car and they went through a drive-thru to get something to eat). For Molly to get to the point where she is like "enough is enough" and "grow TF up" with her bestie, that doesn't make her evil or a bad person. It's just that her timing sucked in choosing to do it when Issa was in a bind. Plus, I'm not completely convinced that Molly's motive was pure. Without a doubt, she is passive aggressive as hell, with EVERYONE. She also isn't wrong in her eyes, hardly ever. But more on that in the second point.
Anyway, for Molly to want to pull back some so that her friend doesn't always treat her as her "get out of jail free card" is a form of being supportive, because if someone is always your crutch, if they are always enabling you, how are you going to mature and evolve?
The animal kingdom has all sorts of examples of mamas who, after a time, leave so that their babies can learn how to survive on their own. If we want our friends to be able to stand on their own, sometimes that means telling them "no". Not out of spite, but out of the sincere desire for them to embrace their own capabilities. That's one of the ways that all of us become stronger individuals.
A Supportive Friend Challenges You
If I had to choose between describing myself as being aggressive or passive aggressive, I'm definitely rocking with aggressive. I don't say "I'm fine" when I'm not (or act like things are fine when they aren't). I don't hold things in while waiting for someone to read my mind. I don't seek out to emotionally punish people who hurt me. Sarcasm isn't my first language. I'm not big on giving people the silent treatment. Meanwhile, Molly? Let me tell it, she's about all of these things. And since she sucks at being forthcoming about her feelings, wants and needs—and/or acts like folks should just automatically know about them—by the time she's suppressed to the point of being fed up, she comes across as mean…if not almost evil. She was like that with Jared (the Enterprise manager). She was like that with Jidenna's character (the lawyer). She was like that with Dro. She was like that with her dad when she found out that he did the same thing that she did (he cheated while she helped someone cheat). In this season, she did it with Issa (and she tries to do it with Asian Bae, Andrew). In fact, while I can't remember where I read the comment, a man by the name of Walt Bionick brought up another great point about how Molly tends to get down when he said, "Molly is the kind of person who invalidates your feelings if they conflict with her feelings." (I mean...)
Then, whenever all of these people bring to her attention that she could stand to look at herself and acknowledge that she's the clear common denominator in her relationships, she goes on the attack and acts like a victim (when Andrew apologized to her for helping out who is supposed to be her friend only "babied" her more into her toxic coping mechanisms, if you ask me. *le sigh*). Indeed, if anyone is the walking definition of not being able to take what they and their sharp tongue can dish out, it's Molly. Hmph. Perhaps if she listened to the people who truly cared about her, it could help her to get out of the cycle of constantly suppressing and then being resentful to the point of sabotaging so often—and so much.
Believe you me, some of the biggest "ouches" I've experienced have come from people who loved me enough to call me out on my ish. Anyone who thinks that a supportive friend shouldn't do that might want to mosey on over to Proverbs 27:6(NKJV) where it says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." I once read that this means a real friend will tell you about yourself without broadcasting their views to others because their intent is to challenge you to become a better person without putting you on full blast in the process. A mature individual will get that this is a form of support because if you only want people to see you as you do, there will probably be blind spots that will certainly hinder your progress—if not now, eventually. Friends want to see their friends thrive in life. Growing pains can be hard, so we have to be challenged, sometimes by our friends, along the way.
A Supportive Friend Is Lovingly Rather Than Brutally Honest
As direct as I am, personal growth is teaching me to dislike the phrase "brutally honest" more and more. I know folks are out here bragging about being savage and everything, but goodness—that is a really harsh word. While savage can mean "fierce", cruel, uncivilized and criticizing to the point of not knowing when and how to let up define it too. And you know what? All of this defines what it means to be a brutal individual. And who would want a friend, someone who professes to love and care about another individual, to speak from this kind of head and heart space?
