Are You A "Comfort Zone Addict"?
Back when I used to write for the major paper here in Nashville, a rule of thumb when it came to sourcing was Wikipedia was an absolute no-no. There are a billion reasons why, but when it comes to what a clear and concise definition of comfort zone is, I think it breaks it all down pretty well. According to Wikipedia, a comfort zone is "a psychological state in which things feel familiar to a person and they are at ease and in control of their environment". On the surface, that sounds pretty good right? What's wrong with wanting to be in familiar surroundings that put you at ease and make you feel like you are in control? Nothing. To a point.
Stuff starts to get weird and unhealthy when what's familiar—whether it's a person, place, thing or idea—is no longer serving you, when "being at ease" is synonymous with being stagnant and, you're so in control that you won't allow life to teach you anything or introduce you to something new. When your world gets to this point and place, you are well on your way to becoming a comfort zone addict—someone who habitually remains in a space that keeps them from flourishing and thriving.
And that's what we're going to explore today; eight signs that you very well could be addicted to your comfort zone and why you should go cold turkey and stop if you are. A wise person once said that, "Great things never come from comfort zones." When it comes to living one's best life, I would definitely have to agree. Are you ready to know for sure if you are too comfortable in your comfort zone?
Your Daily Routine Resembles a Hamster Wheel
Don't get me wrong. A lot of people could stand to have more of a daily routine because the benefits of doing so are endless. Daily routines can help to keep you organized. Daily routines can help you to manage your time better. Daily routines can hold you accountable to getting things done. Daily routines are necessary; very much so.
But as I share, as often as I can, Aristotle once said, "The excess of a virtue is a vice." In other words, anything that lacks balance can end up being totally unhealthy—or, at the very least, counterproductive—for us. When it comes to daily routines, if they are so rigid and regimented that you don't leave room for trying something new or even taking time off when your mind or body says that you need it, well, you could find yourself being more busy than productive.
Remember, the hamster spends a lot of time running around in that wheel. At the same time, at the end of the day, he's not really getting anywhere. Moral to the story is, if your daily routine doesn't ultimately help you to make great progress, you need to switch things up because it's actually working more against than for you than you think.
Risk Is the Ultimate Four-Letter Cuss Word to You
Some people hate to take risks. To a certain extent, I can see why. One definition of risk is "exposure to the chance of injury or loss; a hazard or dangerous chance" and who wants to be here doing stuff that is considered dangerous? However, another definition is "to venture upon; take or run the chance of" and yes, that is always worth, at least the consideration of doing. The key is to do your best to take risks that are wise and will serve you well.
How can you know for sure what those are? Ironically, that's where the risky part comes in. But what I will say is prayer, meditation, common sense and creating short- and long-term goals can help immensely. For instance, when I decided, 20 years ago this year, to write full-time, believe me when I say that it was quite the risk; especially financially. But before I did it, I spent time making connections, building up a portfolio, creating a personal mission statement (so I could be clear on what niche I would serve best in) and I disciplined myself to write daily (to the point now that sometimes I am able to pen 10,000-15,000 words on a daily basis, if needed). I didn't just up and decide "I'm a writer" and throw all caution to the wind; I prepared to become one. No one said that taking risks don't come without preparation. Only foolish people believe otherwise.
Best-selling author, Paulo Coelho once said, "If it's still on your mind, it's worth taking the risk." From an overall standpoint, I agree because, if something won't seem to let you go, that means it is something that is unresolved (and needs to be addressed) on some level in your life. Just make sure that you take some time out to process why it weighs so heavily on your mind. For example, if your ex keeps taking up space in your head and heart and he mistreated you, I wouldn't say that you should "take a risk" and try and get back with him. What you might want to do, though, is "take a risk" and see a therapist, counselor or relationship coach (even if it makes you uncomfortable, at first) or, take a risk and date someone who isn't your "typical type" (check out "Should You Consider Dating Someone You're Not Attracted To?").
Some people treat the word "risk" like it's the ultimate cuss word because they automatically think if something makes them uncomfortable, they shouldn't do it. The bigger focus should be if the risk is going to result in self-harm in some way. A lot of things that make us uneasy won't kill us; they will simply encourage us to step out from our usual norm. That's exactly what a "wise risk" does and that's almost always a good thing.
You Think Peace Means Always Being Comfortable
Let's touch on that uncomfortable thing a bit more. I know some people who are always complaining about how unfulfilled they are, but still, they won't make any real changes in their life. When I inquire why, some of them say that even though they aren't exactly "thrilled" every day with how their life is going, things are peaceful, so why should they rock the boat? Listen, silence is one thing. Peaceful is something else. If you've read enough of my articles on the site, you know that I totally adore the Hebrew language (because it's the original language of the Bible) and the Hebrew word for peace is "shalom". Shalom ultimately breaks down into being whole and complete (among a few other things).
