I have never been particularly good at dirty talk, but I love, love, love hearing it. Whenever I am getting close to “finishing,” I cue my partner, breathlessly stating, “Talk to me” or “Tell me you want it.” What I didn't know until more recently is that I am asking them to “talk me through it.” But what exactly does that mean? How can you learn to do it, or better yet, how can you get your partner to do it for you? (Go ahead and send them a link to this article, sis!)
In today’s world, the conversation around sex and intimacy is evolving rapidly. Platforms like TikTok have brought once-taboo topics around sex and intimacy into the mainstream. Recently, some of the men on TikTok have been sharing tips on "talking your partner through orgasm"—using verbal cues to guide your partner to and through their climax. It’s not just about talking dirty, but about being in tune with your partner’s emotions and body, enhancing both the physical and emotional aspects of the experience.
For Black women, who often find themselves at the intersection of societal expectations and personal desires, the need for open communication in sexual relationships is especially important. Many of us aren’t sure how to ask for the verbal affirmations that excite us. So let's dive into how you can master this art form.
What Does It Mean to "Talk Your Partner Through It"?
Talking your partner through orgasm can look (or sound) like a few different things. It involves using words and verbal cues to guide them to climax. Unlike regular dirty talk, which may be more about fantasy or teasing, talking your partner through orgasm is about being present in the moment, offering guidance, affirmation, or even instructions as your partner reaches their peak.
Marcqwuan, a sex educator and relationship expert, explains it perfectly:
“For me, talking her through it is a moment within a sexual experience where your partner is climaxing, and you use that special moment to communicate with your partner. Every moment is different.”
But this form of dirty talk isn’t one size fits all. It should be tailored to your partner’s desires, kinks, and needs in the moment.
But why do people go wild for this type of dirty talk? Whitni Miller, Sex Educator and Pleasure Coach, emphasizes, “For starters, it creates a sense of emotional closeness. A little positive reinforcement can make her feel like a goddess. Plus, words have power, and when you turn up the volume on verbal cues, feelings of pleasure can get cranked to 11. And who doesn’t want a bit more oomph as they approach the finale?”
Our senses play an important role when it comes to sexual satisfaction, and hearing your partner whisper sweet nothings while you approach your “O” can help make a lasting impression that keeps you coming back again and again.
Why Dirty Talk Feels Awkward (And How to Get Over It)
For some of us, the idea of dirty talk, especially in a moment as intimate as orgasm, can feel awkward or unnatural. We may not be able to think of the right thing to say or even hesitate for fear of sounding corny. The concern of saying the wrong thing or ruining the mood often holds people back. But most of these barriers are all in our heads.
Dakota Ramppen, certified sex educator, acknowledges these challenges, stating, “Some people get stuck in their heads wondering if what they’re saying is sexy enough or if they sound ridiculous. That hesitation kills the vibe.” But, be aware, your partner may not always want to hear your voice when getting close to their big “O.” Dakota continues, “If she’s in a zone and you’re too forceful or not saying the right things, you could break her rhythm.”
Part of talking your partner through it requires conversation outside of the bedroom, so you can be clear and confident about what they want. The other piece is intuitive and takes watchful practice.
Overcoming that awkward feeling involves communication and repetition. Before diving into talking your partner through orgasm, have an open conversation about what kinds of phrases or cues your partner likes. Witni says, “Adjust your approach based on her responses…find out together what makes her tick!” Start with words or phrases that feel comfortable to you and build from there. It also doesn’t hurt to have a few key phrases memorized (more on this in a few.)
After all, your partner won’t know if your sweet words are preplanned or improvised.
For Him: Tips on Talking Her Through Orgasm
Fellas, this part is for you! When it comes to talking your woman through orgasm, the key is to be present and attentive to her needs and body language. It’s not just about saying something sexy—it’s about creating a connection and supporting her as she reaches her peak. Here are a few tips to guide you:
- Be Affirming: Use phrases that affirm her pleasure, such as “You’re so close” or “You feel amazing.” These words can reassure her that she’s in control and that you’re fully engaged in her experience.
- Stay in Tune: Pay attention to her body language and sounds. If she’s speeding up, match her energy with your words, encouraging her to follow through. As Marcqwuan suggests, “If she can’t hear you, get closer to her ear and speak louder.”
- Use Sensory Language: Highlight the physical sensations she’s experiencing. Try saying something like, “I love how your body feels right now.” Describing what you’re feeling can heighten her own sensory awareness.
- Be Encouraging: Reassure her that her pleasure is your priority. Phrases like “Let go for me” or “I want to feel it” help her feel supported and free to enjoy the moment.
