6 Signs You're A Sexually Mature Woman
Last spring, I wrote a piece for the site entitled, "What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be". If you're rushing and you just want the list that I provided, it's this: passionate, creative, fulfilling, emotionally mature, reciprocal, consistent, private and real. I still very much stand by those points. But the reason I'm opening this up with that article is because I must admit that when I sat down to write this one, I thought about back when I was a teen mom director for a nonprofit and how often the teenagers in there would tell me how "grown" they were. They'd say that they were having children because they were grown or that they were having sex without protection because they were grown. They'd say that they didn't need any of my advice because they were—yep, you guessed it—grown.
While grown and mature can seem like they are one and the same, that's not 100-percent the case. Grown is oftentimes about how something (or someone) appears to be, while maturity usually can't be faked. Circumstances and situations can easily reveal if a person is truly mature or immature. And when it comes to whether a woman is sexually mature—sexually developed mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally—I wanted to take out a few moments to provide some examples that are dead giveaways so that you can make choices based on being mature and not just…grown.
1. You Have Sex Because YOU Want to…First
While sex is a game that, at least most times, two can play, it's important that you partake in it because you want to more than anything else. I can't tell you how many times I've literally talked someone off of some sort of low self-esteem ledge, all because they had sex with someone, believing that, if they did, that would make the guy want them more or even feel the same way that they do. Not only is that a HUGE gamble (peep this All Def Digital skitSmash or Pass to get an idea of what I mean; sex really can be nothing but a physical act for a lot of people), but real talk—you're better than that. Empires have literally risen and fallen because of the power that lies between a woman's legs. Or, as a wise older woman once said, "You're sitting on a million dollars and giving it away for a Happy Meal." Unfortunately, we think the prize inside of that meal is a man's heart.
A sexually mature woman is fully aware that sex is something that isn't merely "for a man"; it's something that should be enjoyed, to the utmost, by both individuals. And since she is responsible for herself, it's important that she participates, more than anything, because she wants to. Not because it's expected of her, not because she's being pressured into doing it, and not because it will get a man to do what she wants him to outside of the bedroom. It's very immature—and by that, I mean underdeveloped—to believe otherwise. Please avoid this dangerous way of thinking.
2. You Don’t Use Sex As a Tool of Manipulation
"Coochie coupons". That's what I call them. If I get some push-back on this, that's fine, but it really bothers me when I hear a woman strategize getting something that she wants by using sex, or even worse, advising that other women do the same. You know, saying something along the lines of, "Girl, if you want him to get you those shoes, all you gotta do is give him some." Umm, does everyone know what the definition of prostitution is? It's engaging in sexual activity for money (or something that money can buy). Period. So naw, I'm not a big fan of going into the act of sex with a "give to get something monetary or tangible" mentality. No matter how you dice it, it's a form of manipulation (to put it nicely) and that is never a good look.
Am I saying that sex doesn't release stress and bring two people closer together which can result in a partner wanting to bless their companion? Indeed, it can. But how would you feel if a guy's only or even main reason for having sex with you was so that he could emotionally manipulate you or take advantage of you? Doesn't feel very good, does it? So, why would you do that to your partner?
Sexually mature people don't use sex as a tool to control someone; they use sex as a way to connect with them. Anything else is a bonus. NOT their motive.
3. You Are Able to Separate Good Sex from a Healthy Relationship
Guys know that many of us—not all, but many—have a hard time separating our heart from our parts. So much in fact that one guy I know—who has at least eight kids by four different women, last I checked—once told me that the way he was able to get out of paying child support was by continuing to sleep with all of the mothers of his children. It's not because he loves them; it's because it's his way of blurring the lines and preventing them from seeing matters clearly.
I once heard R&B singer Tank say in a pretty infamous interview (I don't feel right hyperlinking it; it's just that notorious) that he used to be known for having sex with women like he had been knowing them and was in love with them for years, even if that couldn't be further from the truth. He ain't the only man who's wired that way. That's one of the main reasons I wrote articles like "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner", "We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'", and "Experts Believe Passion (Not Love) Makes Sex Better. You Agree?"
I know what it's like for sex to be so outstanding that you think your partner is good for you simply because they might feel good to you (some of y'all will catch that later). But experience (first) and maturity (second) have taught me that there is a difference between climaxing and intimacy and, just because a man is good in bed, that doesn't automatically make him a worthy candidate for a relationship. If you don't believe me, check out a few episodes of the podcast,Advice From A F*ck Boy. If that doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.
