Do you ever experience moments where, after the day is done, you reflect on certain conversations that came up and you're like, "How did I find myself so passionately involved in that?" Since I work in the field of relationships, while all of this is kind of an occupational hazard for me, I must admit that a recent two-plus hour discussion about the Dwayne-Whitley-Byron (you know, from A Different World) triangle was IN-TER-EST-ING. The bottom line is a guy was talking about how much Whitley would've been better off with Byron; that even Dwayne said so. Meanwhile, I was like, while their lifestyles may have complemented one another better (at least at the time of the engagement and wedding), no one should ever have to convince themselves to be with someone else and, while Whitley was dating Byron, she did that, more times than not — including the night before and day of her (attempted) nuptials to him.
If you've never seen any of what I'm talking about before, a YouTube clip of Dwayne interrupting the ceremony is here. Yet honestly, even if you are totally unaware of what I'm talking about or you're not a fan of the show (what in the world?!), all of what I'm saying is really just a backdrop of the topic that we're gonna tackle today. Because between those three and a lot of my clients, I can assure you that far too many people make it a point and practice to convince their own selves to romantically remain with someone. And if you bear with me, I'm about to share how and why that's so not a good thing. Not. At. All.
SIGN #1: You’re “Aight” Yet Not Satisfied
Listen, I will be the first to say that one of the biggest problems that a lot of people have is they worship the god of "being happy" instead of focusing on saying and doing what will make and keep them mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. I'm so resolved about this, in fact, that I recently wrote an article about it for this platform entitled, "I've Got 6 Solid Reasons To Put Being 'Healthy' Over Being 'Happy.'" Along these same lines, I also believe that many people end up sabotaging what could be really solid relationships because they spend way too much time having a "fairy tale mentality" instead of approaching things from a realistic point of view. And when it comes to this particular point, what I mean by that is it is extremely unrealistic to believe that you are going to get everything that you want from another person (or that you'll be able to provide that for them). At the same time, I'm all about folks making sure that they feel satisfied with where they are and who they are with.
Feeling satisfied isn't about every whim being met. Feeling satisfied is about feeling content and content is about being good with the way things are, having peace of mind, and being willing to fully accept the circumstances that you are in — not one of these things…all of them. Something that I tell many of my clients is if you're constantly trying to change someone, if you can't relax and be present in your relationship, and/or if you are always complaining about your situation, yet you then turn around and say your relationship is on solid ground, you are in a serious state of self-denial.
Far too many of us are out here treading in water instead of swimming, even when it comes to relationships. It really can't be said enough that satisfaction should be a state of mind that all of us should be in when it comes to who we are with. Are you?
SIGN #2: You Love…You’re Not IN LOVE
A couple of years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, "Like, Love & In Love: How To Really Know The Difference." One of the points I hit on is the fact that, by definition, you can't really be "in love with" someone alone. That's because the word "in" literally means "in or into some place, position, state, relation, etc." while "with" means "accompanied by; accompanying". So yeah, for two people to be in an "in love" situation, both parties have to be on the same page.
That doesn't mean you can't love someone on your own, though. And sometimes, that love can cause us to think that we're in love; especially if the person we're with feels stronger about us than we do. Case in point. A wife that I know has been struggling in her marriage, shoot, since day one. When I asked her why she isn't more aggressive about requiring that her husband get help (there's no abuse; he's just someone in need of some therapy to get some real emotional intelligence going), she said, "I don't know. I do know that I'm in love with him, though." I challenged that by asking, "If the two of you didn't have kids together, would you stay?" and when she said, "Probably not," I said, "Most of the people I know who are in love are, come hell or high water. So, are you in love? Are you really?" She was silent after that.
I should've said in the intro of this that this article is mostly for singles (meaning if your current tax records reflect that as being your relational status) because the advice that I have for married folks on a subject like this is very different because I see that kind of relationship very differently (check out "What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?"). What I will say, for now, is "love" is not the same as "in love" and if you have to tell yourself otherwise, you are someone who should read this article all the way through.
