We Failed Megan. Point Blank And Period.
Whew. This one right here? It's a lot. Too much, to tell you the truth. Yet before I try to even merely scratch the surface of what I mean when I say that we failed Megan, by the mere chance that she sees/skims/reads this (or someone who is actually close to her and is resonating with her pain in ways that fans and spectators simply cannot), I just want to say, on behalf of the entire xoNecole team, Megan, I am so sorry this happened to you. And by "this", there are layers.
I'm sorry that you were shot.
(Lord.)
I'm sorry that you being shot has been scrutinized since day one.
(Because it really doesn't matter how or why you got shot. YOU GOT SHOT.)
I'm sorry that a relational dynamic that you clearly wanted to remain private had to become public because you were scrutinized since day one.
I'm sorry that you felt that you had to post pictures of your wounds in order for skeptics, trolls and way-too-nosy people to believe you.
(I'm not gonna share those pics by the way. You deleted the pics, so I will honor that.)
I'm sorry that, during a time that should be really awesome for you, you've gotta be distracted by focusing on the trauma of the harm you were caused, compounded by the media, on top of all that what we don't know—that is absolutely none of our business.
I'm sorry that the Black community, as a whole, didn't rally around you; not because there aren't layers to the story but because you, as a Black woman, being harmed, by a Black man, is enough of a reason for you to get our full support. Because Black men should never harm a Black woman. And Black women should never harm a Black man. We are royalty. This is beneath us.
I'm sorry because, whenever harm is done to one of us, especially at the hands of one of us, we need to immediately call that to the carpet—loudly and clearly. Black people have to contend with enough. Us hurting one another—or not holding ourselves accountable if/when we do—is something that should never be a part of our narrative. Yet it is. Far too often. Unfortunately and disgustingly so.
I'll admit that "sorry" is not a usual go-to word (I prefer "apologize" which is another article for another time). But as a writer, I strive to be word-specific and "sorry" is exactly what I mean in Megan's case because one definition of the word is "feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.". And yes, after watching her video last night—one that confirmed that she was indeed shot by Tory Lanez—profound feelings of sympathy are exactly what transpired. That, along with regret that it took a lot of us watching that video to actually speak up and out. For that, Megan, I am also sorry.
If we're paying attention to this thing called life, other people's experiences can be teachable moments. Not only can they; they should be. Not only that but, whenever we fail others, it's a chance to do better. This is what I will strive to do, via some of the Twitter outcries from others who, I believe, are seeing Megan's current situation as, not gossip or fodder, but a rallying cry for us to do better. Much better. It's past time.
"Black Women Do Not Deserve This Sh*t."
If you haven't seen the video of Megan sharing what transpired the night she was shot, you can check out Baller Alert's post of it here. Even though it's just a little over five minutes long, what she's saying is really a lot to take in. Megan trying to walk away from an argument. Tory shooting her when she did. Megan being hesitant to say anything, even while she's bleeding, because police officers are suspect AF (if you want to get to the root of law enforcement, check out "How the U.S. Got Its Police Force" and when it comes to Megan's justified fear, check out "US police kill up to 6 times more black people than white people"). Megan going to the hospital and automatically being treated as a suspect. SMDH. Us constantly being treated so poorly, as a people in this country, that Megan didn't even feel comfortable being vulnerable with her medical team. Megan talking about trying to spare Tory, in spite of him shooting her (SHOOTING HER). Tory not being in jail right now because she didn't reveal that he shot her (SHOT HER). Megan doing a PSA in spite of her trauma ("Stop acting like Black women are the [MF'in] problem. Stop acting like Black women are aggressive, when all they be doing is speaking the [MF'in] facts…stop lying on people."). Megan asking folks to stop speaking on the situation like they were there when they weren't (a point that applies to ALL of us, by the way).
As a writer, a quote that I made up and try live by is, "Not everyone can write but all of us love to edit." What I mean by that is, whenever we either read about someone's life (or a version of it) or even when they offer us the privilege of knowing some things out of their own mouth, it's so easy for us to up and decide what is really going on or to determine what they should (or should not) have done, while serving as the very unsolicited judge and jury. Unfortunately, Megan is absolutely no exception to this reality. In fact, she's actually a roaring example right now. Yet we've got to keep in mind that, regardless of whatever we don't know—and may never know—her five-minute share was more than enough.
To be assaulted (assaulted means "a violent, sudden attack") by someone you know, to feel like you can't trust law enforcement or medical staff to protect you, and then to be berated constantly by cyberspace—we don't need one more detail of this instance. That is enough to come to a full conclusion that what happened to Megan was dead-ass wrong, on a few levels.
A Black man harming her. Dead-ass wrong. Being a citizen of a country where you can't trust the people put into position to protect you to do just that. Dead-ass wrong. Being basically cyberbullied into sharing aspects of your life before you want to and/or are ready. Dead-ass wrong. For this, Tory, the cops and medical team who came into Megan's path, along with anyone didn't apply the golden rule when it came to whatever they posted/shared about this totally f—ked up situation—all of these folks owe Megan a profoundly heartfelt apology. What's to debate about this? Absolutely nothing.
Please Keep That Same Energy
Yes Bree. Good point. I can't tell you how many white evangelicals I had side-eye discussions with about "WAP" while Jerry Falwell, Jr. was out here taking (and posting) pics with this pants unzipped and Trump—perhaps the most misogynistic man on the planet—is up for a second nomination (y'all…Y'ALL). Aside from the fact that Proverbs 5:15 instructs husbands to drink from their wife's cistern (look up the definitions of cistern sometime) and Song of Solomon not being exactly PG-rated, the hypocrisy of it all? Whew!
