7 Tips For Anxious Attachment Styles That'll Help You Love More Securely
Anxiety is something that can rear its ugly head in all sorts of places, whether it be at work, with self, or in our relationships with other people. Earlier this year, we spoke about attachment styles based on attachment theory, a concept that explores how parent-child relationships influence the way we love and form attachments in important relationships later in life. According to said theory, people form attachments in four ways: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. For a quick recap of the more anxiety-prone attachment styles – anxious-preoccupied and fearful-avoidant – check out our article, "What Your Attachment Style Says About Your Love Life". Although there were four attachment styles discussed, in this article, we want to focus solely on the ones that speak more to the anxious types.
So, we recently spoke with award-winning psychotherapist and relationship expert, Rhonda Richards-Smith, who provided some real-life tips in an effort to help women navigate through some of these attachment styles while dating and in relationships with people.
Advice To Overcome Anxious Attachment Styles In Dating
1.Be prepared to unlearn a lot of things.
Many of us carry a "false sense of loyalty and legacy" when we think about the things that we were taught over the years as it relates to all types of relationships. As much as we respect and honor what our parents or guardians taught us, we also have to acknowledge that our parents don't know everything, and sometimes the advice is not applicable to our lives.
Rhonda recalled some of the wisdom her dearly departed grandmother (God rest her beautiful soul) would constantly tell her when it came to relationships. For example, she would say things like, "Just make sure they love you. Don't worry about you loving them back." Although Rhonda knew it was coming from a loving place because her grandmother wanted to protect her from hurt and disappointment, Rhonda also learned and knew that it wasn't necessarily true or the greatest advice for her. Moreover, just because she didn't necessarily agree with the advice doesn't mean she loved her any less.
Oftentimes, "we look at the source and not the quality of what people are saying. You can love someone, respect them, and care about them, but they can still give you advice that's just not applicable to your life." Nevertheless, Rhonda encourages us "to be mindful about the messages that we take in. We have to be critical about what our thoughts and our feelings are, and make sure that they're true to what we believe versus what others impose on us."
2.Be flexible in your relationships.
There's a tendency to assume that our current relationships will be exactly like the relationships we observed through our parents and family. For example, people who were raised in a home with both parents either: strive to replicate their relationship based on what they saw, or they will do whatever they can to make sure it looks nothing like what they witnessed. Conversely, for someone who grew up in a single-parent home, there isn't as much pressure to replicate what they saw. Hence, "it allows a bit more flexibility and creativity within the relationship."
Either way, we crave what's familiar even if it was chaotic or dysfunctional. So, if it doesn't show up in the relationship, then we assume it must not be a real, healthy or it must not be love. Moreover, when the relationship starts to look different from what we saw growing up, even if that "different" is good to us and good for us, it can feel like a "betrayal when we don't adhere to everything we saw or were taught."
Nonetheless, whether we came from a two-parent home or a single-parent home or some other dynamic, the reality is that "most of our parents or family members did the best that they could with what was at their disposal, but what may have served them then, may not serve you today."
Although it may feel uncomfortable or it may require some courage, give yourself permission to release certain traditions for the sake of your relationships. Be open to the fact that your journey may look completely different, understanding that what may have worked for someone else may not necessarily work for you.
3.Be committed to doing the self-work.
Not only is it important to consider what we take in from others, but we also have to think about what we're telling ourselves, as well as how we engage with our partners. Rhonda encourages us to seek clarity and consistency, and we do that by being vulnerable with the people we're with, the people we're surrounded by, and/or even with a therapist or trusted advisor.
Personally, I relate to both of these anxious attachment styles especially when it comes to feeling as if I'm waiting for the ball to drop or someone to hurt me. It wasn't until I started going to therapy and really started to dig deeper and realized that so much of who I am and my behaviors is directly connected to the absence of my father. Now, I'm able to better manage a lot of the anxiety and those feelings of doubt a lot better because of it; which in turn, is also helping my marriage as well as how my people-pleasing tendencies show up in other relationships.
So, don't be afraid to do the work and dig deeper by having real, open, candid conversations.
