The Classy Way To End A Relationship
I don't know about you, but when I stop to think about the guys that I was actually in a relationship with—meaning, we weren't just sex buddies and the fact that we were exclusively together was a mutual decision—when it comes to the ones who make me purse my lips and roll my eyes, it's not really due to the relationship itself. It's mostly because the break-up was insensitive, a complete blindside or handled very immaturely. It was like no honor or respect was given, and that's what made it hard to heal and at least be at peace with those jokers…I mean, men.
I can't do anything about how badly those break-ups went. The best I can do about the past is forward this along to my exes in hopes that they'll "learn better, do better" (and yeah, that's probably not gonna happen). But what I can do in the present, in honor of all of those who have a break-up coming (hey, it happens), is offer up a few suggestions on what you can do to make the ending of your journey with someone as kind, respectful and maybe-just-maybe-we-can-be-friends-or-at-least-friendly-someday as possible.
Think About If You Want a Friendship or Not
Granted, if you're about to break up with someone because they treat you like dirt or refuse to meet your needs, there's probably not much of a friendship to salvage (shoot, there may not have been much of a friendship there to begin with). But if you think it's time to go separate ways on the romantic tip simply because the timing isn't right, you both want different things or you don't see much of a future, you may want to end things on a super amicable tip.
If this is the case, come at them in a way that would make them not want to block you on social media or ignore your calls. Try and avoid the whole "It's not you, it's me" or "I still want to be friends" line, even if that's the truth because it's too cliché to be taken seriously. But do come at them open, kindly and real. Let them know that you value them and, even if they need time to think it over, you still want them in your life; you just don't want to stand in their way of getting what they really want in a relationship.
I can speak from personal experience that when my relationships ended with dignity, friendship—even if it was "friendly-ship"—was able to manifest. Eventually.
Avoid Ghosting
GiphyIt's my personal opinion that ghosting is cowardly. Oh, it's mad disrespectful too. Maybe I feel that way because a childhood best friend did it to me. Maybe because I'm a communicator (some might even say an over-communicator). Whatever the case is, I don't like it.
If you were man enough to talk yourself into the relationship, please be man enough to verbalize your way out.
Besides, unless someone is low-key loco, I can't think of one good reason to think that going radio silent is a wise or compassionate thing to do to anyone you once cared about. Unless you didn't, which would be another article for another time.
Give Them a Bit of a Heads Up
The only thing I hate more than ghosting is blindsiding. That said, it's so not a good look to call someone you're dating and be like, "Hey! How about we meet up for dinner?" sounding all happy 'n stuff, only to drop the bomb on them once they arrive. A heads up of what's to come is uncomfortable but it's the right thing to do. Something along the lines of, "Do you have some time this weekend? I really need to talk about our relationship" is good. If they follow it up with "What's wrong?", be honest but not super-detailed. "I've been doing some thinking about where this is going, but I think it's better to discuss it all in person." If they've got an IQ in the triple digits, they're gonna get the gist. They might even push to do it over the phone but don't agree to that. This brings me to the next point.
Do It in Person
There's a guy I know who is in his 40s and completely notorious for breaking things off with women in text. It doesn't matter if she was his girlfriend for two years or a jump-off for five (he's quite the "recycler" too), according to him, when he's done, he's done and the courtesy (?!) of a text should be enough. When I gave him push back on that, he said, "Shellie, my showing up at their house to look them in the eye isn't gonna change things. I'll just stand on their porch, read the text verbatim and leave." Ugh. Sounds to me like 1) he doesn't want to deal with the fallout of break-ups (which is why he's texting in the first place) and 2) at the very least, he is super-emotionally immature and/or narcissistic.
OK. So that look that you're giving your monitor as you read about ole' boy. Uh-huh, keep that same energy if you're even close to considering breaking up with someone in text, via email or over the phone. Yes, it's insensitive. Yes, it's rude. And yes, you are no better than the guy I just told you about if you up and decide to do it. Unless they were abusive to you, they deserve your presence. Give it to them.
Be Honest. And Empathetic.
You aren't doing anyone any favors by sugarcoating, or worse, withholding reasons for why you want to end your relationship. Remember, if we're all doing this relationship thing right, each one teaches us lessons that can make us better for the next one that we decide to get into. If you're unhappy, tell him why. If the intimacy (any kind of intimacy) was unfulfilling, put that on record. If you don't see a future, share that too. Is it mean? That doesn't depend on what you're saying but how you say it. That brings me to the next part of this point.
I don't think that a lot of us have a hard time hearing someone's truth. It's their delivery that can put us on the defensive. I still think that honesty is important, just so everyone is crystal clear, moving forward. At the same time, it's a sign of emotional maturity and intelligence to take a moment to process in your head what you are about to say and think about how you would feel if it was delivered in a harsh, flippant or totally insensitive manner. Empathy is a close friend of honesty. Make sure that they both show up in your break-up conversation.
