The Pros & Cons Of Keeping Your Relationship Private
Oprah and Stedman. Beyonce' and Jay Z. Taraji P. Henson and Kelvin Hayden. Kerry Washington and Nnamdi Asomugha. Rihanna and Hassan Jameel. The late Nipsey Hussle and Lauren London. Off top, they are some of the celebrity couples who choose to keep their relationship intensely private.
I don't blame 'em either because in the day and age of social media, smartphones with cameras and folks who seem to feel entitled to everyone's business, if you truly want your relationship to go the distance—and to remain healthy and strong while doing so—keeping certain things quiet, under the radar or even confidential, can be one of the smartest things that you could ever do.
Still, there is a bit of a fine line between being private about your love life and keeping it a secret.
A secret typically implies sneaking around, being cryptic and/or taking a bit of the cloak-and-dagger approach to what the two of you have going on. If your relationship falls more into the Column B category, there are some pros and cons that come with taking that sort of approach. If you've never considered that secret relationships can be both good as well as bad, take a moment to check out why it's always a good idea to consider both sides of the coin.
PRO: It Gives You the Chance to Solidify Your Relationship
We all know what they say about opinions (everyone has one and they are just like a—holes; sometimes literally). Well, if there's ever a time when there seems to be absolutely no shortage of them, it's when folks catch on to a new relationship that exists. If you put it on social media, that gives the opportunity for exes, trolls and pure haters to put their two cents in. Even if it's not online, you've got friends and family members, on both sides, who typically choose to weigh in with their thoughts and perspectives (whether you like it or not).
That's why I definitely think that a benefit that comes with keeping your relationship on the low is you don't have to listen to incessant chatter from other individuals. You can take the time that you need to pay attention to what the two of you think, want and feel—and build from there.
Not to say that outside influences shouldn't be factored in to a certain degree (sometimes others can see what you can't or refuse to look at). But since your relationship is a secret, you can control who, how and when you let others in. That is a good thing.
CON: It Can Put Unforeseen Pressure on It as Well
Stephanie Mills once sang about not being able to go on being someone's secret lady. In another tune, Luther Vandross once asked why he couldn't tell anyone about his relationship. Xscape ("My Little Secret") and TLC ("Creep") also sang about messing around on the low. Something that all of these jams have in common is the importance of assessing motive. If you're in a secret relationship, is it really as innocent as wanting to give your situation time to grow and develop? Or is it something a bit shadier like one or both of you are married or in a long-term relationship?
Or, could it be that you are actually fine with things being out in the open, but he isn't? If this is the case, even if he isn't seeing anyone else—hiding around, not going out much or never meeting his world can start to take a toll on your self-esteem. It can have you feeling like, if he is as into you as he claims, why doesn't he want to show you off? Why isn't he forthcoming about what he has with you?
Yep. That is one of the challenges that comes with agreeing to not telling anyone about your relationship. It can start to eat away at you and put tension and strain on what y'all have going on. Sooner or later, something will have to give.
PRO: No One Will Know About Your “Downs”
Despite what Instagram and the hashtag #relationshipgoals may show you, every relationship has its fair share of trials and tribulations. The thing about social media is you are able to control who knows and sees what—and how much.
Over here, nothing irks me more than passive aggressive shots that some couples take on their social media accounts, whenever they are going through it (because they do have each other's phone numbers, right?). And so, if there is a real plus that comes with no one knowing about your relationship, it's that they will not be aware of your problems or issues. The two of you can quietly and privately resolve them together without anyone criticizing or butting in.
Although it is critical that I say this is only a perk if, what you are going through is normal day-to-day stuff, and not abuse. If you are being mistreated, in any way, your relationship is not a secret. Sistah-friend, you are being isolated. It's time to let someone know exactly what is going on. Soon, please.
CON: On the Other Hand, They Won’t Know About Your “Ups” Either
How do you feel when a friend of yours announces her engagement on Facebook? What about when you're invited to a surprise birthday party that another friend's man is throwing for her? How about when a couple that you know posts an anniversary pic on their IG? Whenever I experience these types of things, it's a reminder that good times are meant to be acknowledged and celebrated. Yet, you rob those who care about you of the opportunity to share in your joy if no one knows that your relationship even exists.
If you are naturally private or introverted, this point might not matter to you—at least, not immediately. But there will come a time when, as your girls are braggin' about how good the love they have is, because all you can do is nod and grin, you'll start to feel a little resentful that you can't say the same.
PRO: Secrets Can Be Seductive
Meeting up in undisclosed locations, being intimate with someone no one else knows about, sharing something with another person that is only between the two of you—there's something very seductive about all of that.
