Are You Ready To Amp Up Your Oral Sex Game? Try This.
While doing my usual internet reading and researching, I happened upon two articles on the topic of oral sex; two that clearly aren't on the same page. One was entitled "Oral Sex Is Not The Measure Of A Partner". It opened up talking about when DJ Khaled stated that (sigh) he didn't go down and how, in spite of that being the shock (and disgust) that was heard around the world, no one should've cared but his wife. Not only that but oral sex should never be the be all or end all of a relationship. Eh. There's a lot to get into today so I won't expound too much. What I will say is I personally think that a lot of us rolled our eyes because he expected to receive what he was not willing to give; that it wasn't a mutual understanding. Sir Khaled shared a huge double standard and, in the process, he also came off pretty selfish and high schoolish about cunnilingus. Actually…younger than that because I used to mentor teens and chile, these teens out here…never mind.
Then I read another article that was more up my alley. "Why You Should Never Settle For A Relationship Without Oral Sex". Yeah, I'm totally with that. Not to say that I don't know some people who hate to give and/or receive oral sex. If that's you and your partner is cool with that, feel free to skip over this or forward it along to someone else. But if you're someone who is like, "Oral sex is a total non-negotiable in my relationship", so much in fact that, from where you sit, the more you can learn about it, the better, this is your lucky day.
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While I personally think that a willing and curious spirit is half of the battle when it comes to keeping your partner happy and satisfied in the oral sex arena, as with all things sexual, there are things that can be done to take things to another level. If you're ready to do that—or to teach your partner how—I've got some tips that will make you smile and would definitely make Khaled blush a few times over.
1. Do Some Reading on the Topic. From Black Women.
Black women are naturally sexy. That is a full and complete sentence. That's why, if you're a little apprehensive or self-conscious when it comes to discussing oral sex with your girls (because they tend to have some good tips), I recommend looking up some articles and podcasts from sistahs who are totally liberated when it comes to the topic.
Two that come to mind are the article "'HELLA BLOWS': AN ESSAY ABOUT SUCKING D*** – WE MUST STOP SHAMING BLACK WOMEN ABOUT ORAL SEX" (yep, it's printed in all caps) and the podcast "Listen: Eating that ass like groceries- Chatting about dining below the belt with Black Women Be Like and Guest" (love the African accents on this one). These are absolutely NSFW, but if you give them a shot, you might discover that it can be oddly comforting to hear Black women be so forthcoming. Also, it could possibly be what helps to pull you out of your shell or to try new things. Or, if you're already super-adventurous, it can give you something to think and/or laugh about. Because there's nothing like learning about or listening to sex from women who are a lot like you. Well, us.
2. Share Some Oral Fantasies
Personally, I think that one of the biggest misconceptions about oral sex is there is only one way to do it and everyone likes it just that way.
That said, if you're someone who is shy, disinterested or even bored when it comes to how your past oral sex encounters have been, spice things up by sharing some of your fantasies with your partner.
I'm not talking about barking orders five minutes before you attempt another round of head. I mean something along the lines of getting a journal that is completely devoted to nothing but oral sex—both ways—where you both can share your innermost thoughts, desires and curiosities. Just reading the entries alone can stir things up enough to make you want to make some of those dreams come true.
3. Invest in an Oral Sex Pillow
Sometimes oral sex feels more like a chore than anything else and it's all due to one thing—neck placement. No matter how awesome the act itself may be, it's hard to enjoy anything when it's causing some discomfort, am I right? A remedy for that is to pick up an oral sex pillow. Some that get rave reviews include the Liberator Wedge Intimate Sex Positioning Pillow, the Liberator Jaz Original Wedge Pillow and the Evercharm Half Moon Pillow Adult Toy.
4. Experiment with Various “Oral Sex Positions”
When it comes to sex positions, most of us think about them in the context of intercourse. But did you know that there are some that will take oral sex to new heights, depths and climaxes? This is one of those instances where I can show you better than I can tell you, so if you'd like to get a few ideas, click here to look at literally dozens of different oral-sex-specific poses.
