10 Things Marriages Need On A Daily Basis
Showering. Brushing your teeth. Eating meals. Drinking water. Sleeping. If there is one thing that all of this has in common, it's the fact that they are a part of our daily routine. We do them in order to stay healthy and also in order to (hopefully) prevent any issues up the road. Well, this list that I'm about to provide you has a similar agenda. It's all about 10 things married couples should do, each and every day, so that their relationship can remain strong and so that, they too, can avoid problems up the road.
Yeah, it's 10 things and, at first, that can seem like a lot. But once you read them all, you'll see that all you need to do is a bit of tweaking to what you're (probably) already doing. And, with a little effort and time under your belt, you might just realize that these tips could be the very things that your marriage was looking for in order to truly thrive.
1. A Morning Ritual
Inc. once published an article about the five most important times of the day. The second one that made the list was early morning. The author said that the reason why mornings were so vital is because the first 30 moments of our day pretty much sets the tone for how the rest of the day is going to go. Whether it's morning sex (in the shower or out), cuddling together, taking out a little time to meditate and/or pray together, or even saying why you are grateful for each other or giving each other a word of encouragement, before jumping into the hustle and bustle of the day, wake up, pause, and share some quality time with your partner. Being able to mentally and emotionally connect with them, each and every morning, can empower you and strengthen your relationship.
2. Mutual Respect
Almost every time that I'm in a premarital counseling session, I advise that the couple get the bookLove & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. The premise of it is that women need love and, in order for a man to feel love, what he needs is respect (it's biblical; check out Ephesians 5:33; especially, the Classic Amplified Version of it). Now, it's another message for another time, how men's need for respect translates a bit differently than how we need it (the book delves into that too), but there is a certain amount of mutual respect, on a consistent basis, that all marriages need as well.
When two committed people truly respect each other, they trust each other; they can rely on each other; they honor the boundaries of their union; they don't try and change one another (check out "The Right Relationship IMPROVES Not CHANGES You"); they support one another's purpose and goals; they listen and speak the way they want to be listened to and spoken to; they make each other a top priority, and they honor the position that their spouse holds in their life. A lack of respect is one of the greatest causes for the breakdown in a marital relationship.
I promise you, if you and yours make it a point and purpose to respect one another in these ways, you'll be planting good seed into your marriage for years to come.
3. Each Person’s Love Language Being Spoken
I'm pretty sure that most people know what love languages are at this point. But just for clarity's sake, the categories are words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service and gifts. Since one of the leading causes of divorce is poor communication, and love languages are all about "speaking love" in a way that your partner is able to understand it, it is extremely important that you and your spouse 1) know what each other's top two love languages are and 2) that you speak them on a daily basis. If you need a little inspiration in this area, feel free to check out "I Discovered My Husband's Love Language ...And It Changed Everything" and "15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language".
4. Woo
It's funny because, at first, the word that I had here was "flirt". However, when I looked up the actual definition of the word, I was like "nah". To flirt means "to behave or act amorously without emotional commitment; toy or play with another's affections", and that's definitely not something that I would recommend that you do with your spouse. On the other hand, to woo is "to seek the affection or love of someone". In fact, wooing is probably a big part of what caused you to marry your spouse in the first place (because it also means "to seek the favor, affection, or love of, especially with a view to marriage"). Whether it's a passionate kiss before you head out of the door, a note in the lunch that they are taking with them, a "random" text or email during the day, a toast that the two of you make every night—be intentional about doing something to remind your partner that you appreciate and enjoy the affection that they give you. Make a mutual decision that you will find little ways to not take each other's love for granted by engaging in some wooing.
5. Honesty
I recently checked out a movie that came on BET entitledOpen (Essence Atkins, Keith Robinson). It's about a married couple who tried to have an open relationship and…all that comes along with doing that. Anyway, in one scene, another married couple were having a discussion about why the husband doesn't tell his wife everything. There was a line said that hit me in a way that made me write it down—"Since men can't be honest in their marriage, they spend half the time being quiet."
I do enough counseling that I totally get this. A lot of wives claim that their man can come to them about anything yet, when their man does, he is berated and/or chastised and/or dismissed and/or nagged and/or treated in a way that makes them be like, "Yeah, I won't be talking to you about that anymore." It doesn't have to be about anything related to other women either. It can be about finances, their job, their innermost fears, their sexual fantasies, their issues within the relationship—you name it.
