This Will Get You Through The “Ho-Hum Seasons” In Your Relationship
Here's my heads up—I don't know if what I'm about to say is technically classified as an unpopular opinion or not, but since the actor who actually played this character even said she got on her last nerve (at times), I'm gonna go for it. Carrie Bradshaw (you know, from Sex & the City) really bugged and still bugs me. She was neurotic. Bratty. Couldn't receive criticism. Sulked a lot. She treated Aiden like crap. Her style was fly but yeah ugh…just ugh (oh, as far as Sarah Jessica's co-sign, check out "Sarah Jessica Parker Just Threw Some Serious Shade at Carrie Bradshaw").
And what does this even remotely have to do with the title of this piece? Let's revisit that Aiden point for just a moment, shall we? Some of y'all may remember the "Drama Queens" episode when things were going so well with Aiden that Carrie created drama, just to bring some so-called "spice" into the relationship. This. Girl. Right. Here.
So, before diving deeper into all of this, let me just say that if you're someone who is used to having drama in your own relationship, you might want to track that episode down, just to be sure that your relationship isn't going through a blasé moment so much as you aren't used to something that is healthy, stable and sane. On the other hand, if you're sure that you are not a drama queen, and it really is that your relationship has plateaued and you're not sure what to do about it, first know that it happens to even the best of couples. And then, share this with your partner so that you can get through the ho-hum-yawn season that you're in—together.
Ask Yourself: Is It Due to Boredom, a Lack of Passion or Unadulterated Disinterest?
Stuck in a rut. That's another way to describe what a ho-hum season in a relationship feels like. That's not uncommon; it happens. But if you feel like it's been this way for a while now and it's low-key starting to freak you out, ask yourself what has you feeling that way. Are you bored? If so, when's the last time that you and yours have tried something new? Has the passion died down? If that's the case, although National Sex Day was in June, you can still click here for some ways to get the fire back. Maybe it's simply a lack of interest. If that's the issue, it's time to spend some time together and maybe go on some love-language-based dates so that you can do a little emotional reconnecting.
A lot of times, when a relationship has plateaued, the way to remedy that is to figure out when it started and why. Once you have those answers, it can be so much easier to get out of the rut; before it starts feeling like the two of you are in a ditch.
Then Ask Yourself: Are You a Thrill-Seeker or Can You Enjoy “Relationally-Still Moments”?
Senior couples tell me often that a sign of true intimacy is when two people don't feel like they have to entertain each other all of the time. They can sit in silence with one another and be perfectly fine with that. (Ladies, this means that our man can be quiet for an hour without us asking, "So, what are you thinking about?")
Some of us are such adrenaline junkies that we confuse our relationship feeling like it's stuck with our personalities being on-10 ninety percent of the time. If you and yours are able to chill on the coach without a lot of dialogue or ride in the car without having to have constant chatter going on, that doesn't automatically or necessarily mean that something is wrong. It actually could be an indication that things are going oh-so-right. That there is peace between you. And peace is always a good thing.
Make Sure You Don’t Manufacture Problems
Guy friends are gems. They have a way of breaking things down without sugar-coating or beating around the bush. Whenever I go to my male friends for their insights on how women can make the quality of their relationships better, it never goes without saying. They will say something along the lines of, "Stop making a problem where there isn't one."
If you're emotionally yawning a lot, that doesn't necessarily mean that your partner isn't being proactive or romantic enough; it could just mean that it's time to do step outside of the box (and maybe you should be the one to initiate doing so). If the sex isn't as hot as it used to be, don't jump to conclusions that you both are no longer attracted to one another; it could just mean that you need to book a hotel room or try some new positions to bring more spice into the situation. If there's not a ton of dialogue happening, don't assume that he's more interested in someone else. Also, don't go lurking around to prove your point. Breaks in communication ain't always a bad thing; especially if you know how to be secure in it.
Far too many people end up going from a ho-hum season to a full-on break-up, and it's all due to not knowing how to mentally chill out during those kinds of times. I've done enough counseling to assure you that it's more women than men who create drama out of nothing during a ho-hum season, simply because they don't know how to be emotionally and relationally still. Perhaps this ho-hum season is so you can master that. Everything has a purpose.
Keep Your Boundaries with “Others” Firm
Most of us have heard of the 80/20 rule before. It's about accepting the fact that you're probably only going to get 80 percent (max) out of what you want in the person you're seeing. During the good times, that's fine. But when you're going through a ho-hum season and you're looking for some excitement or more passion than what you are getting, that 20 percent that your partner doesn't have to offer can start looking really, really good. And desirable.
A part of the reason why affairs begin is because, as I once heard a person say, "secrets are seductive". It can be intriguing, fun even, to sneak around. But should you ever get found out (which is more likely than not), you may end up with more than you bargained for. Plus, "the 20 percent person" can start to get old after a while if that's literally all that they have to offer.
So yeah, although it might be tempting to venture out and try something new, if there is ever a time to withstand temptation and keep your boundaries clear and firm, this season would be it. If you know that, deep down, you want to keep your relationship intact, anyway.
Be Intentional About Intimacy
Something that you have to be really careful about during a ho-hum season is that you don't pull away from your partner. Instead, move in. You can do that by focusing on how to cultivate intimacy. I don't (just) mean sex. I mean making sure that you both still feel connected, on some level, even if it's not super-intense at the moment.
You can do this by inquiring about the worlds you both have that don't include each other (like work), planning dates that you know your partner will like and doing sweet-yet-simple stuff like holding hands and taking a walk around the neighborhood after dinner.
If you've got loved ones who've been married for over a decade, they're gonna tell you that if you are serious about going the long haul, you are going to have quite a few ho-hum seasons to get through. The key is to not start worrying but instead, remind one another that you're not going anywhere; that the intimacy may not be smoldering at the moment, but the fire isn't completely out either.
Know this Season Is Just a Season
The same guy who wrote the bookThe Five Love Languages has some other reads that are really good. If you are married or plan on getting married, one that I recommend isThe Four Seasons of Marriage. In a nutshell, it compares the marriage union to nature and its seasons—spring, summer, autumn and winter. It talks about the purpose that each season serves and how to handle your relationship throughout each one of them.
It's a great reminder that everything has its season and that seasons do indeed pass. This not-so-thrilling time in your relationship is no exception. Sit tight. It will pass too.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
6 Signs You're A Relationship Self-Sabotager
The Signs Of A Truly Intimate Relationship
Featured Image by Unsplash.
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images