I Asked 10 Men What Turned Them On. This Is What They Said.
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. If you want to know what a man is really thinking, while your girlfriends—well, at least some of your girlfriends—can offer up some insight, you're going to be far better off picking the brains of your dad, your brothers, or some of your male buddies. I can vouch for this because I can probably count on one hand, the times I went to a guy and then a girl for advice on the same issue and they both had the same perspective on it. Men and women are different. God made them that way. Simple as that.
That's why, when it comes to topics like how men approach marriage, emotional connections, and sex, I think it's much wiser—enlightening too—to ask them directly than to be presuming or guessing with those of the female persuasion. When I asked several Black men about what turns them on, while the answers didn't surprise me much, some of the explanations behind them were interesting.
Sidenote: The actual turn-ons are direct quotes, but because there were a lot of "streams of consciousness" going on during the interviews, I decided to simply summarize their explanations so that you can get the overall gist. I hope that's cool with you.
So fellas, what turns you on about women? Whoops, let me specify—about Black women?
Here's What Turns Men On
“A woman who has a signature scent.”—Andre’, 32
Okay. So according to Andre', a lot of women smell too much like, well, other women. "I think the scent that you wear is a lot like the style that you choose and real style doesn't pay attention to what's in or out. Ladies with style are interested in what works for them." He has a good point there. He also told me that he's into essential oil blends instead of perfumes. And a woman who puts her signature scent in her hair can get just about anything she wants from him. Good to know, Andre'.
“Someone who is comfortable without make-up—at home and in public.”—Isaac, 27
I'm a woman and still, I find it interesting when some women get offended when a man says he's not a fan of make-up or extensions. I mean, if it's true that ladies are "doing it for themselves" and not for a guy's attention, applause or approval, why should it matter what men think…right? Anyway, what Isaac broke down to me is, as cliché as it might be, he agrees with Drake (in his "Best I Ever Had" song) when he said, "Sweat pants, hair tied, chillin' with no make-up on. That's when you're the prettiest, I hope that you don't take it wrong."
"A woman who knows how to, what do the ladies say, 'beat' their face is an art form, no doubt. But it's not the most convenient for us. Make-up gets everywhere and their lips have residue on them. I dunno. I think a woman who can go out with nothing but lip gloss…there's something about her level of self-confidence that is super sexy to me."
“Manicured feet, soft hands and a sexy pair of shoes.”—Bryant, 40
When Bryant told me what his top turn-on was, I smiled because it took me back to one of my male besties when I was in college. I had never seen a foot fetish quite like it; he even told her that he'd prefer pretty feet over a beautiful face or a bangin' body (for real?!). When I shared this with Bryant, he nodded in agreement. When I asked him to explain WTH that was all about he said, "Do you know how much a woman loves herself if she makes sure to pamper her feet?" And the shoe thing? "Guys love sneakers. I think we just appreciate a woman who's as knowledgeable about shoes as we are."
The hands thing, I got. Ash is the worst. No expounding needed on that.
“Great conversation and a wonderful sense of humor.”—Keith, 25
Talking to Keith about his turn-ons was not surprising in the least, but it was fascinating. Not the sense of humor part because I believe most of us want that. No, it's what he said about conversing with a woman that especially caught my attention. "A woman who listens is amazing. I know a lot of women think that they listen, but they really don't. Their body language and the fact that a lot of them repeat back what they heard in their mind and not what actually came out of my mouth is frustrating. But a good conversation is about more than that. I love great timing, quick wit, and the ability to walk away and know that I learned something new or I can appreciate a different perspective. A great conversation that has a lot of laughter is the greatest aphrodisiac around."
“A woman who knows a little bit about everything.”—Justin, 36
When Justin told me that a knowledgeable woman was a turn-on for him, I didn't really look for him to expound much. It is for me as well, so I totally got where he was coming from. "It's just so hot when you can mention everything from an 80s rap group to a Scripture in the Bible to what's happening in politics and the woman across from you is not sitting with a blank stare on her face," Justin said. Then he paused and went on. "I think that's why Jacqueline had Marcus so messed up. She was fine, she was a business exec and she could enjoy a basketball game and a beer. That's my dream woman right there."
(In case you're wondering, that was a Boomerang [the movie, not the series] reference.)
