7 Signs You've Got A Healthy Marriage (3 Signs You Don't)
Oh, it's a controversial concept, I already know. But personally, I think a lot of people worship at the god of happiness. What I mean by that is, so many people end commitments, quit projects, abandon promises, all because they aren't "happy" anymore. But what life is teaching me is it's far more beneficial to focus on making sure that I'm involved with people, places, things and ideas that are healthy for me than focusing on making me happy. For one thing, happiness is an emotion, people are flawed and this world isn't perfect. This means that there are definitely going to be times when I am unhappy; it doesn't matter how great someone or something is, that is a given. Secondly, I agree with a lot of what a Harvard psychologist once said about people's preoccupation with happiness. He said that, "People who are obsessed with being happy tend to wind up less happy than everyone else." A part of the reason is because experiencing other emotions isn't bad or wrong. It's simply a compass to help us to address certain things, assess certain things and, where needed, change certain things.
This is (a part of the reason) why I'm also far more concerned about whether or not a marriage is healthy over whether two people are always happy. Healthy, by definition, means sound, vigorous and prosperous; especially mentally. Life happens. Some of it is going to make us feel quite unhappy. But what makes a husband and wife exceptional is when, even during the tough times, what they care about most, is how healthy they are as individuals and how healthy their bond is as a marital union. Here are seven signs of what a healthy marriage looks like—and three signs of what the opposite of healthy in a marriage lives like.
Signs Of What A Healthy Marriage Looks Like
1. You’re True Teammates and Partners
One of the best compliments that I've ever received came from a married male friend of mine. He said, "Shellie, something that is going to make you a dope wife is you love to see men win." Indeed, I do. Personally, I find it to be quite the compliment that God told Adam in the Garden of Eden that He would make a helper for him (Genesis 2:18-25); that He knew a man would need the kind of assistance and support that only a feminine being could provide. When I think of the kind of teammates and partnership that only comes out of a marital union, that's what immediately comes to mind—a husband and a wife who are passionate (and consistent) about wanting to see their spouse win. Win personally. Win professionally. Win when it comes to their health, their finances, their goals, their spirituality—across the board.
In order for this kind of "winning" to transpire, there are a few foundational truths that must exist. A husband and wife need to complement each other. A husband and wife need to respect each other. A husband and wife also need to accept that, although they are a unit, they are also individuals; they exist, not to be carbon copies of one another but to balance each other out. They need to be at peace with having similar visions in some areas and different ambitions in others. In a healthy marriage, spouses get that they don't have to always want the same things out of life, but they are there to help their partner get to where they want to be. A team has similar overall goals. Partners share in order to accomplish a particular endeavor. People who are thriving in their marriage know that if no one else is on their team, if no one else is a steadfast partner, their spouse is. Always.
2. You’re Both Proactive About Spending Quality Together
All of my clients know that one of my absolute favorite relationship-related words is "proactive". A big part of that is because a lot of my past relationships consisted of men who were reactive. You know the kind—not really being intentional about what they could do to make me feel special and appreciated. Also, not staying on top of what they could (and should) do in order to make the relationship run smoothly. Those are examples of what it means to be proactive. Instead, they would wait until I would bring up a need for the billionth time. Or worse, they would go the extra mile after they had dropped the ball over and over again. People who rock like that? They tend to be reactive. And yes, a lot of couples find themselves in dire straits because, far too often, one or both individuals suck at being proactive; especially when it comes to making time for their spouse.
Meanwhile, healthy couples are extremely reactive in this way. They've got pre-planned dates on their calendar. They are intentional about going to bed at the same time as much as they possibly can (a worthwhile read is "If Your Partner's in Bed, You Should Be, Too."). Sex is a priority, consistently so (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important"). They both seek to become fluent in speaking each other's love language(s).
They are this way because they know that if heartfelt time is not spent with one another, it can eventually starve the emotional connection which could ultimately kill the relationship. And so, nothing gets in the way of spending quality time together. If that's nothing more than pillow talk every night, so be it. But time alone is going to happen. No person, place, thing or idea is going to get in the way of that.