For Her: Talking Him Through Orgasm
Women can also take the lead in talking to their male partners through orgasm. The key is confidence and being in tune with your partner’s preferences. Whitni walks us through some tips:
- Confidence is Key: Own the moment and don’t shy away from guiding him through his orgasm. Your partner will likely appreciate your assertiveness, which can enhance his experience.
- Tailor to His Preferences: Use what you know he enjoys most. If he likes teasing or encouragement, lean into that. Dakota suggests: “It’s about creating a verbal map that gets him exactly where he wants to go.”
- Compliment & Tease: Build anticipation with compliments like “You feel so good” or “I love the way you move.” This will increase his arousal and bring him closer to orgasm.
- Encourage Surrender: Use encouraging phrases like “Come for me” or “Give me everything.” This can help your partner let go and fully enjoy the moment.
Universal Best Practices
No matter your gender or role in the relationship, there are universal tips that can help you master the art of talking your partner through orgasm:
- Positive Reinforcement: Affirm your partner’s pleasure with words like “You’re doing so good” or “Don’t stop.” Positive reinforcement helps build confidence and trust.
- Read the Room: Adjust your approach based on your partner’s reactions. If they’re responding well to your words, keep going. If not, switch things up. As Dakota says, “It’s about feeling where they are and matching that energy.”
- Be Genuine: Your words don’t need to be performative. Speak from a place of genuine connection, and your partner will feel that authenticity.
- Experiment and Have Fun: Don’t be afraid to try new phrases or approaches. Every experience is different, and what works today might evolve tomorrow.
Talking your partner through orgasm is a powerful way to deepen intimacy and create a lasting emotional connection. But it's not all about just talking! As Whitni shared, “And don’t forget your listening ears; tuning in to your partner’s needs will keep the experience flowin' and growin'.” It’s about more than just dirty talk—it’s about being present, engaged, and in tune with your partner’s needs.
So the next time you’re in the heat of the moment, don’t be afraid to use your words. You might just find that they’re the key to unlocking a deeper, more satisfying connection.
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It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Alistair Berg/Getty ImagesStep 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Getty ImagesStep 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
DMP/ Getty ImagesStep 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
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What I mean is, if you are someone who likes to sit down and come up with resolutions for the new year, when it comes to your sex life, what exactly are you resolving to do? What sex-related goals do you actually have? Because if you don’t know and you kind of just let life “happen to you,” the way you end 2025 may not be the way you planned…because there never was a plan in place.
All of this is why I decided to ask 10 single women to pause, ponder, and then produce a semi-formal sex plan that they would be willing to share with y’all. Although a few of them were taken aback by my request at first, by the time they gave me their answer, each woman found it to be something that they would be doing annually moving forward — because, like everything else in life, knowing what you want out of sex, for yourself, is essential. And you certainly increase your chances of getting what you desire…when there is a plan in place.
*Middle names are always used in these types of interview pieces so that individuals can speak freely*
1. Hannah. 28.
Giphy“Girl, my sex plan is to stop having sex with my ex-fiancé. When we broke off our engagement 16 months ago, I’m not sure if either of us thought that we’d keep having sex like we were still together. But who wants to keep racking up bodies or risking getting an STD? Plus, the sex with him? I have never had it so good and so consistent. But when you asked me about putting a ‘sex plan’ together, and I really thought about how our relationship has no future — I accept that I need to let that last part of us go. Otherwise, I could date someone and still be having sex with my ex. I’m not going to tell him [her ex] about my plan until after our date on New Year’s Eve. Don’t judge me. I’m a work in progress!”
Shellie here: Check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”
2. Alexie. 34.
Giphy“I’m gonna have me some multiple orgasms, dammit! I am so tired of reading about them and not being able to relate. I think women have been conditioned to think that even getting one is something that we should be grateful for — you know, kind of like that Salt-N-Pepa brag about getting knocked out for the night after one ‘shot.’ No ma’am. I wanna know what it’s like to cum, pause, cum again, pause, and cum again. I’m going to make that my mission for the entire year. I’ll let you know how it goes.”
Shellie here: Check out “How To Have Mind-Blowing Multiple Orgasms. Tonight, Chile.”
3. Thalia. 27.
Giphy“I want to learn how to enjoy oral sex more — not giving, receiving. I’ve always liked the power that comes from giving a man head, but I haven’t met a guy who makes receiving it feel as good as my girlfriends talk about. Whenever it happens to me, I feel annoyed; it’s almost like a dog is licking on me or something. Everything just feels wet, sloppy, and aimless. I’ve got a guy friend who says that he can get me what I’m after. I’m considering him because I’ll be damned if I’m out here giving out all this good head, and I end up dying not knowing what everyone else is even talking about!”