Encourage Them to Fully Express Themselves
It's not right or fair that you're able to get everything that you need to say off of your chest, but you won't allow your soon-to-be ex to do the same. Although you might be the one who's officially calling things off, don't be so delusional, presumptuous or (worse) arrogant as to think that everything on their end was blissful or that you didn't have a few missteps that they tolerated along the way as well.
Yes, when someone is getting broken up with, sometimes pettiness can come into play, simply because their feelings are/may be hurt. But so long as he is being respectful, be willing to hear him out. If you really want to grow as a person, take it a step further and ask him what his thoughts are. Just by offering this kind of platform for him to share, it can soften the blow and help things to end in a more loving way.
Back It Up with a Letter
GiphyAlthough this might seem a little odd, this is where I'm coming from. There's a pretty good chance that at least one of the reasons why you're ready to end your relationship is that you don't feel as connected as you once did or as you think you should be at this stage in the game. That usually happens because somewhere along the line, there was a breakdown in communication. As far as poor communication goes, if there's one time when all kinds of things can get misconstrued, it's when you're letting someone go.
I can't tell you how many times something that I said in the heat of the moment was either quoted back to me incorrectly or was totally taken out of context. That's why I'm known for backing up deep convos with a letter or follow-up email. That way, we both have a copy of what I said, it can be processed and, if needed, clarified later on—whether that's next week, next month or a couple of years from now.
Again, this is not a "mandate recommendation", but when I tell you that it can spare all kinds of potential future drama, I ain't neva lied.
Commit to a Clean Break—at Least for a Season
On the surface, it might seem odd to say that clean breaking with someone is classy but look at this from my perspective. When you know someone isn't right for you (even if that means they aren't right for you right now), it only complicates things—which is a nice way of saying it's super-duper messy—to keep talking on the phone, flirting online or (worst of all) having sex. There needs to be a season when the two of you are completely apart so that you both can process, heal and know what you truly want and need from each other (if anything) up the road.
So yeah, if you really want to be a grown-and-classy woman in your break-up, BREAK UP. Completely up. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say may hurt him for a while, but after the dust settles, you'll gain (or maintain) his respect. Which is a nice thing to have once a relationship finally comes to an end.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Everything You Want In Life Is On The Other Side Of A Venusian Upgrade
If you're an Astro girly to even the slightest degree, you probably know that Venus is the planet of love. But that's not all it is! Venus is also the planet of beauty, pleasure, and harmony. Now, what if I told you there's a way to harness that energy to live your best life, level up, and then some? The process is referred to as a "Venusian upgrade," a term coined by celebrity Astrologer Jade last summer.
And, while it will lead to sugar, spice, and all things nice – the main ingredient in this "upgrade" cocktail is hurt, pain, and upset (whatever it is that you call it when you get burnt). It's the equivalent of when that old flame dogs you out, makes a fool out of you, and you turn your tears into a healthy gym habit to flex on them.
However, according to Jade, the difference lies in the motivation – though we all seek revenge, this outcome is not and won't be for the gaze of those who hurt you – instead of being motivated by revenge, you're essentially motivated by abundance.
What Is a Venusian Upgrade?
"When I created 'A Venusian Upgrade,' I had the intention that I would put all vengeful and negative feelings into a positive transformation for myself. I've seen so many people struggle with transmuting energy – people who don't know how precious their life force is. Giving negative energy to others is taking away potential positive energy from yourself, and nothing ever really comes from it," she explained.
And, when I think about my personal experience with getting a better body in the name of making an ex pay for hurting me, she's absolutely right in that nothing positive comes of it; the attention mostly always leads to a toxic reconnection, interactions that cheapen and devalue you and your time, such as ex-sex.
Alternatively, when you commit to upgrading your Venus, it can lead to upgrades regarding "all things Venus," including relationships (platonic and romantic), finances, and appearance. All things that notably shifted for Jade since beginning this journey.
"Whatever it is that's hurt you in the past, that's hurting you now, or may hurt you in the future — give it to Venus. Put all of your negative feelings into something positive for Venus. Let the ugliness of pain turn you into something even more beautiful. Venus is directly tied to the metamorphic process in Astrology. It is a very natural thing to upgrade via looks, money, and relationships after a Venusian Upgrade."
"Whatever it is that's hurt you in the past, that's hurting you now, or may hurt you in the future — give it to Venus."
Jade speaks about her personal experience with upgrading Venus. She speaks about not being stifled by fear, which is not the same as being unafraid. After all, fear and even doubt are healthy – indicators you have a little sense. But, that doesn't mean you bow out. Seeing it through despite the fear is the faith the universe is waiting to reward.
Since undergoing her Venusian upgrade, Jade says she's "seen 10 times a return on investment through the inspiration" she's gained and the people she's met – inspiration and connections that unlocked her new life.