3. You’re Both Solutions-Oriented
Actor Will Ferrell once said, "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are." Sure, it's funny but you know what they say—there is truth in all humor. One of the main things that a lot of single people miss about the purpose of dating is, it gives them, not only the opportunity but the freedom to see someone in a bunch of different situations. It's not just about doing what's fun; it's also about being truly intentional about getting to know another person (which is why you should be open to going on different types of dates and, after about six months, be willing to experience new things with one another, single folks. That's how you get to know each other's core). If they don't do that, they could go into a marriage with an unrealistic perception of who someone really is. Then, when the internet crashes and their spouse totally shows out, well…now what are they supposed to do?
One thing that a dating couple should look for is how the person they are seeing handles stress, challenges and outright problems. What they should desire is a solutions-oriented kind of person. And just what does it mean to be a "solutions-oriented" spouse. An article on Medium's site defined a solutions-oriented person as: "Solution-oriented people don't just solve problems, they help identify the source of a question or challenge and provide the right, or a better, way of doing things." Y'all, I can't tell you how many times I've sat in sessions with couples who can't seem to make progress, and it's all because they keep rehearsing problems instead of finding solutions for them. Back to what Mr. Ferrell said, if you're with someone who is problems-focused, if the internet is slow, all they are going to do is complain about it and present all of the worst-case scenarios that could come from having a slow connection (can't pay bills on time, won't be able to stream anything online, job will be hell on earth, etc.). A solutions-oriented individual will be more in the lane of, "Yeah, the connection's wack. Let's see if there's a loose cable, we need to upgrade our modem or go with a different service altogether." There won't be time to whine because all they'll want to do is fix the issue as quickly and accurately as possible.
When two people are like this and married to one another? So long as they respect each other's approach to various problems (which is kind of another article for another time), they are unstoppable. Nothing can shake them because, to them, problems are challenges and for every challenge, there is a remedy. Simple as that.
4. You’re Both Able to Let Things Go
I once read somewhere that sensitive and empathetic people have a really difficult time letting things go because they feel like it's their job to fix everything. If you recall the movie The Secret Life of Bees, that's ultimately why the character May took her own life. That said, if you happen to be married to someone who has a hard time releasing things, before getting all up in arms about it, it might be beneficial to ponder if it's also because they are sensitive and empathetic. On the other hand, if their "not letting things go" consists of them not being able to forgive or leave the past in the past, that usually stems from one of two things (if not both)—someone who never really learned how to forgive well and completely or someone who has major trust issues. To both of these, marriage is going to be really hard because no relationship works without a forgiveness and trust.
In a healthy marriage, spouses know this. Whether they are avid Bible readers or not, they have found a way to make this following Scripture applicable to their daily lives. Ephesians 4:26-27(AMPC) says, "When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down. Leave no [such] room or foothold for the devil [give no opportunity to him]." Healthy husbands and wives deal with things as they come, are forthcoming about their feelings, wants and needs, can forgive and release offenses, and choose to spend time moving forward rather than waste time constantly looking backwards. That's because they would rather enjoy the moments that they have together than allowing bitterness and resentment to keep them apart.
5. Honesty, Humility and Patience Are at Your Marriage’s Core
From a biblical perspective, the Word commissions men to "love your wife, just as Christ loved the Church" (Ephesians 5:25). If people are really paying close attention to that, I think it sends a pretty powerful message that one of the main purposes of marriage is to teach us how to love our spouse like Christ loves us all—fully, sacrificially and eternally.
But even if you're not a Bible follower, ask any married couple who's been together for more than a couple of years and I'm pretty sure they will tell you two things, without question. First, that NOTHING shows you more about the good and not-so-good of who you are quite like marriage does. Second, if you truly desire to become a better person and to cultivate a healthy marriage, you have to learn how to be totally honest, full of humility (people who can't apologize lack humility; somebody needed to hear that) and patience; not just the "willing to wait" kind but the "the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like" variety.
Honesty is about being truthful, sincere and not doing things that are deceitful…in any category. It's about sharing your feelings, not hiding information that could infect your union, and also not coming up with ways to manipulate situations (or people). An honest person is forthcoming. Their word can be totally trusted. Their partner knows that nothing is going on behind their back—again in any category (because there are all kinds of ways to deceive a person). Because they trust their partner so much, they are totally at peace in their presence.
