We Talked To Over 20 Guys About The Things They Like In Bed But Won’t Ask For
Let's keep it all the way real here. Men love sex. Women love sex. Those are just the facts. But what's often up for debate is exactly how each group would REALLY prefer to enjoy it. And I'm not just talking about favorite positions and foreplay. No, I'm talking about those deep innermost thoughts that we all secretly have but rarely ever voice. You know, the ones that would make all our mommas and grandmamas clutch their pearls if word ever got out. The ones that might make our friends look at us a little differently at brunch. And the ones that ALSO might make our significant other step up their game in bed if expressed.
So, it was in that spirit that I decided to take to the streets (not really because, 'Rona) and get a firsthand account of some of the things men like in bed but don't always ask for. And boy, did they NOT hold back. From butt play to role play and everything in between--nothing was off limits for these guys and the things they like but won't ask for. And I do mean, nothing. You might want to keep your pearls handy and pour up a drink for this one. Don't say I didn't warn you.
*Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect the freaky.
The Things Guys Like In Bed But Won't Ask For
For some guys, there was hardly anything they couldn’t ask for in bed…
Zach, 26
"Honestly, we are extremely open sexually and make sure to give reviews often. We've done some weird stuff already before so it's not many things I couldn't bring up."
Cortney, 27
"Usually I ask if it's something not being reciprocated. I feel like in the bedroom, when it comes to sex--it's a connection both partners have. In my case, I'm never apprehensive because most times it's clear, if that makes sense."
James, 27
"Everything I'm interested in, my partner is fine doing it. But I guess it's not fair that I never really asked for anything, it just happened over time."
Anthony, 26
"I'm personally kind of vocal in the things I like to participate in, so really I'm asking for whatever (laughs). I will say I haven't reached the pinnacle of 'freakiness', so my palette is honestly easy to ask for when wanted. In my past/current experiences, as I get older, there will be things I might like to try and explore. But hopefully, I'll have chosen an open enough partner who doesn't make me feel like what I'm asking for is out of the question."
Chris W*, 29
"Honestly, I am apprehensive about asking for things. My upbringing contributed heavily to never being a man to ask anything from anyone, especially my lady. I desire for us to be less structured and more experimental. Not in a sense of bringing other people in or anything, but just in getting lost within each other sexually."
"I will say I haven't reached the pinnacle of 'freakiness', so my palette is honestly easy to ask for when wanted. In my past/current experiences, as I get older, there will be things I might like to try and explore. But hopefully, I'll have chosen an open enough partner who doesn't make me feel like what I'm asking for is out of the question."
For other guys, what they won't ask for in bed is butt play…
TJ, 37
"[I want] my butthole to be touched. I don't want it penetrated but when I'm getting head, I like it touched. If I'm with a person that is not as open-minded or a person that I think will tease me for something we did, that makes me uncomfortable. Like a woman: the more comfortable I am, the freakier I am."
Dave, 36
"I like my butt being played with. My partner has done it before and was actually the one who introduced me to it, but then she goes to say that she's worried that I'll realize I'm actually gay. So, I never ask for it and just hope she chooses to each time."
Robert, 35
"I want my anus ate. It's not an easy topic to discuss or bring up, especially when you've not hinted at it before. Sometimes I want a freebie. That's a jump and nut. Not because I don't care about her pleasure, but because the week was long and I just need to get it out. Also, screw me like you got competition and if you know you ain't fresh, freshen up. And if you know there's another woman that's a fantasy of mine, be her for a night. I'd appreciate you more sexually."
For some, oral sex was the thing…
Marlon, 28
"I like it when my girl takes the initiative when it comes to giving head. I like a girl who enjoys sucking dick and doesn't wait for me to ask for it. I don't have a problem asking, but the energy is different (and better for me) when she just pulls it out and does her thing. I'm not necessarily apprehensive but it's not the same feel if I ask for it. [It] takes the spontaneity out of it."
Ed, 25
"I like oral sex but I wouldn't expect it every time. Because sometimes giving head is what a man wants versus what a woman wants. And if I can't give her what she wants, then I don't feel comfortable asking for it."
Chris R*, 26
"Oral sex is something I like to give and receive. However, it becomes an issue when the female doesn't like giving and only wants to receive. It also plays into my philosophy of relationships. I believe both parties should be doing whatever they can to please the other person. This is more of a martial concept, of course. But that's what creates harmony in the relationship. When both are willing to step slightly outside of their comfort zone to please each other, it creates satisfaction for both sides. It's one of those things I shouldn't have to ask for (in my opinion). I don't want her to think I feel entitled to it. But in all honesty, since we both are Christians, we shouldn't be doing it at all before marriage anyways so that also becomes an issue of guilt."