“Stretch marks and an overbite.”—Lucas, 35
GiphyLucas is a man of action more than words. So, when I asked him what was up with what drew him to a woman, he said, "Grown women have stretch marks and grown women are what turn me on." (shout out to my birthday twin Kendrick Lamar who basically said the same thing in his song "Humble".) And the overbite? "How X-rated can I get in this interview? Let's just say that an overbite is fellatio's very best friend." Yep. Moving on.
“Surprise piercings and tats.”—Marcus, 29
Talking to Marcus about his turn-ons was cool; not just because I have 10 piercings (eight of 'em are in my ears) and three tats myself, but because I have a friend who said a woman with tats is a total deal breaker for him (yes, out of his own mouth, he said that he would break up with a woman if he found out that she had one). Why is Marcus the total opposite? "Tattoos are stories to me. I'm intrigued when a woman is willing to tell a story on her body; especially if it's a…private tale." (You nasty, Marcus.)
As far as the piercings go, Marcus pleasantly surprised me when he was able to tell me that I had a tragus, along with the names of other types of piercings. "I love a woman of mystery and so, it's so sexy to me when a woman appears super-conservative and then, when you spend your first night with her, she has a nipple or clit piercing. Man."
“I like a woman who enjoys sex more than she’s simply ‘good at it’.”—Damon, 43
Recently, I penned a piece about how grown women approach sex. One of the things I shared is that grown women would rather have "B" (good) sex all of the time than A+ (totally off of the charts) sex every once in a while. When I shared this with Damon, he shook his head in total agreement. "I've been with women who made my toes curl, but their libido was on life support. A woman who lost her virginity late in life and has only had two partners but is enthusiastic about gettin' it in is way more appealing than a woman who's been told she's the best by all of her partners but only wants to have sex once a month." Damon, swap out woman for man in my case and I couldn't agree with you more.
“A woman who needs me without being needy.”—Timothy, 42
GiphyA little while back, I wrote an article for the site entitled "Are You In Love Or Are You In Need?" It gets into what it means to be needy in a relationship. Even as a woman, I totally get how that can be a total turn-off. When I asked Timothy to expound on the point, he said, "You can tell when a woman is looking for someone to make her feel good about herself vs. a woman who enjoys a man's presence in her life even though she doesn't really need him to be in it." I looked to him for more clarity, so he elaborated. "I'm not saying I don't want to be needed but I think that should come once a relationship has been established. Not after a date or two." Agreed. (That goes both ways too.)
“Someone who doesn’t try to be sexy. She just is.”—Xavier, 39
"No diss to the IG models out here in the world, but they do nothing for me. It's like overkill. A woman who is comfortable in her own skin, that's sexy to me. She's got her own views, her own style and she's drippin' with femininity—I will eat that up. Literally." Whew Xavier, tell us how you really feel.
"I don't think a lot of women realize that once a man gets to a certain stage in his life, T&A is icing on the cake. A big brain, tons of self-confidence, and a sexy walk will keep us more than a big booty and a smile will. A woman who carries herself like she knows all of this is the epitome of sexy to me." Indeed, Xavier. Indeed.
What's a trip about this is some folks are gonna read it and critique the responses. It's human nature. But my takeaway is if I want to know what turns someone on, I need to ask them and then accept it. It's not about what I think it should be; it's about what they tell me it is. By asking rather than assuming, I just might be surprised by what I hear—in the most pleasant way possible. Just as I was with these 10 Black men.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Age-Gap Dating Is HUGE Right Now. Still...Read This Before Doing It.
If you’re someone who’s been reading my content for a while, you know that I’m pretty big on accountability (with both men and women), and that means sometimes I will call out blatant hypocrisy and double standards. Today? It’s the fact that I find it to be mighty interesting that when an older woman is dating a younger man, she’s usually considered to be a “cougar” yet when an older man dates a younger woman, suddenly he’s a “perv” (short for pervert).
It's important to bring up that super unfair comparison because, when it comes to a particular dating trend that’s on the list of being a really big dating trend right now, it’s both men and women who are looking to get in on it — and if it’s good for one gender (within reason), in all fairness, it should be seen the same way for the other (again, within reason).
So, with that said, whatever it is that I’m about to share on the topic of age-gap dating, just know that I have no bias; I simply think it’s important for men and women, younger and older, to take a very realistic approach to this kind of dating…because as with pretty much everything in life, it has its pros and some, well, cons too.
