The Boss Girl’s Guide to Therapy
When we want our bodies to be toned, we head to the gym. If we need our nails and toes to be weekend-ready, we pay a visit to our local nail technician. But when we experience trauma, break-ups, life transitions, or painful memories, we tend to push them to the far corners of our mind and do our best to forget about it. Push it down, repress, and keep your chin up, give it to God.
But when it come to mental health, there is no shortcut.
The only way to a better you is through by doing the work. Working on your mental health is an important part, not just in growing up, but in seeking partnerships. If marriage and family is part of your future plan, then going to therapy should be on your current to-do list.
The taboo associated with therapy in the black community is beginning to melt away, thanks to the rise in self-care awareness. But where do you begin?
Here's a little guide to get you get started.
Know Your Mission
Keep in mind you shouldn't ever wait until you've reached a point of burn-out or emotional breakdown to find a therapist. It could be post-break or pre-two-weeks-notice, ask for support around transition. If you've never attended therapy sessions, you're more than overdue. Consider your first session a nail shop appointment for your soul.
Do Your Research
Having a new therapist is like starting a new relationship. There's a period in the beginning that will be focused on getting to know who you are and where you've been that may feel like an awkward first date if you settle in with the wrong therapist. It has to be a fit, so do your research.
Websites like Therapy For Black Girls, founded by Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, offers provider listings and a guide for starting therapy. The Sad Girl's Club is loaded with helpful blog posts all about mental health - which is a good place to start.
Find A System That Fits Your Life
Therapy has come a long way since our parents' days. There are options for people who have specific goals and lifestyles to consider. For example, if time is a problem for you, there are convenient apps like Talk Space that offer daily texts, video, or voice sessions with a therapist, even a few times a day depending on the plan you choose.
Know The Difference Between Therapy & Life Coaching
I remember my biggest gripe about therapy when I first began was that the therapist did way more listening than talking and it was unnerving. After a while, I got used to it and enjoyed the space to speak freely about what was on my mind, but it's important to know that most therapists tend to be that way. If you want a more active and involved process, you might consider finding a life coach instead.
Supplement Your Self-Healing Journey
Going to see a therapist or life coach isn't the only route to healing. There are a lot of books and podcasts that can help keep you on the right path by dropping daily gems available at your convenience. Podcasts such as Black Girl in Om center around emotional and mental wellness, as well as physical health. If starting therapy is changing your diet, then books and podcasts can be like taking a daily vitamin.
Keep A Record
If you have ten minutes to check Twitter, you can make ten minutes to check in with yourself. Try using the voice memo feature on your phone and recording check-in messages highlighting how you feel that day, how therapy has possibly made you think differently, and what challenged you want to bring up in your next session.
It's also a great tool for understanding yourself more. There's something about listening to yourself talk that makes you much more aware of what you're talking about.
Be Okay With What Comes Out
The most important part of starting therapy is to allow yourself emotional space to feel vulnerable. The process of digging into your past or into a situation that was painful can open up a window that can let out a lot of feelings perhaps you were keeping inside. Instead of pushing them away, work on embracing them. Until you accept whatever pain or emotions you have within, it will be impossible to let them go completely. And letting go is the entire point.
Whatever your therapy journey looks like, remember you're not alone. We're all fairly new to this self-care thing. There's plenty of support waiting for you on the other side of whatever has been keeping you down. Reach out, have faith and go forward.
- What To Do Before Your First Therapy Session - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Is It Time To See A Therapist? 4 Signs You Need Therapy - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What To Know About Hiring A Life Coach - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
- Therapy For Black Girls - Thriving at every stage of life! ›
- Black Women and Therapy | Essence.com ›
- Black Women Seeking Therapy, What To Know | Essence.com ›
- A Therapist Called Me a 'Strong Black Woman' Instead of Helping ... ›
- This Afro-Latina's Art Is Therapy For Black Women Suffering From ... ›
- Why African Americans Avoid Psychotherapy | Psychology Today ›
- Young, Black And In Therapy | Bené Viera ›
- Why Finding a Therapist Can Be Especially Hard for Black Women ›
- Black, 30, And Finally In Therapy » VSB ›
Ashley Simpo is a writer, mother and advocate for self-care and healthy relationships. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter @ashleysimpo. Check out her work and her musings on ashleysimpocreative.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Listen, You're Totally Missing Out If You've Never Tried 'Yoga Sex' Before
Deflecting. If there’s one thing that irks me to absolutely no end, it’s when someone tries to avoid personal accountability — or even just a direct question — by deflecting. Take some people, who are barely in their 50s, who try to tell me that they are basically in a sexless marriage due to their age.
