Is Your Relationship Complicated? Simplify It With These Questions
There's a writer by the name of Fredrik Backman who once said something that, I think, is the perfect way to start all of this off— "Everything is complicated if no one explains it to you." Believe you me, if anyone has the T-shirt, bumper sticker and coffee mug for what it means to be in a complicated relationship with a man, it is I.
But as I sit and reflect on a semi-recent conversation that I had with a man who had once broken my heart into a million pieces—insert "Why You Should Be Grateful 'He' Didn't Choose You" here—after he reached out and I asked him, "What do you want?" (at this point?) and he had no answer (dude…really?!), I get that a part of why I had been hurt is because our relationship has always been complicated (difficult to analyze, understand, explain, etc.). The reason why that was the case is because I was more interested in being involved with him than focusing on what I should do to make my life—including my love life—simpler.
Back when I was all caught up in his and mine's hamster wheel, I didn't have enough sense—or even self-love, really—to look up articles like this one. But sometimes, life allows things to happen to us so that we are able to spare others the heartache, drama and wasted time.
Sis, if "complicated" (or some variation of that) is the best way to currently describe what you're in, love yourself enough to ask yourself the following six questions. Trust me, once you have the right answers in tow, you'll realize that things aren't nearly as complicated as you thought. You just have to decide if you want more/better or…not. It really is just that simple.
Did Things Start Off Complicated to Begin With?
GiphyYou know what they say—how relationships start can oftentimes provide a forecast for how they will remain. When it comes to what makes a relationship complicated, I'd say that some of the dynamics that top the list include friends with benefits, dating an ex, messing around with someone who's already in a relationship, getting involved in a long-distance relationship and seeing someone without having a clue about what you want (or don't want) from them or the relationship as a whole.
If you and "yours" happen to fit the bill as it relates to any of these dynamics, the first thing that you should do is sit down and have a chat about if how you started is how you want things to stay. If it's not, it's time to A) take things to the next level; B) take a step back and reevaluate or C) end things altogether. Something that all of these choices have in common is they simplify matters. Significantly so.
Are You Getting All That You Truly Want in a Relationship?
I haven't been on Facebook in years, so y'all would have to tell me if you can still state whether your relationship is complicated or not. What I do know is back when I was on social media and people would inbox me about their complex situations, more times than not, what was "difficult to analyze" is if they were truly getting what they wanted out of their situation or not. And, if they were willing to wait it out to see if things would change…or not.
If this is what has you stumped, a while back, I wrote an article on here entitled "Are You in Love or Are You in Need?" One way to tell the difference between the two is if you are remaining in something that isn't truly fulfilling you, just so you don't have to be alone (or without "him" on some level). Trust me, when you are staying with someone who isn't giving you what you desire, that is a form of self-betrayal. To keep ignoring this reality is complicating your life, to say the least.
If You Aren’t, Are You Compromising or Settling?
A female writer by the name of Elizabeth Kostova once said something that definitely garners an "ouch" response—"Recently abandoned women can be complicated." I don't know about you, but I know there have been times when the pain of a break-up was so excruciating that I would get involved in "something" with someone else, just so it could serve as a distraction. Usually, that something was a form of settling. And, since I knew I was settling, the relationship was complicated. Settling is always complicated.
How can you know the difference between compromising in order to make a relationship work and settling just so you don't have to be alone? Compromising usually involves being with someone who isn't perfect but, in many ways, is perfect for you. They add to your life, you add to theirs and you both work together to make it work. Settling is when you know, out the gate, that you're not getting all of what you need or want; still, you're putting up with "it" anyway because you've somehow convinced yourself that something is better than nothing. (See the drastic difference?)
Although Titles Aren’t Mandatory, Why Don’t YOU Have One?
I once read that couples who are into PDA aren't really doing it because they don't know how to keep their hands off of each other. It's actually because they want to show off; they want to prove to others that they have someone or that someone finds them attractive and appealing. Well, when a person pressures their partner to put a "title" on their relationship—especially once they are over 35 or so—sometimes I wonder if there are some deep-rooted insecurities going on there too. If both folks are clear about what's going on, is a title really all that necessary?
There is one exception to this. It's if what you're in is so confusing that you need a title for clarity's sake. If when you present this very point to the guy that you're seeing and he finds every way underneath the sun to deflect from the issue at hand. If that's what's going on, there's a big possibility that he doesn't want a title because he doesn't want the accountability that comes along with it. And if you choose to stay involved with someone who doesn't want to be held responsible for much, sis, "complex" is just the tip of the iceberg of the problems you've got in store.
When Friends Ask What Y’all Are Doing, Can You Easily Explain It?
GiphyA telling sign that a relationship is super complex is when the two people in it can't explain what the heck is going on in two sentences or less and/or there's a whole lot of awkward silence, followed by "I mean…", "It's kinda like", followed by sighs and other sounds of frustration.
