This Couple Reveals The Lessons They Learned In 10 Years Of Marriage
In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between married couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
With one look at Eric and Shonda White, you can see a love that has withstood the test of time.
Their story had very humble beginnings through a chance meeting at Atlanta's Leopard Lounge one summer night in 2006. At the time, Shonda was a new transplant to Atlanta by way of Kentucky and wasn't looking for a relationship but as she puts it, "God had other plans." The spark was instant and slowly but surely, intellectually and mentally, Eric and Shonda fell for each other.
The writer/marketing strategist and the Sr. Compliance Specialist have been partners in love for twelve years and made their union official by tying the knot on September 20, 2008. It's a day Eric recalls fondly having been a calm and happy one for him. "When I saw Shonda for the first time coming down the aisle, it was surreal and spiritual," he said. "For me, it was a time of growth. When Shonda read her vows, it hit me that God ordained our union; that we have a lifetime to live and grow with each other."
This year, they celebrated ten years of marriage. And at 38 and 36 years old, respectively, Eric and Shonda are truly the loves of one another's lives. In this installment of Our First Year, the Whites break down how they knew each other was the one, early challenges in marriage, and their biggest love lessons throughout the years.
Chad Lawson Photography
The One:
Shonda: Before Eric, I really didn't know the difference between dating and courting, but Eric showed me what courting really looked like. It sounds old school, but it's still relevant today. I knew he was the one based on how he treated me and the fact that he let me be me. I used to merely hear "I love you," but this time, not only did I hear him say that he loved me, but he showed me that he loved me. There is no greater sign of a man who is in love than one whose actions match his words. We were long distance, but he made every effort to come and see me every month. He would drive literally 900 miles to see me at least once a month. I knew he was serious about dating me and having a future with me. I could tell by the way he treated me - he didn't just say he loved me, but he showed me through his actions.
"Not only did he say that he loved me, but he showed me that he loved me."
Eric: People ask [how I knew she was the one] a lot and I honestly tell people I can't explain it. I just knew. In my heart and mind, I knew Shonda was my wife. I didn't want another man to be with her. I wanted Shonda to be my wife and I wanted to spend my life with her. I knew she was the one!
As for approaching my courtship with marriage as the goal, I did. I can't explain it, but I took my relationship with Shonda very seriously. And that was a first in my life, it was something different about her. I was at a point in my life where I wanted more than a random hookup or a superficial relationship.
Chad Lawson Photography
Overcoming Fears In Marriage:
Shonda: Honestly, being a wife was my biggest fear. I feared the unknown, so I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the "best wife" I could be based on what I thought a wife should be or what I saw other people doing. Little did I know, I was the one putting that pressure on myself...not my husband. Eventually, I realized that he loved me for me - not merely for what I could do for him. So, the best thing I could do was be myself.
Eric: Feeling vulnerable and trusting a woman. I always knew I wanted a friendship with my wife that would last a lifetime. I made a decision to love my wife and to do the right things to keep my marriage healthy. I let go of my fear and had faith in our union.
Early Challenges:
Shonda: You know the part of the vows where you say, "For better or worse," but our first year of marriage taught me very quickly that sometimes the "worse" comes before the "better." Our first year, we went through a lot of challenges including: natural growing pains as newlyweds, finances, recession, layoffs, having children, sex, and family grief due to the loss of loved ones. It's interesting now though because early on, we could argue, and it would last for days, but I know we've grown so much, because now we can have a disagreement or an argument, but it won't last nearly as long as it used to.
Eric: I think some of the early challenges dealt with understanding each other's habits and quirks. I accepted my wife for who she is, but I still can't stand when she chews gum! [As for tackling issues] Each marriage is different, but we tackled those issues when they occurred. I don't think there is an undiscovered bad habit (laughs). We coexist in joint spaces daily and know when we need our space. We agreed to work together regarding our finances. We have separate accounts and a joint account.
Chad Lawson Photography
Love Language:
Shonda: It was a little difficult initially to learn each other's love language. Before taking the Love Languages' assessment, I used to think that he didn't appreciate the gifts that I would give him because he didn't react in the way that I expected. Realizing his love language was completely different [than mine] helped me put things into perspective. So, instead of feeling hurt or disappointed about certain things, I had to remind myself that he doesn't speak the same love language necessarily.
Eric: My love language was pretty simple. But my wife is a hard person to buy a gift for. I think we work on giving and receiving love daily. Now, we are well-versed in our love languages and I will say I have to be intentional in putting gift giving for my wife in action.
