7 Worrisome Things In Relationships...That You Really Shouldn't Worry About
Something that I grew up around were worry warts. It wasn't until I grew up and was able to create my own energy oasis that I realized how toxic that space actually was because worrying really does tend to create issues/problems that don't exist. I mean, just think about what the word means—"to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret". What about that sounds healthy, beneficial or productive? Exactly.
As a marriage life coach, I oftentimes see people literally manifest their own drama in their relationships because they worry about things that, at the end of the day, they really shouldn't worry about—either because it's not that big of a deal or they couldn't really change it if it happened anyway. That's what I want to touch on today. If you want to keep your relationship in a good space, long-term, start by not tormenting yourself—and ultimately your partner—by choosing to have fear, anxiety and/or doubt about things that…really aren't worth it at the end of the day.
1. Titles
Titles are an interesting topic. When it comes to romantic relationships specifically, on one hand, they can help to bring about clarity. On another, if you're too consumed with them, they can create a lot of unnecessary drama. As someone who has said, many times, that I am too damn old for a boyfriend (check out "Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again"), a title isn't that big of a deal to me. What I need to know is that we're on the same page (check out "The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have"), that the page isn't a secret to those who know us, and I'm all good. Besides, titles typically only come up when folks are being introduced to other people, right? It's like the title is needed in order to validate the relationship and, trust me, if you're being treated well and right, you will automatically feel confident—both in and out of the presence of folks.
The only real caveat to this is when a man refuses to put a title on your relational dynamic when it's something that you actually long for. I know a married couple like this. While the wife claims that she and her husband were a couple for many years prior to jumping the broom, her man is adamant that nothing "official" ever transpired before they said, "I do". Hmph. That low-key sounds like, "If I say you were my girlfriend and you find out all of the dirt that I did, I can't excuse my way out of it by saying we were never a couple in the first place." SMDH.
Still, people like that tend to be the exception and not the rule when it comes to this particular point. Besides, a title means nothing if the actions aren't backing up the words. For instance, I know another guy who, when he's asked if he has a girlfriend, he sometimes says, "She might think I'm her boyfriend but I don't have a girlfriend." This ninja. So yeah, why spend a lot of time worrying about if there's a title to your situation or not? Because it has to matter as much to the person who you're in a relationship with as it does to you, anyway. Instead, focus on if your needs are being met. If they are, chill. And what if the "need" is to have a title? If so, ask yourself why. Then discuss it with your partner. You might realize that you wanted one only because it's so-called what everyone else is doing and not really because it's that big of a deal to you. Or, you might discover that you and he want different things and it's time to do some shifting because of it. Either way, you win.
2. Social Media
If any of you have been watching the current season ofReady to Love, you know that there's a two-time divorced guy on there by the name of David who said that he believes that long-term couples should give each other full password access. While I do think that a marital dynamic is different than two folks who are dating, this is still something that I've never personally desired in any kind of relationship. I mean, for what? When I think of other situations where passwords are shared, it's automatically parents and children that come to mind and it's usually because either a parent doesn't fully trust their child's online actions or they don't think that they're mature enough to handle social media without their guidance.
Adults aren't children, so what's all of the grown folks monitoring about? And if someone isn't your actual spouse, I really don't get why you should have that kind of access.
Being in an intimate relationship doesn't mean that someone has to give up their individuality or privacy. Besides, if you can't trust your partner when it comes to how they interact with people on Instagram (or they can't trust you), why are the two of you together to begin with?
Some folks cause worry to make mountains out of molehills when there shouldn't be one. That said, just because some attractive woman likes your man's page or he's friends with folks you don't know online, that doesn't mean that you need to hop into his DMs or "check" anybody. Geeze. Things grow when they have space (more on that in a sec). Not when they are being suffocated. Your partner doesn't need you monitoring them. If you disagree, the issue is probably way bigger than social media. Real talk.
3. Your Partner’s Opposite Sex Friendships
Do I think that men and women can be "just friends"? 1000 percent. I've got a few male friends—single and married—to prove it. When two people are truly platonic (check out "The Word 'Platonic' Is Sacred. Literally."), there really is nothing to worry about because a "spiritual love-based relationship" oftentimes takes on a very different kind of energy. Like me? I adore all of my male friends and they each bring something very special into my life. Yet lawd, the thought of anything sexual or romantic transpiring with any of them basically makes me want to throw up in my mouth. I'm not exaggerating. That's why I'm so over the myth that just because someone has a penis and you've got a vagina, there is an automatic temptation there—even if it's dormant—between two people. Who said?
Case in point. I just went out with a very close male friend of mine not too long ago. He is adorable and hella photogenic. And yet, we can talk about him and all of the women who want him 'til the cows come home because I can't even get my mind around us being anything more than what we are. He listens to me. I listen to him. We provide each other with a perspective that our same-sex friends are unable to provide and that's about the extent of our connection. That's all that it ever will be.