Shellie here: Check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?” and “Okay. So, This Is Why Oral Sex Is Probably Not Satisfying You (Fully).” and (just in case) “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”
4. Icelynne. 30.
Giphy“‘Get over a man by getting under a different man’ is some bullsh-t. All you do is up your body count. The guy I’ve been seeing, the kissing is good but the sex isn’t that great, but I really like him. In the past, I would just move on, but now that you ask me to come up with a plan — I think the plan is to try and make sex better. You get older, and you realize that sometimes you ‘click’ immediately with someone, and sometimes, you need to be more patient. It’s not that the sex is bad, it’s just that I’m used to good sex being easier. Learning to talk about my needs and working with someone to meet them — that’s the plan for next year.”
Shellie here: Check out “Do You Lie About Your Body Count? Here's Why You Shouldn't.,” “6 Things About The Whole 'Body Count' Debate That Should Be Discussed” and “Is There REALLY Such A Thing As 'Bad Sex'?”
5. Gabriella. 45.
Giphy“I’m sick of reading about all of the different kinds of orgasms that you can have and barely knowing what a [clitoral] one feels like. If I can have a nipple orgasm, then I’m going to have one. And I can have one by myself? In my sleep? [Shellie here: Yes, sleep orgasms are an actual thing] And what’s this, you can come just from someone kissing you, right? What the f-ck?! I’m on mission to be able to say that I’ve had every type of orgasm there is. The interviewing process for this mission is about to be so funny, too. I already know.”
Shellie here: Check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”
6. Terrika. 33.
Giphy“I’m leaving faking orgasms in my rearview mirror. It doesn’t help anything. All it does is make men think that they’ve accomplished something that they haven’t and make me resent them for doing it. I hate to say it, but I’ve been acting like I’ve cum for so long that I can’t even remember the last time that I’ve had a real orgasm — oh, yes, I can, and it was two damn years ago! I think because I like sex, even if I don’t cum, is why I’ve put up with it for so long. I’m not getting any younger, and I need to make sure I end up with a man where I don’t have to do any pretending. 2025 is going to be my year. I am speaking it into existence!”
Shellie here: Check out “Why You Should Stop Faking Orgasms ASAP” and “So, 10 Women Sat Down And Told Me Why They Fake Orgasms...More Times Than Not”
7. Persephone. 38.
Giphy“I want to experience sexcations all over the world. I find it fascinating how much sex gets better for me whenever I’m in a new environment. If that can happen just with a different hotel or an Airbnb, I can only imagine what it would be like to make love in London, Cape Town, or Barcelona. It’s also sexy to get to know someone better in a different space. I met a guy [last year], and our connection is strong. We’ve been talking about stamping our passports together. We haven’t had sex yet. I think an international sexcation being our first time, would be perfect for the new year.”
Shellie here: Check out “Married Couples, It's Time For A Sexcation!” and “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”
8. Evelyn. 29.
Giphy“I want to know what ‘making love’ feels like. Is that weird to say? Coming into sex, I was what my friends say is a ‘late bloomer’ because I didn’t have sex until my junior year [of college]. It wasn’t random, but it wasn’t with a guy who I loved — well, I loved him as a friend and still do, but it wasn’t a romantic type of thing. I was curious and trusted him to try it out. I don’t regret that, but since, there have only been a few others, and the pattern has been the same: sex with friends and nothing mind-blowing. [In 2025], I want to wait until I’m in a serious relationship and then have sex. I keep hearing that love-making is the best. I have no clue. Would like to know.”
Shellie here: “Unforgettable: 10 Men Open Up About That 'One Experience' They'll Never Forget”
9. Tamiko. 41.
“I want to take a break [from sex]. During my marriage, we had so many sex problems that once we divorced, I definitely made up for lost time. It was mostly because I felt like I was being ‘sexually gaslit’ by my husband — like I couldn’t get the sex that I was after, and it was my fault. Now that I know that it wasn’t a ‘me problem,’ it was an ‘us issue,’ and I’ve gotten all of my ‘itches scratched,’ I’m ready to learn some other things that make me tick outside of the bedroom. I’m not necessarily declaring abstinence for a year, but I am done with my nothing-more-than-sex quest. Next time, it will be someone who gets me excited in more than just the bed.”
Shellie here: Check out “I've Been Abstinent For 12 Years. Here's How.” and “6 Genuine Signs You're Making An Emotional Connection With Your Sex Partner”
10. Lana. 51.
Giphy“My plan is to be more open-minded — not so much when it comes to my standards for a partner but the things that I’m willing to do sexually. I’m not the most conservative person on the planet, but when it’s always in the back of your mind that you can get pregnant, that can make you more cautious. I’m on the tail end of menopause now, so I suddenly feel more adventurous. With a steady sex partner, I’m ready to try whatever and do whatever. Sex that exceeds anything I’ve done before…that is my 2025 plan, girl. Let’s go!”
Shellie here: Check out “What Having Sex After Menopause Is Like, According To 10 Women”
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