8 Things To Be Grateful For (When You Can't Think Of Anything)
Let me just say before getting into this piece that, if there was any year that really tried us on every level, hands down, it was 2020. That's why, whenever I've noticed an article or even a tweet that said something along the lines of, "Hey, give yourself a little grace if you're not feeling all that hot or performing at the level that you're used to this year", I found myself immediately nodding in agreement. From politics to the pandemic, from professional shifting to financial stress, from relational challenges to internal struggles, when it comes to finding something to be grateful for, during a month that is basically devoted entirely to that, it's understandable if you're having a bit of a hard time doing it.
That's actually the motivation behind all of what I'm about to say. While it's certainly not meant to make light of or even be dismissive about anything that may be pushing you to your limit right now, I just wanted to make sure that you remember that seasons are just that (they do change) and there are some things to always been appreciative of, even in super trying times. Off the top of my head, here are eight things to be grateful for.
1. Being Black
"Merely by describing yourself as black you have started on a road towards emancipation, you have committed yourself to fight against all forces that seek to use your blackness as a stamp that marks you out as a subservient being."—Steven Biko
C'mon. You and I both know that there is not enough bandwidth on this website or time in the day to address all of the reasons why being Black is beyond dope. For now, I'll just say that an entire holy book known as the Bible features only Africa and the Middle East in it. If you use the Bible as a guideline for your life, you are a part of the very beginning. Black excellence. Also, whenever you stop at a traffic light, go to your mailbox, walk through an elevator door, use a Black haircare product, turn on your home security system, donate blood, use VoIP (voice over Internet protocol), add an animated GIF to a post, snack on a potato chip or watch something on Hulu—you've got a Black person to thank and that's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what we've invented (sources are here, here and here)! And y'all, don't even get me started on the 2020 election cycle. It goes without saying how amazing it is to have a Black and South Asian American female Vice President-elect for the first time in history (big shout-out to Senator Kamala Harris). However, if you voted, definitely pat yourself on the back for being a Black person who helped to get her and President-Elect Joe Biden in office.That is irrefutable. We are powerful beyond measure.
From our vast history and rich culture to the various tones of our skin, beautiful features, and textures of our hair, I'll speak for all of us and say that there is nothing better and in many ways, more sacred, than being a Black person. There really isn't.
2. Being a Woman
"You educate a man; you educate a man. You educate a woman; you educate a generation."—Brigham Young
Whenever I get into Bible mode and I speak on the story of Adam and Eve (Genesis 2-3), I make sure to discuss how, before they both ate of the fruit, "her" name was "Woman"; after it became "Eve". As Woman, Adam had a helper (Genesis 2:18); one who was an ezer kenegdo (which Hebrew for lifesaver; I reference it in this article here). As Eve, her name means "mother of all living" (Genesis 3:20). A lifesaver. Beings who have wombs that help to keep humanity populated. Whew. How mind-blowing is it to be a woman?
And here's the thing. Even if you choose to not (or are unable to) birth a child, it's important to keep in mind that a womb isn't just "the uterus of the human female and certain higher mammals"; a womb is also "the place in which anything is formed or produced". When God made you, He chose for you to be a literal epicenter for people, places, things and ideas to be formed and produced. Your femininity is a specific gift that makes you capable of achieving things in ways that men cannot—because they weren't designed to. And then, if you add on to this that you are a BLACK WOMAN? Girl, how can you not feel extremely grateful that God loved you so much to create you to be just as you are?
3. Your Uniqueness
"It was when I realized I needed to stop trying to be somebody else and be myself, I actually started to own, accept and love what I had."—Tracee Ellis Ross
I've written about boundaries quite a bit on this platform. One of the reasons why I am so passionate about setting limits (and also respecting the limits of others; it took me a while to master not just one but both) is because I grew up having my boundaries dishonored a lot. At the end of the day, that's what abuse is—someone disrespecting your boundaries. Anyway, when I got to a point and place of being super intentional about releasing people who were not just unhealthy but toxic in my life, I realized that another side effect of having those kinds of folks around is they tend to be an enemy of our uniqueness. In other words, abusers and oppressors are oftentimes jealous of and/or threatened by and/or clueless about how to handle someone's individuality. And so, they spend a lot of time, effort, and energy trying to get you to be who they want you to be rather than (as parents) nurturing who you are or (as friends) celebrating who you are.
While I've always been a different kind of chick, before removing those kinds of people out of my life, I wasn't able to fully bloom into my uniqueness because there was so much pushback when it came to my calling, my personality, even my style. Now? I absolutely love my individuality in a way that I wish I had the space to back in my 20s because it would have spared me so much pain, heartache, and counterproductive relationships. I get why a lot of opposition comes to prevent us from enjoying our uniqueness, though. When you fully grasp that there never has been nor will there ever be another you—EVER, that empowers you in a way that nothing else can.