I don't care if it's advice on a relationship or job, offering up some news that can be difficult to hear or being frank with someone about their personality or character, a supportive friend isn't going to lie. At the same time, what they also aren't going to set out to do is be honest in a way that ultimately does more harm than good. After all, one definition of support is to hold someone up. How can you do that if your words are so damning that all you actually end up doing is tearing your friend down?
A Supportive Friend CONSISTENTLY Wants to See You Win
One of the reasons why I wrote articles on this site like, "5 Signs Your Closest Friends Are The Most Envious Of You", "6 Signs A New 'Friend' Is Nothing But An Opportunist" and "10 Signs You've Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend" is because, make no mistake about it, deception is real, alive and kicking out in these streets. And the thing you've always going to remember about deceit is it's designed to look like the real thing…even though it's nothing more than a fraud.
How can you know when someone who claims to be a friend of yours is anything but? One sign is if they don't show any signs of wanting to see you win in life. You set goals and they automatically look at the obstacles—whether real or actualized—in order to discourage you. You ask for help and they are rarely available to assist. You end up with something (or even someone) that they wanted and they aren't enthused, they act shady or they even completely go ghost on you. It's like, so long as they are on top or you are "in the struggle" it's all good. But when success is within your grasp (or you've obtained it), now there's a problem. And that? That is a problem. By definition, a supportive person encourages, a supportive person helps, a supportive person rallies on your behalf. You know what else they do? They celebrate you in your wins. Not every once in a while, either; consistently so.
I've had some people in my life who wanted to be there so that I could support them. But when it came to me and my needs, I couldn't name one way that they were of assistance. That is wack. That's also (one of the reasons) why I released them too. A good friend is a great cheerleader. If you've got a "friend" who you can't say that about, I'd encourage you to rethink the role and position that they play in your life.
A Supportive Friend Loves You in Spite of Yourself. Period.
Is it just me or would it be super shocking if Insecure's Tiffany was hiding a secret about her baby, Simone? As a doula, while I must say that they are penning postpartum in a really realistic way (bravo!), Tiffany has always seemed to have a shady side to me. I mean, she did know that Lawrence and Condola were dating and didn't let Issa in on it. I also remember when her husband, Derek said he had to get "rid" of the co-worker Fred. Plus, Tiffany once said they had separated before but didn't want to talk about it (dun, dun, dun, dun). Chile, we shall see. But whatever is up, if there is one thing that the girls—Issa, Molly, Kelli and Tiffany—at least strive to do (even if it isn't always perfectly) is love one another…warts and all. Just as a supportive friend should do.
I don't know about you, but I've been in situations where I thought I was in a friendship. However, those people only acted like my friend so long as I had the same views, did the same things or approached life in a similar way to them. But when I wanted to do my own thing, even if that meant making some mistakes along the way, it's like I was penalized, if not emotionally punished for it. That made me want to be my authentic self with them less and less—and when you can't be genuine with someone, the relationship ends up being pretty unhealthy. And unhealthy eventually becomes unnecessary.
Another definition of supportive is sympathetic. That's when someone tries to understand how you feel. It's also when they extend compassion whenever possible. If your friends ain't doing that, if you're not doing that for your friends, support is severely lacking. And if you're not able to lean on each other and have each other's back—really, what are y'all doing? Why do you even call each other "friends" to begin with? Because, if at the end of the day, supportive isn't a top defining word for your friendships, it really is time to shift—possibly even move on. If anyone runs into Issa and Molly, relay the message, OK? I appreciate it.
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What If You Love Your Friend...But Don't Like Her Anymore?
Always Remember That Friendships Have "Levels" To Them
Featured image by HBO/Insecure
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Beyond Burnout: Nicole Walters' Blueprint For Achieving Career Success On Your Own Terms
Nicole Walters has always been known for two things: her ambition and her ability to recognize when life’s challenges can also double as an inspiring, lucrative brand.
This was first evident more than a decade ago when she quit her job as the corporate executive of a Fortune 500 company during a Periscope livestream. “I’m not sure if there’s an alignment of [our] future trajectory. I’m going to work for myself. I'm promoting myself to work for myself,” she said at the time before flashing a smile at the viewing audience. As she resigned on camera, a constant stream of encouraging messages floated upwards on the screen.