Humility is about wanting to be happy more than being right. It's about admitting when you were wrong and taking ownership for it without deflection or shifting responsibility. It's about being quick to apologize without following it up with "but" (don't justify your actions, just apologize). Humility is also about being willing to put your own needs before someone else's when necessary and wanting to create a space of peace more than conflict. Humility is also about not needing to always take the credit for things. Again, married people see each other as a team so, if one spouse comes out on top, both automatically do. At least, that's how a humble person sees it.
And patience? Patient people know how to wait. Patient people don't expect their partner to grow or change overnight. Patient people don't expect things to happen on their clock all of the time. Patient people also realize that the more they complain or act out, the worse things tend to be. When the Bible says, "love is patient" (I Corinthians 13:4), it's saying more than a mouthful. You'd better believe it.
6. There Are Healthy Boundaries Set
The parents. The in-laws. Work. Church. Besties. And shoot, that's just off the top of my head. Something that healthy spouses are gonna make sure exist is boundaries with other individuals; and by boundaries, what I mean is limits. No, the parents and in-laws can't speak about or two their spouse any ole' kind of way. No, work and church cannot monopolize so much time that their spouse feels disregarded or worse, abandoned. No, besties are not gonna know more about what a spouse has going on in their world than their own life partner does. Wanna know how a lot of affairs start? They start because a husband, wife or both, have some really sucky boundaries.
However, boundaries between a husband and wife—established limits of what's cool and what's not— need to exist too. Going below the belt in an argument should be seen as violating a boundary. Withholding sex as a form of manipulation or punishment is, at the very least, violating a biblical boundary for marriage (I Corinthians 7:1-5). Ignoring your spouse's wants and needs should be treated as violating a boundary. Speaking badly about one another, whether in or out of each other's presence, should be seen as violating a boundary. Not taking ownership for one's actions should be treated as violating a boundary. Dishonesty should be seen as violating a boundary. Not giving each other space when it's requested should also be seen as violating a boundary. In a healthy marriage, a husband and a wife freely discuss what their limits are with each other and other people and they honor them.
7. You Have a Fulfilling Sex Life
Anyone who thinks that their spouse should be their all and everything is setting themselves up for some real disillusionment and disappointment. While I do believe that, under your relationship with God, your partner should be your top priority (because when parents are good, kids are good; that's not so much the case in the reverse), that doesn't mean you shouldn't have other relationships too. You definitely should.
At the same time, if there is one thing that should totally set your marriage apart from every other relationship you have, it should be the fact that you have sex with your spouse. For this reason alone, sex is a very (VERY) important part of a marriage.
That's why I am a huge believer that a very telling sign that a marriage is a healthy one is if a couple has a healthy, happy and consistent sex life; if they are making sure that they are maintaining something that "sets their relationship apart" from all of the rest. And just what does a healthy sex life look like? Both partners care about pleasing each other. Both partners are emotionally and spiritually connected during the act. Both partners find it to be a problem if they aren't prioritizing sex. Both partners are doing all that they can to keep their sex life fresh and exciting. Both partners still desire each other, whether they've been together for one year or 20. Both partners find sexless marriages to be a real relational problem and not just "something that happens". Both partners know that while there are seasons of sex for couples, they are not willing to be sexually complacent; they want their sex life to thrive, just as much as any other area of their relationship.
Signs Of What An Unhealthy Marriage Looks Like
1. The Communication Sucks
It's no secret that one of the leading causes for divorce is poor communication. And what does a poor communicator look like? Good question. I'll share a brief list.
- They don't think before they speak.
- They cut off people while they are talking.
- Their body language conveys dismissiveness and/or disrespect.
- They mistake assumptions for reliable instincts.
- They want to "win" instead of connect.
- They are doing a million different things during a conversation.
- They are not tone-sensitive (who wants to be yelled at or hear sarcasm dripping off of someone?).
- They don't ask questions in order to seek clarity.
- Everything is about them and their feelings.
- They think they can read someone else's mind.
Shoot, and again, that's a brief list. Am I saying that people who are in a healthy marriage don't struggle in these areas? Of course, they do. But what separates them from unhealthy married people is they aren't the least bit comfortable about communicating with their partner like this. If it's a therapist, some self-help books, advice from friends and mentors or a workshop, they are going to figure out how to get better at connecting with their partner because they know that, if you're not communicating well with your spouse, at the end of the day, you don't have much to go on or grow to.