Unfortunately, when a lot of people say, "You can tell me anything", the part that they leave out is, "So long as it's something I want to hear." However, a healthy marriage consists of two people who give each other the floor to be totally open, raw and real. The married couples I know who are the tightest are the ones who are the very closest of friends. And, a big part of what makes them friends is being able to be very honest with one another, all without the fear of what could come from doing so.
6. Forgiveness
I say this as often as I can because, trust me, one of the reasons why a lot of people divorce is because someone should've said this to them before they jumped the broom. People who are grudge-holders and poor forgivers are people who need to remain single. To forgive is "to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.)" and "to cease to feel resentment against".
You're human; that means you are flawed. Your spouse is human; he is flawed as well. So, if you're out here thinking that both of you aren't going to offend each other or do something that would trigger resentment in each other from time to time, I don't know what kind of fantasy world you live in. In fact, I think that one of the main purposes of marriage is to teach us how to be better forgivers—how to extend the same kind of mercy and grace to our partner that we would like them to bestow upon us.
It might be that he didn't unload the dishwasher when he said that he would, that he forgot to pay the cable bill on time or that he told your mama something that you didn't want her to know, but believe you me, something is probably gonna happen today that you are going to need to forgive your husband for. For the sake of your personal growth and development, along with the health and well-being of your union, do it.
7. Some Type of Intimacy
The married clients that I have, they know that I am all for them reading and then applying "Married Couples, What You May Need Is Sex. Every Day. For A Month. Straight". If you check out another article that I wrote for the site entitled, "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important", you'll see that it's because I find sex in a marital union to be about so much more than physical pleasure or even a stress release. There are very few things that we can do with someone else that cultivates a spirit and state of true oneness. And so, it is my very firm belief that, the more sex a married couple has, the stronger their bond can become. But if, for whatever the reason, you're not able to get in a sex session on a daily basis—are you sure that you can't pull off a quickie or a little bit of oral?—at least make the time to physically and emotionally connect on some level. Cuddle while the two of you are on the couch. Spoon in the bed. Play footsie while having dinner. Hold hands while taking a walk after dinner. Do something that makes you both feel loved, wanted and present. In a marriage, this shouldn't be seen as a luxury. Cultivating intimacy is an absolute necessity.
8. A Spiritual “Boost”
Author Brené Brown once said, "We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection." Indeed. I'm a Bible follower, so I personally believe that God is a part of marital relationships ("What God has joined together, let not man separate."—Matthew 19:6—NKJV) That's why, to me, a spiritual boost would be about doing something that would make you feel more connected to your husband and the Lord (like maybe doing a devotional together or even spending time in nature together). But even if you've got a different set of ideologies, it can do wonders for your marriage to honor the fact that you and yours are spiritual beings; that, as Brené so eloquently said, doing something together that solidifies trust, respect, kindness and/or affection is what can nurture each other's spirit in a very special and significant way. It can be telling each other something that you've been holding in. Or doing something thoughtful for absolutely no reason other than you love your partner.
The married couples I know who have the healthiest marriages, they definitely are intentional about feeding their spiritual sides. Out of all that I mentioned, this could've easily gone on the very top of the list.
9. A Selfless Act
It is absolutely mind-boggling, just how many people who are, not only selfish in their marriage, but don't realize that they are. To be selfish is to be self-consumed. An author by the name of Mia Asher explains it in a great way—"The thing about being selfish is that you don't care if someone is at your feet begging you to stay with him, offering you the world, his heart and soul. It doesn't matter. You'll do whatever you want to do. What you need to do for yourself. Nothing matters but what you want. What you think you need." It escapes me right now, the movie or television show that I saw it on, but I remember that when a committed couple got into a heated discussion, one of them said something along the lines of, "When you decided to be in this relationship, you gave up 'me' for 'us'." So true, so true. And yet, why do so many people leave their marriage? Hmph. Just listen to all of the "I, I, I" that is in their answer.