5. DIY a Flavored Lubricant
Whether or not you decide to use a condom or a dental dam during oral sex (because you can get STDs from fellatio and cunnilingus; don't get it twisted), it can be fun to bring some lubricant into the mix. Just make sure that it has a flavor to it that you actually like. Because a lot of brands contain all kinds of chemicals, my suggestion would be to make some of your own.
A cool recipe that I found has coconut oil and margarita flavoring in it. Another thing that you can do is purchase some cinnamon essential oil (it's naturally sweet and packs a bit of heat). However, since both of these are oil-based and oil and latex don't mix, substituting the oil with 100 percent Aloe Vera is an alternative worth considering.
6. Chew Some Mint Gum. First.
As far as fellatio goes, for all parties involved, the more saliva (or lubrication) that's involved, the better. One way to get your juices flowing is to chew a piece of gum. The reason why I recommend one that comes in a mint flavor is it can "dull" the taste of pre-ejaculate (if that freaks you out). Plus, a minty sensation can be a pleasant cooling sensation experience for your partner.
7. Find an Atypical Location
Location, location, location. That's what they say, right? Well, another way to take oral sex to another level is by getting out of the bedroom. Oh, and totally incorporating the element of surprise. Get into the shower while your partner is washing up and getting ready for work. One or both of you kneel on the side of the couch in between favorite television programs. If you've got a garage, park your car into it and get on the hood of your vehicle. If you've got some sushi, hop on your kitchen counter to partake in a little bit of Nyotaimori (I'll let you look that one up). Get on your dryer while it's running. Find an abandoned building (at night) and go ham.
When it comes to making oral sex an unforgettable experience, creating the right ambiance will earn you some major, major points. Each and every time you intentionally decide to go beyond the borders of your bedroom.
8. Bring Some Condiments In
An ex of mine used to say that if you need to add a condiment to your meal, someone didn't cook it right. Along these same lines, while I do believe that an oral sex connoisseur shouldn't have to depend on things like honey, chocolate or maple syrup, whipped cream or ice cream in order to keep their partner climbing the walls, if you want to switch things up, bringing these into the mix certainly can't hurt.
Just make sure to use them on the genitalia and not in you as much as possible. The reason why I say that is because while the odds are low, there have been instances of women developing maggots in their vagina. Even if something that extreme doesn't happen, placing food into your vaginal canal can definitely throw off your va-jay-jay's pH balance and lead to a vaginal infection. Just something to keep in mind.
9. Keep Your Lingerie on Longer
Not too long ago, I interviewed some married couples about what they enjoy most about their sex life. Some of them raved for several minutes (good for them!), so I had to edit their responses. On the topic of oral sex, something that a husband and wife told me is there is something about a woman keeping her panties on while she's, how did Kelly Rowland put it…getting "kisses down low", that makes cunnilingus really hot. The husband's exact words were, "The tease is as fun as the actual act. If there is a foreplay to oral sex, it's leaving a pair of sexy panties on longer."
Hey, they are a decade in, so I'll totally take his word for it.
10. Talk. Listen. Rinse. Repeat.
A few months ago, Elite Daily published a piece on why dirty talk is a fave among so many people (me included). One of the things that the article mentioned is it's a proven way to destress. But even if it's not something that you and/or yours are particularly big on, never assume that either of you can read one another's mind, even in the bedroom (or wherever y'all choose to get down).
Sex, when done right, is one of the best forms of communication that there is. So, if there's something that you want more or less of, tell your partner that. Encourage him to do the same. A lot of the people I know who could take or leave oral sex have also shared that they don't want to tell their partner why. How are they supposed to please you if you don't tell them how? (That's not a rhetorical question, by the way.)
11. Stop Treating Oral Like Mere Foreplay
Personally, I think that one of the BIGGEST—yep, I'm that serious about it—mistakes that couples make is treating oral sex like its foreplay (an appetizer) rather than "real sex" (a full meal). Now when I say that, I'm not saying that you shouldn't expect more if you want more. What I am saying is that when things are done well and right, it can definitely scratch the right itch, if you know what I mean.
That said, rather than hurrying through it so that you can get on to the next part, take clocks out of the room, put on your favorite slow jams and make it a point and purpose to just be in the moment. However long that moment lasts. Whether intercourse follows…or…not.
