Being in a relationship with the same person for 10 years is no easy feat.
You will feel the highest of highs and at some point the lowest of lows. You will experience death together, the loss or growing apart of friendships, you will break each other's hearts and rebuild them piece by piece. At least, that is what I have had to do.
In our one and a half year of marriage, I have had to humbly accept the fact that yes, despite being together for so long as a couple, marriage is a whole different ball game.
Being married millennials and creatives living in Los Angeles on the pursuit of our dreams, we have not been able to follow the same "marriage rules" our parents, siblings or any other married couple we know has. What may be completely out of the question for our parents -- i.e. studio sessions with the opposite sex well past 12 am, meeting anywhere you can to get a script finalized or working with people one-on-one in their homes is definitely not ideal -- it's a large part of not only the LA creative culture, but also the industry. It often puts us in positions that are uncomfortable to say the least, but we are learning and growing through it together.
While we are both still getting the hang of what it means to be married and making, breaking and rewriting our own rules as we go, I have found a few things that help me stay sane and keep moving forward no matter what, the main thing being not sweating the small stuff.
1. Sh*t happens, let it go.
I used to be crazy. Not in the literal sense but I definitely fell under the category of crazy girlfriend. I broke TVs (well just one), yelled and cussed in his mother's house, threw things during arguments -- I was that girl. I had a lot of mental turmoil I hadn't dealt with from my past relationship and let all of that negative energy seep into the next relationship. Every little thing triggered me into a full-on meltdown. It didn't matter how small or big the issue was, I reacted the same. Everything that went wrong felt like the end of the world to me and I simply could not let it go until the situation was resolved to my liking while ignoring his feelings and how he might have wanted to handle the situation.
In taking a step back and really looking at not only how bad I was hurting him but also myself, I made the decision to start thinking, acting and reacting differently. You have to realize that everything that someone else does is not a reflection of how they feel about you and not allow everything that doesn't go how you want it to, to push you over the edge. When you face conflict with your spouse, ask yourself is this going to affect me tomorrow, next week or next year?
There are so many fights we now look back on and laugh, not even remembering why we were mad or what we were fighting about in the first place. If it's something small, you have to start letting go, sis or you will literally drive yourself crazy.
2. Keep your girlfriends out of your bedroom.
Your girlfriends should not know every intimate detail that goes on in your life. Every fight, misunderstanding, and makeup session does not need to be relayed to your girlfriends. I used to tell my friends everything; it was my way of getting things off my chest and just feeling better. Before I got married, I made the decision to stop doing that. It's not that I don't trust my friends but I also know that confiding in them is in no way going to fix whatever situation my husband and I are going through.
How many times have you confided in a girlfriend, then you and your man resolve your issues and your friends brings the issue back up to you and you find yourself back in that negative place emotionally?
It's not that they are purposely trying to bring up old news, they could just be checking on you, but now you are mad all over again. Or maybe when you first confided in them, they were more mad than you were, which made you think you should have reacted differently or more harshly to your spouse. Unfortunately, even when well-intended, sometimes girlfriends can heighten disagreements between you and your partner. As much as you may just need a good venting session, try instead to write out your thoughts -- get everything you need to say out, every curse word, every bad name -- then delete it. Try talking to your spouse once you are calm and let him know how his actions affected you and really listen and try to understand his feelings as well. If you absolutely feel like you have to tell a friend, tell one that is non-judgemental and understanding so you know you won't be hearing about your fight weeks later from her.
3. Trust your gut.
I have an amazing intuition and my husband does as well. We know when we are lying. We know when something is wrong, even when the other one is smiling and seemingly happy. And we know when to give the other person space. As creepy as it may sound, my husband is literally like my twin; we share many of the same bad habits and we just seem to know each other deeply. In trusting your gut, you have to know what you should make a big deal over and what to let go of. You should also know that no girlfriend's advice is going to be greater than your own intuition and feelings. It doesn't matter what your parents, society, or best friend feels you have to do, you know what you feel is right in your marriage and what you can or cannot live with.
Look at your own moral compass and decide what situations are things you two can move past and what are deal breakers, and talk about them as the topics come up.
You chose your spouse for a reason. You loved him and decided that in some way your life would be even better if you marry him. Marriage, especially as millennials, will always come with a learning curve but if you married the right man, despite anything that can and will come your way, the good will definitely outweigh the bad.