Just like people who suck at forgiveness have absolutely no business getting married, neither do selfish individuals—people who only care about their own wants and needs and how they can get others to meet them. One way that you and your spouse can avoid being that kind of person is by doing something, daily, for your spouse that doesn't really benefit anyone but them. Picking up dry cleaning. Getting a favorite food at the grocery store. Cueing up a favorite program. Doing a house chore that the other hates. Running an errand that would take less stress off of them. A lot of people are miserable in marriages because they are selfish, they are with someone who is selfish or both. A lot of marriages could be saved if people chose to be more selfless instead.
10. Saying “I Love You”
Is it necessary to say "I love you" on a daily basis? Eh. On many levels, probably not. But to verbally express the sentiment is a way of showing that 1) you are choosing, this day, to remain committed to your partner; 2) that you want them to know that they can feel safe and secure in your feelings for them and 3) that you have a profound attachment, affection and desire towards them. Hmph. So, maybe it is necessary to say it every day, huh?
Now, here's an interesting point to consider once one of you has said it. The author of "Why You Should Never Say 'I Love You, Too'" shared that this is why he doesn't do it:
"There is nothing inspiring or original about too. Too is not an action but a reaction. It follows another's ideas and saps power from their concept. Too is the equivalent of saying ditto. Why would we ever add 'too' to 'I love you' then?"
"I love you should be a statement of power. It is something to say to another because it is meant from within the depths of our heart. When we tell someone we love them, it should be organic, brought about because we experience these emotions on a visceral level. Love is a manifestation of feelings we speak because we have lost all other words to describe the intensity we feel in a relationship. A good I love you, spoken at the right moments, compresses all the intimacies of caring for another into a few words that can be said to sum up the deepest feelings of the heart. I love you is often considered the end all phrases for affection. Why cheapen this powerful statement by making it an also?"
Do I think that what he said should be taken super literally? Maybe not. But I do like that it's a reminder to always value those three words. It can be a special sentiment—or even a grand gesture—to not just flippantly yell out "I love you too" as you run out of the door every morning but to instead, pause, take each other by the hand, look each other in the eyes and say, "I love you." It only takes a couple of more seconds, but it conveys that you are making the time to make sure that your spouse knows that. It's a way to honor love, your partner and your relationship with them. And that's something that both of you deserve, each and every day. Amen? Amen.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
10 Hacks To Get Your Marriage Back On Track
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Tour Interior Designer Annisa LiMara's Organic Modern Meets Midcentury Modern ATL Abode
In xoNecole's series Dope Abodes, we tour the living spaces of millennial women, where they dwell, how they live, and the things they choose to adorn and share their spaces with.
Annisa LiMara has called this space her home for two years. Her Atlanta sanctuary, which she aimed to give the look and feel of something you'd see in the glossy pages of Architectural Digest, embodies her vision of "stunning, yet functional and cozy."
"My home is a reflection of my brand, The Creative Peach Studios, and I am the 'Creative Peach,'" Annisa explains. "It was so easy to reflect who I am and my personal story in my space. When you walk into my home, you know that it is Annisa’s home. I’m so proud of that. So grateful."
On the journey to becoming a homeowner, Annisa looks back on her experience as a "rough one," detailing that she officially started house hunting in March 2020. It had become so expensive to rent, and the 30-something lifestyle influencer decided she would rather invest the money she spent renting into owning a home. However, nine days into house hunting, her search was put on hold for a year. The following year, in 2021, the process of finding the right home and going under contract took a total of four months.
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"The resell route didn’t work out, so my realtor suggested a new construction home, which turned out to be the better option," she tells xoNecole of her experience. "Although it requires more patience, it turned out to be a much easier process and a lot easier to maintain since it’s brand new."
As it turns out, the open floor plan three-bedroom two-and-half-bath would prove to be a blank canvas for Annisa to flex her creativity and design skills.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
As a new construction, she watched the townhome get built from the ground up, and due to the "cookie-cutter" nature of new builds, Annisa knew immediately that she would change everything about it. The best part about it? All of her updates were cosmetic, so transformation could occur without having to do major renovations to achieve the look and feel she desired.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
"The first things I updated were all the lighting, adding built-ins around my fireplace, and installing wallpaper in my bedroom, office, and dining room! I also had board and batten installed in the upstairs loft to make a statement and the kitchen island," Annisa details.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
"Lastly, we painted the loft a soft blush pink, the kitchen island is a gorgeous terracotta, and added contrast with black on the doors, fireplace, and stairwell banisters."
