

Instead Of Always Trying To Change Your Partner, Do This.
You ever go into a dating experience like, 'He’s great, but he needs to work on XYZ,' and before you know it, you're over his head every second you can get to remind him to work on that same 'XYZ?' Yes? Well, perfect because this article is for my lovely fixers; it’s time to dive deep into learning to discern better potential long-term partners for you!
As a recovering fixer, I’m guilty of trying to fix many men I've dated in the past, thinking if I'd "encourage" him to work on XYZ, he'd be a better partner for me. And to be honest, it wasn't healthy for me to find my worth in making him better versus accepting his character at face value. Instead, I should have been asking myself, can I see myself in alignment with him or is it better to just be friends? These are hard questions, I know, but essential ones you need to ask yourself in the earlier stages if you are looking to date intentionally based on your values and morals.
The author of Getting to Zero: How to Work Through Conflict in Your High-Stakes Relationships, Jayson Gaddis adds, “If I do all the work in our relationship, including paddling for both of us, and you sit on your ass, we will go in circles and never reach our destination.” What's more, instead of doing the work for two, focus on the things you need to work on for yourself and stop doing work that isn’t yours to do.
If you are finding yourself constantly trying to change your partner, here are a few things to keep in mind.
1.Ask yourself, 'Why do I want to change my partner?'
As a recovering fixer, I have immense empathy for my fellow fixers reading this article because at most fixers’ core is the mindset to be of service in their romantic relationships. They often lead with acts of service being their primary love language, not realizing it’s causing more harm than helping anything.
As psychologist Kristin Davin, PsyD, states, “We often create an image of what we want our partner to be and focus on those traits that reinforce that image. However, over time, that lens shifts to one of wanting to change their partner."
Davin notes that some of the reasons for this include: "(1) By and large, women have an overly idealistic view of relationships. They want to change their partner to fit this idea. Men, on the other hand, think there is no need to change. (2) People have lofty expectations of both the relationship and their partner. So they start wanting their partner to change to meet those ideals. It rarely, if ever, works.”
She continues, “They may want to change their partner because there are things they don't like about them - that they often ignored in the beginning - but now have become problematic for them. As a result, relationship problems will evolve. And always trying to change your partner creates resentment. It is a relationship killer. They would rather focus on the other person meeting their needs, instead of looking inward and focus on how they can show up differently for their partner.”
Be aware of those deflectors; that’s a red flag when the other person is consistently focused on what you need to work on and not focusing on their growth or minimizing it, acting as if it’s minor compared to what you need to work on. Everyone’s battle is different, and that isn’t a healthy form of comparison as it shows a lack of accountability.
2.Are you dating their potential or who they are at face value?
I’m sure most people have dated a person or two based on “their potential.” But dating someone’s potential to some extent is a bit of a Russian roulette game based on the type of potential you're betting on. Some people aren’t even assessing a dating situation based on the other person's actions to make that potential a reality. The other person could be making no real progress, and then they are like, 'They’ll get there eventually.' That’s a bit unrealistic, but it happens more often than you can imagine.
As Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Kevin Mimms states, “There is a tendency to point toward potential (real or imagined) as a contrast to other, more damaging behavior. It may be that the potential they see is a projection of their hopes or ideals onto this person. To interpret thoughtless words or actions as demonstrative of childhood dreams is naive but understandable.”
It's important to be aware of the fact that the potential you see for a person might not be the potential they see for themselves. This form of projection is something we can sometimes subconsciously do. Instead, learn to lead by listening to understand and discerning a person’s motives by their actions.
“There is a thin line between seeing potential in someone and living your dream out through them. They may have potential, even one very similar to your dreams, but it isn’t about them when you make their growth about fulfilling your dreams.”
3.Is building a partner by trying to change them beneficial in the long run?