From the way you see the world to the 'what' the Master Creator has placed within you to offer everyone you come into contact with on some level, appreciate how unique you are. You're amazing just by being incomparable. Never EVER forget that.
4. The Gifts and Talents You’ve Got
"You are unique. You have different talents and abilities. You don't have to always follow in the footsteps of others. And most important, you should always remind yourself that you don't have to do what everyone else is doing and have a responsibility to develop the talents you have been given."—Roy T. Bennett
Let's go back to the Bible for just a second, shall we? Psalm 33:15(NKJV) says, "He fashions their hearts individually; He considers all their works." Romans 11:29(AMPC) says, "For God's gifts and His call are irrevocable. [He never withdraws them when once they are given, and He does not change His mind about those to whom He gives His grace or to whom He sends His call.]" When God put you on this planet, he made sure that you had certain gifts and talents—ones that would complement your purpose so that you can fulfill your destiny. I've shared in a few other articles that 2020 is my 20th anniversary of deciding to leave corporate America (at least in the traditional sense), so that I could work from home as a writer. When I first made the call, I didn't have a job, car, or computer. What I knew I did have was a profound writing gift (my mom even said that my favorite toy as a toddler was shaking newspaper). And it was the confidence in the gift that got me through some really, "What the hell am I doing? I need to get a freakin' job!" moments.
This year pushed us to the ultimate limits. I know, trust me, I do. Yet no matter what your job or financial state is looking like right now, make sure that you are clear about what your gifts and talents are and that put effort into utilizing them. I have seen so many people—especially Black people—thrive this year and it's because they threw caution to the wind and put their gifts and talents to great use.
What has been placed into you, if you combine it with your uniqueness, it might blow your mind what you can accomplish. Your individual gifts and talents aren't there for your amusement alone. USE THEM. Watch what happens when you do.
Oh, if you need some inspiration, check out KevOnStage's docA Calculated Risk. Also, if you want a little motivation on how to transition out of a profession so that you can do more of what you like, I really enjoy the videos on Wine n' Chill's YouTube page.
5. Having Resources
"It is much easier to put existing resources to better use, than to develop resources where they do not exist."—George Soros
Water. Food. Shelter. Those are very basic resources yet, after a year like this one, I think we've already learned to not take any of 'em, even a little bit, for granted. Yet beyond that, if you've got a network, a computer (with internet access), a smartphone, a mentor, reading material—you've already got a wealth of things that many people didn't have, even in the 80s (the world wide web was invented, just in 1989, y'all).
A huge trap that transpires in trying times is focusing more on what you don't have than you do. Yet if you can get online, you're already in a really good spot to make things happen. Stop spending hours on Black Twitter and switch over to LinkedIn or check out articles like Bplan's "14 Business Resources Every Entrepreneur Should Know About" instead. There's a wealth of resources that are just waiting to change your entire life.
6. Impeccable Survival Skills
"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style."—Maya Angelou
This past election day was the 25th anniversary of the passing of my fiancé. Whenever I share the story about our relationship and/or how he died and someone says, "Girl, I would just die if that ever happened to me," I immediately respond with some variation of, "Be careful what you say. You might not want the Universe to test you like that." Proverbs 18:21(NKJV) does tell us that, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit", after all. This is why I'm not big on folks spending hours on end doom-scrolling on the internet or hanging around a lot of negativity. All that does is encourage you to magnify what's currently not so awesome and minimize what is.
That said, I'm pretty sure that a lot of you can agree with me that when Kobe and Gianna Bryant passed on January 26 of this year (y'all, that was this year), we thought that it wasn't gonna get too much worse than that. Chile, and look at all that's happened. The pandemic and countless deaths from it. This totally cray-cray Trump administration. Job losses and pandemics. Kids not being able to go to school. Folks not being unable to physically touch their loved ones. The list goes on and on. And yet, if you're reading this, you have survived. And to have survived a year like 2020 is no small feat.
If you've got nothing else that you feel like you can be grateful for right now, if you are able to read what I'm saying, in a halfway right mind, you are mighty blessed. Abundantly so. Real talk.
7. Support
"We don't heal in isolation, but in community."—S. Kelley Harrell
As far as silver linings go in a year like this one, I've got one for you. It's when there is a lot of stress, struggle and adversity that we're able to see who our "peeps" really and truly are. That's because it's easy to be someone's friend when everything is all good. Oh, but find yourself in a position where you need some help with a bill, for someone to sit up with you all night as you cry over a loss or for you to need someone to do something that is super inconvenient for them (for whatever the reason)—that is when you see who's truly got your back.