Popular Doesn’t Automatically Mean Best
GiphySomething that has kind of always fascinated me about our culture is how so many people will abandon all common sense and logic, just to do something that is considered popular. Well, at the end of the day, that’s pretty much what a trend is: something that is currently done by a lot of people for…whatever the reason. When it comes to dating trends, specifically, oftentimes, they are “birthed” out of surveys from dating sites or apps. When the people who conduct them notice that something is overwhelmingly preferred, encouraged, or supported, then it becomes a trend — and that’s just where age-gap dating came from.
Long story short, Bumble kinda-sorta-recently did a survey and discovered things like 63 percent of folks don’t factor in age when it comes to dating, and 59 percent of women said that they would date a younger man; those are pretty large numbers, and so, there ya have it: a trend.
I will say that although the study wasn’t super-duper specific about when an age gap is considered to be too much of one,Glamour published an article a few years back that said, 10-plus years between two people is enough to start causing some issues if one is not careful (more on that in a sec). And so, before you decide to get out here lookin’ for a youngin’ or a more — eh hem — mature man, just because it currently seems like everyone else is open to it, consider if 10 years — backward or forwards — is something that you would want to deal with; especially long-term.
If you’re not sure, keep reading. Hopefully, I will provide some things for you to ponder.
Difference in Age Means Differences Everywhere
GiphyI’ve got people in my world who have big age gaps in their relationships. I’m talking about more than just 10 years. One example that immediately comes to mind is a married couple who has 15 years between them; the wife is older. On some levels, everything seems cool and copasetic. Oh, but there are nuances. Like she can be very condescending when it comes to what he finds to be fun and entertaining. Plus, their sex drives are not even close to being compatible now that she is well past menopause. It’s interesting because, rather than acknowledging that a lot of all of this has to do with their vast age differences, she prefers to see him as being immature. He’s not immature, sis. He’s just a lot younger than you are.
So, when it comes to age-gap relationships, that’s the first thing that you should think about: are you willing to deal with the differences that will probably come about, simply because you are at different stages in your lives due to your different ages?
Example: Because people say that I don’t look my age (‘preciate it), it’s not uncommon for folks to try and set me up with someone who is in their early 30s. For the most part, I’ll pass. For one thing, I intentionally decided that I didn’t want to have kids a long time ago, and I don’t want to have that discussion/debate with someone who may feel otherwise (quite possibly because they don’t have kids or want more of them). Also, I’ve worked with people, in the lane of relationships, for quite some time now.
Men before 35? For the most part, I encourage their focus to be on themselves and building their life (because a lot of guys don’t hit their professional and financial peak until their late 40s or early 50s). As for myself, I’m pretty settled, so I don’t want to be a hindrance when it comes to them up and moving a few times or switching career paths. Do that babe. You should.
I could go on and on when it comes to this particular point. The bottom line is dating someone who has a semi-significant age difference from you and then having a problem with the differences that come along with it is like really enjoying the summertime and then expecting winter to act like it…just because you do. Feel me?
Age-Gap Dating Requires Being a (Patient) Student. And Teacher.
GiphyWhenever people talk to me about the hours that they spend (or is it waste?) arguing with folks on social media, something that I will oftentimes say (for instance) is, “Some of those folks weren’t even born when Freaknik happened. Let them come to the wisdom and insight that you have, due to your age, on their own.” Same thing goes for age-gap dating.
When it comes to these celebrity relationships, so many of them switch up like they change their underwear, so I won’t even give specific examples. If you surf or scroll on a daily basis, though, you know that there are some older women dating younger men and older men who are dating younger women who show all the signs in the world of heading for a real roller coaster ride because…they are simply at two totally different points in their life.
For instance, when you’re in your 20s, it’s not automatically a red flag that you want to go to the club often. Oh, but when you’re in your 40s, you can be tempted to tell them that it is — even though you did the same thing when you were their age. You know, just because you’ve “been there and done that” before, that doesn’t mean you should look down on them because they haven’t (yet).
Yeah, that’s another challenge about age-gap dating and age-gap relationships: you tend to think that you should be someone’s parent instead of their partner.