In total, she spent $15K in renovations (plus the cost of furniture and decor). And although she says the second level of her home is a "work-in-progress," two years in, she considers the transformation nearly done.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Annisa defines her decor style as "organic modern meets midcentury modern with a touch of boho," and with thoughtfully placed touches like plants, warm tones, and organic textures, her perspective can be felt throughout. "I found my point of view as a designer in my work and as I worked on my home, so it all came together organically based on what I was naturally drawn to."
"The organic modern meets midcentury modern with a touch of boho' is definitely my signature style. You’ll always see greenery, warm tones, brass, and rattan or wicker in just about every room. My color story is based on my brand [The Creative Peach Studios] colors: blush pink, ivory, olive and sage green, terracotta, and nudes," she adds.
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
It was her brand colors that would be the jumping-off point for her approach to decorating and styling her space. That, and a picture she had of what would become her sofa from Albany Park. She recalled her decor decisions, "It was their olive Park Sectional Sofa, and I knew instantly I wanted it, and it aligned with my brand colors naturally, so it was a no-brainer."
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
By drawing inspiration from Pinterest, favorite design brands like CB2, Arhaus, and Souk Bohemian, and through her work, Annisa allowed herself to be guided by her signature style as well as her instincts when making decor and color choices for her own home. "Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason; it just feels right."
Some of the aspects of her home that she regards as her favorites include her bedroom and its little nook where her bed is positioned, the open upstairs loft, and the open concept because "it really allows you to see all of the details I put into the design all at once." Another of her favorite finds is a purchase she copped from the thrift store years ago.
"I have this little brown and gold chair that I picked up for $6 at a thrift store in Jersey six years ago. I couldn’t afford much in my little studio, but the chair was beautiful and unlike anything I had ever seen."
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
In addition to accent walls featuring blush pink and terracotta tones throughout the space, her gallery wall is another element that immediately draws the eye of any guest who enters. Annisa recalled a fond memory of a fine art piece she purchased from a Black woman artist when she first moved to Atlanta that she now prominently features in her living room. "It was a Black villager from her travels in Africa, and I fell in love with it because it felt like an ancestor I never met. I later found out that she was the sister of one of my very first design clients two years later," she shares. "Talk about a full-circle moment!"
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Kanobi Pollard/xoNecole
Cultivating a space takes time and patience, and that is a sentiment Annisa echoes when advising people who are looking to infuse more of themselves into their own dope abodes through design. "It is not a race, and you’ll spend more money if you rush into designing without really being intentional about the vision for your space," Annisa concludes. "You just need creativity and patience to do it! And most of all, make sure you feel like it’s an oasis for you!"
For more of Annisa, follow her on Instagram @annisalimara.
Tour Interior Designer Annisa LiMara's Modern Meets Midcentury ATL Home | Dope Abodes
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When It Comes To Relationships...Why Is Love NOT Enough?
Charge it to the fact that I am such a fan of music, but whenever I’m out shopping, I tend to pay attention to what stores are playing. And if there’s one song that seems to show up just about everywhere, it’s a light rock classic by Don Henley and Patty Smyth entitled “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough.” I promise, even if you don’t know it by the title, you’ve heard it yourself, at least a dozen times in your lifetime — and whether that kind of music is your “scene” or not, the reality is that the words are true.
Even now, in real time, I’m dealing with two clients who love each other very much, and still…they are gearing up to file for divorce. Why? One reason is that, although the love is very strong, the type of love that the husband has for the wife is very different from the kind of love the wife has for her husband (hers is more of a friendship/agape love). Another reason is because, over time, their values have become very different (get someone who complements your life; it makes all of the difference in the world). And still, another is the wife feels that, if she were to stay, she’d be choosing to remain stagnant as an individual because the kind of life he wants isn’t the kind that she desires…anymore.
Because I am super Team Covenant, for me, in many ways and on many levels, it's all tragic. Divorce is indeed like a death. I am a survivor of it from my own parents. I am watching two children who I love very much currently go through it. And as a marriage life coach for over 18 years now, although I’ve been able to help more couples stay together or even reconcile after divorce, my “record” is not spotless. Yet you do live long enough, and you see that, sometimes, no matter how much love is present, if you want to go the very far and beautiful distance of “’til death parts us” on a literal level — you need more than just love to make that happen…no matter how romantic or even idealistic the notion might be.
