Is Your Relationship Complicated? Simplify It With These Questions
There's a writer by the name of Fredrik Backman who once said something that, I think, is the perfect way to start all of this off— "Everything is complicated if no one explains it to you." Believe you me, if anyone has the T-shirt, bumper sticker and coffee mug for what it means to be in a complicated relationship with a man, it is I.
But as I sit and reflect on a semi-recent conversation that I had with a man who had once broken my heart into a million pieces—insert "Why You Should Be Grateful 'He' Didn't Choose You" here—after he reached out and I asked him, "What do you want?" (at this point?) and he had no answer (dude…really?!), I get that a part of why I had been hurt is because our relationship has always been complicated (difficult to analyze, understand, explain, etc.). The reason why that was the case is because I was more interested in being involved with him than focusing on what I should do to make my life—including my love life—simpler.
Back when I was all caught up in his and mine's hamster wheel, I didn't have enough sense—or even self-love, really—to look up articles like this one. But sometimes, life allows things to happen to us so that we are able to spare others the heartache, drama and wasted time.
Sis, if "complicated" (or some variation of that) is the best way to currently describe what you're in, love yourself enough to ask yourself the following six questions. Trust me, once you have the right answers in tow, you'll realize that things aren't nearly as complicated as you thought. You just have to decide if you want more/better or…not. It really is just that simple.
Did Things Start Off Complicated to Begin With?
GiphyYou know what they say—how relationships start can oftentimes provide a forecast for how they will remain. When it comes to what makes a relationship complicated, I'd say that some of the dynamics that top the list include friends with benefits, dating an ex, messing around with someone who's already in a relationship, getting involved in a long-distance relationship and seeing someone without having a clue about what you want (or don't want) from them or the relationship as a whole.
If you and "yours" happen to fit the bill as it relates to any of these dynamics, the first thing that you should do is sit down and have a chat about if how you started is how you want things to stay. If it's not, it's time to A) take things to the next level; B) take a step back and reevaluate or C) end things altogether. Something that all of these choices have in common is they simplify matters. Significantly so.
Are You Getting All That You Truly Want in a Relationship?
I haven't been on Facebook in years, so y'all would have to tell me if you can still state whether your relationship is complicated or not. What I do know is back when I was on social media and people would inbox me about their complex situations, more times than not, what was "difficult to analyze" is if they were truly getting what they wanted out of their situation or not. And, if they were willing to wait it out to see if things would change…or not.
If this is what has you stumped, a while back, I wrote an article on here entitled "Are You in Love or Are You in Need?" One way to tell the difference between the two is if you are remaining in something that isn't truly fulfilling you, just so you don't have to be alone (or without "him" on some level). Trust me, when you are staying with someone who isn't giving you what you desire, that is a form of self-betrayal. To keep ignoring this reality is complicating your life, to say the least.
If You Aren’t, Are You Compromising or Settling?
A female writer by the name of Elizabeth Kostova once said something that definitely garners an "ouch" response—"Recently abandoned women can be complicated." I don't know about you, but I know there have been times when the pain of a break-up was so excruciating that I would get involved in "something" with someone else, just so it could serve as a distraction. Usually, that something was a form of settling. And, since I knew I was settling, the relationship was complicated. Settling is always complicated.
How can you know the difference between compromising in order to make a relationship work and settling just so you don't have to be alone? Compromising usually involves being with someone who isn't perfect but, in many ways, is perfect for you. They add to your life, you add to theirs and you both work together to make it work. Settling is when you know, out the gate, that you're not getting all of what you need or want; still, you're putting up with "it" anyway because you've somehow convinced yourself that something is better than nothing. (See the drastic difference?)
Although Titles Aren’t Mandatory, Why Don’t YOU Have One?
I once read that couples who are into PDA aren't really doing it because they don't know how to keep their hands off of each other. It's actually because they want to show off; they want to prove to others that they have someone or that someone finds them attractive and appealing. Well, when a person pressures their partner to put a "title" on their relationship—especially once they are over 35 or so—sometimes I wonder if there are some deep-rooted insecurities going on there too. If both folks are clear about what's going on, is a title really all that necessary?