4.Be intentional about engaging in mutually beneficial relationships.
No matter the relationship – lover, family, friend, etc. – there has to be mutual work on both sides. It can't be one person doing all the work. For example, "Men have to be just as invested in making the relationship work as women are" whether that's through counseling, reading books, attending seminars, or more.
As Rhonda explained, "Both partners need to have an independent level of understanding and awareness. You have to find a happy medium. Otherwise, these anxiety-filled attachment styles can lead to all or nothing or an unhealthy dependence on each other."
5.Be willing to take risks.
There are never any guarantees when it comes to life and love. There will always be a risk, but how we were raised or the things we've been told have made some of us risk-averse.
Think about a time when you were actually going to take a risk, but then, someone discouraged you from doing it. Later, you realized that they were merely projecting their fear and reservations onto you. That's why Rhonda suggests that we actually start taking more risks in other areas of our lives. We can't just be risk-takers when it comes to relationships. "It has to be a lifestyle shift. The more you take risks in other areas of your life, the easier it'll be to do in your relationships."
6.Be ready and willing to forgive.
Contrary to the Disney princesses' fairy tale endings, life isn't perfect and neither are relationships. However, having a willingness to forgive prepares you for the inevitable ups and downs that will occur in your relationship. Hence, instead of immediately defaulting to planning an exit strategy due to anxiety, fear, or the thought of someone leaving you, you're more prepared for the disappointment and more likely to take a step back and figure out how it is that you're going to forgive.
Of course, if there are major red flags or unhealthy behaviors within the relationship, then, it might be time to decide if you should stay or go. But choosing to leave just because you're scared, anxious, or worried doesn't have to be your first option.
7.Be willing to shift your mindset and focus on the secure attachment style.
Part of managing or changing these attachment styles also means shifting your focus from what you're not doing well to more of what you should be doing. It's "understanding what the secure attachment style looks like, why it's important, and why it's the healthiest attachment style" when it comes to your relationships.
As with most anything in our lives, you have to have what Rhonda refers to as a "North Star". Metaphorically speaking, the North Star helps keep you grounded and focused. It's a constant, reliable force despite whatever else is going on around you. Let the secure type serve as a your "attachment style North Star" and a reminder for what you want to strive to be - "straightforward with people…avoiding passive aggressiveness." It's a reminder to be "clear and communicate with your partner in terms of your needs, and also be receptive to their feedback."
Ultimately, the goal is to have secure attachment so that regardless of the relationship, "you can weather storms in a healthy way, maintain your self-worth, and focus your energy on what could happen in the future versus what happened in the past."
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Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
This post is in partnership with BET+.
Kingdom Business is back for its second season, with even more sermons, songs, and serpents. The series picks up where it left off, with actress Serayah as Rbel caught between the stripper pole and the pulpit. With the first lady of the church working desperately against her, Rbel must find a way to live her dreams and honor her friend while figuring out her faith in the process.
Season one served a collection plate of rivalry, deceit, and revenge –– among many other tribulations. Between the 28-year-old’s acting, conviction, and harmonious voice, here are a few reasons why season two of Kingdom Business is a must-watch.
If the Spirit Doesn’t Move You, Serayah’s Singing Voice Will
Rbel, formally known as Rebecca Belle, is a stripper whose life forcibly takes a turn after suffering a tragedy. Through her quest to find the truth, Rbel finds herself at odds with the head of a local church, First Kingdom’s Denita Jordan, played by the legendary Yolanda Adams. Rbel unknowingly emerges as what a faithful Christian embodies: a perfectly imperfect human who works every day to try their best while leaning on God. Although struggling with her faith, each ballad sung by Rbel can be felt, as the lyrics relate to personal struggles we all endure in different ways. Gospel songs hit differently when your life is in shambles, and chile, Serayah is singing new life into folks.
Serayah is a Formidable Opponent to The Yolanda Adams
As one of the best-selling gospel artists of all time, it’s no easy task to take on the role of a person on the opposing side of greatness. Serayah’s Rbel does an excellent job meeting Jordan at her level while shining through her solos. Throughout season one, Rbel emerges as a top streaming artist, an accomplishment that begets something of a holy war.