2. One or Both of You Are Constantly Criticizing the Other
There is a husband I know who is now divorced, for the second time, from his wife. While there is plenty of blame to go around, if there's one thing I know that he for sure could've improved on, it was how critical he was towards his wife. He nitpicked. Nothing was ever really done to his standards. He was irritated a lot of the time. Who wants to live in that kind of space? (This is something that parents should ask themselves when it comes to if they are hyper-critical with their children too.) As a result, his wife would make poor decisions, as if to "rebel" against all of his criticizing. It was like she would do stuff that she knew was, let's say really unwise, just to show that she was grown and she could. Like I said, they got married twice…and divorced twice.
Super critical spouses are fascinating because they tend to do to others what they can't handle receiving from someone else. Meaning, while they're out here expecting perfection, deciding that others should automatically do what they expect, simply because they expect it and believing that their life's mission is to "fix" their spouse—they flip out when someone comes even remotely close to being the same way towards them. Listen, the world is hard enough, especially for us Black folks, to be coming home and being criticized all night long. Not only is it draining and hurtful, but it's arrogant and counterproductive to a relationship's growth. Because I have sat across from many couples with a critical partner who has found some not-so-productive ways to cope. They might tune their spouse out. They might work longer shifts. Yep, they might even cheat. And none of this is healthy. To a certain extent, understandable. But definitely not healthy.
3. You’re “Together but Alone”
When I was first embarked upon my abstinence journey, something that a healthy married wife said to me was, "Girl, the loneliest night alone beats being in a bad marriage any day." My initial response was, "I mean, if you say so." But after years of this marriage life coaching journey, I totally agree. I remember once getting my nails done and a random woman sharing with me how she's been taking care of her sick husband (he has chronic back pain and hasn't worked full-time in over a decade) for years now and not once, has he said "thank you". "It's so weird to be in a house with someone and still feel like no one is there or there for you," she said between her tears.
You know, a lot of church folks like to pat themselves on the back (all the while looking down at others) for never ending their marriage. But it's a really low bar to only not get a divorce.
If you believe that marriage is a spiritual union, God doesn't just want us to honor our vows (which is important); he wants us to be in a healthy relationship. A part of what comes with that is loving your partner, supporting your partner and being present in the relationship.
Knowing whether or not your partner feels like they are "with you" or all alone is not something that you can answer for them. If you really want to be clear on if your partner feels close to you or separated from you, not physically, so much as emotionally, mentally and spiritually, do your marriage a big favor and ask them that tonight. A very simple question like that can shed a ton of light on whether or not you've got a healthy marriage or…not.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
10 Hacks To Get Your Marriage Back On Track
10 Things Marriages Need On A Daily Basis
10 Things Married Couples Wished They Paid More Attention To While Dating
10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important
Featured image by Shutterstock
- Signs You Respect Your Spouse - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Signs You Respect Your Spouse - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Prioritize Being Healthy Over Being Happy - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Science Says Happy Couples Secrets - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 7 Things Successful Marriages Need - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Best Marriage Advice During Hard Times - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Signs of a Healthy Marriage | POPSUGAR Family ›
- 6 Signs of a Happy Marriage, According to Science | Fairygodboss ›
- Experts Say These 15 Signs Mean Your Marriage Is Going To Last ›
- 8 Signs That You're Actually in a Good Marriage | A Practical Wedding ›
- 10 Signs You Have a Great Husband | Happy Marriages | Traits of a ... ›
- 7 signs of a healthy marriage | Dave Willis ›
- 14 Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship | Real Simple ›
- 17 Signs You're In An Unhappy Marriage - Signs You Should Get a ... ›
- 17 Subtle Signs of a Toxic Marriage You Need to Know | Best Life ›
- 10 Signs Your Marriage Is Healthy - Kevin A. Thompson ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
I thought my friendships in my thirties would look like an episode of Girlfriendsor Living Single. That we’d be meeting up, getting drinks at a sexy local bar, having dinner together in each other's homes, and taking trips like the Housewives shows we’d watched since we were teenagers. My reality has been the polar opposite of that. My friendships have changed drastically and for a while, I felt like I was on my own.
In my mid-twenties, I started going to therapy, started a business that took off, and I started setting boundaries about how I wanted to be treated as a person. From there some friendships changed drastically, for better and worse. Friends who couldn’t understand or accept the new me were removed, and drifted off, and then there were beautiful changes that put distance between my friends and me. My best friend married and had children young, college friends moved away, job offers took other friends across the country, and I found myself face to face with a form of loneliness that I’d never experienced.
