How To Survive Social Distancing If You're An Extrovert
I live in Nashville, TN. So, if you are aware of the tornadoes that we had in early March, you already know that those, on top ofthe coronavirus outbreak, have had us a little on edge—and slightly numb (understandably so, I might add). However, I'm pretty much an ambivert (which is kinda like the person folks might assume is an extrovert when they are actually more of an introvert) and an at-home writer. That pretty much boils down to the fact that self-quarantining is a lifestyle for me, even before Nashville's mayor issued a "Safer at Home" order to try and control the pandemic in my county.
The introverts in my world? Although the thought of being at home for weeks on end doesn't have them exactly turning backflips, at the same time, their attitude is more in the lane of "I mean, now is the time to work on a few projects and catch up on some reading." Oh, but the extroverts that I know? Bless their hearts. Literally. Some of them have expressed to me that they are on the verge of losing their minds, all because of how bored they are. I get it. A lot of their energy and inspiration comes directly from interacting with other people. That is being tested to the utmost these days.
It's another article for another time, how much we're going to need to tend to people's mental health once this storm passes because, as they say, no man is an island and human interaction is important. But while officials are trying to make sure that our physical health is the top priority (or at least some of them are; peep "Florida City Official Calls Out Mayor for COVID-19 Response". That commissioner is a hero. Straight up), if you are an extrovert—someone who is outgoing, hates to be alone, thrives in large groups, has lots of friends and is always up for a good party or event, etc.—who is trying your best to practice social distancing, yet, at the same time, you feel like you are low-key going insane without having some physical interaction, here are a few ways to make coping with this interesting time in our world's history a little easier to bear.
Talk Face to Face—Online or on the Phone
Because most of my counseling sessions are via the phone, I have a landline. It's also the number that my friends call me on. Matter of fact, the only time I do any real face to face chatting is when I'm speaking to my goddaughters. But whenever I do (in my case) hop onto Google Hangout, it really does feel almost like I am right there with them. I'm an Android kind of gal but, while I'm sure that most of you iPhone folks FaceTime often anyway, definitely amp the frequency up a bit during this time of social distancing. Also, when you're on your laptop or computer, hit up a platform like Skype (you can speak to up to 10 folks on there). It's not exactly like physical interaction, but in many ways, it's a wonderful alternative.
Use This Time to Host a Webinar
A webinar is basically a virtual event that is held online. A good example of one is the meeting some of the xoTribe recently had through our relatively new app recently. Basically, what happens is a speaker (or small group of speakers) makes a presentation to an online community who can then submit questions, answer surveys or interact with the speakers.
The cool thing about webinars is, not only can you hold events from the convenience of your own home, but it's an effective way to earn a few bucks in the process too.
If you're trying to build up an audience, you might want to do a few free webinars first. Then, once you've created a following, you can offer some exclusive content, some advance trainings or special product offers to those who are willing to pay for future webinars (by the way, you tend to make more money if you present paid webinars as a series and offer a bulk price). Webinars are a great way to "scratch the itch" of interacting with people while building your brand and (eventually) getting paid for it. If you'd like some tips on how to make your webinar one that really appeals to people, I've included some how-to videos here, here and here.
Download Some Extroverted-Friendly Apps
Apps. Lord, what would we do without them? Even if your smartphone is already loaded with a ton, I've got a few recommendations that were created with the extrovert in mind.
Meetup. If you want to use this time to meet new people or make new friends, Meetup may be the app that you've been looking for, perhaps without even knowing it. The features on the app make it possible for you to find local groups who have similar interests to you, whether it's books, yoga or cooking (those are just examples). Meetup makes connecting easier by letting you put in keywords to find exactly what you are looking for. You can use the app for personal or professional reasons—or both.
Tapebook. If you dig podcasts, then you will love Tapebook. It basically makes it possible for you to participate in social podcasting because you can either start of blog or vlog on your own via the app, or you can call up a friend and start recording the conversation that the two of you are having (with their permission, of course). You can then publish your tapes on the platform's Tapefeed for other members to check out. Since over 100 million people listen to at least one podcast a week, by downloading this app, you just might be onto something.
Whisper. Whisper is an interesting kind of app because you can speak as freely as you want with its 30 million members. Why would you take that kind of risk? Well, the true identity of people on the app is hidden. There are no friends or followers on the platform, but there is an open chat (it uses your location to help you bring others into your group). I know a lot of extroverts who like to get all kinds of random stuff off of their chest. If you're one of 'em, now you've got an app that'll let you do it. Anonymously.