When two individuals are on the same page about what they are doing and why, there is no confusion. Therefore, when one of their friends asks what's up, the answers are simply "We're dating", "That's my boyfriend", "We're taking it slow while we're figuring some things out" or even "That's my 'blue light special'" (my love uncle says that's someone who creeps in after dark and slips out before dawn). If you're not able to give a basic reply or you find yourself low-key poppin' off on your friend who's asking because you're basically embarrassed that you have no idea what's going on, it's time to ask your own self what you and he are doing. Then follow that question up with if that's good enough or not.
Is It Complicated? Or Are You Simply in Denial?
As I already shared, the last man to break my heart, in many ways, we were the walking definition of complicated. In fact, it wasn't uncommon for him to refer to me as "a complicated bird". Anyway, we had a recent chat, just to get everything out and see if there was anything worth salvaging, even on the platonic tip. Now that the rose-colored glasses are gone, as I was listening to him, I realized that our relationship wasn't complicated; I just didn't want to see everything for what it was. As relationship coach Derrick Jaxn recently said—and by "said", I mean warned— about men who tell us that we are too good for them even though they don't really want to let us go, "We confuse the presence of a conscience with the presence of a good person." (LISTEN.)
If you like a guy but all that he's giving you is sex, is the relationship complicated or do you simply not want to admit that you're not going to get much more out of him?
If you are seeing someone who told you that he loves you and he's not interested in anything serious, is the relationship complicated or are you simply refusing to take him at his word?
If you've been with someone for a couple of years now and nothing is progressing, are things complicated or do you simply not want to accept that things are stagnant because he has no long-term plans for you?
I know what it's like to think that something simple is complicated simply because I'm in denial. But you know what? The moment I started accepting the facts, truths and realities of what I was doing and what wasn't doing, the grey clouds in my head cleared up and life got oh-so-much simpler. Brighter too.
Ask yourself, point blank—is your relationship (or situationship) really all that "complicated"? Or are you not wanting to deal with your own facts, truths and realities? The answer to that will change everything for you. It will make things simpler too. I guarantee it.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Everything You Want In Life Is On The Other Side Of A Venusian Upgrade
If you're an Astro girly to even the slightest degree, you probably know that Venus is the planet of love. But that's not all it is! Venus is also the planet of beauty, pleasure, and harmony. Now, what if I told you there's a way to harness that energy to live your best life, level up, and then some? The process is referred to as a "Venusian upgrade," a term coined by celebrity Astrologer Jade last summer.
And, while it will lead to sugar, spice, and all things nice – the main ingredient in this "upgrade" cocktail is hurt, pain, and upset (whatever it is that you call it when you get burnt). It's the equivalent of when that old flame dogs you out, makes a fool out of you, and you turn your tears into a healthy gym habit to flex on them.
However, according to Jade, the difference lies in the motivation – though we all seek revenge, this outcome is not and won't be for the gaze of those who hurt you – instead of being motivated by revenge, you're essentially motivated by abundance.
What Is a Venusian Upgrade?
"When I created 'A Venusian Upgrade,' I had the intention that I would put all vengeful and negative feelings into a positive transformation for myself. I've seen so many people struggle with transmuting energy – people who don't know how precious their life force is. Giving negative energy to others is taking away potential positive energy from yourself, and nothing ever really comes from it," she explained.
And, when I think about my personal experience with getting a better body in the name of making an ex pay for hurting me, she's absolutely right in that nothing positive comes of it; the attention mostly always leads to a toxic reconnection, interactions that cheapen and devalue you and your time, such as ex-sex.
Alternatively, when you commit to upgrading your Venus, it can lead to upgrades regarding "all things Venus," including relationships (platonic and romantic), finances, and appearance. All things that notably shifted for Jade since beginning this journey.
"Whatever it is that's hurt you in the past, that's hurting you now, or may hurt you in the future — give it to Venus. Put all of your negative feelings into something positive for Venus. Let the ugliness of pain turn you into something even more beautiful. Venus is directly tied to the metamorphic process in Astrology. It is a very natural thing to upgrade via looks, money, and relationships after a Venusian Upgrade."
"Whatever it is that's hurt you in the past, that's hurting you now, or may hurt you in the future — give it to Venus."
Jade speaks about her personal experience with upgrading Venus. She speaks about not being stifled by fear, which is not the same as being unafraid. After all, fear and even doubt are healthy – indicators you have a little sense. But, that doesn't mean you bow out. Seeing it through despite the fear is the faith the universe is waiting to reward.
Since undergoing her Venusian upgrade, Jade says she's "seen 10 times a return on investment through the inspiration" she's gained and the people she's met – inspiration and connections that unlocked her new life.