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The cast was filled with eye-candy like McKinley Freeman, Michael Ealy, and Sean Patrick Thomas (Morris Chestnut was added to season two), and a few love scenes that will make you clutch your pearls. xoNecole had the opportunity to chat with the show’s leading lady, Emayatzy Corinealdi, about what we can expect in season two and how she balances keeping her joyful spirit and body-goals physique.
McKinley Freeman, Emayatzy Corinealdi, and Morris Chestnut
Photo by Robin L Marshall/Getty Images for ESSENCE
xoNecole: First, I have to say I’m a fan of the show and your story. I know how you moved to LA 20 years ago to chase this dream, and that world can be so tough while navigating life and motherhood. So, my first question is, how do you balance it all and maintain your well-being?
Emayatz Corinealdi: Girl, it’s just my faith. It helps me by realizing that I'm not perfect. I can't do it all. I realize it’s okay to make mistakes. Giving myself that grace really helps because I used to feel like I have to keep all of the balls in the air and everything has to be one particular way. Now, I’ve learned that I’m almost dishonoring my faith by believing that everything starts and ends with me, and I can just do the whole thing. I can't - well, I can't without letting it go and letting God. That’s really the key.
xoN: So let’s get into the show. What was it like playing a character that is inspired by a real person (Attorney Shawn Holley from the OJ Simpson trial)?
EM: I've only played an actual person in another film. But this isn't truly her, this is just inspired by Shawn Holley. But at the same time, I still want to represent because she is one of the baddest to ever do it. I have so much respect for her and she’s also an executive producer of the show. I want to make sure that I represent not only her, but all the Black women who are attorneys and work in this field. So in that sense, yes, it's always in the back of my mind.
xoN: Okay, so you know, here at xoNecole, we talk a lot about love and relationships. And Jax was in a very interesting love triangle. But it seems like, ultimately, she chose her safe place. I'm curious, personally, what's your thoughts on passion versus security in relationships?
EM: I really think you could have both. I don't think you need to make a choice in that. Ideally, you want to have a relationship where you’re interested and invested - not just settling for the security of things. That’s the route I suggest - not settling. But people have all kinds of reasons why they do things, so I'm never judging.
Ideally, you want to have a relationship where you’re interested and invested - not just settling for the security of things. That’s the route I suggest - not settling. But people have all kinds of reasons why they do things, so I'm never judging.
xoN: Now, can we talk about one of our favorite MCMs over 40, Morris Chestnut? I heard he’s joining the new season. Can you tell us a little about how your characters will interact?
EM: Well, where we left off on season one, Jax had this traumatic experience, with Damon's character. So now, Jax is trying to pick up the pieces because everything is in a state of disarray. She’s trying to find herself again. She feels like, ‘How did I not see this coming? I'm usually on it. I'm sharp. Why did I allow myself to get into this situation, you know?’
So she's asking all these questions when her friend needs her. But then, probably for the first time, Jax realizes she may not be fully able to do what she needs to. So she reaches out to who can get the job done. And that's where Corey comes in, played by Morris Chestnut.
xoN: Speaking of Jax, I don’t know how she has time but that woman is always running. But obviously, to keep that physique, you must personally have a strict exercise regimen too. Can you share a health and fitness tip for the girlies?
EM: Yes, Jax runs, and she's in shape. But I love to run as well! That was one of my favorite things about the character. There’s a huge hill by my house, and I run it about three or four times a week when I’m able – otherwise, it's one or two. But that's a large part of my mental health as well, just feeling good in my body and keeping that going. And I generally like to work out outside. I'll even take my weights and mats. I don't really like gyms, but outdoor workouts help me keep it together.
xoN: You mentioned mental health, last season touched on so many necessary conversations. Themes like abuse and mental health were addressed. Are there any other heavy themes being explored this season that we should prepare for?
EM: Definitely. Domestic violence is going to be a huge theme. Dealing with Janelle’s character, we're going to find out a lot more details about their marriage and how things played out, and what she was really going through.
xoN: Wow, that can be taxing. I’ll close with this: how do you protect your mental health? Would you mind sharing a key practice?
EM: I generally start every day with a devotional. That helps me set the tone for the day… Outside of that, I just center myself multiple times. Instead of allowing things to get me stressed out, I recoup and take moments back. I’ve found that to be helpful, especially when a lot of things are happening. Nothing will fall apart while you take that one second. And if it does, that's okay. I recommend just giving yourself grace.
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Feature image by Amanda Edwards/Getty Images for SAG-AFTRA Foundation