4. Your Entire Self-Worth Is Not Based on Your Sexiness or Sexual Performance
Although I am a big fan of linking sources, something else that I'll spare you from is a tweet that I recently saw—one that, as much as I read, research, and talk about sex, still had me over here like, "Wow. Really?" At my age (45), it's hard to tell the difference between what 15 and 20 looks like at this point, but what I do know is the girl on the video was young. What I also know is whoever filmed her performing fellatio on—wait for it—a gas nozzle (she even took the time to put a whole condom on it) is NOT her friend. Shoot, the girl doing the act isn't her own friend, either. As I was reading the comments, what I noticed is a lot of folks were calling her a clout chaser. Perhaps. But the first thing that came to my mind is how much she must base her self-worth in her sexuality.
Is that an extreme example of this particular point? Lord, I hope so. But let's not act like sex doesn't sell and that a lot of women base their self-esteem on how sexy they are or on how good their sexual performance may be. I know I used to be that way. It actually took becoming abstinent to realize that being told that I'm sexy is nice and being told that I ain't too shabby in bed is cool, but if a man doesn't see my worth and value beyond that, something is very dysfunctional within our dynamic. More importantly, if I don't see my worth and value beyond that, something is very, very awry within myself.
5. Your Sex Life Is Part of Your World but It Doesn’t Consume It
One definition of mature is "completely developed". Now, I talk about sex…a lot. I mean, a lot. But it's still considerably less than I used to. One day, when I took out a moment to ponder why that was the case, I realized it was because I used to always lead with the thing that I felt the most comfortable with and confident in. I was knowledgeable about sex, I had been told that I was good at it and, my self-esteem at the time was constantly looking for ego boosts so—sex, sex, sex is all that would come out of my mouth. But as I began to nurture other parts of my being, I saw how immature that way of thinking and approach was—how immature it is to be a one-dimensional being, period. Because, again, to be mature is to be developed and a completely developed person brings more than one topic or issue to the table. They don't always lead with just one thing and they encourage their own selves to expand their horizons.
If you choose to look at sexual maturity, just from this angle alone, and then think about how much sexually related stuff that you see on Instagram on a daily basis, it might make you wonder how many sexually mature people actually exist. The good news is you have the power to be one of them—and then to model what that looks (and acts) like to others.
6. Your Holistic Health and Well-Being Trumps Everything
A couple of years ago, I wrote "Each Of My 14 Sex Partners Taught Me Something New" for the site. While I get that everyone might not want to put their entire sex life on blast, I do recommend doing a little sex journaling on the topic. For one thing, make no mistake about it, soul ties are very real. It's a good idea to take "inventory" on how your sex partners and patterns have and/or are affecting you. Another reason why it's a good idea is because, we're all sexual beings. Because we consist of a mind, heart and body, sex affects all three.
That said, oftentimes, there is "sexual imbalance" (if not straight-up mayhem) in our lives because we lack the wisdom, insight and yes, maturity to realize if there is a sexual activity or sexual partner who is only benefiting one part of us, they're not really doing us much good.
An example of where I am coming from is, if sex is good to your body but it's got you constantly stressed out and heartbroken too, at the end of the day, it's not doing you much good at all. Sexually immature individuals ignore this fact while sexually mature people tend to nip the sex in the bud because nothing is worth sabotaging their holistic health and well-being. Sexually mature people know that good sex is easier to come by than finding oneself after it's been "lost" in another person.
I'll be the first to say that sex is beautiful, breathtaking and magnificent. But it's this and so much more when the two people having it are sexually mature. When they approach sex from the angle of being emotionally well-developed, spiritually cultivated and mentally sound. This year, make it a goal to either become or remain a sexually mature woman. Then require that your partner be nothing less. Feel me? Something tells me that you totally do.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.
10 Things Couples Who (Consistently) Have Great Sex Do
These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom
Feature image by Shutterstock
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- My Eureka Moment For Why I'm Not Into 'Nice Guys' - xoNecole ... ›
- A Conversation With Gabrielle Union On Black Sexuality, Marriage ... ›
- I Went To Negril And Got Naked - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love ... ›
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- What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage ›
- Sexual Compatible Sexual Compatibility Meaning - xoNecole ... ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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These 11 Married Couples Share Their Keys To Long-Term Marital Success
The late actor Audrey Hepburn once said something that I think a lot of married couples who have at least 10 years under their belt will agree with: “If I get married, I want to be very married.” In my mind, this means very committed, very complementary, and very willing to go the distance — otherwise, what’s the point?
Really, what’s the point?
Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
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Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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