I don't care how old we get, we can never be too old for a sleepover. So, why don't more of us do it? While things like schedules, partners and kids can make it challenging, I honestly believe that it's because a lot of us aren't sure how to throw one in such a way that it doesn't feel awkward or, let's be honest — childish.
If that's exactly what your line of reasoning is, because I personally think that there is something that's so wonderful and unique about sisterhood bonding, I've put together 15 tips that can make you want to host a grown ass sleepover and also cause your friends to want to RSVP ASAP.
1. Come Up with a Theme
To me, party themes are all about building up anticipation. It doesn't have to be anything deep. You can ask everyone to wear a certain color. You can focus on them coming dressed from a particular era. If you plan on going with a specific type of cuisine or music, folks can show up representing that. It's totally up to you. One way to give your guests an idea of what to expect is to send an e-card invite that has the theme featured on it. Paperless Post, Evite and Smilebox are just some of the online options you've got to choose from.
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2. Cop Some Mattress Toppers
I'll be honest — sometimes I'll pass on an event like this (or not stay the night) simply because I'm getting too old to be sleeping all uncomfortable on the floor, even with a sleeping bag. Something that can immediately prevent this from being an issue is going to your local Walmart and picking up some mattress toppers (you know, like egg crates). You should be able to find a few for under twelve bucks. They can provide a bit of extra cushion, so that folks aren't waking up with a killer backache the following morning.
3. Potluck It. Kinda.
I recently had a birthday (Geminis, stand up!). When one of my friends asked me if I thought I would ever throw a party, in true Gemini fashion, I said, "Why? So I can go into debt while some folks weren't even thoughtful enough to bring a present?" Chile, please. Along these same lines, just because you may be the one who is hosting the sleepover, that doesn't mean that you need to be trying to figure out how to pay your rent once everyone leaves. Since food is probably going to be the biggest expense (well, that and liquor; I'll get to the latter in a bit), why not have everyone bring something? And to avoid ending up with nothing but plasticware, make specific requests. A dish and a bottle of something to get lit with should do.
4. Get Some Old School Candies
As you're gonna see with some of these other points that I'm going to make, one of the most fun things about a grown woman sleepover is cultivating an atmosphere of nostalgia. One way to do that is to include some bowls of candy that include old-school brands. Something that I like about the website Old Time Candy is it breaks candy down into sections like eras, flavors and types. You can peruse to your heart's content by clicking here; then order and have what you want delivered directly to your house.
5. Serve Snacks That Are Liquor-Infused
Speaking of stuff to snack-on, why not make the kind that are liquor-infused? There's a recipe for vodka chocolate-covered strawberries here. A recipe for vodka-spiked watermelon here. A recipe for drunken salsa here. A recipe for tequila-spiked caramel corn here. And all kinds of recipes for boozed-up ice cream here.
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6. Put Together a Playlist from Your Collective College Years
Listen, I adore 90s R&B so much that I've got at least five graphic tees in honor of it. Every time I listen to music from that decade, I can literally hear a sigh come out of my body as I recall my college days. Taking out a couple of hours to put together a playlist from your own college years is a great way to get people hype and to hear some pretty awesome stories while songs are playing in the background — whether you went to school with your homies or not.
7. Stream a Couple of Throwback Movies
I already know that y'all got at least three streaming subscriptions thinking that it would be lower than your cable bill was (is it? LOL). So, why not look ahead of time for one or two movies that will take all of you back to either a simpler or more fun time (college anyone? 20s anyone?)? If you don't have streaming or cable, you might be able to find some gems on Tubi. It takes a little bit of digging and there are random commercials that pop up while viewing, but how much complaining can you do about a free app. Right?
8. Or, Binge-Watch a Favorite Black Sitcom
A show that I binge-watched a couple of years ago and thoroughly enjoyed is Survivor's Remorse. Now that it's back on BET, I've been catching up on it again. I also dig that TV One has put A Different World into rotation. Not only are both shows really good, they take me back to a time and place in my life that hold certain memories that I oftentimes don't think about until I do some binge-watching. Whether it's one of these or something else, maybe pull out five favorite episodes of a show that you and your girls used to like to watch all of the time. Even if you end up eating and talking while it's on, good Black programming always sets the best kind of atmosphere and tone.
