When we want our bodies to be toned, we head to the gym. If we need our nails and toes to be weekend-ready, we pay a visit to our local nail technician. But when we experience trauma, break-ups, life transitions, or painful memories, we tend to push them to the far corners of our mind and do our best to forget about it. Push it down, repress, and keep your chin up, give it to God.
But when it come to mental health, there is no shortcut.
The only way to a better you is through by doing the work. Working on your mental health is an important part, not just in growing up, but in seeking partnerships. If marriage and family is part of your future plan, then going to therapy should be on your current to-do list.
The taboo associated with therapy in the black community is beginning to melt away, thanks to the rise in self-care awareness. But where do you begin?
Here's a little guide to get you get started.
Know Your Mission
Keep in mind you shouldn't ever wait until you've reached a point of burn-out or emotional breakdown to find a therapist. It could be post-break or pre-two-weeks-notice, ask for support around transition. If you've never attended therapy sessions, you're more than overdue. Consider your first session a nail shop appointment for your soul.
Do Your Research
Having a new therapist is like starting a new relationship. There's a period in the beginning that will be focused on getting to know who you are and where you've been that may feel like an awkward first date if you settle in with the wrong therapist. It has to be a fit, so do your research.
Websites like Therapy For Black Girls, founded by Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, offers provider listings and a guide for starting therapy. The Sad Girl's Club is loaded with helpful blog posts all about mental health - which is a good place to start.
Find A System That Fits Your Life
Therapy has come a long way since our parents' days. There are options for people who have specific goals and lifestyles to consider. For example, if time is a problem for you, there are convenient apps like Talk Space that offer daily texts, video, or voice sessions with a therapist, even a few times a day depending on the plan you choose.
Know The Difference Between Therapy & Life Coaching
I remember my biggest gripe about therapy when I first began was that the therapist did way more listening than talking and it was unnerving. After a while, I got used to it and enjoyed the space to speak freely about what was on my mind, but it's important to know that most therapists tend to be that way. If you want a more active and involved process, you might consider finding a life coach instead.
Supplement Your Self-Healing Journey
Going to see a therapist or life coach isn't the only route to healing. There are a lot of books and podcasts that can help keep you on the right path by dropping daily gems available at your convenience. Podcasts such as Black Girl in Om center around emotional and mental wellness, as well as physical health. If starting therapy is changing your diet, then books and podcasts can be like taking a daily vitamin.
Keep A Record
If you have ten minutes to check Twitter, you can make ten minutes to check in with yourself. Try using the voice memo feature on your phone and recording check-in messages highlighting how you feel that day, how therapy has possibly made you think differently, and what challenged you want to bring up in your next session.
It's also a great tool for understanding yourself more. There's something about listening to yourself talk that makes you much more aware of what you're talking about.
Be Okay With What Comes Out
The most important part of starting therapy is to allow yourself emotional space to feel vulnerable. The process of digging into your past or into a situation that was painful can open up a window that can let out a lot of feelings perhaps you were keeping inside. Instead of pushing them away, work on embracing them. Until you accept whatever pain or emotions you have within, it will be impossible to let them go completely. And letting go is the entire point.
Whatever your therapy journey looks like, remember you're not alone. We're all fairly new to this self-care thing. There's plenty of support waiting for you on the other side of whatever has been keeping you down. Reach out, have faith and go forward.
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- Therapy For Black Girls - Thriving at every stage of life! ›
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By the time she turned 40, she had encountered her breaking point and spiraled so deeply that she saw no way out for herself aside from death. She went on to say that she heard voices in her head telling her to end her life and that told her of her unworthiness, pulling her deeper into her depression. "I started looking for places, cliffs where I could have an accident because I didn't want my kids to think that their mother had committed suicide.”
Jada credited friends of her son Jaden for putting her on to ayahuasca, a powerful and traditional plant-based brew used for shamanic and healing rituals known for its psychoactive properties. She said partaking in ayahuasca changed her profoundly and "the suicidal thoughts completely went away."
"Ayahuasca helped me, it gave me a new intimate relationship with myself that I had never had before," she told the outlet about her first time taking the psychedelic. Keep reading for more key takeaways from Jada's PEOPLE exclusive.
Jada Pinkett Smith on the status of her marriage to Will Smith:
In what might have been a shocking revelation to most, Jada revealed to the world that she and Will have actually been separated for the past six years, going on seven years. She explained the status of their 26-year marriage to PEOPLE:
“We’re still figuring it out. We’ve been doing some really heavy-duty work together. We just got deep love for each other and we are going to figure out what that looks like for us.”