Baggage Claim:
Shonda: I really had to unpack baggage from my past relationships' heartaches and disappointments and thinking that Eric was going to hurt me like the others had hurt me. Also, I had to release and relax some of my "Miss Independent, I don't need a man" habits. For example, some of the simplest things that my husband wanted to do for me - open my doors, carry my groceries, etc. - I would try to do myself. Often times, it wasn't the action itself; rather it was my attitude or my delivery when I reacted to him. At times, I made him feel as if I didn't need him or want him to help me. I would say things like, "I don't need you to do it. I can do it myself." I wasn't used to having a man in the home, so I had grown accustomed to doing mostly everything on my own since I was a little girl. I'm thankful, nonetheless, because growing up in a single-parent home helped shape me into the woman I am today. However, I also didn't want my man to feel like I didn't want or need him. Hence, I had to find a happy medium so that my man could still be the man he wanted to be for me. Just recently, Yvonne Orji posted a quote on her page the other week from a wedding she attended that said, "My greatest blessing in this life is to finally be able to take off my superwoman cape and let you carry it…" In other words, I like being an independent woman, but I love being able to depend on my man.
Chad Lawson Photography
"I like being an independent woman, but I love being able to depend on my man."
Eric: We have candid conversations about issues and figure out ways to address them. I had to learn empathy. I know it sounds crazy, but I had to stand in my wife's shoes sometimes to understand how she felt. I also had to learn to trust and be vulnerable. When you fall in love, you are vulnerable and to me that wasn't a comfortable feeling.
Chad Lawson Photography
Love Lessons:
Shonda: We may not always like what our spouse says or does, but we will always love each other, and we have to be committed to fighting for each other rather than fighting against each other. I also learned that I can be a strong, black woman, and still allow myself to be vulnerable and soft at the same time.
Eric: No matter what we go through, I couldn't see ourselves without each other. We truly have a spiritual bond.
Follow Shonda on Instagram. And click here to read past Our First Year love stories!
From Heartbreak To Healing: The Multifaceted Journey Of Nazanin Mandi
Nazanin Mandi is never out of options.
About a year ago, the 37-year-old life coach and actress was navigating life after divorce and determined to experience homeownership for the first time as a single woman. She’d been married to the R&B singer Miguel for three years, following a long-term relationship that started when she was 18 years old. But, in 2022, she filed for divorce. It was certainly the most public change she made but, in reality, it was just one of many decisions to refocus and reach her full potential in recent years.
“During my 20s, I was not ready for more. I was living a really crazy life. It was unpredictable. I was helping somebody else grow. It was a lot, and it was intense. I was not pouring into myself the way I should’ve been,” she says in an xoNecole exclusive.
Still, as Mandi worked to get to know herself and her needs during this new phase of life, she realized the home she’d purchased wasn’t a good fit. Overwhelmed by the echoing of her voice in the spacious home, she had a breakdown and called her cousin, who immediately suggested she lease the home and live somewhere else. “I woke up in my house, and I was like, ‘This is not it for me,” she says. “All those years, I had been accustomed to living a certain way [and] in a certain house, so I bought myself a house like [my old home]. But my family was not the same. Waking up in that house by myself, it highlighted the divorce. I was like, ‘Oh, no, we can’t do this. This is not it.’ My life has changed, so my choices need to change.” At that moment, Mandi became open to the idea that there wasn’t one set way to achieve ownership on her own.
“I feel so much better. I’m in a smaller place. My best friend lives a minute from me and I can walk to her house,” she tells me during a Zoom interview from her home one recent afternoon in early February. In the past two years, she hasn’t just been advising other people on varying circumstances, she’s also been healing herself.
"During my 20s, I was not ready for more. I was living a really crazy life. It was unpredictable. I was helping somebody else grow. It was a lot, and it was intense. I was not pouring into myself the way I should’ve been."
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
If supporters began following Nazanin Mandi because of her conventional beauty or the contagious, bright, white smile she often wears in many of her photos, that’s likely not the reason they’ve stuck around. Instead, she’s amassed a following based on her transparency about her own anxiety and depression, along with the encouraging messages of self-acceptance, gratitude, ambition, and humility that are often sprinkled into her social media posts.
In an era where looking at Instagram photos of models can often lead to feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, Nazanin Mandi is determined to be more than eye candy. She’s food for her follower’s souls, too.
Since being recruited to model while dining at an In-N-Out at 10 years old, Mandi has worked in many areas of entertainment. The Valencia, California native has modeled for brands such as Olay, Savage X Fenty, and Good American. As a teen, she sang at Carnegie Hall and auditioned for season 1 of American Idol, making it all the way to Hollywood before producers disqualified her for lying about her age. (Mandi was 15 at the time, and contestants had to be at least 16 years old.) Mandi has acted, too, including appearing on Disney’s That’s So Raven as a teenager and on the BET+ series Games People Play and the Prime series Á La Carte in more recent years.
In recent years, though, she’s also expanded her professional goals outside of entertainment, too. After becoming a certified life coach in 2020, Mandi launched the membership platform You Bloome in 2022 with the hopes of providing wellness services to others, including her self-published gratitude journal. “I wish I had access to something like You Bloome earlier in my own life,” she writes on the company’s website. The actress, who has been forthcoming about her struggles with anxiety and depression, has never had a life coach, but credits therapy as a tool that “really, really saved me and it laid the foundation to who I am becoming.”