You know, a wife once told me that the night before her wedding, to her second husband (who is now an ex-husband), she knew she wasn't in love with him. When she told him that, he said, "I've got enough love for the both of us." Only people who are hooked on romance novels and Hallmark movies think that's romantic. The rest of us know that is a red flag like a mug. No one can make up for the love someone else doesn't have. So, if you've been trying to "fake the funk" in this lane…one way or another, a crash is up ahead. Don't say I didn't warn you. You're either loving or in love. Which is it?
SIGN #3: You Defend the Relationship More than Praise It
Some of y'all are in a ridiculous pattern and you know it. On one hand, you want your friends to totally have your back as you constantly complain about your partner and the issues within your relationship. Then, when you're over it (or you've at least convinced yourself to be that way), you want them to act like they didn't hear all of what you just said. And while you're now trying to convince them, for the umpteenth time, that things really are better than what you said that they were, just a few days ago, your homies are like, "Yeah. OK, girl."
A part of what comes with being a good friend is supporting your tribe. No doubt. A part of what comes with being a mature human being is truly getting that relationships have ups and downs, no doubt about it. Still, if your peeps are really paying attention, they are going to take note of how much you are complaining and then defending your relationship as opposed to singing the praises of your guy and how things are going. And listen, if the split tends to consistently be 60/40 in the favor of complaining and defending, you already know that I'm gonna say that that ain't good. In fact, the defending that you're doing is alerting you to the fact that you're not as fulfilled as should be. Please don't ignore that.
SIGN #4: You’re Turning into a “Time Fighter”
A movie that I've watched, Lawd, who knows how many times isPrime (Meryl Streep, Uma Thurman, Bryan Greenberg). Anyway, when the main guy character's best friend finds out that he's dating a significantly older woman, he calls her a "time fighter." Now, before some of y'all get triggered to high hell, his reference has some validity to it. Sometimes, when an older woman is dating a younger man, the challenge can be that they are in two very different seasons of life. Because of that, she can end up trying to push him, manipulate him, or CONVINCE HIM to move into marriage or children before he is ready. Why? Because she doesn't have the same kind of time that he does to play around.
Another example of "time-fighting" is you have a one-, two- or five-year plan that causes you to treat your partner like an "add water and stir" type of thing. What I mean by that is, it's not so much that you think "he's" the best match for you…you simply don't want to start over and so you decide to make — and by "make", I mean force — it to work, so that you can avoid the fear of having to start all over again.
If there's one thing that you should definitely avoid, it's trying to rush time. Whether it's a marriage timeline, your biological clock (check out "Tick Tock: How To Get Over The Fear Of Your Biological Clock"), an upcoming opportunity that could require you to move out of state, or anything else that's got you feeling like you're in a race against the clock, time flying by is not a good enough reason to stay with someone or pressure them because there are many married people who will vouch for the fact that rushing to the altar can sometimes result in time standing completely still, miserably so, after saying "I do" (check out "7 Men & 7 Women Tell Me Why They Think Their Marriage Ended").
SIGN #5: You Continually Overlook That “Gut Feeling”
Gut instincts. Yes, there is something to be said for their accuracy. There is also something to be said for people who mistake "their gut" for actual projecting based on past experiences or unresolved issues (check out "When You Should Trust Your Gut & When You Shouldn't" and "So, Experts Have Something To Say About Your Intuition's Accuracy"). With that being said, I once had a boyfriend who I definitely convinced myself to be with. I wasn't attracted to him. He didn't have any money. We were good as friends yet didn't really gel so well beyond that. Yet I stayed for years because I ignored my gut saying, "He's a good guy just not my good guy" and tried to make it work because of the first part of that sentence. Then, as the whispers in my mind kept getting ignored, one day someone in my family said, "There are two things I know about [insert name here]. One, he's a really nice guy. The other is he's not for you."
I don't know what it is that causes us to want to tell our conscience or gut that it doesn't know what it's talking about because if everything was copacetic, neither would have much to say. You know, I once heard a mental health expert define our gut instinct as "having an immediate understanding of something". If you know that you've been arguing with your understanding of what you need vs. what you're settling for or what is doable vs. what is best, WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? Your gut is trying to get you to realize what would be a better option. Respect it enough to silence your "pushback" and actually listen.