By no means am I trying to cram "WAP" down anyone's throat. You have every right to not like it, to find it to be in poor taste and/or to feel, however it is that you do, because, indeed, bullying can go both ways (you don't have to like or support what is popular…not at all).
But damn—the amount of think pieces against the song that exist vs. the silence that has transpired when one of the artists featured on the same song has shared that she was shot by someone else in the industry is literally disgusting. Y'all got time to be upset about a normal biological function but not violence against women? And by "y'all", I mean anyone who took precious time out of their day to denounce a song but somehow can't find a fraction of that same time to acknowledge that a woman being assaulted is egregiously vile.
And here's the thing—"WAP" is debatable; violence against women isn't. Ever. Anyone who's determined that they are a moral authority, Romans 13:10 tells us that love doesn't harm its neighbor. Silence is a cryptic and complicit form of causing harm. The reason why I say that is because, if blatant sexuality offends you then violence against women should absolutely outrage you. Does it? Has it?
Fellas, Where You At? Really?
I have been very open (and unapologetic) about the fact that I am a complementarian. That is someone who believes that men and women are equal in value yet have different strengths and weaknesses that serve to complement and balance one another; especially in relationships. So, I am definitely not the one who spends my time talking about how trash men are or how much women don't need them. Let me tell it, the PTSD of slavery has Black men and Black women constantly going at each other for sport (again, SMDH). Yet, at the same time, because I am a complementarian, I wholeheartedly believe that men are to play a very vital role in protecting women; not because women can't protect themselves, but we simply shouldn't have to alone.
That said, there is not one scenario where it would make sense to me that a man would shoot a woman who is trying to deflect a situation, so it goes without saying that Tory failed at a part of his responsibility of being a man, miserably so. Yet, I've gotta agree with Jasmyn on this one too. While I can't speak for all men in the world, I will say that I did some due diligence this morning to see what men—especially men with a platform—had to say about Megan's video and, for the most part, you could hear a pin drop. Again, silence can be complicit and, to be honest, it shouldn't be a "matter of opinion or perspective" for men want to totally take the "WTF?!" approach to hearing that a woman has been harmed; especially by one of their own. It should be a natural reaction, to tell you the truth. The fact that it's not, means that our community is also failing when it comes to men unconditionally supporting women who've been put into harm's way—because that is a trait of masculinity. Isn't it?
Megan spoke truth when she said that so many individuals are already and automatically against us as Black people. This means that if anyone should have our backs, it should be us. Black women should not just feel safe around Black men—ALL BLACK MEN—but we should also feel that, when a man isn't operating in the knowledge of what he is supposed to do and who he is supposed to be, other Black men will rebuke and correct him…because that, too, is a form of protecting us. And of being a responsible male human being. No man should have to know Megan personally to be outraged that she was harmed.
It takes a village to do a lot of things. Supporting others through their trauma and healing is definitely on the list. Fellas, where you at?
Stop Expecting Black Women to "Carry" You All the Damn Time
Ugh. If I read one more tweet from a white liberal about how Black women are gonna save them—AGAIN. Lawd, please don't assume that white GOPs are the only opportunists out here. It's very common for Black people—especially Black women—to be used around election time, only to have our needs be totally discarded after votes are tallied and we carried this nation…one more time.
My point?
Black women are amazing. We're beautiful. We're brilliant. We're resilient as hell. We love hard and fiercely. We've got a connection to the Most High that is subhuman. Yes, all of this is true. Yet this assumption that our main or only purpose is to carry y'all—ANY AND ALL OF Y'ALL—is a form of abuse that isn't given the kind of PSA that it deserves. We are gifts to this world, not merely your fill-in-the-blank-whenever-you-need-a-blank-filled resource.
And that's what else makes me say, "I'm sorry" to Megan. I really do. For so many of us to be brought up, to see and/or to be pressured into thinking that we've got to put our own needs and desires aside, constantly, so that others are good, that isn't the indication of being a "strong Black woman". It's actually the sign of a total breakdown in the reality of how we, as Black women, are to be esteemed and treated; especially by Black men. Lord, can you imagine being harmed by someone you know, only to be expected to protect them, as you're trying to process actually being put into harm's way—at the same time? It's been past time for Black women to be required to have a high threshold of pain in order to represent our worthiness.
Sorry is about sympathy, remember? I've got sympathy for Megan in this area because I can totally relate. My molester didn't go to jail, shoot that man didn't even get arrested, because "Christians" decided for me that another approach needed to be taken without even asking how I felt (and I was a teenager at the time that I told). The victimizer was protected more than the victim. And that victimizer continues to violate boundaries (trying to contact me, speaking to me when he sees me, etc.) that were set, even to this day, because he wasn't held accountable from day one.
Surviving all of that trauma isn't a sign that I should've had to endure it. Megan surviving her trauma isn't a sign that should've had to endure hers either. It's a brutal insult to say or even believe that, since a Black woman could "take", whatever it was, it wasn't that bad. Again, WTF? We shouldn't have had to "take it" at all. Folks need to be strong enough to say that, on repeat, for generations to come.
I could go on for days. I really could. But if you're a Black woman reading this, I'm sure you can relate enough to where no more really needs to be said. At least not for now. I'll just conclude with, when I say that we, as a whole, failed Megan, I'm mostly coming from the definition of fail that is "to prove of no use or help to". The Dalai Lama once said, "If you can, help others. If you cannot do that, at least do not harm them." Harm isn't just physical injury. Harm is also mental damage and moral injury too. A sistah of ours was harmed. Before you judge, before you post, before you "edit"—are you about to help her or cause her further harm?
Far too many of us have already failed her by not asking this very question before now.
Let's help—satisfy a need, contribute strength and make things easier—from here on out, OK?
As a people, this should be a given.
Because it wasn't, again Megan, I'm truly sorry.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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