7 Tips For Anxious Attachment Styles That'll Help You Love More Securely
Anxiety is something that can rear its ugly head in all sorts of places, whether it be at work, with self, or in our relationships with other people. Earlier this year, we spoke about attachment styles based on attachment theory, a concept that explores how parent-child relationships influence the way we love and form attachments in important relationships later in life. According to said theory, people form attachments in four ways: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. For a quick recap of the more anxiety-prone attachment styles – anxious-preoccupied and fearful-avoidant – check out our article, "What Your Attachment Style Says About Your Love Life". Although there were four attachment styles discussed, in this article, we want to focus solely on the ones that speak more to the anxious types.
So, we recently spoke with award-winning psychotherapist and relationship expert, Rhonda Richards-Smith, who provided some real-life tips in an effort to help women navigate through some of these attachment styles while dating and in relationships with people.
Advice To Overcome Anxious Attachment Styles In Dating
1.Be prepared to unlearn a lot of things.
Many of us carry a "false sense of loyalty and legacy" when we think about the things that we were taught over the years as it relates to all types of relationships. As much as we respect and honor what our parents or guardians taught us, we also have to acknowledge that our parents don't know everything, and sometimes the advice is not applicable to our lives.
Rhonda recalled some of the wisdom her dearly departed grandmother (God rest her beautiful soul) would constantly tell her when it came to relationships. For example, she would say things like, "Just make sure they love you. Don't worry about you loving them back." Although Rhonda knew it was coming from a loving place because her grandmother wanted to protect her from hurt and disappointment, Rhonda also learned and knew that it wasn't necessarily true or the greatest advice for her. Moreover, just because she didn't necessarily agree with the advice doesn't mean she loved her any less.
Oftentimes, "we look at the source and not the quality of what people are saying. You can love someone, respect them, and care about them, but they can still give you advice that's just not applicable to your life." Nevertheless, Rhonda encourages us "to be mindful about the messages that we take in. We have to be critical about what our thoughts and our feelings are, and make sure that they're true to what we believe versus what others impose on us."
2.Be flexible in your relationships.
There's a tendency to assume that our current relationships will be exactly like the relationships we observed through our parents and family. For example, people who were raised in a home with both parents either: strive to replicate their relationship based on what they saw, or they will do whatever they can to make sure it looks nothing like what they witnessed. Conversely, for someone who grew up in a single-parent home, there isn't as much pressure to replicate what they saw. Hence, "it allows a bit more flexibility and creativity within the relationship."
Either way, we crave what's familiar even if it was chaotic or dysfunctional. So, if it doesn't show up in the relationship, then we assume it must not be a real, healthy or it must not be love. Moreover, when the relationship starts to look different from what we saw growing up, even if that "different" is good to us and good for us, it can feel like a "betrayal when we don't adhere to everything we saw or were taught."
Nonetheless, whether we came from a two-parent home or a single-parent home or some other dynamic, the reality is that "most of our parents or family members did the best that they could with what was at their disposal, but what may have served them then, may not serve you today."
Although it may feel uncomfortable or it may require some courage, give yourself permission to release certain traditions for the sake of your relationships. Be open to the fact that your journey may look completely different, understanding that what may have worked for someone else may not necessarily work for you.
3.Be committed to doing the self-work.
Not only is it important to consider what we take in from others, but we also have to think about what we're telling ourselves, as well as how we engage with our partners. Rhonda encourages us to seek clarity and consistency, and we do that by being vulnerable with the people we're with, the people we're surrounded by, and/or even with a therapist or trusted advisor.
Personally, I relate to both of these anxious attachment styles especially when it comes to feeling as if I'm waiting for the ball to drop or someone to hurt me. It wasn't until I started going to therapy and really started to dig deeper and realized that so much of who I am and my behaviors is directly connected to the absence of my father. Now, I'm able to better manage a lot of the anxiety and those feelings of doubt a lot better because of it; which in turn, is also helping my marriage as well as how my people-pleasing tendencies show up in other relationships.
So, don't be afraid to do the work and dig deeper by having real, open, candid conversations.
4.Be intentional about engaging in mutually beneficial relationships.
No matter the relationship – lover, family, friend, etc. – there has to be mutual work on both sides. It can't be one person doing all the work. For example, "Men have to be just as invested in making the relationship work as women are" whether that's through counseling, reading books, attending seminars, or more.
As Rhonda explained, "Both partners need to have an independent level of understanding and awareness. You have to find a happy medium. Otherwise, these anxiety-filled attachment styles can lead to all or nothing or an unhealthy dependence on each other."