SIGN #6: Deep Down, You Know You’re Making Too Many Concessions
Something else that I'm a firm believer of is if a person is selfish, stubborn, unforgiving, controlling, or inflexible, they are far better off not being in a serious dynamic because, if there's one thing that a relationship requires, it's a semi-constant compromise — and sometimes, that compromise requires making some concessions. At the end of the day, all a concession means is you're willing to yield and all yielding is about is giving in…being flexible. While on the surface, this is all well and good, what you have to stay on top of is a quote by the late philanthropist Howard Hughes — "Once you consent to some concession, you can never cancel it and put things back the way they are."
As it applies to this particular topic, if you keep yielding either 1) without your partner doing the same on some level or 2) beyond your better judgment, you could find yourself bending to the point of literally breaking down. Because, after all, making concessions should be about doing what is needed in order to benefit the relationship overall — not damn near killing yourself, just so your partner can be happy.
I don't know any better way to close this out than with this point. If you are making so many concessions that you are losing yourself, you aren't even really at peace in your relationship or you can't remember your own wants anymore, that's another pretty telltale sign that you are convincing yourself to remain with him — and when you are losing yourself or your needs in order to keep a man, how is that possibly worth it? Like…ever? Helpful hint: IT AIN'T.
Yeah. All of that energy that you're putting yourself into convincing yourself to stay with ole' boy? How about redirecting it towards convincing yourself that you shouldn't have to do all of that. Relationships require an effort but it shouldn't be to constantly talk yourself to stay with someone. So, why are you doing it? Straight up, sis.
For more love and relationships, features, dating tips and tricks, and marriage advice check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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You'd Be Amazed How Much These 10 Essential Oils Can Give You Some Blissful Sleep
If you’re someone who has a sleep routine (or you’re seriously thinking about creating one), please make sure that you incorporate scent into it. Although things like a cooler temperature in your bedroom, incorporating nature sounds (like rain or ocean waves via a sound machine or even a YouTube channel) and even sipping on some tart cherry juice are proven ways to get you the quality of rest that you’re after, science says that your sense of smell shouldn’t be overlooked.
In fact, aromatherapy is quite powerful when it comes to promoting calm and relaxation, helping to put you into an optimistic mood, reducing stress, preventing insomnia, and improving how soundly you are able to sleep throughout the night. And so, since I’m such an essential oils fan (and I truly am!), let’s get into 10 that will help you to rest well — thanks to the way that they smell along with a few other benefits that they are able to offer you too.
Essential Oils for Better Sleep
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1. Lavender
When it comes to essential oils that are best for you in the “rest and relaxation department,” lavender may be the most popular one. That’s because it is well known for doing everything from reducing pain and inflammation and making menstrual cramps less intense to lowering anxiety and increasing your melatonin levels. On a super scientific note, something else that’s cool about lavender oil is it works with your body’s neurotransmitters in order to reduce restlessness if you happen to be someone who doesn’t sleep soundly due to tossing and turning all throughout the night.
2. Cedarwood
Although I’ve always liked the earthy scent of cedarwood, something that caused it to earn my respect was reading about how it’s an all-natural way to improve the attention span of children who’ve been diagnosed with autism and ADHD. Beyond that, as far as calming oneself goes, cedarwood oil is able to soothe arthritic discomfort, reduce coughing (if a cold is what’s keeping you up), decrease the itchiness and irritation that comes with eczema, lower your stress levels, and, yes, improve your quality of sleep if you’re someone who happens to rest yet not really…rest well.
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3. Patchouli
Another oil that has a solid reputation for decreasing bodily inflammation is patchouli. Some other things that make it stellar are the facts that it helps to ward off depression-related symptoms (if that is what keeps you up at night), puts you in a better mood, boosts your immunity (so that being under the weather doesn’t prevent you from catching some zzz’s) and it even intensifies your libido — ‘cause chile, ain’t nothin’ like the sleep that you get after having an orgasm…or two. Oh, and it absolutely must go on record that patchouli oil also acts as a sedative if you’ve been dealing with insomnia as of late as well.