It's attractive. It's enticing. It's erotic. I get it. More than I get it, I've been there.
On this side of seductive, there is also something that's very "grown woman" about knowing that you don't need others to be aware of your relationship in order to enjoy it; that it's not about wanting to go public, just so you can feel some sort of validation of your worth (due to being with someone). And, there is also something sexy about not feeling like you have to share every detail of what is happening, whether it's inside or outside of the bedroom; that so long as you and "yours" are pleased, that's all the affirming or approval that you truly need.
CON: Again, Secrets Can Be Seductive
As a marriage life coach, I've certainly seen my fair share of affairs. Three common reasons that come up is a lack of consistent sex in their relationship with their spouse, someone feeling as if their partner takes them for granted and/or sheer boredom. If you've never cheated, all of these reasons might lean on the side of semi-ridiculous to you, but let me put it to you this way—the Lifetime channel would probably not exist if people weren't pulled into the lust, intensity and even drama of a lot of their movies. Same thing goes for illicit relationships; they tap into all of these feelings as well.
But if there's one more "con" to consider if you are currently keeping your relationship a secret, it's the fact that it can make it that much easier for him or you to keep another relationship a secret as well. Just think about it—you've already mastered how to limit information, sneak around and put on a poker face. Sometimes the seductiveness of secrets can make it tempting to start something up with someone else. And hey, who would know since you already know how to keep things on the low?
This point right here takes us all the way back to motive. If your relationship is a secret because you are protecting its value, that's one thing. But if it's a secret because you're doing some stuff that you know you ain't got no business doing, well, all I can say is if you sow a secret relationship, you'll probably eventually reap one. Only this time, it'll be the kind you didn't want—your man being in a secret relationship with somebody else.
Secrets aren't bad if your reasons are good. And by "good", I mean right and healthy. Choose wisely, y'all.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Is Your Relationship Complicated? Simplify It With These Questions.
The Problem With Allowing Relationships To Validate You
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8 Things You Should Do Daily To Keep Your Relationship Strong
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Meet The Designer Behind This Megan Thee Stallion "Hiss" Video Look
When Megan Thee Stallion dropped “Hiss,” a shift happened. From the audacious lyrics to the striking visuals, there was no doubt that the song and video would go viral. The opening of the video shows the H-town hottie rocking a barely there Shibari red dress, showing off her voluptuous frame. It was a sexy moment created by Timeekah Murphy of Alani Taylor. The designer exclusively tells us how the opportunity came about and what it was like seeing her design on Megan for the first time.
Timeekah Murphy
Photo courtesy
xoNecole: How did the opportunity to create such an iconic look for Megan Thee Stallion's "Hiss" video come about?
Timeekah Murphy: The opportunity came from a DM from celebrity stylist Zerina Akers. She asked for a unique Shibari piece for Megan, and I needed to get it done in two days. So, of course, I did everything in my power to make it happen. I've always wanted to design for Megan, so this was an awesome opportunity for me.
xoN: What was that initial feeling of seeing the dress on her for the first time?
TM: I was shocked because, at first, I thought it hadn't been used. I saw Megan's last video and thought, damn, maybe it didn't fit. So, to see it on such an amazing video was breathtaking. I was beyond excited to finally say I designed for her.
xoN: Did you meet her? If so, how was that moment?
TM: I didn't meet Megan during the shoot, but during my time in LA, I got the opportunity to meet her at LA Pride with Tiffany Haddish, Common, and EJ King (stylist). Megan is such an amazing person, so it made it even better to know that my designs were going to be worn by her. I was shocked because, at first, I thought it hadn't been used. I saw Megan's last video and thought, damn, maybe it didn't fit. So, to see it on such an amazing video was breathtaking. I was beyond excited to finally say I designed for her.
"I was shocked because, at first, I thought it hadn't been used. I saw Megan's last video and thought, damn, maybe it didn't fit. So, to see it on such an amazing video was breathtaking. I was beyond excited to finally say I designed for her."
Photo courtesy
xoN: Walk us through the creation of the dress. How did you come up with the look, and how long did it take to make it?
TM: I was the co-designer for a brand called Deviant in 2018-2020, and we used to make custom Shibari pieces. That's how Zerina knew me. So I'm very familiar with making these types of pieces. We made plenty for Beyoncé, Cardi B, Tiffany Haddish, Tyra Banks, and so many others. So Zerina knew exactly what she wanted.