5.Be willing to take risks.
There are never any guarantees when it comes to life and love. There will always be a risk, but how we were raised or the things we've been told have made some of us risk-averse.
Think about a time when you were actually going to take a risk, but then, someone discouraged you from doing it. Later, you realized that they were merely projecting their fear and reservations onto you. That's why Rhonda suggests that we actually start taking more risks in other areas of our lives. We can't just be risk-takers when it comes to relationships. "It has to be a lifestyle shift. The more you take risks in other areas of your life, the easier it'll be to do in your relationships."
6.Be ready and willing to forgive.
Contrary to the Disney princesses' fairy tale endings, life isn't perfect and neither are relationships. However, having a willingness to forgive prepares you for the inevitable ups and downs that will occur in your relationship. Hence, instead of immediately defaulting to planning an exit strategy due to anxiety, fear, or the thought of someone leaving you, you're more prepared for the disappointment and more likely to take a step back and figure out how it is that you're going to forgive.
Of course, if there are major red flags or unhealthy behaviors within the relationship, then, it might be time to decide if you should stay or go. But choosing to leave just because you're scared, anxious, or worried doesn't have to be your first option.
7.Be willing to shift your mindset and focus on the secure attachment style.
Part of managing or changing these attachment styles also means shifting your focus from what you're not doing well to more of what you should be doing. It's "understanding what the secure attachment style looks like, why it's important, and why it's the healthiest attachment style" when it comes to your relationships.
As with most anything in our lives, you have to have what Rhonda refers to as a "North Star". Metaphorically speaking, the North Star helps keep you grounded and focused. It's a constant, reliable force despite whatever else is going on around you. Let the secure type serve as a your "attachment style North Star" and a reminder for what you want to strive to be - "straightforward with people…avoiding passive aggressiveness." It's a reminder to be "clear and communicate with your partner in terms of your needs, and also be receptive to their feedback."
Ultimately, the goal is to have secure attachment so that regardless of the relationship, "you can weather storms in a healthy way, maintain your self-worth, and focus your energy on what could happen in the future versus what happened in the past."
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Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You'd Be Amazed How Much This One Thing Can Keep You Out Of Divorce Court
I truly can’t believe that it was almost five freakin’ years ago that I penned “Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again” for this platform. Now that I’m in the thick of writing my third book (due out later this year) and I’m revisiting this declaration, I am standing firm on it more than ever. There are no boyfriends in the Bible. Your taxes couldn’t care less if you have a boyfriend (some of y’all will catch that later). And acting like you’re married while having a boyfriend when you’re actually not? That is so hella counterproductive — on a myriad of different levels.
Yeah, the longer I live, the more folks I counsel, and the more that I observe humanity; in general, I honestly believe that this culture and how it dates, it teaches people how to divorce, not marry. “Fall in love,” place marriage rules in the dynamic, break up…rinse, and repeat. Then, by the time you actually do say marital vows to someone (which are serious, y’all), you don’t even really mean them or get the weight of them because you’re processing them as barely a step up from whatever you and your last three boyfriends promised to each other.
It's so countercultural to talk about relationships from this angle — and that is why I am hypervigilant about doing all that I can to keep married folks from calling it quits. Because what the Bible does say is covenant-keeping is very serious (Malachi 2:16, Matthew 19:1-12, I Corinthians 7:10-11, Ephesians 5:22-33), the reality is that divorces can be costly on every level, and, reportedly, about half of people who do divorce, on some level, end up regretting it (check out “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce”). So, if we can keep the ending of marriages to a minimum (or at least try), shouldn’t we?
With all of this said, in walks something that I personally found to be pretty interesting. Apparently, after a whopping 40,000 couples were researched, with 94 percent accuracy, there is one thing that could predict if they would divorce. Or not. Are you ready to read what it is?
Did You Know There Is Such a Thing As “The Four Horsemen” in a Marriage?
GiphyIt never fails. Whenever I’m having a conversation with a couple who is seriously contemplating marriage, one thing that they will ask me is if there’s a way to ensure that they won’t get a divorce. I mean, if two people decide to not divorce, they won’t. That’s another message for another time, though. For now, what I will say is when I read about what The Gottman Institute considers to be “The Four Horsemen” of poor communication styles in a marriage, I totally got where they were coming from.
And what are they? According to the institute, it’s criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Although the reality is that pretty much all humans struggle with these on some level, let me briefly explain what it means to be excessive with them.