Unfortunately, some people get into relationships and think that a part of their job is to get their partner to "clean house" when it comes to their opposite sex friendships when what they're actually doing is putting an expiration date on their relationship (at least 8 times out of 10). Listen, unless "she's" hella disrespectful (check out "What If Your Guy Friend's Girlfriend Isn't Feelin' You?"), she seems to be trying to influence you man to distance himself from you or she's putting strain on him to the point where he can't take care of the other priorities in his life (none of these instances sound very "platonic" to me, by the way), who cares if he's got female friends in his life? If they were gonna be together…they would've been together. Don't create problems that don't exist, just because you've heard too many times that men and women can't be "just friends". That is absolutely not the truth.
4. Not Seeing Everything Eye to Eye
I personally think that one of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is expecting their partner to become their clone. Shoot, worse than that, they put themselves in the position to become the "clone trainer" when no one (especially their partner) asked them to do so.
You know, a part of what comes with being emotionally intelligent in a relationship is understanding that people who are different than you are can help you to evolve in ways that folks who are similar never could. So, if you're out here worrying that you and your partner won't work out because you're not in agreement about everything under the sun, what is it that grandma used to say? You're just borrowing trouble.
How can you know if the differences are potentially problematic? That's a fair question. If you don't share similar values. If you don't have the same long-term goal(s) for the relationship. If you communicate in a toxic way. If you don't respect one another's religious and political points of view. If you don't complement one another. If any of this is going on, you shouldn't shrug it off. However, everything else? You're far better off being open-minded when it comes to why the two of you have different approaches to matters than assuming that you're doomed, just because y'all are not Bobbsey Twins. A lot of marriages end, unfortunately, because one or both spouses don't get this very point. Your partner isn't supposed to be just like you—again, they are to complement you. Oftentimes, differences are what do that because they challenge you to grow. RELAX.
5. Being on Other People’s Timetable
A couple of years back, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, "Experts Say You Should Date This Long Before Getting Married". If you're rushing and you want the bottom line answer, many relationship experts say that it shouldn't take longer than two years for two marriage-minded people (check out "One Overlooked Yet Obvious Indicator That A Man Is Husband Material") to date and at least get engaged. For the most part, I agree with that (by the way, it's also not the wisest thing to stay engaged for more than two years; engagement really should mean that you are in a period where you are planning your wedding not sitting around forever with a ring on your finger). What I will also say is this is a generalized conclusion—and each couple is different.
If you and yours live in two different cities, states or countries. If you and yours are trying to get your finances together (lawd, PLEASE get your finances together). If the both of you know that you love each other and still would like to take out some time to do some self-work (via therapy, etc.) in order to heal some issues before taking things to the next level. If there are certain things that you know would be easier for you to accomplish as a single person before getting married. If you've got kids and you want to make sure that things will "blend well"—don't let what relationship experts, your mama or your married girlfriends think deter you from what your gut instincts say is best.
It really is sad, how much a lot of us worry about things that we're really not all that worried about; it's just that people and their opinions come in and try to plant seeds of fear, confusion or doubt. So long as you and your guy are clear about your relationship short- and long-term goals and you're both working to meet them, give the clock a bit of a rest. Haste makes waste. That's not just a random saying. There is a ton of truth to it. Just ask a lot of the divorced people that you know.
6. The Need for Space
I honestly don't know anyone who doesn't want their own space from time to time. I take that back—yes, I do. Needy people. Controlling people. Insecure people. Folks with a low-key love addiction. Yet one thing that all of those individuals have in common is they typically look for their relationship to fill voids that they need to work on as individuals. So, if you're someone who knows that you kinda suffocate your partner, I say this in love when I say, "heal thyself".
While I get that sometimes there can be challenges in this area because, for instance, your primary love language may be physical touch when your partner's isn't or you enjoy spending as much time as possible with the ones you care about while your partner is cool with you only seeing each other a couple of times a week, tops, it's not fair to assume that someone who wants space is someone who doesn't care about you, isn't being on the up-and-up when it comes to what the two of you have agreed to do and not do out of each other's presence or that he can't be trusted on some levels. Right as I'm typing this, I can think of a woman who is constantly finding ways to not be out of her husband's presence. I mean physical presence, online presence—you name it. And you know what? It's taking a major toll on the relationship because while she's calling it "love", he's calling it "annoying AF" and "hella insecure".
I believe that we've all heard the saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Deeper than that, being a couple doesn't mean that someone doesn't want their own "me" time.
Encouraging your partner to have time alone. Being cool with them spending time with friends when you're not around. Not feeling like all of your free time needs to be spent together—you'd be surprised how much that can make him feel like you are secure in the relationship. And that kind of confidence is sexy as hell.