There is one exception to this. It's if what you're in is so confusing that you need a title for clarity's sake. If when you present this very point to the guy that you're seeing and he finds every way underneath the sun to deflect from the issue at hand. If that's what's going on, there's a big possibility that he doesn't want a title because he doesn't want the accountability that comes along with it. And if you choose to stay involved with someone who doesn't want to be held responsible for much, sis, "complex" is just the tip of the iceberg of the problems you've got in store.
When Friends Ask What Y’all Are Doing, Can You Easily Explain It?
GiphyA telling sign that a relationship is super complex is when the two people in it can't explain what the heck is going on in two sentences or less and/or there's a whole lot of awkward silence, followed by "I mean…", "It's kinda like", followed by sighs and other sounds of frustration.
When two individuals are on the same page about what they are doing and why, there is no confusion. Therefore, when one of their friends asks what's up, the answers are simply "We're dating", "That's my boyfriend", "We're taking it slow while we're figuring some things out" or even "That's my 'blue light special'" (my love uncle says that's someone who creeps in after dark and slips out before dawn). If you're not able to give a basic reply or you find yourself low-key poppin' off on your friend who's asking because you're basically embarrassed that you have no idea what's going on, it's time to ask your own self what you and he are doing. Then follow that question up with if that's good enough or not.
Is It Complicated? Or Are You Simply in Denial?
As I already shared, the last man to break my heart, in many ways, we were the walking definition of complicated. In fact, it wasn't uncommon for him to refer to me as "a complicated bird". Anyway, we had a recent chat, just to get everything out and see if there was anything worth salvaging, even on the platonic tip. Now that the rose-colored glasses are gone, as I was listening to him, I realized that our relationship wasn't complicated; I just didn't want to see everything for what it was. As relationship coach Derrick Jaxn recently said—and by "said", I mean warned— about men who tell us that we are too good for them even though they don't really want to let us go, "We confuse the presence of a conscience with the presence of a good person." (LISTEN.)
If you like a guy but all that he's giving you is sex, is the relationship complicated or do you simply not want to admit that you're not going to get much more out of him?
If you are seeing someone who told you that he loves you and he's not interested in anything serious, is the relationship complicated or are you simply refusing to take him at his word?
If you've been with someone for a couple of years now and nothing is progressing, are things complicated or do you simply not want to accept that things are stagnant because he has no long-term plans for you?
I know what it's like to think that something simple is complicated simply because I'm in denial. But you know what? The moment I started accepting the facts, truths and realities of what I was doing and what wasn't doing, the grey clouds in my head cleared up and life got oh-so-much simpler. Brighter too.
Ask yourself, point blank—is your relationship (or situationship) really all that "complicated"? Or are you not wanting to deal with your own facts, truths and realities? The answer to that will change everything for you. It will make things simpler too. I guarantee it.
Featured image by Getty Images
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Idris Elba Just Gave Us One Of The Best Relationship Ever
Love Is Patient. But Is Your Relationship Just Wasting Your Time
Knowing Your Partner's Love Language Can Transform Relationship
- To Keep Your Customers, Keep It Simple ›
- Five Factors God Used to Simplify My Complicated Marriage ›
- 20 Ways to Simplify and Improve Your Relationship for a Happier Life! ›
- Complex vs complicated? Better know the difference if you lead. ›
- Relationship status: Complicated 5 ways to simplify customer ... ›
- Technology Often Makes Life More Complicated. How Can You ... ›
- Do You Have a Complicated Relationship? Let's Simplify It | Slism ›
- Blog - How to Simplify a Complicated Relationship ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
I Tried Uche Natori's Full Glam Routine & It Leveled Up My Everyday Makeup Look
Mastering a full glam is a work of art. I’ve always watched in awe at the glam girls who truly knew what it meant to bring a face together. One of those women is Uche Natori. Her full glam makeup looks have caught the eyes of thousands across her social platforms. She is a master at providing easy, fun, and fabulous looks. Watching Natori’s makeup tutorials has inspired me to do the unthinkable - trying to master a full glam makeup look for the first time.