By 2021, she’d fashioned her work as a corporate consultant and her personal life with her husband and three adopted daughters into a reality show, She’s The Boss, for USA Network. This year, she released the New York Times bestselling memoir Nothing Is Missing, written as she was in the process of getting a divorce and dealing with her eldest daughter’s struggles with substance use.
Convinced that there’s no way the 39-year-old has achieved all of this without intentional strategic planning, I asked her about it when we spoke less than a week before Christmas. I’d seen videos on social media of her working on 2024 planning for other brands, and I wanted to know what that looked like following her own year of success.
She listed a number of goals, including ensuring that the projects she takes on in the new year align with her identity “as a Black woman, as an African woman, as a mother, as someone who has lived a [rebuilding] season and is now trying to live boldly and entirely as themselves.” But, I was shocked by how much of her business planning also prioritized rest.
Despite the bestselling book, a self-titled podcast, and working with numerous corporations, Walters said she’s been taking Fridays off. This year, she doesn’t want to work on Mondays, either.
“A lot of us think we work hard until retirement hits. I want to progress towards retirement,” she said, noting that she’ll check in with herself around March to see how successful this plan has been. The goal, Walters said, is to only be working on Tuesdays and Thursdays by sometime in 2025. “It is intentionally building out what I know I would like to have happen and not waiting for exhaustion to be the trigger of change.”
"A lot of us think we work hard until retirement hits. I want to progress towards retirement... It is intentionally building out what I know I would like to happen and not waiting for exhaustion to be the trigger of change."
Walters said the decision to progressively work less was partially in response to her previously held notions about her career, especially as an entrepreneur. “When I first started, I thought burnout was a part of it,” she said. “What I didn’t realize is that even if you’re able to bounce out of burnout or get back to it, there’s a cumulative impact on your body. If you think of your body as a tree and every time you go through burnout, you are taking a hack out of your trunk, yes, that trunk will heal over, and the tree will continue to grow, but it doesn't mean that you don’t have a weakened stem.”
But, the desire for increased rest was also in response to the major shifts that occurred three years ago when she was experiencing major changes in her family and realized her metaphorical tree was “bending all the way over.”
Courtesy
“One of the things we have to recognize, especially as Black women, is that there is this engrained, societal, systemic notion that our worth is built around our productivity,” she added. “That is some language that I think is just now starting to really get unpacked.” In recent years, there’s been an increased awareness of achieving balance in life, with Tricia Hersey’s “The Nap Ministry” gaining attention based on the idea that rest, especially for Black women, is a form of resistance. Even online phrases such as “soft life” and “quiet quitting” have hinted at a cultural shift in prioritizing leisure over professional ambition.
"One of the things we have to recognize, especially as Black women, is that there is this engrained, societal, systemic notion that our worth is built around our productivity."
If companies are lining up to consult with Walters about their brands and products, then women have been looking to her for guidance on starting over since she invited them to livestream her resignation 12 years ago. As viewers continue to demand more from content creators in the form of intimate, personal details, Walters has navigated her personal brand with a sense of transparency without oversharing the vulnerable details about her life, especially when it comes to her family.
The entrepreneur said she’d been approached to write a book for several years and was initially convinced she was finally ready to write one about business. “I started to do that, and then I went through my divorce. When that happened, I said, why would I write a book telling people to get the life that I have when I’m not sure about the life that I have,” she said.
Instead, she decided to write Nothing Is Missing and provide a closer look at her life, starting with being born to immigrant Ghanaian parents (“You need to know my childhood to know why I’m passionate about entrepreneurship.”) through the adoption of her three daughters and eventual divorce. Despite her desire to share, however, she said she felt protective of the privacy of her family, including her ex-husband.