To get it done, it took me a day and a half. It's very intricate and time-consuming, so I spent about six hours making it then I sent an image of it to Zerina, and she didn't approve the first one, so I had to start from scratch again after getting my guidance and understanding of what was needed. The next day, I went to The Lab and created another version, and she approved it. I had to get it shipped overnight so that she would get it in time and fast forward to seeing it on the big screen.
xoN: What's next for you?
TM: Everything. The sky is not my limit, so the Alani Taylor brand is expanding into so many different avenues. We are getting involved in the community more, offering sewing classes to the youth. I've opened up a store for my brand in Atlanta and now preparing for fall/winter Fashion Week.
Megan Thee Stallion "Hiss" video/ YouTube
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Blind Pimples Are The Absolute Worst. Here's A Cheat Code For Them.
Pretty much any headline that I give for these articles, I am intentional about. Okay, but this one right here? When I say that blind pimples really and truly are the absolute worst? UGH. They are painful. They are irritating. And sometimes, it seems like it takes them for-e-ver to go away. That’s because they’re the kind of pimples that form so beneath the surface of your skin that they may never reach the top and turn into a head. That’s why you have to come up with approaches that are a bit more strategic in order to help them go away.
As far as taking preventative measures go, make sure to exfoliate your skin (to keep your pores and hair follicles from clogging up), wash your face each and every time you wear make-up, and keep your stress levels down (stress can kick up the production of sebum and that can lead to all sorts of breakouts).
Okay, but what do you do if you’ve already got a blind pimple that’s present and accounted for, and it’s about to drive you absolutely nuts? If that’s what you’ve got going on right now, I’ve been there. More than once (SDMH). Here are 12 things that I know, for a fact, can bring you some much-needed relief to your visible and internal blind pimple.
1. Tea Tree Oil Is a Beast
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When it comes to tea tree oil specifically, there are two reasons why I will gladly stand on any street and sing its praises. 1) it’s how good it is at removing dandruff (just pour a few drops into your shampoo, chile), and 2) it’s how quickly it can remove a pimple, including a blind pimple. When it comes to my latter shout-out, I get why, too. Due to tea tree oil’s extremely potent antiseptic and anti-inflammatory properties, if you’re looking for something all-natural that will cleanse out your pores and remove acne-causing bacteria without drying out your skin at almost a record rate, tea tree oil is going to make that happen.
And since it can also help to heal wounds, get rid of nail fungus, and fight tooth decay — I don’t see why everyone doesn’t have at least one bottle of 100 percent pure tea tree oil somewhere in their house.
2. Raw Honey Is Your Friend
The fact that (when stored right) honey doesn’t expire is enough of a reason to give it all of the props in the world. Oh, but if you add to that the fact that it contains anti-inflammatory, antioxidant, and antibacterial properties that strengthen gut health, boost immunity, soothe a sore throat, reduce coughing, improve your quality of sleep, and even hydrate your skin and hair — yes, raw honey is something else that is an absolute must-have, across the board.
The reason why it makes the “blind pimple list” is because it’s something else that can swiftly and effectively kill the bacteria that causes blind pimples to form in the first place. So, if you’ve got one popping up, spot-treat it with a bit of honey. If you apply it before turning in at night, you could notice a difference in how your blind pimple feels by morning.
3. Apply Some Ice
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There’s a very simple reason why applying ice can be a wise move if you’re trying to reduce the discomfort that comes from having a blind pimple. Since coldness can constrict your blood vessels, if you were to apply ice to your underneath-the-surface zit, it can reduce the swelling, which can help it to appear less visible (if you can see the blind pimple but it hasn’t yet come to a head) and feel a lot less painful as well.
4. Then Apply a Warm Compress
Speaking of temperature therapy, something else that you might want to try is applying a warm compress directly onto your blind pimple. The thought process here is that while coldness can reduce inflammation, warmth can help to drain the pus in the pore — and that could either cause the pimple to go away or rise to the surface at a quicker pace (especially if you apply one temperature after the other).
5. Try Some Salicylic Acid
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Ever since I’ve been doing chemical peels at home (check out “I've Been Doing At-Home Chemical Peels. Here Are The Pros And Cons.”), my skin has improved greatly when it comes to its texture and the amount of period pimples that I receive (which is next to nothing at this point). I’d venture to say that a part of the reason is because some of my products contain salicylic acid, which is an ingredient that helps to exfoliate your skin by sloughing off dead skin cells. The reason why this can work well for blind pimples is, that the clearer the clogged pore of that kind of pimple is, the easier it will be for the zit to come to a head and drain itself.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if pimple patches containing salicylic acid are the ultimate blind pimple hack, I’ll be honest with you: products need to make money, so many will try to sell you on that. However, my personal experience has been that pimple patches are best at draining fluid from pimples that are actually at the surface; they do little, if anything, for blind pimples overall. #sorry
6. Don’t Forget About Benzoyl Peroxide
Out of all of the hacks listed in this article, the one that you may be the most familiar with is benzoyl peroxide. That’s because, when it comes to popular skincare brands that claim to get rid of pimples, in general, this is an ingredient that is in many of them. And with good reason. Benzoyl peroxide is a powerful antiseptic that cleanses bacteria from pimples, including blind pimples. Just make sure that if this is what you decide to use, you take the “less is more” approach. It’s not uncommon for people to overdo it when it comes to applying this product, and that can lead to redness, skin peeling, itchiness, and your skin becoming worse instead of better. Indeed, with benzoyl peroxide, a little bit goes a really long way.