Let me explain, in a bit more detail, just where I am coming from.
What It Means to Actually Love Someone
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Have you ever thought about what it actually means to love another individual? I promise that if you rely on social media to define it for you, you’re about to be set up for a mighty fall because easily 60-70 percent of the content on there is self-centered, unrealistic, and very feelings-and-nothing-else driven. What I mean by that last point is folks seem to think that love is ONLY a feeling when it is actually so much more than that.
For starters, love is a daily choice. Yep, ask any married couple who has more than a decade under their belt, and they will be quick to tell you that no matter how much they love their partner, sometimes they don’t “feel” like they do, and so they have to push past their feelings and remember that they chose that individual, they made sacred promises in the form of vows to that person, and so they must choose to honor them. THAT IS A FORM OF LOVE.
Know what else love is?
Love is being someone’s strongest support system, greatest advocate, and biggest hype man or woman. That requires a lot of patience, a ton of prayer, and quite a bit of believing in someone because, if they were perfect, why would they need any of that? Yeah, another thing that’s sad about what many people think about love is they expect the person who they say “I love you” to, to be whatever version of love that they conjured up in their mind — and usually that is very idealistic, which is extremely unfair.
Yeah, it’s mighty interesting that if you look to the Good Book for love definitions, things like “love is patient” (I Corinthians 13:4) and “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son…” (John 3:16) are what immediately come to mind and yet humans? They don’t wanna wait for nothin’, and they definitely don’t think that they should sacrifice anything. Wild.
Another thing about love is it transforms. Not "changes someone" (some folks think they are supposed to use love to manipulate, and that isn’t love at all) — it transforms them. And that takes time. Contemporary Christian artist Michael W. Smith once said, “Transformation in the world happens when people are healed and start investing in other people.” Transformation plays a role in the healing process. Here’s the thing about that, though: if people didn’t have anything wrong with them, what would they need to heal from? Transformation invests in others; in order to invest, you must give — not just take.
Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti once said, “If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation.” Transformation is about understanding someone without trying to change them. Unfortunately, far too many people fail miserably at this. And yet, how arrogant is it to be out here thinking that it’s your job to change someone? Who are you to appoint yourself to that? Do you even understand the person who you’re trying to change? Or are you only coming from the angle of who and what you want them to be? That’s not understanding; again, that is manipulation.
To be honest with y’all, I could go on and on about what love is, yet this is an article and not a book. For now, I’ll just say that I think it was important to amplify those three talking points because they are the “angles of love” that oftentimes go overlooked. That’s why I wanted to lay some foundation on what genuine and mature love looks like before getting into why sometimes love is enough because it’s its own pandemic: the amount of people who call what they are in with or towards someone “love” when it's actually…anything (and sometimes everything) but.
Five Things That Should Come with Being in Love
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Okay, so with all of what I just said, you might wonder how you could actually hit the three love points that I shared, and it still not be enough to keep a relationship going — at least, a healthy and purpose-filled one. That’s a really great question. So, because love is so vast…let’s keep building with five things that should be happening, MUTUALLY SO, when two people are actually in love with each other.
1. You’re becoming a better person. There is a Leo Buscalgia quote that I’ve shared before (more than once, actually) that I absolutely adore. It says, “As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I, in a love relationship, do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.” And honestly, the quote says it all. If you think you’re in love with someone, yet you AND they are not becoming better as a direct result of the love experience, something is definitely awry. At the end of the day, if you believe that “God is love” (I John 4:8&16), love should definitely be improving you and him in a myriad of different ways and on a thousand different levels because a spiritual relationship with the Divine does just that. No wiggle room.
2. Your life is moving forward, not back. On the heels of what I just said, love shouldn’t have you out here living in a state of stagnation. Love is to liberate you and make you feel like you can release what is holding you back so that you can run toward what will improve your quality of life. That said, if since you’ve been with “him,” you can’t name three things that have shifted, drastically so, when it comes to how your life is progressing, that is a bit of a red flag as well. Love is to fuel you into newer dimensions, not keep you in hamster wheels of cyclic (and typically counterproductive) patterns.