Much like anything else, you will need to invest in yourself – and this doesn't always necessitate a financial investment so much as a time investment or knowledge (i.e., taking the time to read this article on upgrading your Venus). "The main thing is time. Nobody likes delayed gratification. But, according to Venus, this is the best form of [gratification]! Taurus, a Venus-ruled sign, is the sign of the slow and steady. It represents patience. The best parts of Venus come through a patient process."
Jade reminds us that in traditional Astrology, "Venus represents a woman and a wife. Your Venus is like that; she's like the wife who requires your dedication, and in return, she graces your life with ease and beauty."
In any case of the "happy wife, happy life" mantra, "the happy wife" requires consistency. When the husband or opposite partner throws money at them once every blue moon to compensate for their distance or lack of consistency, it rarely makes the wife happy. According to Jade, it's the same in this scenario.
"Venus is the planet of 1:1 commitments, including to one's self," she continues. "You have to commit to the upgrades you want your Venus to have. You want better romance and friendships? You have to commit to investing in and improving those things. You want your income to improve? You have to commit to a trial and error process that lets you find out what's gonna provide your Venus with the sweetest return. This process takes time and dedication."
According to Jade, upgrading your Venus can look like a combination of any of the following:
- Elevate your every day. Dress like you’ve got somewhere to be every day instead of saving clothes for “special.” occasions. Think, Carrie Bradshaw but less obnoxious. Or, any one of the ladies on Girlfriends. Ditch the sweatpants and athleisure wear.
- Stop spinning the block on your ex. Get comfortable with leaving stagnant energy behind. This is one form of clutter but Jade recommends removing all clutter.
- Figure out your aesthetic, and correct color palettes – invest in those things. Perfect them.
- Don’t skimp on your beauty investments!
Curiously, I wondered about the way our own Venus placement shows up when seeking out a Venusian upgrade. Because in the same way we have a sun sign and moon sign, we also have a sign that accounts for every other planet – including Venus. But, no need to worry or delay your work by getting bogged down. Ultimately, the process is the same as "Venus is naturally connected to the transformation process, so it will hold this ability to upgrade and transmute no matter what sign it's in."
However, I imagine that knowing what sign your Venus is in will tell you the way you enjoy Venusian qualities. For this knowledge, Jade recommends looking into Astrology further by "learning about the house, then the sign, and then Venus as a planet." She adds, "Once you're done, you put it all together and reflect on how these things have played out in [your] life."
lambada/Getty Images
Giving your life a Venusian upgrade is not a concept you hear of frequently; it's only been recently, through Jade's work, that I've heard of it. Since its inception, there have been a few people who have felt inspired to echo Jade's work. What's more, is that the timing of Jade's discovery seems to be perfectly aligned with the recent transit of Pluto moving into the sign of Aquarius – where it will stay for the next 20 years.
But, wait, what do Venus and Pluto have to do with one another? That's what I wondered, myself.
"In Astrology, we know that the 4th house is the anchor of the chart. It's the house (area of life) that holds everything together at the bottom. During Pluto in Aquarius, the sign of Taurus (ruled by Venus) will act as this anchor. We can see this through the lens of derivative Astrology, but that's a whole other convo. Taurus being the anchor means that all things related to Venus come into play."
In turn, the things that Venus stands for also become anchors – beauty, relationships, and harmony.
Etsy
"Money becomes an anchor more than ever. Beauty becomes a stronger anchor. One-on-one relationships, and how harmonious they are, become paramount. These are the things that will hold us down at the bottom of it all during Pluto in Aquarius."
She further explains that this transit will highlight the "haves and the have-nots" in ways that make upgrading our Venus essential to not only surviving but thriving through this transit. Holding no pouches, Jade points out that in the absence of an upgraded Venus during this time, "you'll experience the other side of what I mentioned. Broke, ugly, and lonely. We don't want that."
One thing I know is that being bombarded with this information can be a lot, but I implore everyone to take a deep dive into Jade's social handles. All of this information is readily available. By her own admission, she's provided a step-by-step guide on the Venusian upgrade process before you ever pay a penny for her e-course.
I don't know about you, but the concept of the Venusian upgrade really excites me because, unlike the broader approach of manifesting, this feels more familiar and attainable. From a young age, my mom always told me she was motivated by people telling her she wouldn't be successful, and I've always adopted that mindset. Thus, I've been motivated to create the life I want for myself by tapping into people's projections or fears.
I've always thought this way on some level. Breakup? Cool, watch me show you what you're missing. And I go hard until I forget the initial purpose and remember myself. So, when I say it feels more attainable, I'm aware that I haven't been doing it completely correctly. Still, it's rather simple to reframe the mindset from being motivated by vengeance to being motivated by self-actualization.
From where I’m sitting, the Venusian upgrade is the only love spell (not literally) you’ll ever need.
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