So, do I think that age-gap dating can never work? No, that’s not the case. What I will say is if you’re not a very flexible person, you are about to be pissed, often. Because when you’re with someone who has a different view of things that you do, and a part of it is because they are a different age than you are, you’ve got to be willing to teach some things that could help them to grow and also learn some things that could help you to become a better person — whether they are the older one or not.
Take two of my clients where, again, the husband is younger (by nine years) and the wife is older. He says all of the time that if he had not come into her life, she would’ve aged faster because she owns the fact that she’s not naturally a very adventurous person. At the same time, because of her influence in his life, he’s better with time management, which has helped him professionally, because she’s a huge planner (something that she learned to become due to “fumbling some balls” back when she was younger). See what I mean: the student as well as the teacher.
Does this apply to all relationships? It should. I’m just saying that when age-gap dating comes into play, lessons tend to pop up often and sometimes, very unexpectedly, simply due to folks being at various places and stages due to their age alone. If you can’t fathom dealing with that, age-gap dating is probably not something that you should get involved with.
Casually Doing It Can Tend to Backfire
GiphyOkay, so what if you’re someone who wants to do some age-gap dating on a casual level? What could possibly go wrong there? Well, from reading some of my other articles (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”), you’ll already know that I’m not big on the meaning of casual: apathetic, careless, off-hand, without serious intention. Me? Especially at this age, I have zero energy or interest to be dealt with on a casual basis (whew, chile). And what if you’re the one who wants to take this approach? I mean, you’re grown, right? Do you.
I will just give the heads up when it comes to, say, wanting to have a casual sexual situationship with a younger man, while there is more content out here that says while 20-somethings may be having more sex, it’s the people in their 40s who are actually enjoying it the most (which means that it shouldn’t be assumed that the young guys do it better), science is science — and science says that testosterone levels are at their highest when a man is in his 20s. Meanwhile, for us, we are reportedly able to have the most consistent orgasms while we’re in our 30s. Where am I going with all of this?
I actually didn’t become sexually active until college. My first love was younger than I, and goodness, when didn’t he want to hump my leg? The college period was like a sea of raging hormone vessels with free rooms in the form of dorms. Chaotic and damn near diabolical in hindsight. LOL. And a big part of that is because guys have testosterone surging, and we as women are hella fertile. Getting off stays at the forefront on some level (at least for most of us).
The challenge with that is a lot of people who are hormone-driven may not necessarily be relationship-minded. And once you hit your late 30s-40s, after a couple of months of mind-blowing sex (perhaps), that could get old, especially if the sweet young thang doesn’t have much more to offer than that. And so…where do things have to go? That’s the thing about casual…usually nowhere. Again, by definition.
I will say that if you just read all of that and was like, “Okay…and still, what’s the problem?” — hey, do you, sis. I just think it needs to go on record that once you reach a certain point and place in life, casual experiences with younger men can damn near seem brutal — and you can’t really blame them if you got turned out, yet they barely respond to any texts that don’t have sex on the menu. #justsaying
Make Sure to Be Extremely Honest About Your Needs. And Expectations.
GiphyLet’s swing to the other side of this: you dating an older man. I know someone who is currently doing that as well. She’s in her late 30s, and he’s in his early 50s. He’s stable. He’s smart. She said the sex is bomb. Dating him is fun, spontaneous, and full of surprises. So, what’s the problem? He’s super set in his ways. His values are hella traditional (hers are not).
More than anything, though, she wants to get married, and he’s divorced, so he has more of a “been there, done that” take on it. Does he have a problem with being exclusive? Absolutely not. However, having another wife or more children? His kids are grown. He’s mentally and emotionally past that time, too. And so, at a bit of a crossroads, they are — both are invested, and yet, because they are in different seasons of life, they don’t want the same things.
That’s another thing to consider when it comes to age-gap dating — if you are looking for something serious or substantial, you don’t really have time to waste when it comes to getting your needs and expectations out on the table. That’s why, past the first date to see if there is potential for a real connection beyond just chemistry, when it comes to age-gap dating, you really need to get your needs and expectations out there (on both sides) as soon as possible because — and pardon the pun — time is definitely of the essence.
___
A lot to think about? Yeah, perhaps. At the same time, is the age-gap something to be leery of? No. It’s just important to check your motives, be realistic, and not lie to yourself or the person you’re seeing about what you want to get out of it.
Because no matter how hot of a trend age-gap dating may currently be, you need to do what’s right and best for you…not merely what is…popular.
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