7. That It Won’t Work Out
I've got a friend who, right at this very moment, is going through the grieving process of a break-up. Something that's a bit fascinating about the situation is he basically saw red flags in the dynamic and blatantly ignored them. And so, although he knew that there was an expiration date to the relationship, he kept putting off the inevitable which led to him becoming more attached, which caused the break-up to ultimately become more painful. Still, in the midst of it all, he's seeing some personal growth and lessons that he may not have learned any other way.
My point? I don't know many people who go into relationships with a plan to end them (some folks are narcissists, users or commitment-phobes which is why I couldn't say that I don't know any). So yes, if/when the relationship comes to an end, it can be really difficult. Sometimes, even devastating. I've been there. Believe that. Yet when it comes to myself and the folks I know who've shared their relationship and break-up stories with me, only maybe 10-15 percent have a lot of regrets. The reason why is because they see that some things naturally run their course after a season, that sometimes breaking up is a pruning process that helps us to grow and/or that if they hadn't ended that relationship, they wouldn't be with the person they're with—someone who is far better for them—now.
Besides, sitting around worrying that a relationship could end could play itself out to be a form of self-sabotage because you end up bringing so much fear, negativity, confusion, testing (you know, testing someone to see how loyal or committed they are; that gets old) and/or drama to the situation that it ends up running its course—even if it wasn't supposed to.
So, STOP WORRYING. As long as you bring your best self to the relationship, that's all you can do. Let the universe handle what you can't control. If you remain in this head and heart space, you'll realize that there really isn't all that much to worry about anyway. What will be, will be—and ultimately, it will be for your better good. If not immediately…eventually. Amen.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Growing up in Brooklyn, New York, Caribbean culture has always been all around me, from the food to the dancehall and soca music to traditions carried out by all of the Caribbean people living in the city. As a youngin, I loved attending the West Indian Day Parade every September because the floats, steel drums, extravagant feathers, and upbeat music made me feel free and gave me a deeper appreciation for the culture.
As I got older, I learned that the yearly Carnivals happening across the Caribbean put NYC’s little festivities to shame. Traveling to the islands themselves and experiencing the people and culture first-hand really gives you a deeper understanding and appreciation for Caribbean culture.
The history of Carnival celebrations in the Caribbean can be traced back to enslaved people who were forbidden from participating in the Pre-Lenten celebrations and thus created their own celebrations and traditions, which over time developed into celebrations of freedom and rebellion. Each country in the Caribbean has its own unique history of celebrations, as well as its own Carnival traditions that set it apart from other festivities.
What started as a Pre-Lenten celebration is now celebrated during a range of months throughout the year and now attracts hundreds of people from all over the world. Here are six carnivals that you should go to this year to experience this culture for yourself.
Crop Over - Barbados Carnival
Crop Over Dates: July 31, 2024 - August 6, 2024
What better place to celebrate carnival than the home of our Bajan Queen Rihanna? While some festivities start as early as May, the official festival season in Barbados starts in July and ends in early August. Crop Over originally started as a way for plantation workers to celebrate the end of the sugarcane harvest season and has now evolved into a much larger celebration. Crop Over is a blend of both old and new traditions, such as the Ceremonial Delivery of the Last Canes, and Cohobblopot, where bands show off their beautiful costumes and play soca and calypso music.
All of the week's festivities culminate with the Grand Kadooment, Crop Over’s big parade featuring all of the bands and droves of people taking to the streets in their beautiful costumes and dancing to the local music.
Other things to do: Visit Hunte’s Garden in Joseph’s Parish and find peace in the picturesque garden while spotting an array of different birds and animals. If you’re looking for beach relaxation, spend a day at Carlisle Bay, the perfect beach for swimming, taking in some sun, and a possible turtle sighting.
Saint Thomas Carnival
Saint Thomas Carnival Dates: April 28, 2024 - May 5, 2024
No passport? That won’t be a problem for U.S. travelers looking to get in on the carnival experience. Saint Thomas, one of the three U.S. Virgin Islands, is known for its crystal clear beaches, scuba diving scene, and overall vibrant culture. The island celebrates its carnival in late April and features a dynamic lineup of events including colorful adult and kiddie parades, calypso competitions, and street parties. Virgin Islanders are known to love to party, so make sure to fill up before the festivities with some local favorites like johnny cakes, callaloo, and conch fritters.
With its rich cultural heritage and lively atmosphere, this is a carnival experience perfect for a first-timer who wants to ease their way into the lifestyle.