Keeping that in mind, say that you're currently working at a job that pays you well. Problem is, it doesn't really challenge you, there's no room for promotion, and you don't feel like your strengths are being utilized. Sure, your bills are getting paid on time (and that's certainly a valid point), but that doesn't change the fact that you almost feel like a dead woman walking on a daily basis. Sis, that's not peace. If where you spend 6-10 hours of your time each day isn't helping to make you feel more whole and at peace with your life, you are actually in a state of anti-peace. It's time to do something different. Sooner than later, too.
If It’s Not Already Been Done Before, You Talk Yourself Out of Doing It
Let's bring Scripture into this conversation for just a moment, shall we? If you look at Genesis 1:1(NKJV), the Bible says, "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth." Our first introduction to God is Him being a creator. To create is "to cause to come into being, as something unique that would not naturally evolve or that is not made by ordinary processes". When you read that, what's the word that immediately jumped out at you? For me, it was "unique". To create is to do something that is unique. Something that is truly unique is something that exists only as one, something that is totally incomparable and, something that is unusual.
I dig creatives. Not just people who profess they are one, but those whose life stories and inventions reveal that they truly are creative beings. They're the ones who didn't feel like they needed to follow a blueprint or do what someone else has already done in order to make things happen. They are the individuals who come up with an idea or concept that has people looking at them like, "Ninja, are you crazy?!" A risk-taker responds to that question with a grin and an up-and-down head nod. A comfort zone addict takes that as I sign that they shouldn't step out. To them, if other people don't "get it", it shouldn't be done.
If you tend to fall into Category B more than you'd care to admit, here's something to keep in mind.
The ideas that come to your mind that you can't really compare to something else, 8 times out of 10, those are the ones that you should consider to be the truly creative ones. And since your Creator does unique things (like creating you, for example), it is actually an act of honor and worship to God to give it a shot. Just think if the Spirit rethought making you because you hadn't already existed before. Just think about how much the world would've missed out because of it. Create, sis. If you don't do anything else in this life, make sure that you do that!
You Don’t Fully Utilize Your Gifts and Talents
Listen, anything you're doing (on the professional tip) that is not encouraging you to make the absolute most of your God-given gifts and talents is wasting your time. Wasting? Yes, because waste means "to consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return". The happiest and most self-satisfied people I know aren't the wealthiest. They are the ones who get to get up, each and every day, and do what they love—what they are good at, what makes them feel like they aren't even really working (minus the required self-discipline, of course).
By no means am I saying that if you realize you aren't using your gifts and talents that you should quit your job today (you also can't use them if you don't have a place to live after getting evicted for not paying your bills). What I am saying is that, at the very least, you should ponder over what you can do that will help you to tap more into the things that you were naturally born with. A lot of people don't realize that comfort can be a real waste. Please don't be one of them.
Even If You’ve Got a Bucket List, Nothing Is Checked Off on It
It's my humble opinion that everyone, even kids, should have a bucket list. They help to give our life (more) meaning and direction. They hold us accountable to have fun and try out new things. They are a great way to create wonderful memories. They are one way to set short- and long-term goals. They teach us things about ourselves, others and the world around us as a whole. They also help to make sure that we aren't stagnant; that we keep moving forward.
I once read a study that stated 95 percent of people have bucket lists. It also said that 66 percent said they intended to check one thing off a year. A year? With some of my clients, every time their birthday rolls around, we jot down their age and then come up with as many things as their age is to do before their next birthday rolls around. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. One way to make life feel bigger and even better is to create a bucket list and commit to knocking at least 10 things off of it on an annual basis (because who said that you can't edit or add to your list as time moves on?).
You Are Mad Impatient
An author by the name of Laura Teresa Marquez provided some great fortune-cookie-and-beyond insight when she said, "When we get impatient because something is taking too long, we should remember that Life waits on us a thousand times more than we wait on." To me, this means that life is waiting on us to line up with the plans that it already has for us than we're waiting on life to reveal them. This quote definitely came to mind while I re-watched KevOnStage's documentary,A Calculated Risk. This youth pastor-turned-comedian-turned-9-to-5 person-turned-self-made man has quite a wonderful yet super-sacrificial story about how he took risks in order to live out his dreams. If you know anything about Kev, you can vouch for the fact that while he's not an overnight success, years later (not 2-3 either; several) stuff is really starting to pay off—BIG TIME.
A lot of people who are comfort zone addicts, they've already got all that they need to thrive in their own lane too. But if they don't see things that they attempt manifest in one year or less, they tend to quit. Unlike with Kev's journey, what that ends up doing them is costing them—BIG TIME. Stepping outside of one's comfort zone requires waiting, delays and disappointments. Your being willing to push through all of that for the greater goal is what will make it well worth your while. It's what some of the best success stories are made up of as well.