The next time the idea of building a partner pops up, ask yourself why you want to take up that responsibility. Is there a part of you settling because you think your needs can’t be met, so you’re just trying to make this work? Are you subconsciously married to the timing you have for yourself for a relationship, marriage, kids, or all the above, making you force something that may not be for you in the long run?
As Licensed Mental Health Counselor Nicole Kleiman-Reck, LMHC, mentions, “I don’t think building a partner is beneficial since every person is unique and beautiful in his/her own way (and already fully built).” Let’s emphasize the “already fully built” part, which means there is no need for your tweaking for your personal self-gain that may not serve the person in the long run and could brew areas of resentment.
“Building a relationship with two partners is helpful, and this entails agreeing to disagree, choosing to tolerate, learning to compromise, and aiming to come to what feels like a 'win-win' outcome. It all boils down to learning to appreciate and value the different aspects that each person has to offer in the relationship, which is what makes a strong partnership based on interdependency (which is not the same as co-dependency or dependency).”
4.Introspection is key to stop trying to change a partner.
Turn inward. Building your self-awareness is essential for unlearning fixing in relationships. You may think it’s helpful in the moment, but in a long-term relationship, it will become mentally and emotionally depleting for both parties. As Davin states, “Work on yourself. The fixers are focused outside themselves and want to change and 'fix' another person rather than looking inward. Taking the time to be more introspective allows that person to question their 'fixing behavior' and what motivates them to continually engage in that behavior. It's very off-putting for the person they are trying to change."
"When we are focused on changing others, we aren't focused on what we need in a person and relationship and being honest about that but rather using our energy to change others. When we are focused on the other person, we turn our energy outwards.”
5.Understand the importance of dating people based on face value.
Let me explain, acceptance = peace.
As Kleiman-Reck suggests, “I think it is of the utmost importance to take people at face value and accept them based on where they are now. The thing is, you can ask someone to change, and you can inspire someone to change, but you cannot make them change. The better question is, what are YOU going to change to feel happier in your relationship (or in any aspect of life, for that matter)?” This is a tough question to ask oneself, but an essential one to train your mind back to working on the only person you can change, YOU!
“Life is too short to distract yourself from changing others. Changing your belief system on what makes a fulfilling relationship will help with acceptance and joy that is usually there for the taking.”
A healthy bond’s foundation starts and ends with acceptance. To my fixers, I know it’s not an easy fix, but it is a worthy one. Imagine a world of you just being responsible for how you show up in the relationship and not ignoring the red flags that he or she doesn’t have what you need but they have “potential.” Develop a new mindset of, "I’m not forcing anything, and I’m only aligning with people who are in a similar place as me."
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Featured image by Goodboy Picture Company/Getty Images
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Ajeé Buggam is a content writer and fashion designer from New York City and an alumna from the Fashion Institute of Technology. She specializes in writing about race, social injustice, relationships, feminism, entrepreneurship, and mental wellness. Check out her recent work at Notes To Self
Chief Mom Officer: 23 Quotes From Working Moms Finding Their Balance
The truth is, Black moms create magic every single day. Whether we're juggling motherhood with a busy 9-5, a thriving business, or staying at home to run a household, no day is short of amazing when you're managing life as a mommy. This Mother's Day, xoNecole is giving flowers to CMOs (Chief Mom Officers) in business who exemplify the strength it takes to balance work with motherhood.
We've commissioned these ladies, who are pillars in their respective industries, for tidbits of advice to get you through the best and worst days of mothering. Here, they share their "secret sauce" and advice for other moms trying to find their rhythm.
Emmelie De La Cruz, Chief Strategist at One Day CMO
"My mom friends and I all laugh and agree: Motherhood is the ghettoest thing you will ever do. It's beautiful and hard all at the same time, but one day you will wake up and feel like 'I got this' and you will get the hang of it. After 4 months, I finally felt like I found my footing to keep my kid and myself alive, but it took vulnerability to take off the cape and be honest about the areas that I didn't have it all together. The healing (physically and emotionally) truly does happen in community - whatever and whoever that looks like for you."