Much like anything else, you will need to invest in yourself – and this doesn't always necessitate a financial investment so much as a time investment or knowledge (i.e., taking the time to read this article on upgrading your Venus). "The main thing is time. Nobody likes delayed gratification. But, according to Venus, this is the best form of [gratification]! Taurus, a Venus-ruled sign, is the sign of the slow and steady. It represents patience. The best parts of Venus come through a patient process."
Jade reminds us that in traditional Astrology, "Venus represents a woman and a wife. Your Venus is like that; she's like the wife who requires your dedication, and in return, she graces your life with ease and beauty."
In any case of the "happy wife, happy life" mantra, "the happy wife" requires consistency. When the husband or opposite partner throws money at them once every blue moon to compensate for their distance or lack of consistency, it rarely makes the wife happy. According to Jade, it's the same in this scenario.
"Venus is the planet of 1:1 commitments, including to one's self," she continues. "You have to commit to the upgrades you want your Venus to have. You want better romance and friendships? You have to commit to investing in and improving those things. You want your income to improve? You have to commit to a trial and error process that lets you find out what's gonna provide your Venus with the sweetest return. This process takes time and dedication."
According to Jade, upgrading your Venus can look like a combination of any of the following:
- Elevate your every day. Dress like you’ve got somewhere to be every day instead of saving clothes for “special.” occasions. Think, Carrie Bradshaw but less obnoxious. Or, any one of the ladies on Girlfriends. Ditch the sweatpants and athleisure wear.
- Stop spinning the block on your ex. Get comfortable with leaving stagnant energy behind. This is one form of clutter but Jade recommends removing all clutter.
- Figure out your aesthetic, and correct color palettes – invest in those things. Perfect them.
- Don’t skimp on your beauty investments!
Curiously, I wondered about the way our own Venus placement shows up when seeking out a Venusian upgrade. Because in the same way we have a sun sign and moon sign, we also have a sign that accounts for every other planet – including Venus. But, no need to worry or delay your work by getting bogged down. Ultimately, the process is the same as "Venus is naturally connected to the transformation process, so it will hold this ability to upgrade and transmute no matter what sign it's in."
However, I imagine that knowing what sign your Venus is in will tell you the way you enjoy Venusian qualities. For this knowledge, Jade recommends looking into Astrology further by "learning about the house, then the sign, and then Venus as a planet." She adds, "Once you're done, you put it all together and reflect on how these things have played out in [your] life."
lambada/Getty Images
Giving your life a Venusian upgrade is not a concept you hear of frequently; it's only been recently, through Jade's work, that I've heard of it. Since its inception, there have been a few people who have felt inspired to echo Jade's work. What's more, is that the timing of Jade's discovery seems to be perfectly aligned with the recent transit of Pluto moving into the sign of Aquarius – where it will stay for the next 20 years.
But, wait, what do Venus and Pluto have to do with one another? That's what I wondered, myself.
"In Astrology, we know that the 4th house is the anchor of the chart. It's the house (area of life) that holds everything together at the bottom. During Pluto in Aquarius, the sign of Taurus (ruled by Venus) will act as this anchor. We can see this through the lens of derivative Astrology, but that's a whole other convo. Taurus being the anchor means that all things related to Venus come into play."
In turn, the things that Venus stands for also become anchors – beauty, relationships, and harmony.
Etsy
"Money becomes an anchor more than ever. Beauty becomes a stronger anchor. One-on-one relationships, and how harmonious they are, become paramount. These are the things that will hold us down at the bottom of it all during Pluto in Aquarius."
She further explains that this transit will highlight the "haves and the have-nots" in ways that make upgrading our Venus essential to not only surviving but thriving through this transit. Holding no pouches, Jade points out that in the absence of an upgraded Venus during this time, "you'll experience the other side of what I mentioned. Broke, ugly, and lonely. We don't want that."
One thing I know is that being bombarded with this information can be a lot, but I implore everyone to take a deep dive into Jade's social handles. All of this information is readily available. By her own admission, she's provided a step-by-step guide on the Venusian upgrade process before you ever pay a penny for her e-course.
I don't know about you, but the concept of the Venusian upgrade really excites me because, unlike the broader approach of manifesting, this feels more familiar and attainable. From a young age, my mom always told me she was motivated by people telling her she wouldn't be successful, and I've always adopted that mindset. Thus, I've been motivated to create the life I want for myself by tapping into people's projections or fears.
I've always thought this way on some level. Breakup? Cool, watch me show you what you're missing. And I go hard until I forget the initial purpose and remember myself. So, when I say it feels more attainable, I'm aware that I haven't been doing it completely correctly. Still, it's rather simple to reframe the mindset from being motivated by vengeance to being motivated by self-actualization.
From where I’m sitting, the Venusian upgrade is the only love spell (not literally) you’ll ever need.
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