While there used to be a time when I was doing most of the work to keep my relationships afloat, 2020 has reminded me that being codependent and having toxic relationships are such a thing of the past. There have been several times, in both directions, where someone has been in a bind and it has been nothing for the need to be met. While the older you get, you typically realize that a few genuine friends are all that you really need, if you've got even one person who held you down (as you did the same thing for them) this year, you've got something to be a billion times over thankful for. Because, unfortunately, not everyone can say the same.
8. A New Day
"Today is not just a new day. It's another opportunity."—Unknown
I'll keep this one short(er) and simple. Just like you have a special individuality to you, so does each day. The only thing that keeps us from realizing it is the choices that we make during each 24-hour period because, the reality is, we each have the power to make today entirely different than yesterday, just by switching up and doing things differently.
Again, I know 2020 pushed us all to the ultimate limit when it comes to figuring out what to be thankful, appreciative, GRATEFUL for. Yet the fact that you woke up this morning, take that as a sign that you've (still) got a purpose to fulfill and today doesn't have to be like the ones that came before it. If that ain't something to be super pleased about…I sincerely don't know what is.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Honestly, I don’t know if it will surprise y’all or not to know that a few years back, Vice published an article entitled, “Women Get Bored in Bed Faster Than Men.” When it comes to the clients I work with, what I will say is men tend to underestimate how creative women can be while women seem to overlook that men fake orgasms just about as much as they do. My grand takeaway from all of this? Folks need to be intentional when it comes to keeping the spice alive in their sex life; especially if they’re in a long-term relationship.
That’s why, when one couple came to me and asked what was something that they could do to light the fire (pun intended) in their own bedroom, the first thing that I asked was if they had ever tried wax play before. You should’ve seen the expression on their faces. LOL.
When it comes to things like that, I think that it’s still taboo for some, simply because they’ve only seen it on a movie screen or heard about it in true extreme sexual contexts — and so, they don’t think that it’s something that is “for them” when, the reality is, with the right tips in tow, wax play can be for pretty much anyone…and everyone.
So today, let’s add something new to some of y’all’s boudoir list of activities. Here are 10 things that will, hopefully, help you to see the flames of wax play (I’ve got puns all over the place today) in a whole new light.
1. Anticipation Does Wonders for Sexual Arousal
GiphyI once read an article by a mental health expert who said that anticipation is probably the greatest aphrodisiac of all. It builds excitement. It fuels curiosity. At the end of the day, it’s like a mental form of edging because you’re getting close to something that you look forward to — although you’re not quite there yet. Listen, he’s not off base because even science says that anticipation can give you a dopamine hit that can ultimately improve your sexual experiences.
Keeping this point in mind, how can watching hot wax drip from a candle and head toward your body not fuel some level of anticipation? Especially if it’s your first few times trying it? A woman by the name of Ana Monnar once said, “Anticipation is sometimes more exciting than actual events.” Just something to consider, when it comes to entertaining bringing wax play into your world, my dear.
2. Wax Play Is Peak-Level Foreplay
GiphyWe all know what foreplay is, right? Just to be sure that we’re all on the same page, a very basic definition is it’s something that typically happens right before sex in order to arouse the people who are about to have it. And since foreplay is pretty much the prelude to copulation, it’s important that “the appetizer” is damn near as good as the “main course.” Wax play can help to ensure that because, aside from what I just said about anticipation, it can also help you and your partner tap into your more sensual and seductive sides. It’s hot. It requires being mindful. And since so much give and take is involved, it requires both people to be very into the moment. Lawd. Wax play is sexy to even just think about!
3. Temperature Pleasure Is Lots of Fun
GiphyOkay, say that you’ve never played with wax (in this way) before. Have you ever incorporated ice cubes? I ain’t gonna let y’all get ALL up in my business, so…let me just say (for now) that some ice during oral sex ain’t neva hurt nobody…quite the contrary! There’s something about the unexpected cool that mixes around with the warmth of a mouth that is truly unmatched. Along these same lines, wax play brings in the heat and, what makes temperature pleasure/play so awesome is, that it uses the sensations of different temperatures to bring out different forms of stimulation.
Another thing that’s worth noting about temperature pleasure is if you’re someone who considers yourself to be on the sexually conservative side yet you do like this type of activity, whether you realize it or not, you’re low-key participating in a form of kink (yep!). This brings me to my next point.
4. Wax Play Is an Introduction to Kink
GiphyIt’s kind of interesting how some people clam up at the thought of a (sexual) kink when the reality is, at the end of the day, it’s about having a certain type of sexual experience (as opposed to a fetish that focuses on objects or body parts; like a foot fetish, for example). So, if it’s that simple, why does it intimidate a lot of folks? Well, kinks tend to delve into people’s fantasies or unconventional ways of thinking (like BDSM or voyeurism).
At the same time, the cool thing about kinks is you control how deep you want to go. Just know that if you do participate in wax play, there’s no point in turning up your nose to the whole kink thing; wax play technically qualifies.