Other things to do: Visit one of Saint Thomas’ many turquoise blue beaches such as Coki, Magens Bay, Brewers Bay, or Lindquist Beach. Coki Beach is perfect if you're looking for a more lively experience and want to snorkel without swimming far out, and Brewers Bay is best known for the sea turtles that you can see from the sand. You can also take a short ferry over to Saint John, another of the Virgin Islands, and spend a day at Lime Out, a floating taco and margarita bar.
Spicemas - Grenada Carnival
Courtesy of Grenada Tourism Authority
Spicemas Dates: August 7, 2024 - August 14, 2024
Grenada, also known as the Spice Isle due to its production of a variety of spices, has one of the most anticipated carnivals every year. During Spicemas, revelers hit the streets for lively music, paint, oil, dancing, and good times. One of the most important aspects of Spicemas is Jab Jab, a celebration that involves covering one's body in black oil or paint. This tradition started as a post-emancipation masquerade, in which former enslaved Africans would paint themselves black emulating a “Jab” derived from the French word diable, which means devil.
This was a way of mocking their former masters and also represented rebellion and freedom. Since then, the tradition has evolved into a staple of Carnival on J’ouvert morning, a celebration of freedom, and undoubtedly an element that makes Grenada stand out from other Carnivals across the diaspora. Outside of J’ouvert, Spicemas is a beautiful culmination of colorful and vibrant costumes, steel band competitions, delicious rum, and music that you’ll dance to all night.
Grenada is celebrating 50 years of independence this year, so just know that Spicemas is going to be extra special!
Other things to do: For the ocean lovers, the Molinere Bay Underwater Sculpture Park is a must-see attraction. It is the world's first underwater sculpture park and a popular excursion for folks visiting the island. This year, five new installations are being added to the park, which can all be viewed through snorkeling, diving, or a glass bottom boat ride.
Antigua Carnival
Antigua Carnival Dates: July 31, 2024 - August 7, 2024
Every August, carnival lovers flock to the beautiful island of Antigua for its annual carnival festival. First celebrated in 1957, Antigua’s Carnival started as a celebration of emancipation from slavery and has since expanded into a dynamic showcase of local talent, music, and cultural pride. Some events to look forward to are the Party Monarch and Calypso Monarch competitions, as well as the Caribbean Queen’s Competition.
Antigua Carnival is an almost two-week extravaganza that leads into J’ouvert on Carnival Monday and the main parade on Carnival Tuesday. If you love good music, vibrant costumes, and delicious food, this is the carnival for you.
Other things to do: Take a trip to Shirley Heights Lookout for live music and breathtaking panoramic views of the coastline and ocean. And with 365 beaches in total, you’d be missing out if you didn’t fit in a few on your itinerary.
Bermuda Carnival
Bermuda Carnival Dates: June 12, 2024 - June 17, 2024
Also known as Heroes Weekend, Bermuda Carnival may be smaller than some of the other carnivals, but is still a great time. Bermuda is one of the newer carnivals, originating in 2015. Celebrated in June, this long weekend of festivities draws inspiration from other popular carnivals while also highlighting elements of Bermudian culture. You can expect some similar elements as other countries such as daily fetes, soca music, and a parade filled with different bands and extravagant costumes.
They also celebrate Bermuda’s National Heroes during carnival with a national feast. Bermudians have immense pride in their country and culture, and their carnival is the biggest celebration of the year that you don’t want to miss.
Other things to do: Take a day trip to Crystal and Fantasy Caves, beautiful caves formed over millions of years that you can take tours of. Spend a few hours taking in these beautiful natural wonders and seeing some of the formations and underground pools.
Saint Lucia Carnival
Saint Lucia Carnival Dates: July 10, 2024 - July 17, 2024
Home to some of the most beautiful mountains and beaches in the Caribbean, Saint Lucia has the perfect backdrop for an unforgettable carnival experience. Saint Lucia Carnival didn’t take flight until the late 1940s but has grown into a favorite for both novice and seasoned masqueraders. Formerly held in February, this carnival now kicks off in July which allows it not to compete with the highly revered Trinidadian carnival that also happens at that time. Saint Lucia’s Carnival has grown in popularity over the years because of the lively music, delicious food, and turned-up fetes.
One of the highlights is the Parade of the Bands, where masqueraders adorned in elaborate costumes dance through the streets to the rhythms of soca, calypso, and steelpan music. The best way to prepare for the Saint Lucia Carnival is to stay hydrated and well-fed so that you can thoroughly enjoy the plethora of events and parties happening from early morning to nightfall.
Other things to do:The Pitons, Gros Piton and Petit Piton are a UNESCO World Heritage Site and one of the main attractions in Saint Lucia. Take a hike of Gros Piton or just marvel at its natural beauty. If you're there on a Friday night, stop by the weekly Gros Islet Street Party, which is filled with music, drinks, and local food.
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Featured image courtesy of Grenada Tourism Authority