In my thirties, I started asking myself questions about what my friendships would look like, if these changes in dynamics would just be my new normal, or if I would find a new set of girlfriends that I could do life with.
Don’t get me wrong, do my friends call me? Yes. Do they check on me? Yes. Are they cheering the loudest for me with every win? Absolutely, but I also can’t tell you the last time we met up for drinks or if we’ve ever taken the girls' trip we’ve been talking about for the past decade. For some time, I thought perhaps this was the trade-off for choosing a different path, not being able to have friends in this phase of life, or that at some point I’d create a new friend group, and while I pray for the latter, discussions with women who were experiencing similar shifts showed me that we all are no longer relatable in some way to your friends.
Whether you’re the friend who got married early, embarked on a healing journey, started a thriving business, moved away from your small town, or are at a low point in life and can’t relate because you’re the friend struggling - we’re all experiencing some form of a shift in our friendships. Digger deeper into this subject matter with women from all across the country, I’ve discovered that we are not alone and we are all experiencing loneliness and transition.
1.There is a need for friends who get that life is a juggling act.
"I've always been obsessed with the idea of sisterhood. My mom is one of 10 children five boys, five girls so I had a lot of aunts that were around growing up. My mom had the same two best friends since she was like in high school in her early 20s, so I just thought like oh I'm gonna go to college and you know I'm gonna find these lifelong friends. I joined a sorority and other organizations where friendship and companionship was at the helm of that and I think you know fast forward to me graduating college, and starting life as an adult away from a lot of those friendships that I created, I realized adulthood is extremely lonely.
"Navigating friendships in your 20s versus your 30s is like comparing apples and oranges, seriously. In my 20s, it was all about exploration – career, relationships, you name it. We were all on different paths, some searching for love, others for adventure, and a few just figuring out what they wanted. I was right there with them, soaking up every moment of freedom and self-discovery. I don’t think that exploration stops in your 30’s but the tools you need and the paths you need to take are a lot clearer.
"Personally, things shifted fast for me in my 30s. I welcomed a child, got engaged, and suddenly, priorities were rearranged quicker than you can say 'adulting.' Self-awareness kicked in, and I realized I needed friends who were on the same page – willing to grow, heal, and understand the complexities of life. Nowadays, it's all about quality over quantity. I've trimmed down my circle to those who bring joy, understanding, and, most importantly, reciprocity. Yeah, it was tough saying goodbye to some old friends, but it had to be done for my own peace of mind.
"In this crazy world where time is the most precious commodity, I'm all about spending it with those who uplift and support me – friends who get that life's a juggling act and offer grace when needed."
- Leticia Owens, 34, Las Vegas, Nevada
2.There is a maturity that either brings friends together or takes them apart.
"As someone who has traversed most of my thirties now, what I’ve really seen from 30 to almost 38 is the cycling of friendships that can sometimes happen when people have different commitments to their own personal growth. I think some of the friendships that I have chosen to leave behind in my earlier thirties were a result of that person not pulling their weight in the relationship from the perspective of not even seeing how their behavior plays a role in the dynamic and how hurtful it might be.
"Some people come to that at a young age and even in their twenties, but some people take longer. There’s an emotional and relational maturity that either brings people together or brings about separation. Your thirties can bring about a lot of changes to friendships, marriage, children, helping your parents if they’re older and now need assistance financially, all of the other relationships have an impact on our relationships."
- Allie, 38, California
3.There's a knowing that motherhood changes how you maintain and make connections.
"I was a new mother at 21, trying to figure out my relationship, navigate a career, and figure out my life so I had to adjust quickly. In my twenties, I partied hard and at one point with the clothes that I had on the day before to make sure I got dressed up at work. I enjoyed my life and when I decided I was gonna be a mom and wife, I didn’t think about if I was gonna miss this life, it was like time to shift gears. I was clubbing because I was tryna run from shit. I don’t have a life that I have to run from anymore.
"As you start to evolve in your life and then your relationships shift, you wanna still keep the connection but at some point, for different friends, you don’t evolve with them. But at times making new friends is just as hard so you’d rather stay stagnant with the people that are already there. It’s not as easy. Then you’re making friends with moms because your kids want to have playdates so you’re entering into a dynamic with this person for your kids, not because it’s a genuine connection.