Vero. If the ads and algorithms of apps like Instagram are driving you up the wall, you might want to give Vero a shot. According to the creators of the app, vero means truth and their app is a place where you can share all of the things that you like without all of the "extras" (like ads and algorithms) so that you can more easily connect to people who share your interests. From what I can see, it is "cleaner" (meaning, it has a lot less clutter) than a lot of social media apps do too. That alone can at least make it worth checking out.
Houseparty. One app that has gained a ton of popularity as of late is Houseparty. It lets up to eight people talk together. When you feel like interacting with people, you simply log on to the app and, if any folks on your list are available, they can join you. Generation Z is all about this app. Oh, if you're concerned about safety, Forbes wrote a piece on that very topic. Check out "Houseparty: Is The Hit Coronavirus Lockdown App Safe?" (from what I read, the answer is "yes").
Thrive As a Remote Worker
Boy, this social distancing/quarantining is having domino effects in ways that truly boggle the mind. For instance, the weekend that my city went into "Safer at Home" status, the adapter to my main laptop went on the fritz. In my mind, I thought to myself, "No problem. I'll just purchase a new one." Five stores later, I still had no luck. Why? Because due to the coronavirus and the need for social distancing, thousands and thousands of more people are working from home which means that thousands and thousands of more people are upgrading their computer equipment.
Anyway, if you happen to fall into the work-from-home category, another way that you can shine as an extrovert is to put your best foot forward on the professional front. See if your company uses sites like Slack and Buckets to stay organized when it comes to communicating with one another. Recommend using Zoom to participate in video conferencing.
Speak with your supervisor or manager about possibly starting a small online group that offers support to other co-workers who are also working from home; maybe the group can meet for an hour after work via a video platform to have a glass of wine and share stories—it can be like getting a drink at work only, everyone's at their own house. Or maybe lead an exercise group where everyone can workout together in the mornings via the same video platform.
The key is to use your extroverted nature to bring more joy and interaction to others—even if, for the time being, you have to rely on technology in order to do it.
Cross Online Dating Off of Your Bucket List
There is a network of Black actors who live in Cali who I dig. One of them goes by Minks and, I promise you that he had me crying recently while checking out his skits "HOOD STUDIO SESSIONS" and "UBER CHRONICLES PT. 5". So, when one of his recent offerings "QUARANTINED", I just knew that I had to check it out. I don't know what was funnier—him getting into a dance battle with the actual movie You Got Served, him throwing dollars at some strippers that he found on a television show somewhere, him playing Twister with himself, or him having a romantic dinner with an "I Love You" balloon (LOL). Anyway, that last one is a reminder that if you are an extroverted and single, another option is to try a little online dating.
The reality is that, these days, three out of 10 people do it and, in America, more than half of all relationships actually start online. If you're a little skeptical, talk to some of your friends who've done it before to get a feel for what they think about you creating a dating profile. Also, check out video features like "Online Dating as a PoC", "Is Online Dating Really THAT BAD For Black Women? Mask & Chat", "How we met on Tinder!" and "ONLINE DATING WORKS! Story of how we met!". If you want to know what apps are people-of-color-friendly, Dating Advice has a list (although again, you might want to confirm it with some friends who have used the sites). I mean, it beats talking to a balloon, right? Chile, here's hoping so.
Do Something Nice for Someone Else
A historian and playwright by the name of Howard Zinn once said, "Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world." Since, as an extrovert, you get a lot of your fuel by others, use this time of crisis to lend a helping hand.
If your city lets you go to the grocery store, offer to purchase something for the person in front of or behind you. If there is a senior on your block, ask them if there is anything that you can get for them while you're out. When you are ordering food for delivery, be intentional about giving a larger than usual tip to the driver who delivered it to you. You already know that the world is wearing the hell outta streaming platforms. Why not get a couple of friends an online gift card to their favorite one? Send someone you care about an email or text about how much you love and appreciate them. Play a few games on Free Rice; when you do, they donate rice to hungry people through the world (the site is free; so are the games that are on it).
Donate some of your time or talents and abilities to help someone get an idea off of the ground. If a customer service person who works for your electricity, cable or water company was especially nice and professional, ask to speak with their supervisor to let them know (because customer service people are hearing A LOT of complaints right about now). If you want to help an entrepreneur out, Kiva lets you give or lend money to ones all throughout the world. These are just some examples that, even if you can't directly interact with others, there are still ways to profoundly touch their lives. Like the rest of us, you'll survive this as an extrovert. It just takes thinking a little outside of the box. That said, please feel free to post comments if you've got other suggestions on how extroverts can survive social distancing as well. We'd love to hear 'em! In the meantime, remain safe, healthy and totally you!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
5 Ways To Overcome Depression As An Extrovert
Make Your Personality Type Work FOR You
How To Build A Personal Brand Based On Your Personality Type
Did You Know Certain Personality Traits Get More Sex Than Others?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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