12. Buy an Ora 2
If you want a little bit of an extra sensation, something that a lot of women are super fond of is the Ora 2 oral sex stimulator. It fits comfortably in your hand, changes intensity based on the pressure that's applied, and it's specifically designed with your clitoris in mind.
13. Don’t Get Lazy. Don’t Be Redundant Either.
Lazy head. My male friends have talked to me about it, on more than one occasion. From what they've described, it's about as bad as teeth getting in the way (which is pretty bad). Without getting too graphic, they say it's lazy when a woman thinks she's "doing something" just because a man's penis is in her mouth. Predictable head. That is what some women have told me is their oral sex pet peeve. The same kind, the same way, every time.
We're all grown here, so no one should feel as if they should get major points just for agreeing to fellatio or cunnilingus in the first place. If your intention is not to bring your "A" game (that includes enthusiasm and creativity), every time, really…why do it?
14. Put Your Entire Body into It
15. Praise the Performance
Mark Twain once said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment." Yep. I can't remember exactly where I read it, but I did peep a piece that said that praise is important because, not only does it boost our self-esteem, it also motivates us and gives us more energy to complete whatever tasks we're involved in.
Not to say that oral sex is a chore or anything (far from it), but just imagine how much more you can get out of your partner if you tell him how bomb the experience was rather than simply yawning, rolling over and falling asleep?
BONUS: Select the Right Condom
If you'd prefer to use a condom, one way to not make the experience to where the rubber is the focal point is to get the kind that will enhance everything. I really dig that Men's Health did an entire feature entitled "These Are the Best Condoms and Lubes to Use for Oral Sex, According to a Sex Educator", so if you need some condom referrals, I recommend starting there.
Life is short. Oral sex is good. Get some and then make it better—every time. Hopefully these tips will help you and yours to do just that.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Who Knew Oral Sex Has An Official Time Limit?
Jill Scott Is Proof That Oral Sex Can Be Empowering
6 Oral Sex Positions That'll Elevate You Even When You're On Your Knees
Feature image by Shutterstock
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl 100: Get To Know Some Of The Most Inspiring And Empowering Women On Our List
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
We often see lists featuring amazing women who are seasoned in this thing called life, and our ItGirl 100 List gives flowers to the people they’ve passed the torch to: young millennial and Gen Z women who are innovating and disrupting in today’s world of advancement.
xoNecole has partnered with Hyundai for its inaugural ItGirl 100 List to give these women their flowers today. It’s a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who have built their own tables, launched new businesses, and redefined what it truly means to be blessed, booked, and busy.
Here’s a snapshot of fun facts from a few of the women listed on the ItGirl 100, representing the East, West, Midwest, and South:
EAST
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DJ 9AM: DJ & Curator
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "On My Mama" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Nia Long
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising
Favoring open-format, multi-genre mixes, this DJ has created a winning reputation for rocking a crowd with seamless transitions and selections, always representing Southwest musical and cultural influences.
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Tiffany James, Founder, Modern BLK Girl
Representing:Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Lucky Girl" by Carlina
Favorite OG It Girl:Naomi Campbell
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Virgo Rising
Modern BLK Girl is one of the leading investment groups among women of color, and the founder serves as an avid investor, community builder, and advocate. Tiffany James is also a mentor, utilizing her unique combination of financial and fashion expertise.
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Kat Mateo, Casting Director
Representing: New Jersey
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Princess Going Digital" by Amaarae
Favorite OG It Girl: Kelis, Eve, Lil Kim
Zodiac Big Three: Aries Sun, Cancer Moon, Cancer Rising
Thriving as a casting director and stylist, Kat Mateo offers a unique point of view that has shaped New York Fashion Week shows, ad campaigns, and editorials. She has also been a major contributor to cultural conversations related to fashion and inclusivity.
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Denise Stephanie Hewitt, Photographer
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Experience" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Hannah Montana
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon, Aquarius Rising
This Gordon Parks Foundation scholar is a full-time student who has been working to expand her freelance career in photography. Denise is also been featured among Essence'sinaugural list of "Top 10 Creators Under 30," for her unique aesthetics and perceptions through her art.