You’re Bored. Most of the Time.
"Bored" is a great word. The reason why I say that is because it's got a ton of different meanings, and all of them can alert you to whether or not you're living your life as "BIG" as you should be.
What are some clear indications that you are currently bored with the way your life is going (or not going)? You complain a lot. You always need somebody or something to keep you entertained. You tend to have many vices. You rarely feel inspired to get out of bed in the mornings. You wrestle with the green-eyed monster (envy). You're irrationally competitive with other people. You're critical—including super self-critical. I could go on and on, chile, but it all basically boils down to being weary with your life…because you're existing more than you're actually LIVING it.
Author Charles F. Glassman once said, "Even the smallest changes in our daily routine can create incredible ripple effects that expand our vision of what is possible." If you just read all of this and recognized that you are way more stuck in your comfort zone than you ever thought, the good news is that today you can make some real and significant changes. Try something new. Plan to do something that will help your strengths to shine through. Stop ignoring that voice in your head that keeps telling you to make that phone call, send that email or start that company.
Comfort zones may be comfortable but don't confuse it with stagnation. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest. And that oftentimes requires breaking totally out of your comfort zone(s).
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Listen, You're Totally Missing Out If You've Never Tried 'Yoga Sex' Before
Deflecting. If there’s one thing that irks me to absolutely no end, it’s when someone tries to avoid personal accountability — or even just a direct question — by deflecting. Take some people, who are barely in their 50s, who try to tell me that they are basically in a sexless marriage due to their age.
Chile, please. Reportedly, over 40 percent of people between the ages of 60-85 are sexually active (I personally think it’s much higher than that), and more than half between the ages of 57-75 (and one-third between the ages of 75-85) participate in oral sex. Matter of fact, a great example of all of this is TikTok sensation (and her husband) Rita 'Badgirlriri504' Smith who’s been married 43 years and talks about intimacy with her man every chance she gets. And you know what? I adore seeing it (check out “Marriage Tips with Social Media Creator Rita 'Badgirlriri504' Smith”)!
And just what does all of this have to do with today’s topic? Well, while talking to two of my clients not too long ago — people who are also well into their 60s — about the fact that they try to get it in at least twice a week (see what I mean? And that doesn’t include oral), when I asked them what their secret was, the wife said, without hesitation, “Simple. We do yoga sex.”
It’s pretty redundant for me to say that I write about sex a lot, which means that I research it too; however, I’ve got to admit that although I know that certain positions can make engaging in copulation easier, it never crossed my mind that there was something known as yoga sex. Yet, as the couple broke it down to me, I found myself becoming more and more intrigued. And that caused me to do some looking around so that I could share the wealth.
Because if your sex life is already bomb as hell, things are slowing down a bit, and you need a bit of “oomph” to fuel the fire again or, deep down, you know that you’re deflecting when it comes to your sex life and you want to change that — yoga sex could be the answer to all of your sexual needs. Read on to see what I mean.
Let’s Review Some Overall Benefits of Yoga, in General, First
GiphyThe gym? It’s never been something that has tickled my fancy, not even a little bit. Oh, but as my metabolism is slowing down and I can tell that I’m deep in the throes of perimenopause (CHILE), I’ve accepted that I need to be more intentional about exercise than ever. And since you can find just about anything that you’re looking for on the internet, I’ve found myself taking a real liking to yoga.
As far as health-related and direct physical benefits go, there are many:
- Yoga helps to reduce stress
- Yoga helps to decrease bodily inflammation
- Yoga helps to boost your immunity
- Yoga strengthens your body
- Yoga increases flexibility
- Yoga gives you more balance and improves your posture
- Yoga elevates your mental health
And that really is just the tip of the iceberg! Since you can get all of this from apps that offer classes for free (you can get a list of some of them here, or you can put “yoga classes” in the search field of YouTube as well), which means that you can do yoga from the comfort and convenience of your own home, why wouldn’t you want to at least give it a shot? Especially if, as you’re about to see, you can incorporate sex into yoga too?
So, What’s This “Yoga Sex” Thing All About?
GiphyIf you actually took the list of benefits that I just provided seriously, it should make all the sense in the world why yoga would help to improve people’s sex lives. If you’re less stressed, it’s easier to orgasm. If you have less bodily inflammation, sex is more comfortable. If you have a solid immune system, you’re in a better mood for sex. If your body is stronger, you will have more stamina during sex. The more flexible you are, the more sex positions you can try. The better your posture is, the easier it is to breathe deeply (which also increases your chances of climaxing). And if your mental health is in a great state, the more satisfying sex will be for you overall.