5. Soy Does One Thing. Paraffin Does Another.
GiphyOkay, so let’s spend a couple of moments talking about the things that you need to get the most out of your wax play experience. First, please don’t be out here imitating movies. While they will have you believing that you should pull a taper candle from your dining room table and go ham with it, it’s best to go with massage candles; they are specifically designed for wax play and body massages (The Knot has a recommendation list here and Women’s Health has a list of their own here).
When it comes to candles, in general, I’m always a fan of soy because they burn cleaner and last longer. However, when it comes to wax play, two other reasons why soy is best is it’s natural and “burns lower;” this simply means that once the wax hits your body, it won’t be as hot as, say, paraffin wax will (because it has a higher burning point).
What all of this means is if you want a more comfortable experience, go with a soy (or even a shea butter or beeswax) candle. If you want to play with the big (wax play) kids, try paraffin.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if you can never use “regular” candles — I mean, it’s your body. All I’m saying is some candles are designed for wax play; birthday candles? They are not. Feel me?
6. Massage Candles Feel Incredible on Your Muscles and Joints
GiphySo, here’s the thing about massage candles: If you’ve ever had a professional massage before, your massage therapist may have used them. And if you’ve gotten a high-end mani/pedi, some paraffin wax may have come into play (no pun intended). That’s because the wax from both types of candles has health benefits that include relaxing muscles, improving joint mobility, and increasing blood flow throughout the body. And when you factor in the fact that the better you physically feel before sex, the better sex will be during it — isn’t that just one more plus for and perk of wax play? I definitely think so.
7. The Aromatherapy Is Incomparable
GiphySomething else that’s awesome about most massage candles is they have a wonderfully alluring scent to them, by design. Yes, that matters too because there is plenty of data out here to support the fact that aromatherapy does everything from reduce stress and relieve bodily discomfort to treat headaches and fight off infections (word on the street is that it may even help with menstrual cramps and menopause).
As far as your sex life goes, aromatherapy is supreme because certain essential oils double up as aphrodisiacs. Lavender, neroli, and rose are proven to improve your sexual function. Geranium reduces anxiety. And listen, if climaxing is your ultimate goal, check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm” and then look for massage oils that smell like, say, vanilla, saffron or jasmine. Bottom line, a good massage candle that smells amazing is going to be worth every cent that you spent to purchase it.
8. You Will Learn Communication (and Dirty Talk) on a Whole ‘Nother Level
GiphyOne of the reasons why I once penned, “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” for the platform is because, if there’s one thing that I think is so awesome about sex, is it finds a way to incorporate all five of your senses (sight, touch, taste, sound and hearing) as well as your top love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gifts — if you’re open to it).
And when it comes to hearing (and words of affirmation), this is another area where wax play can be a winner because, as you’re learning what works for your partner and they learn what works for you, words have to be exchanged… perhaps even dirty ones.
And why is dirty talk so damn effective? According to scientific research, it has the ability to activate your entire brain (the biggest sex organ that you have) and when this is going on while you’re being physically stimulated — chile, the sky truly is the limit!
9. Wax Play Is Completely Customizable
GiphyYou know back when I was talking about soy candles vs. paraffin ones? Something that I didn’t mention, by design at the time, is that, although I will forever be Team Massage Candles when it comes to this particular topic, there are some known as wax play candles too. What’s the difference? Wax play candles tend to remain pretty hard (after being lit up) while massage candles are designed to melt into a liquid that you can massage on your partner’s body.
Why am I bringing this all up now? Well, it’s to serve as a reminder that wax play can be “dialed up” or “turned down” based on what you want to do. If you just want to put a twist on a massage, you can do that. If you’d like to test your partner’s tolerance level by applying more heat for longer, do that.
Just make sure that you use the kind of wax that doesn’t fully melt on shaved areas of the body (pretty sure why is self-explanatory), that you moisturize your skin beforehand (it’s easier to remove the wax…or whatever is leftover) that way and that you pour around 15-20 inches away from your partner’s body; that gives it time to cool somewhat on the way down. Oh, and if you don’t want to jack up your sheets, you might want to lay down a protective drop cloth (like this one here).
10. It Sure As Hell Ain’t Boring
Season 1 Friends GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyLast point — and it brings all of this full circle. Now that you’ve read all of the ways that wax play can benefit your sex life, how in the world could you associate it with “boring” on any level? Anything that can get you hype, cultivate eagerness, and enhance what you’ve already got going on…that is worth putting on your sex bucket list and trying at least one time, wouldn’t you say? And why can’t that time be…TONIGHT? Shoot your man a pick of a massage candle with a heart and watch him beat you home.
Then report back (with edits…LOL).
Something tells me that you’ll become a wax play fan — SOON.
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