"I believe both parties should be doing whatever they can to please the other person. This is more of a martial concept, of course. But that's what creates harmony in the relationship. When both are willing to step slightly outside of their comfort zone to please each other, it creates satisfaction for both sides."
And for others, it was a bit of everything...
Reggie*, 33
"We've discussed the standard things: threesome--open to before the pandemic; she wants to watch me with another woman, [but there's the] same dilemma. In that, there's a little bit of a cheating fantasy, I think, but I don't even know where or how to bring that up. Also, I'm really into--there's no politically correct term I know for this--tit-f*cking. But my girlfriend isn't endowed in that way. We've tried, but it didn't work. So, I'm always nervous bringing it back up. Another visual thing I'm into, but it would have to wait for post-pandemic, is a double blowjob. Selfish to some degree, but in addition to the visual, I'm curious about how it actually feels. If there's anything that I'm more interested in that I don't know how to bring up again, it's being in an open relationship."
Keith, 32
"I really enjoy a level of role-playing, but not full-on acting out different characters. But more so, unwavering focus to be as nasty as you want. That means someone who takes charge and talks dirty and just makes sex feel like an event. I don't ever want them to feel as if they're less than what I want or that I'm being demanding."
AK, 32
"Oh, I know one, sleeping in the bed alone. [Were] you ever in a relationship and just want the bed to yourself for no reason? I wouldn't be able to say it out loud. But I guess anything that I think would make her look at me differently or make her feel like she was just a prop for the sole sake of my pleasure. I think culture has conditioned us as males, especially straight black males, to feel like sex is performative and mainly for our pleasure as a reward of being like the realest n*gga or getting a girl to let you have sex with her. From rap songs to porn, it's easy to take that mentality into the bedroom and assume that's the goal of sex. And as a guy, if you not careful, you can catch yourself slipping into that headspace instead of like, a collaborative, serve each other mindset that is mutually beneficial."
"I think culture has conditioned us as males, especially straight black males, to feel like sex is performative and mainly for our pleasure as a reward of being like the realest n*gga or getting a girl to let you have sex with her. From rap songs to porn, it's easy to take that mentality into the bedroom and assume that's the goal of sex. And as a guy, if you not careful, you can catch yourself slipping into that headspace instead of like, a collaborative, serve each other mindset that is mutually beneficial."
Julian, 28
"To be honest, there isn't much I wouldn't ask for that he wouldn't do because I'm very straightforward and transparent and he enjoys it! I think the things I would ask for, would be sex in public places other than a damn car, where the thrill of getting caught plays into us getting off! I would like to be tied up to a swing, gagged, spanked and a light beating with oil before sex. And it needs to be good aggressive sex, like biting and scratching pinned down, talking shit and maybe even a little spit in my mouth here and there. Choke me while you f*ck me and I'm on poppers so the head high and orgasm are amazing. I love soft passionate lovemaking, but sometimes I need that hard pressure and aggression."
Shannon, 27
"I've never really given it any thought but now that I think about it whenever I'm giving backshots, the sights are wonderful. Sometimes I'm like, 'I wonder what this hole would feel like instead' and as quick as the thought pops up, I'm like, 'Nah, she's probably not into that, TF is wrong with me?' But truthfully, for my life partner, whoever she may be, if I could learn all of the ways to bring her pleasure, why wouldn't I?"
GDT, 30
"In real life, in most scenarios, I am the leader and/or in some form of control. I want to be able to sit back and enjoy this session. Feel free to take complete control. Also, tease me. I like to work for it up until the point of your last piece of clothing comes off. As bad as you want it, make me think I'm working for it even in that moment. That's sure to get you more than one round. Be spontaneous! Let's have sex in the car, on a hiking trail, the kitchen counter, inside the resturant bathroom. Let's try some things.
"Be nasty. Let me slut you out! Sounds bad, but if I'm the only person enjoying you and vice versa, swallow me literally and figuratively. And lastly, initiate more often: I love sex, Men love sex. We don't want to have to ask for it or feel like we're pressuring you. Just come home and do what needs to be done (laughs). I'm a professional, always, so sounding rude or overly pressuring someone I love and/or sexually active with is not the goal. Also, I understand the daily disrespect and hard days Black women have (and I'm only interested in Black women--no love lost for others pursuing differently) so I'm not trying to seem abusive by my request."