9. Create a Signature Cocktail
Sometimes, I will do writing for wedding websites. It's there that I first heard of signature cocktails, and I like everything about the concept. Oftentimes, at wedding receptions, the bride and groom will have their own customized drink or they will come up with something that symbolizes them as a couple.
To commemorate your sleepover with your girls, why not make your own drink too? If you're down yet have no idea where to start, Sip Awards has some helpful tips here. Or, you and your friends can take a signature drink quiz, they can send the results to you and you can come up with a couple of mixtures that way (a cool quiz is right here).
10. And/Or Have Some Cotton Candy Cocktails on Tap
If you just read what I said and thought to yourself, "Girl, I'm gonna be good just to host this thing. What else, you got?", another option is to serve up a cocktail that already exists. One that tends to be a fan favorite is cotton candy cocktails that has strawberries, champagne, vodka, rosè, limes and cotton candy in it (the recipe is here). Talk about a drunkety-drunk-drunk sugar rush!
11. Then Play 20 Questions, Truth or Dare or Never Have I Ever with It
I've played all of these games with some of my girlfriends before and you know what — no matter how long I've known them and how much we've discussed before, when they've got some drinks in them, the game never ends without my mouth falling wide open, at least a couple of times. The main point here is to get an understanding, beforehand, that everything that is shared is confidential. Hell, if you want to makeshift some NDAs, I ain't mad at you. Celebrities do it all of the time. I totally get why.
12. Or, Go a Round of Social Sabotage
If y'all are more of an actual card or board game kind of person, BuzzFeed actually created a game called Social Sabotage (and yes, it's a card game). Basically, the box comes with two sets of cards — where and what. The best way to explain it would be that it's an online/smartphone version of truth or dare with a whole lot of twists to it. Things really could get kinda wild. Anyway, if you want to buy the game, go here. If you want to watch a video that explains how the game works, check that out here.
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13. Paint Each Other’s Toenails (or Fingernails)
OK, while I know that spa activities are a traditional girls' night in move, my experience has been that oftentimes they end up being a lot more trouble than they're worth when it comes to setting up and cleaning up. A happy medium is to have some polishes available for folks to either paint each other's toenails or fingernails. Personally, while I'm good when it comes to my feet, I'm always thrilled when someone can help me to switch out colors for my fingernails when I'm in between mani/pedi appointments. It's a cool way to slow down the night.
14. Give Everyone Their Own Bonnet as a Party Favor
Y'all and these bonnets, boy. One day, I'll write something, just on that alone. For now, can we all agree that they were initially made to protect our glorious hair while we sleep at night? That said, I can't think of a more profound way to end a Black woman sleepover than to hand out a party favor in the form of a new bonnet. If you go to Etsy and put "bonnet" in the search field, you can find a variety that are made from Black women. Some merchants even customize, chile. #yourewelcome
15. Have Breakfast Delivered the Next Day
Once half of y'all are either slightly hungover or too tired to make that big breakfast that you see folks do on TV, I've got an idea. Since actually eating breakfast can help you to feel better after a night of getting totally lit up (so does drinking water or chewing on some ginger, by the way), why not have breakfast (or brunch, depending on the time y'all wake up) delivered?
If you're up to trying something new, My Recipes published "51 of the Best Breakfast Destinations in America". Also, your favorite delivery app should have a breakfast section for you to peruse. It's the perfect way to end an awesome sleepover, don't cha think? Have fun!
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Whew, please hear me when I say that, no matter how much you love someone, if you say “I do” without addressing (and hopefully resolving) these issues before jumping somebody’s broom, you could be in for a really unpleasant marital experience…if not divorce court up the road.
And speaking of divorce, although it’s not discussed nearly enough, believe it or not, there are also things that should be considered divorce red flags — also glaring warning signs that you are about to blow up your union, if you don’t gather yourself together, talk to your partner (and, if need be a marriage therapist, counselor or life coach) and work to get things back on track.