Serayah’s Acting Range is Engaging
As a former stripper trying to make a name for herself in the gospel industry, you can imagine the struggles that could come with it. Rbel goes through a range of emotions, all understandable and relatable. Despite several crises of faith, Serayah ensures Rbel delivers a humbling performance that makes the audience root for her redemption.
The Kingdom Business Soundtrack is Everything
Streaming now on Spotify, Tidal, and Apple Music, the Kingdom Business: Season 1 soundtrack is one you’d want to add to your playlist for high and low times. Aside from four soul-soothing songs from Serayah, the soundtrack also features singles from co-star/Hamilton’s Chaundre-Hall Broomfield, gospel artist Chandler Moore, and legend Yolanda Adams.
Serayah’s Rbel Makes You Root For Her
With First Kingdom beginning to crumble under the pressure of lies, infidelity, and deception, Rbel’s window to take that top spot seems wide open; however, the end of season one showed us the Spirit had other plans. Whether you believe or not, Serayah’s Rbel makes you want to see her win. Who doesn’t love a good underdog with a laid 22” bust down? Whether she seeks Him or not, God is proving to be on Rbel’s side. But is it enough to turn everything around for her? Will Rbel lean on faith or fear?
With secrets coming to light, success within reach, and the devastating conclusion of season one, you don’t want to miss season two––especially with more guest collaborations. Kingdom Business returns to BET+ on Nov 2.
BET+ Original | Kingdom Business | S2 Official Traileryoutu.be
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Nia Long On Her Final Decision To Leave Ime Udoka: 'Loving Myself Was Bigger And More Important Than Saving Anybody'
Jeezy has been pulling out all the stops for the promo of his new album I Might Forgive…But I Don’t Forget. The iconic rapper tapped legendary actress Nia Long for an intimate conversation about love, trauma, and the Black family. The discussion provided insight into the “All There” rapper’s childhood, strained relationship with his mother, who has since passed, and his career mishaps. He also briefly spoke on his decision to file for divorce from Jeannie Mai, saying that he feels “saddened,” “disappointed,” and “uneasy” about it. However, he believes that God is leading him on a different path.
Throughout the conversation, Nia also opened up about her life experiences, including her relationship with her father, her sons, and her ex-fiancé Houston Rockets coach Ime Udoka.
“You know I had a really public breakup recently. It was a wake-up call for me in the sense that, like ok, you’re gonna do this on your own, and you’re gonna be fine, and you’re not gonna worry about what anyone thinks and has to say ‘cause the relationship was rocky for a very long time,” she said. “I don’t believe that another person can break anyone up like, I just don’t buy that.
When Ime was the Boston Celtics head coach, he was caught having an affair with a staffer and was suspended for the 2022-2023 season. This suspension ultimately led to his firing. However, the cheating scandal led to the public rallying behind The Best Man actress, which the mother of two revealed she was “shocked” by.
“I had to realize for myself that anything that happened in the…last year and a half of my life, that shit didn’t have nothing to do with me,” she expressed. “It didn’t have nothing to do with me. I was not embarrassed. The way that Black people stood up for me and the way that Black women were like, ‘Oh no, you don’t do that to her,’ I was shocked because I didn’t realize that what I had done or what I’ve done in my career had so much impact.”
While she did admit that things between her and Ime had been “rocky” for a long time, she was trying her best to make things work. But she soon learned that choosing herself was the best option. “I think my older son saw me trying to keep the family together, but I had to come to a place where loving myself was bigger and more important than saving anybody.”
While time has passed and both parties have seemed to move on with their lives, we all have our down days. Jeezy checked in with Nia to see how she’s truly feeling since the breakup and the scandal that followed. “I think I’m exactly where I need to be, which is some days I’m like totally good, and other days I’m like, oh God, this feels like so much work. And other days, it feels like women shouldn’t have to be this strong,” she said, tearing up. “I don’t want to be this strong sometimes.”
The former couple were together for 13 years and share a 12-year-old son together. Nia also has a 22-year-old son from a previous relationship.
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