Alizè V. Garcia, Director Of Social & Community Impact at Nike
"I would tell a new mom or a prospective mother that they must give themselves grace, understand and remember there is no right way to do this thing and have fun! When I had my daughter three and a half years ago, I was petrified! I truly had no clue about what to do and how I was going to do it. But with time, my confidence grew and I realized quickly that I have all the tools I need to be the mother I want to be."
Nikki Osei-Barrett, Publicist + Co-Founder of The Momference
"There's no balance. I'm dropping sh*t everywhere! However, my secret sauce is pursuing interests and hobbies outside of what's required of me and finding time to workout. Stronger body equals = stronger mind."
Lauren Grove, Chief Experience Architect, The Grant Access, LLC
"I try to give myself grace. That’s my mantra for this phase of motherhood…grace. I won’t be able to get everything done. To have a spotless house. To not lose my cool after an exhausting day. Those things can’t happen all of the time. But I can take a deep breath and know tomorrow is another day and my blessings are more plentiful than my pitfalls."
Rachel Nicks, Founder & CEO of Birth Queen
"You have the answers within you. Don’t compare yourself to others. Curate your life to work for you. Ask for help."
Tanisha Colon-Bibb, Founder + CEO Rebelle Agency + Rebelle Management
"I know love doesn't pay bills but when I am overwhelmed with work or client demands I take a moment to play with my baby and be reminded of the love, energy, science, and Godliness that went into his birth. I am brightened by his smile and laugh. I remember I am someone's parent and not just a work horse. That at the end of the day everything will work out for the good of my sanity and the love within my life."
Christina Brown, Founder of LoveBrownSugar & BabyBrownSugar
"Learning your rhythm as a mom takes time and can be uncomfortable when you’re in a season of overwhelm. Constantly check in with yourself and assess what’s working and what’s not. Get the help you need without feeling guilty or ashamed of needing it."
Mecca Tartt, Executive Director of Startup Runway Foundation
"I want to be the best for myself, my husband, children and company. However, the reality is you can have it all but not at the same time. My secret sauce is outsourcing and realizing that it’s okay to have help in order for me to perform at the highest level."
Jen Hayes Lee, Head Of Marketing at The Bump (The Knot Worldwide)
"My secret sauce is being direct and honest with everyone around me about what I need to be successful in all of my various "jobs". Setting boundaries is one thing, but if you're the only one who knows they exist, your partners at home and on the job can't help you maintain them. I also talk to my kids like adults and let them know why mommy needs to go to this conference or get this massage...they need to build an appreciation for my needs too!"
Whitney Gayle-Benta, Chief Music Officer JKBX
"What helps me push through each day is the motivation to continue by thinking about my son. All my efforts, though exhausting, are to create a wonderful life for him."
Ezinne Okoro, Global Chief Inclusion, Equity, & Diversity Officer at Wunderman Thompson,
"The advice I received that I’ll pass on is, you will continue to figure it out and find your rhythm as your child grows into new stages. Trust your nurturing intuition, parent on your terms, and listen to your child."
Jovian Zayne, CEO of The OnPurpose Movement
"I live by the personal mantra: 'You can’t be your best self by yourself.' My life feels more balanced when I offer the help I can give and ask for the help I need. This might mean outsourcing housecleaning for my home, or hiring additional project management support for my business."
Simona Noce Wright, Co-Founder of District Motherhued and The Momference
"Each season of motherhood (depending on age, grade, workload) requires a different rhythm. With that said, be open to learning, to change, and understand that what worked for one season may not work the other...and that's okay."
Janaye Ingram, Director of Community Partner Programs and Engagement at Airbnb
"My daughter's smile and sweet spirit help me to feel gratitude when I'm overwhelmed. I want her to see a woman who doesn't quit when things get hard."