After over 20 years of working with married couples, some of which were right on the brink of calling it quits, here are six of the consistent divorce red flags that I’ve noticed — along with a bit of advice on how to effectively handle them…so that you don’t end up ending your marriage, when there wasn’t a reason to.
1. Impatience
GiphyI promise you, with everything in me, I don’t get — not really — why impatient people get married. There are a billion-and-one reasons why it baffles me; however, we can start with Scripture telling us that “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and, as I’ve shared in other articles, patience isn’t just about knowing how to wait well, it’s also about “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Please tell me that you really caught that second one because it clearly says that patient people are able to deal with things like annoyances and hardships by remaining calm and without complaining.
Now, be real — how many people do you know, married or not, who act like this? And yet, again, the Good Book pretty much says that this is one definition of what it means to truly love other individuals: you can deal with challenging times in a steady and mature fashion. And this is why I can’t think of one client who will tell you that I am not a big fan of people worshipping the god of happiness.
What I mean by that is — how many times have you watched a post on social media (shoot, probably today alone) where someone has said that they left their marriage because “I’m just not happy anymore”? SMDH. Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, but only children should expect to be happy all of the time — and even they need to be taught just how unrealistic that is. Where the big kids play is getting that HEALTHY should always trump HAPPY — and the people who truly grasp this concept, they tend to be better at being patient than those who think that everything should be about their happiness darn near every minute of every day.
While we’re here, what are some other signs of being an impatient individual (who is usually unhappy most of the time)?
- They always want things done in their time
- They use pressure, stress, and ultimatums to get things done
- They get frustrated whenever things don’t go as planned (which means they are inflexible)
- They constantly cut people off in conversations (which means that they don’t listen well)
- They don’t know how to relax and be in the moment
And this is just five signs, chile. Anyway, the reason why this tops the list of being a divorce red flag is because, if you’re thinking about ending your marriage because you don’t know to deal with disappointments or challenges or you think that your spouse should move in your timeframe, not only do you have some tremendously unrealistic beliefs about marriage but you do about humanity, in general. Not only that, but leaving your husband, just to get with someone else? That isn’t really going to change things.
Hmph. Let me tell it, the reason why 67 percent of second marriages and 74 percent of third ones also end in divorce is because people don’t take the saying “everywhere you go, there you are” seriously and literally enough. In other words — if you’re impatient with the partner you have now and you don’t make some changes within yourself about your issues with impatience, you will be the same way with the next guy…and the next…and the next.
Divorcing because you don’t know how to wait well and/or deal with things not always going how you would like? That is a serious divorce red flag.
2. Making Comparisons
GiphyI’m pretty sure you’ve heard the quote by Theodore Roosevelt that says, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” What that basically means is if you are caught up in looking at what others are doing or what others have, it can rob you of finding pleasure, contentment and satisfaction in your own life — and when you stop to think about the fact that the internet/social media didn’t even exist at the time that he said this…whew.
When it comes to the impact that the World Wide Web has on people, one study says that social media causes 90 percent of women and 60 percent of men to compare themselves to what they see online; not only that, but 40 percent of those same people say that it affects them in a negative way. Another study? It states that social media content plays a direct role in individuals having low self-esteem, while another study revealed that 88 percent of women said that their body image was impacted by what they see on social media. And y’all, still another study cited that 75 percent of folks assessed their self-worth by what they saw online. Geeze.
If you take all of this in and then add to it the fact that some studies say that one in seven marriages say that social media played a direct role in their divorce — although there used to be a time when folks were needing to be intentional about not comparing themselves to their relatives, friends and co-workers, now they need to avoid doing it with the hundreds of people who they are able to access online on a daily basis too.
That said, I don’t care how big someone’s engagement ring is, how many trips certain couples go on or how someone speaks about their partner — everyone’s relationship is different and unique and it is pretty close to ridiculous to participate in self-sabotaging behavior by creating problems in your marriage simply because you wish it was more like someone else’s.
If there are things that you genuinely want to do or accomplish, then get with your spouse and start making some plans; however, if your core motivation is to keep up with other people, actually, that is low-key a form of being unfaithful to your own relationship because you are putting so much energy into what other folks have going on that you are neglecting the man who is right in the bed with you. And yeah, that ain’t good.