"I also think that it’s ironic because the same feelings that your single friends are having about not being able to have fun with you, that feeling of emptiness there is twofold. I’m a mom but I’m a person first. I’m now married with three kids and now my friends are having children too so I’m watching my friends struggle with motherhood and they don’t always come to me for advice. But as they evolve as mothers they have a level of understanding for the shit that I went through.
"Granted I sacrificed to be a young mother, but I was also able to excel in my career and go back to school with the help of my husband. He's an amazing dad and partner and with him, I know I know if I drop the ball, he’s catching it."
- Tania, 31, New Jersey
4.There is a coming into yourself that causes you to release what no longer aligns.
"Friendships change because you begin to come into yourself. You begin to understand that you're an individual that has your own needs, values, likes, wants, etc. and those friendships that were cultivated in high school and college are often no longer aligned with who you want to be. And unfortunately what happens is that we start to break away from the old versions of ourselves and what the people who love us expected us to be.
"My relationships started to change when I stopped pleasing people and I asked myself if was I still friends with this person based on the length of time that we’ve been friends, rather than was this person in alignment with what I wanted out of life."
- Brittany, 31, New York City
5.There is a need for more grace as you grow and evolve.
"We don’t extend enough grace to our friends and I feel we need to remember to. Sometimes we extend more grace to a toxic person we are 'dating' than the friend who is there to pick the pieces up after that person exits stage left. It has been great for me thus far and that’s only because my friends and I respect each other and I mean respect where we are in life i.e. marriage, kids careers, etc, and respect that our time and what we dedicate our time to may not always be to each other physically but we show up mentally and spiritually through prayer and sometimes FaceTime or phone calls.
'If you are expecting your friendships to be the same [as] they were when you were in your 20s or teenagers it shows that you're not pushing each other to grow and evolve."
- Dasia Brown, 34, New Jersey
6.There is a change in how and when you connect due to availability and changes in priorities.
"Just this weekend I shared a post that said I am not the club friend anymore I am the spa friend, the brunch friend, the travel friend. Overall I know that part of friendships is connecting on social outings and when those no longer align if there isn’t real substance to the friendship it can start to fade. Another thing is how in our 30s, life starts really life-ing and our availability and priorities change, making it a little more challenging in how and when we connect.
"I’m grateful for friends who give each other grace but [I] will add [that] my immediate friend group no one is a mom yet. My mom friends are way more limited and it’s understandable but I’ve noticed the change from once becoming a mom and how things become one-sided in willingness to understand their needs. I think the solid friends try their best to show up or at least be fully present in the 15 minutes they do have to spare."
- Delila, 37, New York City
7.There is less hanging out and the concept of what makes a good friend shifts.
"Friendships change in your thirties for many reasons. Priorities, time, money, comparing lives, extremely different lifestyles. I’m a great friend so all mine love me… but I’m also not hanging out like I did 5-10 years ago."
- Destiny, 35, Delaware
8.There are challenges when no one is on the same journey at the same time.
"One of the biggest challenges is when people are settling into their careers, getting married, having kids, and no one is going to be on the same journey at the same time. You might have a friend that’s already married with kids, and you might be career-driven and single. You want to go out to happy hour and your friend with kids gotta see if your friend with the husband and the kids is available.
"In that same vein, that friend might also have mom friends that want to go on playdates and are more available to hang out with each other because they are able to do stuff together with the kids, but if you’re on two different paths it’s definitely a challenge."
- Quadira, 30, New Jersey
9.There is a release of friendships that might be holding you back.
"Based on my personal experience the lives of friends - Black women; either verge or diverge based on a major event. For example, your bestie becomes a teen mom in college, someone’s career takes off drastically compared to the others, someone couples or marries younger, or someone adopts a new faith or becomes stronger in their faith. Someone starts to heal generational trauma via therapy. A friend picks up an alcohol or drug abuse problem. Someone suffers a profound loss. I mean the list goes on. And depending on where each friend is in their life those things can make or break a friendship.
"You may even stray and try to come back and strengthen the bond but ultimately what happens to us is often a feeling of 'this happened to me and such and such wasn’t even there forreal.' Or after you/they have a major event see some unhealthy traits that have always existed and you ignored for the sake of friendship but where you are going in life won’t allow you to ignore it any longer.