3. You are receiving peace and being a conduit of peace too. I can’t believe how many people on social media get triggered whenever they hear that someone wants to be with a peaceful and peace-filled individual. What in the world? Peace, in a relationship, is about harmony. Peace is about tranquility. Peace is about being on one accord, having a strong and solid friendship, and feeling calm in another person’s presence. Peace is not turmoil. Peace is not stress. PEACE IS NOT DRAMA. A lot of people out here? They think that because their relationship is passionate or intense that love is present. More times than not, the answer is “no.” As a woman by the name of Mary Helen Doyle once said, “Choose love and peace will follow. Choose peace and love will follow.” If that is not your personal reality with your significant other…you’ve got some serious thinking to do.
4. Your views on love and relationships are maturing. Have you ever known a relationship that is childish? There’s no other way to put it. The two people involved are always trying to one-up each other. When they’re mad, they’ll go days without speaking. You find yourself watching a soap opera online that you didn’t ask for because one or both of them are constantly being passive-aggressive about each other’s mess on their social media pages. Ugh. Remember how I said that peace isn’t drama? Yeah, true love isn’t either. In fact, one of the main things that love does is provide you with a safe space to be held accountable so that you’re able to grow in areas where you wouldn’t have otherwise. If your “love relationship” isn’t maturing you…that’s another flag on the play.
5. Sex is the “icing” not the “cake.” A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “What If The Sex Is Great? But The Relationship Sucks.” And yeah, this point? Listen, oxytocin — the natural hormone that bonds you to the people you are physically intimate with — can have you out here thinking that just because a man makes your body feel good that he’s good for your mind and spirit too (check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?”). In other words, sex can be deceptive, which is why I don’t like the term “make love” (check out “I Absolutely Hate The Phrase 'Make Love.' Here's Why.”). Truly, it can’t be said enough: sex does not MAKE love; sex CELEBRATES a love that is already in place. People who are truly in love know this.
Okay, so this is already quite a bit to think about, right? It’s also essential and relevant because, before you can come to the conclusion that love is not enough to keep your relationship going, you need to make sure that love is what you’re actually experiencing. IS IT?
Now, let’s get into the main reasons why this article has the title that it does.
It’s Damn Near Impossible to Love Someone You Don’t Respect
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I’m pretty sure that, at one point or another, we’ve all heard the saying, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Y’all, that is absolutely how I feel about providing this kind of content for singles — and to me, “single” is individuals whose tax records say that they are. Because no matter how much you may care about someone, again, ask anyone who’s gone through a divorce, and I’m pretty sure they will tell you that breaking up (no matter how difficult it may be) will spare you a lot more heartbreak than ending a marriage will. And so, with that being said, one reason why love may not be enough to try and stay with someone you are seeing (in a dating or even engaged dynamic) is if you don’t respect them — or they don’t respect you.
Scripturally, when it comes to how wives are to treat their husbands, I always think it’s amazing that women are told, not to prioritize loving their husband but respecting him (Ephesians 5:33). If you go to I Peter 3:2 (AMPC), it defines respect in this fashion: “…to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].” (Did y’all see “prize” in there? I DID.)
Ask any man worth his salt, and he’s gonna tell you, I believe without hesitation, that the way he feels love is by feeling respected. So, when you take all of those words in I Peter into account, do you respect your man? And if you don’t, why don’t you? I promise you, with every ounce of my being, that if you don’t respect him, it’s only a matter of time before your relationship either ends or becomes highly dysfunctional because respect is paramount in a healthy, loving dynamic.
And yes, you deserve to be respected as well.
- When a man respects you, he is honest with you.
- When a man respects you, he values opinions.
- When a man respects you, he honors your boundaries.
- When a man respects you, he doesn’t “hit below the belt” in disagreements.
- When a man respects you, he is careful in how he treats you.
- When a man respects you, he prioritizes you.
- When a man respects you, no kind of abuse transpires (including neglect).
Hmph. When you marinate on all of this, one might say that you can’t be loved without being respected. While on some levels, that’s true — believe you me, I have dialogued with many couples over the years who love each other yet they don’t respect each other’s boundaries or they don’t fight fair. And that’s because one or both of them weren’t taught to prioritize respect.