3. Unforgivingness
GiphySomeone else who has no business getting married — people who are stubborn when it comes to forgiving other people. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that it is rooted in complete delusion and/or egomania to think that people should give you grace and mercy when you’ve done wrong and yet you believe that can and even should weaponize forgiveness when it comes time for individuals to receive it from you.
What are some signs that you suck at forgiving other people?
- You constantly live in the past or bring it up (once it’s been addressed)
- You hold people’s faults over them like it’s a power trip
- You hold grudges for days and weeks on end
- You lack empathy and compassion (as if you don’t have faults as well)
- You keep trying to make people “pay” for what they have done
- You punish them by withholding engagement or intimacy (if it’s your spouse) from them
- You’re bitter
And yet, I can’t tell you how many times that a person has told me that they are ready to end their marriage because they told their spouse beforehand that if they did something ONE TIME, they were out — only for life to humble them by them doing that very thing and then begging for their partner to pardon them for it.
And if the first thing that some of you want to jump to is infidelity — first of all, reportedly only 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women, so this obsession with that topic really needs to cease. Besides, if you aren’t a good forgiver, things like your man hurting your feelings by not keeping a date, and you holding onto that? That can cause you to feel resentful over time which can make you want to make literal mountains out of molehills when it comes to other things that he does…things that wouldn’t be as big of a deal in your mind if you had let the original offense — which sometimes isn’t even an offense, it’s just a disappointment — go.
Some people aren’t going to want to hear this, and yet, still, it needs to be said: A lot of people end up divorcing, and it’s not because of abuse or cheating or anything as extreme. It’s because they leave very little room for error when it comes to their partner (which is unrealistic as hell) and so, since they aren’t good at forgiving, they don’t know how to handle it whenever someone makes a mistake (or a poor decision) — and so, they would rather leave than figure out how to heal the situation by forgiving their partner as their partner seeks a way to make things right.
And those people? They are never going to be in a healthy long-term relationship because the reality is that humans are fallible and will always need to be forgiven — ALL HUMANS (including oneself). People who don’t accept this, they are the unforgiving types who are a constant example of a divorce red flag.
4. Selfishness
GiphyI ain’t gonna lie — the times when I do tiptoe out into social media to see what folks are talking about and I watch even five minutes of relationship-related content, the first thing that comes to my mind is a whole lot of people are not emotionally mature enough for marriage, just by their selfishness alone. By definition, to be selfish is to be self-consumed and anyone who is consistently concerned about what they can get out of a relationship without even considering another individual — they are selfish. Not to mention the fact that Scripture shows us how to love and care for other people, especially our spouse:
"Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done." (I Corinthians 13:5-NCV)
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." (Philippians 2:3-4-NIV)
Did you catch it? If you truly love someone, you won’t be selfish, and if you want to show someone how much you care for them, selfish ambition cannot come into play. What this means is you’ve got to operate from a place of humility and be willing to take their own needs, wants, and interests into consideration.
Sometimes, when I’m in a session with a couple, all I hear is selfishness coming out, whether it’s from one or both sides. It’s not that they don’t still love each other. It’s not that they regret getting married. No, what they are struggling with is they either thought that marriage was going to be about their needs taking precedent most of the time or that they didn’t seriously consider the fact that, sometimes, they would need to put their own desires on hold for the betterment of their partner and oftentimes the relationship overall.
You know, when I recently read an article on some of the traits of a selfish person, three that stood out to me were that selfish people hate to compromise, selfish people put their wants above anything else, and selfish people don’t care about other people’s feelings. And these are the kinds of people who file for divorce on a daily basis — and that is both childish and sad.
Another thing to keep in mind about selfishness is it tends to be supremely self-centered — this presents itself as folks who are “good” at dominating conversations, skirting around accountability and responsibility and refusing to put themselves in other people’s shoes…and oftentimes, it takes a spouse “putting up a mirror” to their partner to show them that they are exactly this way.