Chile, please. Reportedly, over 40 percent of people between the ages of 60-85 are sexually active (I personally think it’s much higher than that), and more than half between the ages of 57-75 (and one-third between the ages of 75-85) participate in oral sex. Matter of fact, a great example of all of this is TikTok sensation (and her husband) Rita 'Badgirlriri504' Smith who’s been married 43 years and talks about intimacy with her man every chance she gets. And you know what? I adore seeing it (check out “Marriage Tips with Social Media Creator Rita 'Badgirlriri504' Smith”)!
And just what does all of this have to do with today’s topic? Well, while talking to two of my clients not too long ago — people who are also well into their 60s — about the fact that they try to get it in at least twice a week (see what I mean? And that doesn’t include oral), when I asked them what their secret was, the wife said, without hesitation, “Simple. We do yoga sex.”
It’s pretty redundant for me to say that I write about sex a lot, which means that I research it too; however, I’ve got to admit that although I know that certain positions can make engaging in copulation easier, it never crossed my mind that there was something known as yoga sex. Yet, as the couple broke it down to me, I found myself becoming more and more intrigued. And that caused me to do some looking around so that I could share the wealth.
Because if your sex life is already bomb as hell, things are slowing down a bit, and you need a bit of “oomph” to fuel the fire again or, deep down, you know that you’re deflecting when it comes to your sex life and you want to change that — yoga sex could be the answer to all of your sexual needs. Read on to see what I mean.
Let’s Review Some Overall Benefits of Yoga, in General, First
GiphyThe gym? It’s never been something that has tickled my fancy, not even a little bit. Oh, but as my metabolism is slowing down and I can tell that I’m deep in the throes of perimenopause (CHILE), I’ve accepted that I need to be more intentional about exercise than ever. And since you can find just about anything that you’re looking for on the internet, I’ve found myself taking a real liking to yoga.
As far as health-related and direct physical benefits go, there are many:
- Yoga helps to reduce stress
- Yoga helps to decrease bodily inflammation
- Yoga helps to boost your immunity
- Yoga strengthens your body
- Yoga increases flexibility
- Yoga gives you more balance and improves your posture
- Yoga elevates your mental health
And that really is just the tip of the iceberg! Since you can get all of this from apps that offer classes for free (you can get a list of some of them here, or you can put “yoga classes” in the search field of YouTube as well), which means that you can do yoga from the comfort and convenience of your own home, why wouldn’t you want to at least give it a shot? Especially if, as you’re about to see, you can incorporate sex into yoga too?
So, What’s This “Yoga Sex” Thing All About?
GiphyIf you actually took the list of benefits that I just provided seriously, it should make all the sense in the world why yoga would help to improve people’s sex lives. If you’re less stressed, it’s easier to orgasm. If you have less bodily inflammation, sex is more comfortable. If you have a solid immune system, you’re in a better mood for sex. If your body is stronger, you will have more stamina during sex. The more flexible you are, the more sex positions you can try. The better your posture is, the easier it is to breathe deeply (which also increases your chances of climaxing). And if your mental health is in a great state, the more satisfying sex will be for you overall.
Okay, but there’s more. Some studies actually reveal that women who participate in yoga on a regular basis are more easily aroused, lubricate more, and experience less bodily discomfort — and get this, especially if they are over the age of 45. One study even went so far as to reveal that 75 percent of women who did yoga consistently said that they were more satisfied with their sex life than before yoga became a part of their lifestyle. Impressive…impressive indeed.
So, what makes “yoga sex” a thing? Well, it’s basically when people bring standard yoga positions into their sex life. Meaning, it’s not about learning positions that will make you stronger and more flexible in the bedroom beforehand; no, yoga sex is about literally doing yoga while having sex.
