

If You’re Single & Not Exploring Virtual Dating, It’s OK
I recently had a socially distanced hang out with a single friend and we shared our frustration with everyone wanting to know more if we were we virtual dating than they asked how we were faring with this time inside altogether. In the past few months, I've seen an overwhelming amount of "virtual dating" content for singles and quite frankly, I'm over it. Even in the midst of a global pandemic, the world and dating apps have made it clear that as a single person during this quarantine, your job is to date––not spend time with yourself, save money, learn how to bake an olive oil cake (that's next for me), but to find someone to spend your life with.
Still, I get it. Quarantine season hasn't decreased how much people longing for a romantic partner might want to have one. In fact, this time has invited feelings of loneliness and depression into some people's lives as they find themselves starving for human connection, especially those living alone. But, that's not everyone's reality. So while I understand the need for companies to speak to singles and let them know there is still a way to communicate with people while you're social distancing, if you choose to not participate in virtual dating, you should know that choice is just as acceptable.
If you're spending virtual time with a new bae or quarantined with someone special, that's great––but if you aren't, here are other things you can explore to expand your single life in quarantine.
Are you in touch with how you really feel?
Assessing how you're feeling should be a priority period, but we often overlook that for single women. We spend so much time learning how to be better partners, parents, and people that we often don't look out for what needs we could be neglecting to feel within ourselves. While I'll admit that too much alone time inside has been triggering, I can't ever say that sitting with my thoughts hasn't given me clarity on what I need and how moving forward, I can move through my feelings.
Do you want to be in a relationship at all?
I've realized that as much as I say I want to be in a relationship, this time alone has allowed me to be laser-focused on my goals in ways that I never had when I wasn't single, so I often wonder were my cries for companionship even necessary? I want love, and a family but I truly believe that there are instances in life where it needs to be about you, and only you - and that's where I am right now. Additionally, you should also ask yourself what type of relationship you desire to be in, what you desire from your partner, and what type of person you want to be to them, and for them.
Do you want marriage and/or kids?
As I've matured, so has my friend circle and I've come across many women who have never had the white dress Cinderella fantasies that many people (including myself) have had about marriage and being a mother. There are many women who feel full and lead full lives without ever wanting to add a partner or children to the equation. If you're single and feel mentally, emotionally, and financially prepared for children, perhaps it's time to ask yourself if that's something you desire at all.
What do you want your potential partner to know and love about you?
As a Black woman who is unlearning and embracing my duality, it's important to me that my partner loves every part of who I am. In past relationships, I walked away feeling like I often didn't let men see who I really was. There are men that I've dated that don't know I'm funny, or that I can sing but because I'm really shy I only do it around people that I feel safe with. For some time it bothered me to know that I've never felt like I could be my full self, and I never want to feel like that again.
Are you avoiding anything by not dating?
While there are moments in life that are meant for solitude, there is a point where avoiding enters the chat and you need to ask yourself are you single because you haven't found someone, or are you self-sabotaging due to trauma from past relationships, avoiding vulnerability, and replaying moments of pain that occurred during your childhood? Asking yourself those open-ended questions and allowing space and truth to answer them could be what's missing in your journey to meeting the person for you.
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Release Stress & Restore Harmony In Your Body With Shaking Meditation
When we reflect on our own path as women in light of the women who came before us, it’s easy to see that the loads we’ve carried haven’t always been the lightest. From everyday stresses to generational trauma with roots that are difficult to trace, one must ask where all that weight goes if we never release it.
The body holds the score for all the anxieties, worries, and unease that we’ve endured over time. Family and society often tell us to quiet our emotions, maintain a brave face, and keep our emotions bottled up within. But as we know, anything with too much pressure will eventually burst.
And while we are steadily discovering self-care methods like meditation to shed this emotional baggage, it may take a little more than sitting still in the quiet of our mind to let go of our deep-rooted tension. Fortunately, mindful movement could be an unexpected way for you to let go of worry and anxiety while building emotional resiliency, and such is the case with shaking meditation.
What Is Shaking Meditation?
Shaking meditation is a form of tension and trauma-releasing exercises or TRE that “assists the body in releasing deep muscular patterns of stress, tension, and trauma.” This series of exercises of muscular shaking and vibrating activates a natural reflex mechanism that releases muscular tension, thus calming down the nervous system and encouraging your body to return back to a state of balance.
“Shaking meditation can be powerful because it moves your body — and in Eastern medicine, we say that moves your chi,” says Jenelle Kim, DACM, L.Ac, a ninth-generation doctor of acupuncture and Chinese medicine and author of Myung Sung: The Korean Art of Living Meditation.
According to Dr. Kim, understanding chi helps us understand our bodies and how we're feeling mentally, physically, and spiritually. In Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), chi is known to represent your life force; it is the energy that flows through you and everything, and in many cultures, plays an essential role in our health.
“We have chi that moves in our blood and throughout our entire body; connecting our organ systems, muscles, and joints,” she tells xoNecole. “It allows everything to function and to be nourished. We know blood travels throughout our body through our circulatory system, but chi also travels through our body — much in the same way — through the meridian system. If you picture chi as vital energy, it moves the blood.”
It’s important for our body’s chi to stay in flow. When we go about our daily life with stress, trauma, or even mental injuries, our energy becomes stagnant. But various movement practices like Qigong or shaking meditation encourage your chi to circulate through your body which activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which “is in charge of telling our brain and body to calm down, relax, ultimately, let go,” Dr. Kim says.
As Black women, there are times in life when it feels like we bear the weight of the world on our shoulders, with few spaces to go when we need to lighten the load. But as Dr. Kim explains, because women are “naturally yin beings,” we take on more because we can handle more. “According to the energies of nature that have been passed down for thousands of years, women are more complex. And what that almost always means is that we can think a lot more.” And while that speaks to the resiliency of our being, it can have a negative effect on our bodies when we store more than we release.
“If we don't have ways of releasing this, it will ultimately affect our lives physically, mentally, and spiritually. Then it passes on to our children, and that's where we get generational trauma,” she says.
Although shaking meditation may be a new and unfamiliar practice, it’s one that could prove to be beneficial to those who have experienced trauma on an individual and communal level. The movements are simple to follow and accessible, and in a matter of minutes, you’ll feel more calm and relaxed, while relieving any anxiety, frustration, and tension inside of you.
So if you’re ready to restore harmony within your body, here are the steps to perform shaking meditation on your own.
How To Incorporate Shaking Meditation Into Your Daily Routine:
Step 1: “Stand with your feet hip-width apart. You can do this while sitting or standing — depending on your comfort level. Make sure all of your joints are soft, so nothing's locked.
Step 2: “Begin raising onto your tiptoes and falling back onto your heels. Not so hard to where you're shocking your spine, but enough to just kind of wake up your body. Repeat three to five times, dropping down onto your heels.”
Step 3: “Next, start with your hands first and shake them. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. Shake them and go up to your arms, to your elbows, and then up to your shoulders. Now your whole arms should be moving.”
Step 4: “Then you can start your legs, repeating the same shaking movement. You then move your feet moving, go up through your core, and then shake everything out through your head.”
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