Codie Elaine Oliver, CEO & Founder of Black Love
"I try to listen to my body and simply take a break. With 3 kids and a business with 10+ team members, I often feel overwhelmed. I remind myself that I deserve grace for everything I'm juggling, I take a walk or have a snack or even head home to see my kids, and then I get back to whatever I need to get done."
Jewel Burks Solomon, Managing Partner at Collab Capital
"Get comfortable with the word ‘no’. Be very clear about your non-negotiables and communicate them to those around you."
Julee Wilson, Executive Director at BeautyUnited and Beauty Editor-at-Large at Cosmopolitan
"Understand you can’t do it alone — and that’s ok. Relinquish the need to control everything. Create a village and lean on them."
Salwa Benyaich, Director Of Pricing and Planning at Premion
"Most days I really try to shut my computer off by 6 pm; there are always exceptions of course when it comes to big deals or larger projects but having this as a baseline allows me to be much more present with my kids. I love the fact that I can either help with homework or be the designated driver to at least one afterschool activity. Work can be draining but there is nothing more emotionally draining than when you feel as though you are missing out on moments with your kids."
Brooke Ellis, Head of Global Marketing & Product Launches at Amazon Music
My calendar, prayer, pilates class at Forma, a good playlist, and oatmilk lattes all help get me through any day.
Courtney Beauzile, Global Director of Client and Business Development at Shearman & Sterling
My husband is a partner who steps in when I just can’t. My mom and my MIL come through whenever and however I need. My kids have many uncles and aunts and they will lend an ear, go over homework, teach life lessons, be a presence or a prayer warrior depending on the day.
Robin Snipes, Chief of Staff at Meta
"Enjoy the time you have to yourself because once kids come those times will be few and far between."
Monique Bivens, CEO & Founder at Brazilian Babes LLC.
"For new moms, it is very important that you get back into a habit or routine of something you use to do before you were pregnant. Consider the actives and things that give you the most joy and make the time to do them."
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Featured image by Westend61/Getty Images
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What That 'Body Do': Chlöe Bailey Shows Us How She Achieves Her Signature Curves
If you’ve ever wondered what Chlöe Bailey does to achieve her signature curves, you’re in luck because the 24-year-old artist recently gave fans a peek into what’s keeping her fit ahead of hot girl summer.
In a short clip shared to her Instagram stories, the "Treat Me" singer is seen getting her cardio in on the elliptical machine while showing off her toned abs in a gray, leopard print two-piece set and dazzling cross necklace as a light gym flex.
With her medicine ball secured in hand, she knocked out a few reps of standing Russian twists with the support of her trainer nearby. This, we must say, is an impressive take on the traditional ab workout, as it is typically performed while sitting on the floor or gym mat.
Last week, the Atlanta native provided fans with another look into her gym routine with a TikTok video of her performing a sturdy set of glute kickbacks on a cable machine, fittingly to her new song, "Body Do." This exercise is the perfect finishing move for the glutes if you’re looking for growth, gains, and a toned shape. Maintain steady control to experience this exercise's complete burn and benefits.
putting in that work 💪🏾
@chloebaileywashere putting in that work 💪🏾
One thing’s for certain, Chlöe puts in the work to achieve her body, but the journey to embrace her body hasn’t come without trial. In 2021, on Taraji P. Henson’s Facebook Watch show Peace of Mind with Taraji, she shared the impact that social media body shaming has had on her self-image. "I've been like, really insecure for a long time, and I'm finally at that place where I have self-confidence," Bailey said.
"And at first, I was really getting sad about it," she continued. "But then I thought — why would I let that control my thoughts and feelings when I know it's a lie? So I kind of had to give it not so much power. I'm not doing anything crazy; I'm just loving and appreciating my body, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that."
The Praise This star is fresh off the release of her highly anticipated debut solo album and multi-city tour, and judging from her recent videos, we don’t see her slowing down anytime soon. We’re taking notes, Ms. Bailey.
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Featured image by Corey Nickols/Getty Images for IMDb