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
"I’m trying to find the balance between living life and knowing that whatever is meant for me is going to happen, but also know that I’m doing everything in my power to make those things happen and better myself."
While she’s always had a nurturing personality, Mandi says her interest in becoming a life coach was inspired by the women who would message her for advice on social media. “I would answer them back. It really sparked a fire within myself to help people,” she says.
You Bloome currently has three membership tiers, ranging in price from $2.99 to $39.99 per month. The highest tier offers a motivational text message twice a week, two live, group coaching sessions per month, and more. “We get emotional. We cry. We laugh. It’s really beautiful. I’ve built close relationships with my members through this. It’s been inspiring both ways,” Mandi says of the sessions. Still, the founder says she hopes to take on more motivational and keynote speaking opportunities in the future with the hopes of impacting as many people as possible.
And, she’s hoping to do all of this while continuing to explore a career as an entertainer.
At this point in her life, Mandi says she’s gained enough perspective on modeling, music, and acting to realize what she wants to prioritize moving forward. “We are going full force with acting,” she says, noting her goal is “to book a series regular or a film that impacts my career and the world.” She plans to continue to model, too, but has no desire to pursue music.
“I don’t want any part of that because I know what that life entails,” she says. “I don’t want to tour. I don’t want to do any of that. That is not where my heart is at.”
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
If you ask Mandi, she’ll tell you she feels most comfortable in front of a camera, but she’ll also admit that she’s recently experienced a lot of imposter syndrome when thinking about her acting career. “I think it’s a fear of not succeeding,” she says. If anything, she adds, she’s harder on herself now than she’s ever been. “There were distractions before. There’s no distractions now,” she says. “I’m putting pressure on myself for no reason.”
This is where the life coach’s own personal healing comes into play. Mandi says she’s learning recently that “slow progress is still big progress at the end of the day.”
“Currently, I’m trying to find the balance between living life and knowing that whatever is meant for me is going to happen, but also know that I’m doing everything in my power to make those things happen and better myself,” she adds.
Still, one of Mandi’s strengths is that she doesn’t feel the pressure to limit herself to just one passion. From working as a life coach to pursuing acting, she has given herself grace to explore all other dreams.
“We can be allowed to be many different things in this lifetime,” she says. “As people, our identities are allowed to expand. Don’t put us in a fucking box. I cannot live that way anymore.”
For more of Nazanin, follow her on Instagram @nazaninmandi.
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Featured image by Solmaz Saberi
'Raising Kanan''s Hailey Kilgore Talks Seeing Herself In Jukebox & Broadway Background
Hailey Kilgore, who has brought the character Jukebox to life on Power Book III: Raising Kanan for the past three seasons, was working hard in show business long before landing the role on coveted Starz franchise. She's already a Tony- and Grammy-nominated talent whose credits include the Jennifer Hudson-led Aretha Franklin biopic Respect and the Tony-winning revival of Once on This Island.
Hailey may play a teen on the Mekai Curtis-centered series but she's been training in singing, acting, and performance since the tender age of 9—that's 16 years now. If you take a look at her social media profiles, it will almost make you do a double take as her real personality couldn't be further from what's depicted on the show—proving just how talented she really is. The Broadway veteran, who is gearing up to release her first album, is what many would describe a girl's girl wearing loads of sequins, gowns, and serving face!
This will prompt you to dig a little deeper to find out more about the girl who is a multi-hyphenate and earned two major nominations before even making it on the big screen.
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xoNecole caught up Hailey as season 3 came to an end and was surprised to learn that although they may be completely different people, her real life is mirroring what's going on with Jukebox in Raising Kanan. "I really made the epiphany season 3." She continued, "[Jukebox] just wants to be seen. She works so hard, she's a really sweet girl. She has a beautiful spirit and she just wants people to see her—to see how hard she works. I feel that right now. I'm like, please just see me. I know you love Jukebox...but there's a super cool girl in here and she's got a lot to say. A lot to contribute to the world artistically."
She even delved more into her background, telling us about the extensive training and hard work she's put in to get to this point. "I started training when I was 9. I trained in acting, singing, and performance." She further explained, "I did my first job when I was 12, so I've been doing this for awhile. Performing is what I love. I've always said I wanted to be Beyoncé when I grew up...I'm really blessed to have the resume and the background that I do."
The latest season of Power Book III: Raising Kanan has come to a close but in true fashion, Hailey is still hard at work. Her first single "Drama Queen" is out now and her debut album will be released on May 3. It's safe to say that Hailey is having her moment. One can't deny that she's worked hard for it and we can't wait to see what's next!
Watch the full interview below.
Hailey Kilgore AKA Jukebox on 'Raising Kanan' Talks Broadway Background
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