"Be nasty. Let me slut you out! Sounds bad, but if I'm the only person enjoying you and vice versa, swallow me literally and figuratively. And lastly, initiate more often: I love sex, Men love sex. We don't want to have to ask for it or feel like we're pressuring you."
Jay*, 30
"I started watching porn really early, at like 10. I'm almost thirty now so, as the years passed, regular porn wasn't enough for me. I started to watch more BDSM, trans, cuckold, humiliation, femdom stuff because of the shock value and it excited me. One thing I struggle with is defining what I just like to watch and what I actually want to try. A few things I have yet to tell my wife about is my desire to be degraded. Like while we're having sex, I want her to laugh at my size, call my penis small, make fun of me. Along with this, I want her to communicate how worthless my dick is and tell me to bend over so she can peg me. I'd actually love to do all of these things in front of our friends. I really want to go to an adult lifestyle club and have sex in a room full of strangers and watch others."
Arin*, 28
"Hmmmm. That's a good question. I would have to say that I feel like confidence is the most important thing that I can't really ask for. I feel like confidence leads to a lot. And plus, there is little better than a beautiful woman who knows she's beautiful."
Aaron, 33
"I like my nip-nips sucked up on and licked, damnit. I had a girlfriend that used to do that shit and it was tight. But it's hella weird being a grown ass man asking for it still. To be honest, I think guys' bodies are just as sensitive to touch as the ladies'. Getting kissed all over would be tight in general, maybe it's just me."
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Writer. Empath. Escapist. Young, gifted, and Black. Shanelle Genai is a proud Southern girl in a serious relationship with celebrity interviews, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and long walks down Sephora aisles. Keep up with her on IG @shanellegenai.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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There is a lot of debate on whether cusp signs truly exist in Astrology and what that means for individuals born on a cusp. You’ve probably heard someone say they are a Libra-Scorpio Cusp rather than saying they are a Libra. Or heard someone say they don’t resonate with the typical characteristics of their zodiac sign, but they do with the sign next to theirs. Cusp signs come into play when you are born within the last or the first few days of a particular sign’s dates. They signify someone who can be either one sign or the other, and there is a fluidness about which sign they claim. So what is the truth? Can you truly be two signs at once?
Are Cusp Signs Real? What Cusp Signs Actually Mean
Well, technically speaking, no, cusp signs do not exist. This is because Astrology works in degrees, and the degree in which the sun was at the time you were born is either in one sign or the other. There is no “Libra-Scorpio degree” or a separate zodiac sign for people who are born on the cusp. However, it is also evident that individuals who are born within this cusp-frame do indeed have personality traits of their bordering sign and often have a different experience than those with the sun sign they are do. This is called the Cusp-Sign Theory, which debates the validity of being two signs at once.
When you break down the personality of those who fall under ‘cusp signs,’ you can see there is definitely a different energy they bring forth, often a combination of the two signs they are on the cusp on.
The best thing about Astrology is that it’s all about what works and resonates with you. If you were born on the last day of Scorpio Season, yet you strongly identify with Sagittarius traits, then maybe look into your entire birth chart to see where this might be coming from. You may be tapping into your Mercury or Venus sign, which is never too far off from your sun sign as well. So, technically, there are no cusp signs in Astrology, but there are different personality traits that people carry when they are on the border of another sign however, and there is no denying that.
Therefore, it’s important to look into what those traits are, and what type of characteristics you resonate with and can learn more about in yourself. There is no right or wrong here, and below, we will talk about what it means to be born on such a date.
Cusp Signs Dates
1.ARIES-TAURUS CUSP (Apr. 16-22): The Cusp of Power
Individuals born within the Aries/Taurus degrees have an air of power to them. They are headstrong, willful, and, yes, stubborn. These are the type of Aries that are also a little more grounded than the typical fire sign and may also have more of a need for stability, being less impulsive than the Ram is. Those born on the last few days of Aries Season also typically carry more of the Taurean's physical traits as well. The Tauruses born on this date are more fiery and passionate than their fellow earth signs.
2.TAURUS-GEMINI CUSP (May 17-23): The Cusp of Energy
Tauruses who are close to the Gemini degree are typically more outgoing and social than most Taurus are. These are people who are more inclined to communicate and are gifted with their charming self-expression. The Cusp of Energy resonates with the fact that these individuals work at their own speed and own timeline, using their Taurus head-strong traits with their Gemini traits or curiosity.