WEST
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Nayamka Roberts-Smith, Aesthetician
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Tomorrow 2" by GloRilla & Cardi B
Favorite OG It Girl: Meagan Good
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Capricorn Rising
Nayamka Roberts-Smith is an award-winning professional in the skincare industry and serves as an educator, offering knowledge on beauty culture. She also is a well-sought-after speaker on beauty and women’s issues, with a following of more than 1 million on social.
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Desiree L. Talley, Esq., Vice President, Legal & Business Affairs, Revolt TV
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice" by The Carters
Favorite OG It Girl: Issa Rae
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon, Cancer Rising
An attorney and storyteller, Desiree L. Talley meshes relatability with her legal smarts for the culture. She advocates for cultural advancement and societal change through her POPLAW Podcast while balancing her executive duties at Revolt TV.
Marley Rae
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Marley Rae, Organizer, WalkGood
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice For What" by Drake
Favorite OG It Girl: Mariah Carey
Zodiac Big Three: Capricorn Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising
Marley Rae is a Nike Athlete, certified yoga instructor, COO, and Director of Health and Wellness for WalkGood LA, a family-founded non-profit organization. She is dedicated to fostering understanding and care in local and global communities.
MIDWEST
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Shawnee Dez
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "FreeBody Freestyle" by Shawnee Dez
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Morrison
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Aquarius Moon, Cancer Rising
Shawnee Dez is an artist who's all about captivating her audience through encouragement and empowerment. Her music features fluid harmonic layering, live instrumentation fused with digital production, and her unique multi-talented voice in an alto melodic tone.
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Bianca Pastel, Visual Artist
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: Anything by Whitney Houston
Favorite OG It Girl: Grace Jones
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Bianca Pastel's artistic portfolio includes fine art, illustrations, and animation, and she's worked with clients including Disney Pixar, and the NFL, to name a few. Her focus is "empowering the experience of being a Black child and dealing with mental health issues."
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Donyale Walton, Founder, Hoop Mobb
Representing: Detroit
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Yeah I Said It" by Rihanna
Favorite OG It Girl: Aaliyah
Zodiac Big Three: Virgo Sun, Libra Moon, Capricorn Rising
Donyale Walton's brand Hoop Mobb, celebrates the Black and Brown fashion and cultural impact and presence of hoop earrings. It's grown to earn more than seven figures in annual revenue and a nationwide community of loyal consumers.
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Ticara Devone, Content Creator
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "She's a Bitch" by Missy Elliott
Favorite OG It Girl: Ananda Lewis
The Zodiac Big Three: Libra Sun, Taurus Moon, Virgo Rising
A trusted sneaker enthusiast and content creator, Ticara Devone uses dynamic storytelling to hold space for others with a passion for sneakers. A published writer, she’s worked with brands including Nike and Footlocker and inspires us all by ensuring women are vocal and seen in the multi-billion dollar shoe space.
SOUTH
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AllyiahsFace, Content Creator
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Go Off" Doja Cat
Favorite OG It Girl: Gabrielle Union and Halle Berry
Zodiac Big Three: Gemini Sun, Leo Moon, Scorpio Rising
AllyiahsFace's YouTube channel has more than 830,000 subscribers, and she's been hitting the ground running since 2015. Her content creation, which centers on beauty, fashion, and lifestyle, has led to a lucrative career and drawn a close-knit social and real-life community to view and be inspired.
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Jaycina, Executive Director, Tender
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "All I Got" by Amel Larrieux
Favorite OG It Girl:Tracee Ellis Ross
Zodiac Big Three: Leo Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Jaycina is a signed model with a nonprofit that works to provide support and community for single mothers in Atlanta. She's also appeared in campaigns for brands including Fenty and GAP as well as features in all your favorite magazines and on billboards across the country.
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Asha Christian, Founder, Coily App
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "It's My Life" by Mariah Carey
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Childs (Girlfriends)
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Leo Rising
Asha Christian created Coily to provide beauty recommendations utilizing social data. It offers a more personalized, AI-driven experience for users and part of her mission is to provide solutions related to diversity and put the focus back on the consumer. Meshing tech and culture, Christian is innovating with options that exemplify the Black girl magic needed in tech.
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