When discussing this with me, Walters said she was reminded of a lesson she learned from actress Kerry Washington, who released her own memoir, Thicker Than Water, just a week before Walters’ book release. Washington’s memoir grapples with family secrets, too, specifically the fact that she was conceived using a sperm donor and didn’t learn about it until she was already a successful TV star. While Washington reflects on how the decision and subsequent deception impacted her, she’s also careful to hold space for her parents’ experiences, too. “A lot of things she said was that she had to recognize where she was the supporting character and where she was the main character,” Walter said.
This is something Walter worked to do in Nothing Is Missing when discussing her daughter’s struggles with addiction. “I was very intentional about making sure that I did not reveal more than what was required,” she said. “If I say something about someone’s addiction, I don’t need to go into the list of the substances they used, how they used them, what I found. [I don’t need to] walk into a room and paint a picture of what it looked like for people to understand.”
Walters said some of the most vulnerable moments in the book barely made a ripple once it was released. She was extremely nervous to write about getting an abortion, she said. But no one has asked her about this in the months since the book was released. Instead, people have been more interested in quirkier revelations, such as the fact that she once appeared on Wheel of Fortune.
“I have bared my soul about this thing I went through in my youth that has changed me for people, and people are like, ‘So how heavy was the wheel when you spun it?’” she said, chuckling. “It just goes to show that people never worry about the thing that you worry about.”
With the success of Nothing Is Missing, Walters said she still isn’t planning to release a business book at the moment. But, as she navigates parenting a teenager and two adult children while also navigating a relationship with her new fiancé, Walters said she believes she has at least one or two more books to write about her personal journey. “There is sort of an arc of where my life has gone that I know I’ve got something more to say about this that I think is important, relevant and necessary,” she said.
In just three years, Walters’ life has undergone a major transformation. There’s no telling what the next three years will have in store for her, but it seems likely she’ll retain an inspired audience wherever life takes her.
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Swipe, Set, Love: A Single Lady’s Guide To Dating With Dr. Stacii Jae Johnson
In the vibrant heart of Atlanta, the dating scene received a stylish upgrade courtesy of the dynamic Dr. Stacii Jae Johnson. I recently witnessed her matchmaker extraordinaire skills live in action at a speed dating soirée with a Mr. & Mrs. Smith twist. This event wasn't just an opportunity for singles to mingle; it also set the stage for Amazon Prime Video's buzzworthy new series coming in Feb 2024, adding a cinematic flair to the evening's potential connections.
Stepping into the world of speed dating for the first time, I couldn't shake the mix of nerves and excitement fueling my anticipation. The idea of meeting new faces in a fast-paced setting felt like the dating version of a rollercoaster ride—thrilling yet slightly nerve-wracking. Little did I know this night would spark a newfound eagerness to dive back into the dating pool.
Navigating the curated world of speed dating under Dr. Stacii's guidance, I found myself captivated by the creative ambiance and Mr. & Mrs. Smith theme. With Amazon Prime Video's collaboration, the evening not only held the promise of potential romance but also stirred anticipation for the upcoming series, creating a unique conversation starter among attendees.
As a 28-year-old navigating the dating landscape, this experience marked a turning point. The allure of speed dating not only melted away my initial reservations but also ignited a sense of hope and curiosity about what the future might hold. The event acted as a stylish nudge, prompting me to embrace the dating adventure with fresh enthusiasm, regardless of my past lack of serious relationship experience.
In an exclusive interview with Dr. Stacii, we delved into the world of dating advice for single Black women navigating the modern dating landscape. Dr. Stacii's wisdom, honed from years of experience, promises to be a beacon for those seeking genuine connections in a world saturated with swipes and fleeting encounters.
“The small talk is amazing. It's a great starter. But what I liked about this speed dating event hosted by myself in partnership with Prime Video for Mr. and Mrs. Smith, it allowed for real conversations to happen and real connections to be made,” emphasized Dr. Stacii.
“One of the things that I even stated was to keep your mind open. That's why we pushed so much with questions that were intriguing and questions that then can open the door to a level of thought that would not probably have been in the conversation with a normal speed dating event.”