Okay, but there’s more. Some studies actually reveal that women who participate in yoga on a regular basis are more easily aroused, lubricate more, and experience less bodily discomfort — and get this, especially if they are over the age of 45. One study even went so far as to reveal that 75 percent of women who did yoga consistently said that they were more satisfied with their sex life than before yoga became a part of their lifestyle. Impressive…impressive indeed.
So, what makes “yoga sex” a thing? Well, it’s basically when people bring standard yoga positions into their sex life. Meaning, it’s not about learning positions that will make you stronger and more flexible in the bedroom beforehand; no, yoga sex is about literally doing yoga while having sex.
For instance, say that your goal for sex is to experience deeper penetration from your partner. A position that you might want to try is the cobra pose (here) where you first get on your stomach and then lift the upper half of your body with your hands while keeping your arms straight. If your partner straddles you, it frees their body up to penetrate you while also stimulating your neck and shoulders with his hands and mouth.
Or, if you like the missionary position yet you want to give it a bit of an upgrade, the bridge pose (here) can make that happen because it’s all about being on your back and then lifting the lower half of your body while your feet are planted on the ground (or your bed if your core is strong and your partner is helping to hold you up). Word on the street is this is a top-tier cunnilingus position. Report back. #wink
Maybe you’ve always wanted to experience a cervical orgasm. Getting on your back and throwing your legs over your head, and then being penetrated is one of the best ways to achieve this goal; that position is called the plow pose (here).
Now that I’ve broken yoga sex down a bit, do you see the potential that it holds? Do you also see how taking up some yoga, outside of sex, could better prep you for yoga sex?
If all of this has piqued your interest, first let me say that there are other traditional yoga positions that would be great for sex too like the forward bend and reclining butterfly (here) or the happy baby and cat-cow (here) — and honestly, that’s only the beginning because, the more confident you become, the more positions you’ll probably want to experiment with. The really awesome thing is, when it comes to yoga sex, positions aren’t the only thing that you can explore; there are different types of yoga sex too. Let’s touch on that briefly as well.
Did You Know That There Are Different Kinds of Yoga Sex?
GiphySo, what do I mean by different types of yoga sex? Great question.
Tantric yoga: This type of yoga focuses on the more spiritual side of intimacy. It does this by incorporating practices that help with meditation (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”), flexibility and deep breathing.
Orgasmic yoga:If you want to control your pelvis more, strengthen your core, and become an expert when it comes to breathwork, then orgasmic yoga will be more your speed (for the record, from what I’ve read, belly dancing actually qualifies as a form of orgasmic yoga. Just an FYI).
Kink yoga: If BDSM is your thing, then this is the kind of yoga that you’ve been looking for. The main aim here is to use yoga to get you to become more flexible and more mindful during sex.
When it comes to all three of these, if you live in a major city, there’s a pretty good chance that you can find a class that specializes in them. Otherwise, YouTube has some introductions to all of these too.
3 Tips for Yoga Sex Beginners
GiphyAnd what if yoga sex is something you’re down with yet you’re not sure how to start? Well, here are a few tips that can make even trying yoga sex tonight a more pleasurable experience.
1. Decide on positions beforehand. Good foreplay isn’t just about what you do 15 minutes before intercourse; it’s about getting each other’s minds “right” long before that. So, put your partner in the mood by emailing or texting pictures of some positions you’d like to try. It will get his mind in the mood and his imagination going; it’ll also give you some time to practice (just sayin’).
2. Create a “yoga-like” atmosphere. Listen, one of the key principles of yoga is cultivating an environment for mindfulness and peace. So, if you’re trying to do this with the television on, the kids yelling downstairs, or with your mind on a billion different things, it’s not going to work. You need quiet. You also need a lot of room. You need scents (like lavender, jasmine, vanilla, neroli, or sandalwood) that make you feel calm and relaxed. And you need soft lighting; it brings about a sense of tranquility. What about sounds? Instrumental or nature ones are probably gonna work best because they won’t break your concentration.
3. Always meditate (together) first. You’re kinda gonna miss the whole point of yoga sex if you just walk into your bedroom and immediately get into the downward dog. Remember that mindfulness, peacefulness, and pacing oneself are all benefits of yoga — and meditation is what achieves all of this. Plus, meditation is proven to control anxiety, bring about self-awareness, and even give you a greater attention space. So, before any foreplay even begins, sit on the floor across from your partner, look into each other’s eyes, and breathe, deeply, in and out together, for at least 3-5 minutes. It will bring forth an energy that will make yoga sex — and orgasming — truly incomparable…that’s what my clients tell me anyway. #wink
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It really is so time out for bringing ageism into sex. If the body is able and the spirit is willing, you can be out here rivaling the 20-somethings. Yoga sex is just one option that cosigns on this — and has the data to prove it, chile. Enjoy!
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