4. Marjoram
Women who are looking for an all-natural way to regulate their hormones (check out “5 Signs Your Estrogen Is Too High. 5 Signs It's Too Low.”) might want to speak with their doctor (or homeopath) about trying marjoram oil. Some research says that it can help to balance hormones which can make PMS and the latter stages of perimenopause more tolerable (which can make falling and staying asleep easier to do too). Marjoram is also helpful when it comes to reducing pain, easing digestion, and alleviating anxiety.
Plus, since marjoram is an oil that is high in magnesium and magnesium is a nutrient that can help you to get to sleep, stay asleep, and then wake up feeling refreshed — so long as you’re not pregnant or breastfeeding (you should consult your doctor first if you are because it can sometimes produce side effects in your case), you definitely should give marjoram a shot.
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5. Ylang Ylang
Typically, when I think of the essential oil ylang ylang, what comes to my mind is how it can make for a very eventful evening…if you catch my drift (check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm”); however, it can actually help you out in more areas of your life than just your bedroom. Ylang ylang is another oil that helps to reduce pain and anxiety. Something else to keep in mind about ylang ylang is if you’re having a hard time falling asleep due to something like a headache or even respiratory issues, putting a couple of drops into a diffuser could bring some relief. That’s because ylang ylang is also classified as being a sedative — one that can even help to lower the blood pressure in your bae (healthy men) if need be.
6. Fennel
As a doula, something that I’m well aware of is the fact that fennel seeds can help (some) mothers to produce more breast milk. It doesn’t stop there, though. If sleep is evading you due to gas or constipation, fennel oil can help you out there. Some scientific research also says that it’s the kind of oil that can help you feel less anxious if you’re trying to rest after a long hard day. And, since fennel is known for making sleeping better when it’s in tea form, I don’t see why it wouldn’t do the same thing as an essential oil too.
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7. Valerian Root
If you’re looking for the kind of essential oil that will help you to relax, on pretty much every level, look no further than valerian root. The properties in it are going to help to calm your nervous system, soothe headache tension, lower your stress levels, decrease menstrual cramp discomfort, bring relief to hot flashes (that come with perimenopause) and yes, it’s an all-natural approach to insomnia as well. Although many choose to use it in supplement form, applying valerian root oil to pressure points like your feet can also provide a very relaxing and impactful effect.
8. Jasmine
If you check out my article, “8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last” from back in the day, you’ll see that jasmine is another essential oil that is considered to be a pretty potential one if you’re looking to boost you (or your partner’s libido). I get why too because its floral-meets-fruity scent can be quite sensual. Beyond the bedroom, jasmine can help you to feel less stressed and anxious, experience less menstrual-related discomfort, and make you feel less depressed — and yes, it contains properties that qualify the oil to be a sedative. This is especially the case if you blend it with another soothing essential oil like lavender.
9. Clary Sage
If pretty much nothing but perimenopause symptoms are what’s keeping you awake at night, you might want to keep a bottle of clary sage oil on your nightstand because it can help to decrease night sweats by naturally “leveling out” the estrogen that may be on a bit of a roller coaster ride in your system right through here. Other things that this oil can do is reduce stress and help to relax your system. Not to mention the fact that if menstrual cramps are what’s keeping you up, some women say that rubbing some of the oil (add a carrier oil like sweet almond or avocado to the oil to dilute it a bit, please) to your abdominal region can provide quite a bit of relief.
10. Vetiver
Final one. In my opinion, it’s kind of surprising that vetiver essential oil isn’t mentioned more in the holistic care space. For starters, it has been celebrated for providing support for children with ADHD as well as decreasing nervousness and anxiety in adults. Some other ways that this oil can benefit you is it’s the kind of aphrodisiac that raises testosterone levels while lowering cortisol ones (cortisol is a stress hormone that’s in your body) which can intensify orgasms and promote great rest — and yes, it’s also mentioned quite often in the sleep-inducing space.
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You know, I once read that since 2010, the amount of people who rely on sleeping pills to get to sleep has pretty much doubled. Since the side effects of the long-term use of over-the-counter sedatives include things like headaches, muscle weakness, digestion issues, and even louder snoring and sleeplessness, consider trying one of these essential oils before popping a pill. As you can see, not only can certain oils help to lull you to sleep — but they can help in so many other areas too. Happy resting, chile.
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