I will say this, though: even if you do love your partner, if you don’t respect them and/or they don’t respect you, love is not going to be enough. Not to go the distance in a mutually beneficial kind of way, it’s not.
Next point.
LOVING Someone Doesn’t Mean That the Two of You Are COMPATIBLE
Yep, I’m gonna bring some Scripture back into this. Back in the Garden of Eden, when God decided to bless Adam with a helpmate, the Classic Amplified Version of Genesis 2:18 described her to be this: “Now the Lord God said, ‘It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.’” Suitable means “appropriate” and “fitting.” Adapted means being able “to adjust oneself to different conditions, environment, etc.” Complementary means “the quantity or amount that completes anything.” Complete, in this context, speaks to “having all parts or elements; lacking nothing.”
Y’all, there are a couple of men who I loved, but it didn’t work out. I was mad at first — and yet, in hindsight, it was never meant to be. Why? Because I was not the right kind of helper for them, and they were not the right kind of protector and provider for me. There were things about us that didn’t “fit.” There were areas where we weren’t willing to be flexible in order to make the relationship work. When it came to our values, perspectives, and goals, significant things were lacking.
And that’s why I tell couples who come to me prior to marriage that they need to take COMPATIBILITY into serious account before saying “I do.” Compatible literally means “capable of existing or living together in harmony” — and I can’t tell you how many married folks have either been at their entire wit’s end or have ultimately called it quits due to this being such an issue.
It can be what seems like something “minor” at first too. For instance, don’t underestimate if you’re the kind of person who likes a spotless home and your partner’s house isn’t the cleanest. Don’t think it’s not a big deal if you’re an extrovert who likes to go out a lot and your partner seems like he barely even likes people (I know a married couple who have suffered, greatly, over the years because of this). Don’t go into denial if you’re a spontaneous person and your partner is very much “married” to routine.
Some of my male friends? We are very close, and I adore them; they adore me, too. We ain’t ugly either. Yet we are close enough to know and accept that the way we do life as individuals, there is no way we would be harmonious as a couple. Yep, sometimes love isn’t enough because the two of you simply aren’t compatible (or compatible enough) to go the distance.
Being with Someone You Love Isn’t the Ultimate Goal. Being in a Healthy Relationship Is.
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As I wrap this up, one more point. A hill that I will forever and a day die on is far too many people put being happy over being healthy. Hmph, I’ll even take that a step further and say that far too many folks think that it’s someone else’s responsibility to make them happy when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Besides, if you don’t even know how to keep yourself happy all of the time, how the hell is someone else supposed to pull it off? Ridiculous. And you know what? When two people are able to see things from this perspective, when they are able to fully grasp that 1) happiness is about inner work, 2) happiness comes and goes, and 3) being healthy is what should matter more — then they can find another person who feels the same way. And that is a solid foundation to build on.
Definitely, two healthy people get that when it comes to being in a long-term relationship that is thriving and flourishing, having someone to love who loves you back is pretty awesome. However, what keeps the relationship together is ensuring that the dynamic is HEALTHY.
So, am I saying that you can love someone in a very pure and genuine way and the relationship be unhealthy? 1000 percent. I’m not speaking of extreme things like abuse, either. I mean…a word that oftentimes comes up whenever healthy is mentioned is “vigor.” Vigor speaks to strength, power, and ability. And if, by being involved with the person who you love, you are not getting stronger, becoming more powerful, and feeling more capable of becoming your best self as you are doing the same thing for him — there are elements about the relationship that is the opposite of healthy: unhealthy, and that means that love isn’t enough. In fact, you should love each other enough to let each other…go. So, that you both can be joined by those who will support and encourage you to become a more…vigorous individual.
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Whew, this was a lot. I know. It was also necessary. Because it’s time (past time, really) that we stop romanticizing love to the point that we lose sight of what its purpose is: the fuel needed to keep a healthy relationship going. And hopefully now, all of these words later (LOL), you are able to see that certain things have to be in place, outside of love, for things to not only work…but work well.
“Sometimes love just ain’t enough” is both a mouthful and the truth.
Choose wisely, sis. Love yourself enough to do that…please.
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