It only takes one person to cause you a lifetime worth of misery and hell.
While this rings true in many situations, it's definitely the truth for survivors of domestic violence. Unfortunately, when it comes to men weathering violent relationships, there are many people, including law enforcement, who allow them to get hurt or killed because they are supposed to be "men." That means that men have to allow a woman to beat them, and possibly kill them, because it's socially frowned upon when a man defends himself against a violent woman.
I've known about this for years, even as a young girl. I was nine-years-old the first time I realized that men had virtually no protection from the law if they were assaulted by a woman.
My mother and I had just moved to Los Angeles, and she was talking to a friend about the area. I just so happened to overhear my mom's friend tell her to never call LAPD if she was involved in a domestic dispute. But if it's a man who happens to call the police for help with a violent relationship, then he should call a sister, a trusted friend, or get a gun and handle it.
My mom was puzzled by her friend's words, so she asked why.
"Because LAPD will laugh at you," my mom's friend responded. Then she went on an unbothered rant about how police dispatch would laugh at men asking for help from police until someone got stabbed, shot, or killed. Her coy attitude about the subject was disgusting. But it's not like anyone disagreed with her. After all, LAPD, which was a completely different police department back in the early 90s, wasn't doing much to protect men from being battered at the hands of their lovers.
Over the years, I have unfortunately watched male domestic violence victims get the short end of the stick time and time again. In middle school, I watched girls take pride in lying to administrators about a boy hitting them. Even worse? Watching administrators suspend, and sometimes expel, boys from school because of that lie. Those girls never felt sorry for what they did, because no one would reprimand them for victimizing innocent young boys. According to administrators, girls who claimed to be assaulted by a boy, even if she was lying, was right.
In high school and college, I saw grown women brag about intimidating their lovers by throwing bricks in their car windows, or dumping bags of sugar in their gas tanks, all because they no longer felt wanted by their former flames.
And within the social media age, it's been heartbreaking to see men have to video record their abusive spouse's behavior just to prove that they are the victims, and not the aggressors.
That's why I was pissed after watching the viral video of a woman named "Terri" destroy her ex-lover's car while he recorded the incident to prove that he wasn't the one putting his hands on her.
According to the man recording the video, Terri had done more than try to run over her ex-lover, and destroy his car. He claims that she has falsely accused him of hitting her in court, had violent outbursts in front of his children, and destroyed his personal property in a jealous rage. Although the video doesn't show her putting his hands on him, it's obvious that Terri lacks control over her emotions, which likely results in physical altercations with her lover.
Obviously, Terri's violent behavior is inexcusable, but it's not an isolated incident. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 13 percent of their documented callers identified themselves as male. Although that's a relatively low number in comparison to women who have called the hotline for help, it's still a problem. What's even more disturbing is that men are getting killed by abusive women with virtually no protection from the law. According to Time Magazine,
...In 2010, men were the victims in almost four out of five homicides and almost two-thirds of robberies and non-domestic aggravated assaults. Family and intimate relationships—the one area feminists often identify as a key battleground in the war on women—are also an area in which women are most likely to be violent, and not just in response to male aggression but toward children, elders, female relatives or partners, and non-violent men, according to a study published in the Journal of Family Violence.
Besides the social stigma that men are not allowed to display themselves as victims, most people won't think to help a man in a violent relationship because women are the ones who usually need help with a violent partner, and there are few resources available to help them.
Either way, it is never okay to put your hands on your lover, no matter how angry he makes you. It doesn't matter how many times he's cheated on you, or broke your heart, it is never okay to intimidate or put your hands on your partner, even if it is a man.
I'm going to say it again, because I'm sure someone probably didn't get the message:
[Tweet "Laying hands on your lover is never okay."]
If you're involved in a relationship that causes you anxiety to the point where you feel like you want to put your hands on them, the best thing to do it walk away. When it's all said and done, karma is real. When a violent woman receives that karma, she will soon feel a lifetime's worth of the same misery and hell she put her partner through, and that's not good for anyone's spirit.
If you're a man currently in a domestic abuse relationship, get help immediately! It doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, or playing both sides of the fence, it is never okay to let a mother sucker pound on you. Click this link for phone numbers and websites that can help you safely, and anonymously, plan an exit. Or you can call the 24-hour Domestic Violence Intervention Services (DVIS) hotline at 918.7HELP.ME (918.743.5763).
If you're a woman who has ever put your hands on your lover, there is help for you too. You can also contact DVIS at 918.585.3163 to set up a therapy appointment. Or you can log on to 7cupsoftea.com to speak with an online therapy specialist that will talk to you about your problems until you get help in your local area.
If you want to see the video of Terri's aggressive behavior, you can watch it on the next page. But please proceed with caution, as it contains violence and strong language.