If you just read all of this and you low-key feel triggered by it, ponder if what you currently think “isn’t working” about your marriage is more about you being more selfish than you should be. Because if you don’t learn that lesson in this relationship, you’ll just keep self-sabotaging other ones along the way — romantic ones especially, because no one really wants to be with someone who only focuses on themselves. Not for the long haul, anyway
5. A Lack of Research
GiphySeveral years back, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “What Some People Regret About Their Divorce.” You know, one of the things that I absolutely loathe about how people date these days is they think that boyfriends are husbands, girlfriends are wives, and break-ups are divorces — and that is why so many people don’t really get the weight of what marriage and ending one really is. SMDH.
And that’s why, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that one study says one-third of people who divorce end up regretting doing it. I say that because, just like not nearly enough people get into premarital counseling before saying “I do” (check out “Why You Should Strongly Consider Premarital Counseling BEFORE Getting Engaged”), not enough married couples “get their oil changed” at least a couple of times a year by speaking with a reputable marriage counselor, therapist or life coach and definitely not enough will see one of these professionals before ending their union. And because of this, people make ignorant and/or rash, and/or emotionally charged decisions without really thinking about the fallout that can come from them.
For starters, did you know that more heart attacks happen to divorced men than non-divorced men? Meanwhile, women who’ve been divorced two or more times increase their risk of having a heart attack by a whopping 77 percent. In fact, people who get divorced are reportedly 20 percent more likely to experience health-related issues overall. Divorce also tends to lead to a significant increase in depression and anxiety, and there are all kinds of ways that it can jack up your finances, including taxes, assets, and retirement.
When it comes to what divorce can do to children, there is plenty of data out here that says it can lead to them having significant emotional issues, problems in school and it increases their chances of having substance abuse issues later down the road (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what it can do).
Can you survive a divorce if you get one? Sure you can. All I’m saying is, before you just “up and get one” — don’t let two random posts from some random ranters on Instagram have you out here thinking that it’s “no biggie” to divorce when it absolutely is. Do some thorough research into what the consequences of ending your marriage will be; treat it like it’s a dissertation. Folks who don’t take this advice — have mercy are they ignoring a HUGE divorce red flag.
6. Emotional Immaturity
GiphyLast one. Some people? Some of them are too emotionally immature for marriage or even a romantic relationship, in general. And what are some signs of emotional immaturity? Good question.
- Emotionally immature people don’t know how to control their emotions
- Emotionally immature people deflect and make excuses whenever they are called out
- Emotionally immature people hit below the belt during conflict
- Emotionally immature people constantly want to be the center of attention
- Emotionally immature people pout and/or throw temper tantrums
- Emotionally immature people rarely, if ever, self-reflect
- Emotionally immature people constantly deflect whenever topics make them uncomfortable
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent and unpredictable
- Emotionally immature people tend to be passive-aggressive and/or defensive a lot of the time
- Emotionally immature people absolutely suck at listening because they only want to be heard
A while back, I watched a Tubi movie entitled What Fairytale? Boy, talk about some emotionally immature (and highly selfish) married folks. SMDH. Speaking of, a really good movie that’s currently loaded up on there as well is calledParachute — and boy, is it a big bright light about what it looks like to be codependent and in a relationship. Lawd.
My point of mentioning both of these films is, in their own way, they show what happens when one or two people are so emotionally immature (perhaps without even knowing it) that they have this Disney perception of marriage to the point where they make reckless and/or entitled and/or childish and/or impulsive and/or even ridiculous decisions about their relationship when that they really should do is do some self-reflecting and then get the professional help and support that they need to see and handle their marriage from a more mature and evolved space.
Emotionally immature folks? There probably isn’t a bigger divorce red flag than this one.
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I’ve been working with married couples for a long time, y’all, with an emphasis on reconciling divorces. And you know what? Something that I’ve realized is that a ton of marriages can be saved when people 1) recognize divorce red flags when they see them and 2) get that divorce is a very serious decision that has a truly lasting impact…on all parties involved.
It can’t be said enough that a red flag is a warning. Today is a warning that you could be considering a divorce when you really shouldn’t be. If you see these red flags, talk to your spouse, hit up a professional, and get around some healthy married people.
Never ignore red flags. Address them. It can — and typically does — spare you. A LOT.
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