Keeping an open mind is key in today’s dating scene. Dr. Stacii and I were able to chat about the struggles of being on dating apps and how social media is starting to alter people's perception of dating, where we should and shouldn’t go on a first date, and what's acceptable and what's not. She also gave some great advice for singles looking to still make meaningful connections, how to approach dating with steps to find out what we really want, and how to articulate that when we're looking to date.
“I think online dating is a great starting place for men and women and, of course, speed dating events like the ones that I host that come with loaded questions that can add to real connection,” Dr. Stacii responded. “Online dating for men and women is an opportunity to connect to more people than we would on a daily because we're all working, some of us taking care of children, and all of us have bills. It’s an opportunity for you to meet people quicker than you would normally.”
For some women who are still working through past traumas from previous relationships or even situationships, Dr. Stacii touched on how they can navigate dating while still healing from these experiences. “All of us were given the blueprints that our parents, caregivers, community, social media, or even trauma gave us. But none of us were really given a blueprint of what works for another individual and what doesn't. Online dating and dating in general is not something where you work through severe trauma, depression, or anxiety that you have over dating. You do that in therapy.”
In the modern dating scene, a lot of women have become comfortable shooting their shot at men they are interested in. I’ve personally slid in a few DMs myself and sometimes try to come up with clever, catchy sayings to really get their attention. Dr. Stacii and I discussed how women can operate in their feminine energy and gave tips on giving signals to men while in public.
Dr. Stacii Jae Johnson
Photo courtesy
“It's totally OK for a woman to shoot her shot. After you give a man a clear point of entry, you're letting him know that you're interested without a shadow of a doubt. After that, you allow him to receive you and then take the lead. I don't think there's anything wrong with initially sliding in someone's DMs, but women need to make sure to do their research and look thoroughly at the guy to make sure they don't see them involved in any relationship. Also, look at the character of the individual so it’s not just being led by a handsome picture of the guy or a car. These are all things that mean nothing to building healthy, romantic relationships.”
Rejection plays a huge part in the process of dating, and sometimes you have to learn how to “charge it to the game.” Dr. Stacii noted that men often take rejection harder than women. “Sometimes men want to approach but more times than not, they don't because some men are way more sensitive than women to rejection. Sometimes rejection from a woman to a man may be a little bit more harsh.”
It is a common aspect of dating and women who shoot their shot definitely experience it as well as men. Dr. Stacii gave some great tips on how to navigate rejection gracefully and maintain a positive outlook for the next time you want to take a swing at it. “Use dating as an experiment. Even how you shoot your shot. Asking, ‘What did I say that time that maybe didn't get a response or the response that I would have wanted?’ Use each encounter as a way to learn. A lot of times with women, they don't remember that there is a marketability in dating. If you are not acting as the woman who is in the market for the man that you want, then what can you do to get that marketability aspect that may be attractive to him? Make sure your marketability is in alignment with what that type of man would want.”
As I reflect on the whirlwind experiences—the dynamic "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" speed dating event and the insightful conversation with Dr. Stacii—I can't help but feel equipped with valuable insights for the dating landscape in 2024. Dr. Stacii's advice for single Black women navigating modern romance has been both enlightening and empowering, providing a roadmap for personal growth and connection.
Armed with this newfound wisdom and a renewed sense of enthusiasm, I'm looking forward to applying these lessons to my dating journey. Dr. Stacii's book, "Date Girl! 143 Reasons Why I Believe Women Should Date Multiple Men," is now on my must-read list, promising a deeper understanding of the complexities of dating.
As the countdown to February 2nd begins, I'm eagerly anticipating the premiere of the Amazon Prime Video series "Mr. & Mrs. Smith." With its promise of romance and espionage, both on-screen and in real life, I'm ready to embrace the twists and turns that the year holds for me. Here's to a year of growth, connection, and the exciting journey that awaits in the realm of modern romance.
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