Amy Sussman/WireImage
Jada on how her relationship with Will Smith caused her to abandon her mental health:
As her star in Hollywood was rising thanks to starring roles in projects like A Different World, Jason's Lyric, and Set It Off, Jada revealed that she was taking Prozac and being treated for depression and suicidal ideation. Meeting Will would cause her to develop a false sense of not needing to take care of her mental health.
"Once I met Will, I completely abandoned my mental health. I was so intoxicated by him and our dynamic. I really felt like I'm cured," she said to PEOPLE. "He became the drug."
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Jada Pinkett Smith on the self-acceptance her kids have taught her:
"My children, they’re little gurus," she told the mag of her kids, bonus son Trey, 30, Jaden, 25, and Willow, 22. "They’ve taught me a deep sense of self-acceptance.”
“They love every part of me. The level of love, unconditional love that they have for me and their dad. And it's one thing to want to be the person that gives that unconditional love. And then there's, to be the recipient of that.”
For the full cover story and photos, head over to PEOPLE here.
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As for me personally, because I tend to be pretty word-literal and I know that soul means “the principle of life, feeling, thought, and action in humans, regarded as a distinct entity separate from the body” and “the spiritual part of humans regarded in its moral aspect” while mate means “to marry or join in marriage” and also “a fellow member or joint occupant of a specified thing” — I tend to see soulmates as individuals who are connected to our spirits in very profound ways so that our quality of life is enhanced on a truly remarkable level. I also believe that not all soulmates are romantic partners.
I must say, though, that another definition I adore is the Jewish one for soulmate; it’s bashert and it means “destiny” — yep “destiny” in the sense of two people who were predestined to be together. Yeah, that might sound like fairy tales and butterflies on the surface yet if you do a deep dive into Jewish culture and where the word is actually coming from, while it does talk about a soul that is cut into a male and female half and then joined back together, it also speaks of the purpose of a marital soulmate being someone who challenges you to become your truest and highest spiritual self.
Gee, does that sound like someone who makes you happy all of the time? Hmph. Sounds more like soulmates are about being in a mature relationship that will get you to grow in a way that no other relationship on this planet can…or will. Sounds to me like being married to your soulmate is where the big kids play.
That’s just two definitions, though, and, as you’re about to see, there are a myriad of others. For me, it was fun to tackle this article because you’re going to hear how 12 different men define “soulmate” for themselves. My hope is that it will encourage you to give some deep(er) thought into how you see the word for yourself — in hopes that it will encourage you to approach your own relationships from an even bigger (and more spirit-filled) perspective.
*Per usual for me, with these types of articles, middle names have been used, so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kayin. 30. Married for 18 Months.
“Now, this is an interesting question that I don’t think I’ve ever been asked before — which is surprising because my wife has seen every rom-com in the world. Do I think that I’m married to my soulmate? In a practical sense, yes, because she is the woman who I intentionally decided to commit the rest of my life to, have children with, and hopefully prepare for heaven with. In the way that a lot of people see the word, I think my first love was my soulmate because I never experienced love on any kind of life-changing level until her. Who breaks you open and reveals yourself to you, that is what a soulmate is to me.”
2. Garren. 36. In a Serious Relationship.
“Asking men what a soulmate is — now ain’t this a trip? I think that guys only fall in love once or twice in their lifetime, and both of those women are their soulmate. In spite of what a lot of women think, men take love seriously; that’s why we don’t do it very often. But if you’re a woman who can get us to go all in with you, you’ve got a piece of us that we mostly keep hidden, and if that doesn’t make you a soulmate, nothin’ does.”
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3. Osher. 42. Engaged.
“I think your soulmate is a decision: you choose who you want to ‘mate’ your soul with. It might not sound romantic, but that’s how I see it. For men, that’s big because we’re not just out here wanting to give our soul to someone else. The soul is huge. But if we decide, on our own, to share our life with someone, for the rest of our life, we take you very seriously. A soulmate, to me, is a wife.”
4. Everson. 25. Single.
“I’ve only had two men in my life even use the word “soulmate.” One is my grandfather, and he said that his first love, not my grandmother, was his soulmate after my grandmother died. The other is this guy I work with. He sends his wife flowers once a week, and she sends his favorite cookies to work often and whenever he’s ordering them or eating her cookies, he says that he can’t wait to get home to see his soulmate. I’ve never asked the men what they mean; I just always assumed that the woman who impacts your life like no one else is your soulmate.”
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5. Warren. 34. Married for Five Years.