- An overly critical person gives unsolicited advice that the person on the receiving end either doesn’t want or doesn’t find to be helpful at all. Still, the critical person gives it because they always seem to think that they know best — including when it comes to timing.
- A person who speaks with some level of contempt usually hits below the belt or is super disrespectful in their delivery. They don’t mind being very sarcastic, dismissive, mocking others, or calling them names (bookmark this one).
- A person who is hella defensive usually struggles with not taking what they dish out, they can’t receive advice unless it’s connected to praise, and they absolutely suck at personal accountability, which is why they deflect, make excuses, and justify their actions a lot.
- Stonewallers are individuals who hold grudges, are passive-aggressive, and refuse to communicate. Of the four, this one is typically seen as the most immature course of action.
And when you take all of these in and then factor in that poor communication (because if you argue a lot, your communication skills need work) continues to be one of the leading causes of divorce (although I do find it interesting that, as far as sources of conflict go, career choices then parenting styles and then the divvying up of household chores lead the pack), whether you want to get married, are newly married or have been married for a while now, keeping those four horsemen in mind, along with being real with yourself about where you succumb to communicating that way, all of this is definitely worth taking special note of.
Okay, but those are four things and the title of this article says that ONE thing, in particular, can help you to avoid divorce most of all. What is it? Well, as far as which one of the four is the most damning, many experts say that it’s contempt. I get why. I mean, who wants to be intimate with someone, on any level, if they are mean as hell? After all, no one signs up to be another person’s emotional punching bag. Marriage is supposed to be an emotional safe space; not a battlefield.
However, according to the married couple John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., the greatest predictor of divorce is something else (although the four horsemen are definitely a huge part of what can prevent what I’m about to say next from transpiring).
The One Thing That Just Might “Divorce-Proof” Your Marriage
GiphySo what could actually keep you out of divorce court if you take and then apply it seriously? The Gottmans call it “turning towards” your partner. And just what does that mean? In a nutshell, it’s being intentional about making sure that your partner feels both seen and heard.
Honestly, one of the best ways that you can do that is through your body language (check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”) because it’s already pretty rude for your partner to try and express how they feel and you turn your back towards them or even switch your energy away from them. No one wants to be dismissed like that. However, turning towards your partner means more than just that.
Turning towards your partner is all about fully engaging them. I’ll give you some examples:
When you’re turning towards your partner, you are applying compassion. For instance, if they had a hard day at work and they express to you what’s going on, you’re not so quick to give advice or criticize; instead, you acknowledge what they said and respond with things like, “I can see how that would make you feel. Anything I can do?”
When you’re turning towards your partner, you are open to what they are saying, even about you, that you might not like. For example, if they bring something up that you do that bothers them or hurts their feelings, you don’t get defensive or pull that “You do it too” mess; instead, you take the approach of, “Will you explain to me how that affects you to the point where you are upset by it?” and then you LISTEN FULLY (meaning without interruption) to their response.
When you’re turning towards your partner, you take the stance that Dr. Phil has become well-known for saying: “Do I want to be happy or do I want to be right?” You get that because your marriage isn’t just about you, you are willing to compromise, be flexible, and do what’s ultimately best for the relationship instead of only focusing on things going your way.
These are merely three examples of what it means to “turn towards” your partner, and according to the Gottmans, whenever you do that, you have an 86 percent chance of staying together instead of a 33 percent chance if you don’t.
And just how can you become a master at turning towards your partner if this is a concept that is completely new to you? Good question. When two people make the decision to share their lives, this means that they are choosing to meet each other’s needs. The only way that you can know what those are is by asking — not assuming, not presuming…asking. And then, once you know, discuss with your partner if you are meeting their needs in a way where they feel like their needs are actually being met.
And what does that mean? Listen, I can’t tell you how many times I have been in a session with a spouse who has told me that they are a good husband or wife, and then, when I ask their partner if they agree, all hell breaks loose. Yeah, you can’t be in a relationship with someone and have the only vote on whether you are good for them or not; they definitely get a say. And if you’re serious about “turning towards” your spouse, you’ll want to hear what they have to say about if you are both good to and for them — in both the big and smaller things.
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At the end of the day, if you want to avoid divorcing at all costs (and here’s hoping that you do), turning towards your partner is about expressing empathy. It’s about facing them, figuratively and literally, so that you can better understand them, support them, and share in their needs with them. Because when you sign up for marriage, that’s a huge part of what it means to be a married person.
Marriage: Riding through life together. Avoiding the four horsemen at all costs. Turning towards each other. Daily.
Amen.
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