7. Use a Blend of Grapeseed Oil and Jojoba Oil
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Although, on the surface, it might sound odd that putting oil on a pimple can help it to go away, there is a reason why that is absolutely the case. See, the focus isn’t so much the oil but the ingredients that are in it. For instance, coconut oil is high in lauric acid, and, not only does that help to kill the bacteria that cause acne, but it can also reduce any scarring that may be left behind once the acne lesions start to heal. Two other oils that are awesome as a combo are grapeseed and jojoba oil. Grapeseed is dope because it contains vitamin E (which is loaded with antioxidants) along with strong antimicrobial properties that can help to heal pimples (including blind pimples), while jojoba is awesome because it contains anti-inflammatory and antimicrobial agents that can reduce the appearance of blind pimples — especially if you apply a mixture of them directly onto your blind pimples every night.
8. Invest in a LED Device
If blind pimples and acne overall are something that you deal with on a fairly consistent basis, you might want to look into investing in an at-home red light therapy device. These are beneficial because light therapy helps not only kill bacteria but stimulate collagen production, too. These types of devices are gaining traction for removing the swelling of blind pimples quickly and effectively, so it couldn’t hurt to invest in one to see how it works for you personally.
9. Up the Omega-3 Foods
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If you want to boost your brain health, strengthen your heart, reduce your chances of getting breast cancer, improve your vision, and even help to prevent and/or bring relief to certain autoimmune diseases, get more omega-3 fatty acids into your system. Since these acids are pretty good at also reducing inflammation, that’s why they can be helpful at speeding up the healing process of a blind pimple. Foods that can help you out in this department include walnuts, tuna, eggs, fortified orange juice, and flaxseed oil.
10. Reduce Your Dairy Intake
I still think it’s wild that humans are pretty much the only mammals who consume another mammal’s baby milk — and for me, that has become enough of a reason to be cool with staying in my oat milk alternative lane (for the most part); not to mention the fact that it’s made me feel better overall (you can read more about health risks that are associated with consuming dairy here, here and here).
And when it comes to your pimples and mine, even the American Academy of Dermatology Association had to go on record as saying that cow’s milk has been linked to breakouts, while other studies state that dairy overall can aggravate acne in people ages 30 and under due to the hormones that are typically in dairy products like milk and cheese.
So, if blind pimples seem to pop up out of nowhere whenever you and pizza or ice cream are bonding together — while I hate to rain on your parade, that’s probably not some random coincidence. #sorryagain
11. Drink Some Spearmint Tea
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Articles I’ve written for the platform like “10 Teas That Are Great For The Fall Season — As Far As Hair Growth Is Concerned,” “10 'Uncommon' Teas You Should Add To Your Stash (& Why)” and “So, Here Are Some Teas That Will Make Your Sex Life So Much Better” prove that I’m a big time tea fan. In fact, when I finish penning this article, I’m gonna treat myself to some black tea and honey…and I can’t wait. Before closing this out, though, if you also like tea, make sure that you’ve got some spearmint in your tea collection.
Not only is it great when it comes to fighting bacterial infections and reducing stress, but it might also trip you out to know that it can help to balance out your hormones and — get this — even move unwanted facial hair. And why is it great for treating blind pimples? Well, the properties in it help to kill bacteria-causing acne and reduce the inflammation of zits. Yeah, definitely one of the best teas you can have in your possession is spearmint, for sure.
12. Leave the "White Stuff" Alone
Even though white foods like pasta, rice, and bread may taste really good, the reality is they don’t have many nutrients in them. Plus, they are simple carbohydrates that turn into sugar — and sugar is definitely a culprit for pimples. The main reason is because sugar can cause inflammation, and inflammation can increase sebum production. So, if you must do the white stuff, consume it in moderation. Your health will thank you. Your complexion, including when it comes to treating and preventing blind pimples, will too!
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