“My soulmate isn’t my wife. People can think however they want to about that. My soulmate prepared me for my wife. Before I got married, there’s no way I would’ve even considered jumping a broom, but when I was around 26, I met a woman who wasn’t like anyone I had ever met. She influenced the way I thought about spirituality, Blackness, travel, sex, manhood — she impacted me in every way. For about eight months, she was a big part of my world, and then…she wasn’t. A few months later, I met my wife. ‘She’ came along to get me where I am now. No one will get me to think something different.”
6. Noah. 40. Dating.
“I think a soulmate is someone you don’t have to settle to have. What I mean is, you don’t have to give up your spiritual growth for your sexual needs or your emotional needs for someone who would be a great mother. Too many people I know, who are married, act like they ended up with a fraction of what they wanted and that it had to be that way. Soulmates are a complete package; that’s why they’re so hard to find. I know two men who are with their soulmate, and one has been with her for almost 20 years. They’re the happiest men I know.”
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7. Robert. 40. Single.
“My best [female] friend is my soulmate. I’ve known this for years. She challenges me. She’s who I trust more than anyone else. She helps me to see things through a woman’s lens in a way that I wouldn’t any other way. I can’t tell you how many times folks have asked us why we’re not married. The sexual attraction just isn’t there, and we’re both okay with that. I’ve never thought that you had to marry your soulmate; I just think they are meant to be in your life forever. We’re a package deal, so if I do get married, my wife will have to deal with that. And before you ask, my friend feels the same way about her future husband. We’ll see.”
8. John. 31. Engaged.
“I’ve had two soulmates: one is my fiancée, and the other is a woman who I had a deep sexual relationship with. My fiancée is my soulmate because I’m at a stage in my life when I want to become a higher version of myself, and I think she will help me get there. The other woman…before her, I only saw sex as ‘sex,’ but she made it a more spiritual experience. I felt very vulnerable, and I wouldn’t have seen sex as an intimate act without her. Women who change your life are soulmates.”
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9. Rorke. 28. Dating.
“If I’m gonna be real, my soulmate terrified me — that’s how I know that she was one. She knew me in a way that no other person ever has. She could read by body language, she knew what I was thinking a lot of the time, and she would cut to the chase when it came to a lot of my bulls-it, only she did it in a way that didn’t feel like she was attacking me more like she could see right through me. And the sex? You know that scene in ‘Boomerang’ when Eddie curled up in his bedspread after Robin left? That was me. Men know when they’ve met their match. Sometimes, we’re just not ready for her. My soulmate and I are friends, but only loosely now. She needs to be my wife or nothing else, and I’m just not ready for that.”
10. Wade. 31. Married for Three Years.
“Based on what you said you think a soulmate is, I don’t get how anyone sees something romantic about it. Seems to me that a soulmate is a lot of work — because if you want to do what’s best for your spirit, that kind of work isn’t easy. I asked my wife what she thinks a soulmate is, and she said it’s someone who you trust and desire above all else. I think it’s someone who you want to be a part of every aspect of your life — and you don’t come across that kind of person but once or twice in a lifetime.
"Whoever sees the depth of you, even the ugly parts, and you want them to stay, and they want to be there, through every season, that’s a soulmate. You won’t meet them often.”
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11. Mavuto. 27. Single.
“I don’t believe in soulmates like there is only one person for you in the world — there are too many people out here for that. I think that different soulmates bring you to different portals in life. One soulmate can help you to live ‘this’ kind of life, and another soulmate can help you to live ‘that’ kind of life. Soulmates are all about thinking about the kind of life you want to live and then selecting who can help you make it happen.”
12. Cian. 51. Married for 19 Years.
“There are friend-mates. There are sex-mates. There are purpose-mates. Then there are soulmates. When you’re ready to take your soul seriously, life will bring you someone who will elevate you in a way that makes you unrecognizable to yourself. My wife is that for me. She’s not the other kinds of mates that I mentioned in the sense of the tightest connection I’ve had with another human in those ways. She knows this. I’m not that for her, either. When you get to where your soul matters most to you, that other stuff matters, but it pales in comparison. Living my life with the one who is invested in my soul? She’s invaluable. Wouldn’t trade her for the world.”
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I’m tellin’ y’all — don’t be out here thinking that social media “hot takes” are all that there is when it comes to learning about men (social media? Not even close). When you get a chance, sit down with some of the guys in your world. Ask them what they think a soulmate is. Their answers just might surprise you…challenge you too.
Just like the word “soulmate” is literally designed to do.
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