"I just turned 38 and about 3/4 years ago I had a nagging feeling that it was time to shed a 20-plus-year friendship. I avoided it so long, we fell out twice in a huge way and I, being avoidant, put off the difficult conversation and ignored so much until I couldn’t. We were like sisters and the aftermath was much more than I could have expected but I’ve never felt lighter and more free and I think in your thirties you realize time is of the essence and the things you’ve accepted no longer suit you. Initially, we think of romantic relationships but sometimes it’s the platonic friendship that is what’s holding you back."
- Sydney, 38, Ohio
10.There is a realization that no investment to the friendship is too big or too small.
"I think friendships and relationships change in our thirties because most of us enter an elevated era of prioritization and a different style of communication. This is especially true if you have a partner. Even more so with children. Marriage is an investment. Children are an investment. Friendships are too and it’s easier to invest into people who get that sometimes you can only deposit a penny… sometimes you might be in the red and other times it’s emotional payday. So you hang out with more moms or parents. More married friends, etc.
"Your single friends also stop checking in as much and inviting you places. So you feel like you can relate less, as I’m sure they feel the same. You can’t communicate as often and at length because of work or family or life. And not everyone gets that. As your life evolves, your expectations change, and what you’re able to give changes too. When friends are in different places, they can’t always understand those changes and those relationships become unsustainable. There are so many things, but mostly life happens."
- Denisse, 34, Mississippi
11.There is a hyperfocus on family, career, and love.
"I think the dynamics do change even before you hit 30. I would say late 20s, even maybe early if people went through anything like I did with my friend group from high school. Think about it: we are trying to navigate what we want to do with our lives concerning career, and love, and discover who we are, and what God put us on this Earth for, and a lot of us really aren’t taught what friendships look like as adults because some of our parents don’t have friends who come over all the time, who feel like a part of the community.
"It’s a hyper-focus on family and career and love. School doesn’t help either cause nothing really prepares you for how you nurture friendships long distance, what happens when you realize you and a friend are no longer aligned (they were a season vs. forever), or envy jumps out when you start doing what they perceive as better than some of them."
- Cydney, 33, North Carolina
12.There is a change in how you prioritize friendships that is dictated by major life shifts.
"I’m like one of the last in my friend group in Copenhagen to have kids - and I feel like that just shifted so much for us/our group when everybody started having kids. More difficult to make plans, weekends are very different. But now that I have Naya [my child] it obviously makes sense.
"I feel like there is just so much that’s shifting in our thirties, whether career, serious boyfriends or marriage, kids, moving out of town, etc. Like life gets serious somehow lol and it’s challenging to prioritize your friendships in the same way you could in your twenties! I have a girlfriend back home who used to live just a block away and we’d always like go grocery shopping together and watch movies in bed and have sleepovers etc, and I honestly miss that so much."
- Caroline, 33, Denmark
13.There is acceptance that everyone can't maintain a long-distance friendship.
"For me, one friendship dynamic changed by me moving and the person I was tight with was unable to support a long-distance friendship. It went from twice a week at least two hours of calls to 10-minute check-ins every few weeks."
- Januarie, 34, Michigan
14.There is a tendency for hesitation when making new friends.
"I experienced a friendship breakup when I turned 30 after 12 years. It has caused me to be hesitant with making new friends and categorize people for being in my life for specific reasons instead of being 'deep connections' kind of friend."
- Kiara, 33, Ohio
15.There is knowledge that friendships are inconvenient and that the right friends will show up and show out for you.
"As a disclaimer, I’m antisocial. In my thirties I’ve noticed I’ve changed some random hard rules I’ve always had for the sake of maintaining my friendships. I’ve been taking more trips, I’ve been driving distances of up to two hours to grab lunch if they’re near. Like a light randomly clicked like these people are very important to me my silly 'boundaries' will cause more harm than good. I can look up and we’re so distant or I’m attending a funeral. Like if nothing is physically stopping me from showing up then it’s up!
"Also, I have realized and been practicing the appreciation aspect for them. I’m a married mom of two. The people have taken planes and trains to celebrate me. Their accomplishments aren’t always marriage and kids and I'm gonna appreciate it too even if they don’t make a big deal of it."
- Lala, 31, New York City
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by enigma_images/Getty Images