For instance, say that your goal for sex is to experience deeper penetration from your partner. A position that you might want to try is the cobra pose (here) where you first get on your stomach and then lift the upper half of your body with your hands while keeping your arms straight. If your partner straddles you, it frees their body up to penetrate you while also stimulating your neck and shoulders with his hands and mouth.
Or, if you like the missionary position yet you want to give it a bit of an upgrade, the bridge pose (here) can make that happen because it’s all about being on your back and then lifting the lower half of your body while your feet are planted on the ground (or your bed if your core is strong and your partner is helping to hold you up). Word on the street is this is a top-tier cunnilingus position. Report back. #wink
Maybe you’ve always wanted to experience a cervical orgasm. Getting on your back and throwing your legs over your head, and then being penetrated is one of the best ways to achieve this goal; that position is called the plow pose (here).
Now that I’ve broken yoga sex down a bit, do you see the potential that it holds? Do you also see how taking up some yoga, outside of sex, could better prep you for yoga sex?
If all of this has piqued your interest, first let me say that there are other traditional yoga positions that would be great for sex too like the forward bend and reclining butterfly (here) or the happy baby and cat-cow (here) — and honestly, that’s only the beginning because, the more confident you become, the more positions you’ll probably want to experiment with. The really awesome thing is, when it comes to yoga sex, positions aren’t the only thing that you can explore; there are different types of yoga sex too. Let’s touch on that briefly as well.
Did You Know That There Are Different Kinds of Yoga Sex?
GiphySo, what do I mean by different types of yoga sex? Great question.
Tantric yoga: This type of yoga focuses on the more spiritual side of intimacy. It does this by incorporating practices that help with meditation (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”), flexibility and deep breathing.
Orgasmic yoga:If you want to control your pelvis more, strengthen your core, and become an expert when it comes to breathwork, then orgasmic yoga will be more your speed (for the record, from what I’ve read, belly dancing actually qualifies as a form of orgasmic yoga. Just an FYI).
Kink yoga: If BDSM is your thing, then this is the kind of yoga that you’ve been looking for. The main aim here is to use yoga to get you to become more flexible and more mindful during sex.
When it comes to all three of these, if you live in a major city, there’s a pretty good chance that you can find a class that specializes in them. Otherwise, YouTube has some introductions to all of these too.
3 Tips for Yoga Sex Beginners
GiphyAnd what if yoga sex is something you’re down with yet you’re not sure how to start? Well, here are a few tips that can make even trying yoga sex tonight a more pleasurable experience.
1. Decide on positions beforehand. Good foreplay isn’t just about what you do 15 minutes before intercourse; it’s about getting each other’s minds “right” long before that. So, put your partner in the mood by emailing or texting pictures of some positions you’d like to try. It will get his mind in the mood and his imagination going; it’ll also give you some time to practice (just sayin’).
2. Create a “yoga-like” atmosphere. Listen, one of the key principles of yoga is cultivating an environment for mindfulness and peace. So, if you’re trying to do this with the television on, the kids yelling downstairs, or with your mind on a billion different things, it’s not going to work. You need quiet. You also need a lot of room. You need scents (like lavender, jasmine, vanilla, neroli, or sandalwood) that make you feel calm and relaxed. And you need soft lighting; it brings about a sense of tranquility. What about sounds? Instrumental or nature ones are probably gonna work best because they won’t break your concentration.
3. Always meditate (together) first. You’re kinda gonna miss the whole point of yoga sex if you just walk into your bedroom and immediately get into the downward dog. Remember that mindfulness, peacefulness, and pacing oneself are all benefits of yoga — and meditation is what achieves all of this. Plus, meditation is proven to control anxiety, bring about self-awareness, and even give you a greater attention space. So, before any foreplay even begins, sit on the floor across from your partner, look into each other’s eyes, and breathe, deeply, in and out together, for at least 3-5 minutes. It will bring forth an energy that will make yoga sex — and orgasming — truly incomparable…that’s what my clients tell me anyway. #wink
____
It really is so time out for bringing ageism into sex. If the body is able and the spirit is willing, you can be out here rivaling the 20-somethings. Yoga sex is just one option that cosigns on this — and has the data to prove it, chile. Enjoy!
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Featured image by Delmaine Donson/Getty Images