3.GEMINI-CANCER CUSP (Jun. 17-23): The Cusp of Magic
The Cusp of Magic explains the Gemini-Cancer combination that can sometimes be apparent in individuals. These are the alchemists in Astrology, people who know how to work with the different resources available to them to create something magical. These are also more emotional Geminis than this typical Mercurial sign, and they align with the head and the heart. The Cancers born within these dates are more self-expressive than the typical Crab and come out of their shell more often as well.
4.CANCER-LEO CUSP (Jul. 19-25): The Cusp of Oscillation
The Cancer-Leo Cusp can feel a little more challenging to the individuals who are born within these dates because Cancer and Leo energy is drastically different. These individuals can feel all over the place at times, but these are also Cancers who are more confident and self-empowered. Those who are the Leos in this time frame tend to be more emotional as well. Mood swings can be more likely with this combo, and they strive to maintain balance in life.
5.LEO-VIRGO CUSP (Aug. 19-25): The Cusp of Exposure
The Leo-Virgo Cusp is one of light and energy. These are the powerhouses who stand by their word and who know how to show up. Leos born on these dates get the best of both worlds to where they still have the regal flair of a Leo but with the intelligence of a Virgo. There is no denying that Virgos, born in August, and Virgos, born in September, have a different vibe. August Virgos tends to be more outgoing with a luxurious flair, and these cusps tend to have a lot going for them in life.
6.VIRGO-LIBRA CUSP (Sep. 19-25): The Cusp of Beauty
The Virgo-Libra Cusp is the Cusp of Beauty. These individuals are physically beautiful and exude this type of feminine energy as well. Virgos born within these dates tend to overthink less and can be more open-minded on matters thanks to Libra’s laissez-faire attitude seeping in. Libras born within this cusp don’t differ too much from their charming Libra qualities but do typically have a stronger gift and need for organization than most Libras do.
7.LIBRA-SCORPIO CUSP (Oct. 19-25): The Cusp of Drama
The Cusp of Drama explains the Libra-Scorpio Cusp, and that’s because these are two very different signs, and when they come together, there can be somewhat of a clash. Libra loves, and Scorpio feels, so there are a lot of emotions within these individuals, and a lot is going on internally with them. This cusp seems to have a more dramatic life than most, and they always keep things interesting.
8.SCORPIO-SAGITTARIUS CUSP (Nov. 18-24): The Cusp of Revolution
The Scorpio/Sagittarius combo brings forth great power. With two transformative signs mingling, these are individuals who make great strides in life and who can do great things in this world. With Scorpio's determination and Sagittarius’ larger-than-life mindset, these are people who walk into a room and are instantly noticed. Their energy is very strong, and they go through many transformations in life.
9.SAGITTARIUS-CAPRICORN CUSP (Dec. 18-24): The Cusp of Prophecy
The Sagittarius-Capricorn Cusp tends to be common in teachers, philosophers, or guides. These are people who have learned many life lessons and also learned the importance of sharing their wisdom with others. The Sagittariuses born within these dates are a little less impulsive than most Sagittariuses. The Capricorns born within this timeframe are more intrigued with the spiritual side of life than the typical serious Capricorn is.
10.CAPRICORN-AQUARIUS CUSP (Jan. 16-23): The Cusp of Mystery
The Capricorn-Aquarius Cusp doesn’t differentiate too much from their typical sun sign traits because these signs are both ruled by the same planet, Saturn. These are hard-working and intelligent people who also tend to have a gift with money, time, and creating new systems. There is an air of mystery to these individuals as well, and they often surprise people with their interests, talents, and tastes.
11.AQUARIUS-PISCES CUSP (Feb. 15-21): The Cusp of Sensitivity
The Aquarius-Pisces Cusp is one of the more common ones, and these individuals often align strongly with their Piscean traits. Being on the border of an air sign and a water sign brings a heightened sensitivity and an awareness of the world around them. Aquarius is aligned with the collective consciousness, and Pisces is the compassion that heals the collective. These are people who typically make great friends and confidants and who you want in your circle.
12.PISCES-ARIES CUSP (Mar. 17-23): The Cusp of Rebirth
The Cusp of Rebirth signifies the Pisces-Aries Cusp and that is because Pisces is the last sign on the zodiac wheel, and Aries is the first. There is a transformative energy in the middle of these two signs, and their traits often differ drastically. However, the Pisces born on this cusp have an additional flair and charisma to them, and the Aries born on this cusp are more connected to their emotions than most Aries. People born within these dates are often changing, and moving through culminations and new beginnings in life.
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