One thing about me is that I am a natural makeup girl. I enjoy using concealer on my needed areas, with a bit of blush and mascara to seal the deal. The “no makeup makeup” look has helped me feel my best for many years, and truthfully, I never learned how to do much else. I don’t know how to put on lashes or what it takes to master a good contour. The only thing I have learned in the beauty world is how to make my makeup look like my skin. Although I’m proud of my accomplishments, I think it’s time to build my skills and try to keep up with the “girls.”
A Trip To Sephora
After binge-watching Natori’s videos, I learned early on that I didn’t own most of the items she used. I made my way to my local Sephora to purchase the following: cream contour, powder, foundation, brown lip gloss, neutral blush, and refresh my concealer. Most of these beauty items were familiar due to my past makeup adventures. Powders were more of a learning curve. I typically like my makeup to be dewy and light, so I’ve always avoided using powders. In 2024, I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I had no idea there were different powders for different purposes. The Sephora employee kindly explained to me the difference while I melted internally.
Thankfully, we could navigate a lightweight powder I could use daily without feeling overwhelmed by the product. I continued to bask around Sephora as I selected items from my favorite brands—Fenty, Rare Beauty, Charlotte Tilbury, and more. Once, a confused woman in an overpopulated beauty store slowly turned into a kid in a candy store. It was safe to say I was having a time splurging on “Daddy’s money.” I mean, Daddy xoNecole.
Attempting To Be A Full Glam Girl
Fresh face
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
I made the decision to skip eyeshadow and lashes for my first attempt. I figured it would be better to master the art of good face makeup before moving to more advanced makeup techniques. It’s also important to note that I used Charlotte Tilbury’s Flawless Filter for my base to ensure I didn’t overwhelm my sensitive skin.
These decisions made going for a “full glam” less intimidating and more achievable.
Foundation
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
Foundation finish
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
I prepped the skin before starting and wasted no time going heavy-handed on the Flawless Filter, Fenty Beauty’s Cream Contour, and Dior Concealer—all brands Natori has used in past videos.
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
When applying contour and concealer, I had to rehydrate the skin. I learned very quickly how fast these items can dry on your skin. Natori typically applies a facial spray during her routine to keep her products hydrating, making them easier to blend. My skin welcomed my makeup again once I used the same technique with Milk Makeup’s Hydro Grip Setting Spray.
Concealer
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
Concealer finish
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
Blending began to become seamless, providing the perfect full face that I had always known I could achieve. Once finished, I locked in all my hard work with a traditional Sephora Setting Powder and continued to the next step.
Blush, bronzer, and lip gloss are my best friends. We’ve been going together real bad since my early 20s. Once I made it past securing a good face base, the rest of the makeup routine was familiar. I used NARS Laguna Bronzer to lock in my contour.
Bronzer
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
Blush
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
Adding a powder bronzer into my routine brought my face back to life and enhanced my facial features. To give my skin some radiance, I applied the Rare Beauty Blush In the color "Beige Peach."
Concealer after bronzer and blush
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
I added mascara, eyeshadow, and a lip to complete the look. At the very end, in very Natori fashion, I used one of her signature go-tos, the Patrick Ta Major Glow Balm.
The Results
The finished look
Celeste Polanco/xoNecole
I loved how my makeup turned out! I did a good job landing a good face base. A few areas that could be better are my blush and bronzer. I’m used to using a light hand, which makes my blush disappear in seconds. The point of a full-glam is for it to last! Moving forward, I will be fearless when applying blush and bronzer in hopes of longevity.
It’s safe to say Natori’s complete glam makeup looks are achievable for girls looking to step things up. Your inner glam girl goals are on the other side of your makeup brush, so pick your favorite Uche Natori makeup looks and get started!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Celeste Polanco/xoNecole