It’s About Time These Sexual Myths Got Totally Debunked
I remember a wife once telling me that, although she wasn't the biggest fan of doggy style, she was down for the cause because she was trying to conceive a boy. We were having this conversation on the phone so she couldn't see my facial expression. Still, I definitely did lightly chuckle as I asked, "So, you really believe that, huh?" The "that" I was referring to is sexual positions can determine a child's gender.
If you're someone who is currently trying to make a baby, two conception myths that are important to unlearn is 1) orgasms make it easier to conceive and 2) gettin' hit from the back will give you a son. The truth is, having sex while you're ovulating is what makes conception possible and, as far as a child's gender goes, what one doctor said in "There Is No Magical Position or Food to Help Conceive a Boy or Girl" is spot-on—"If sperm carrying an X chromosome fertilizes the egg, a girl or female (XX) will be conceived. If the sperm carrying a Y chromosome fertilizes the egg, then a boy or male (XY) will be conceived." It's as simple as that.
It was recalling that conversation that inspired me to address a few other common sexual myths; most of which I've directly heard come out of people's mouths. You know, it really is amazing how, like gossip, a myth can travel pretty far as if it's the gospel truth even if/when it's a flat-out lie. But the good thing is, also like gossip, if you want to get down to the facts, there is enough information available to get to a reputable source so that you are able to totally debunk a false belief.
And, as far as sexual myths go, here are 10 that need to be completely and finally put to bed—well, to rest.
1. You Can’t Get Pregnant on Your Period
I'm hoping that more people than not know that this is totally a myth. Although it's not super-duper likely, the reason why it's still possible is because, if your period is not regular, you have sex towards the end of your cycle and early ovulation occurs—BAM! There you go. The reason why it's possible to get pregnant while you are on your period is sperm, on average, can live in you for 72 hours. So, having sex on the fourth day of your period could mean that sperm sticks around for three more days and…there you have it. Moral to the story—if you don't have a regular cycle and you absolutely do not want to get pregnant, but you do want to engage in a little bit of period sex, make sure to use a condom. At all times.
While we're on the topic of sex and pregnancy myths, please don't fall for the whole "You can't get pregnant from pre-cum" stuff either. Although pre-ejaculate doesn't contain as much sperm as ejaculate does, there is some, and one sperm is all you need for a pregnancy test to end up with positive results. So again, if you're not on birth control, use a condom. And speaking of birth control, let's debunk a pill myth right quick.
2. Birth Control Makes You Gain Weight
Any time you decide to take something to alter how your body naturally functions, there is a certain amount of risk that's involved. Any reputable doctor will tell you that. But if you are shying away from the pill because you think it will cause you to gain weight, this too is a myth. Now before you give push back on this, the reason why you might pack on some pounds during the first few months of taking the pill is because a side effect can be water retention. But rest assured that, what the pill isn't doing is causing you to gain actual fat. Plus, birth control pills contain a lot less hormones now than they did back when your mama was on them, so that's even more of a reason to not be too concerned about weight gain.
3. All Men Cheat. If Not Immediately, Eventually.
With articles out in cyberspace like "The Future of Infidelity Is Female", and studies that indicate 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women have cheated in their relationship, it's clear that both genders are fully capable of being unfaithful. As far as what increases the possibility of cheating in a relationship, some of the factors include being financially dependent on your partner, men having an upcoming milestone birthday and being older rather than younger. Women are more likely to engage in an emotional affair (which is still cheating, by the way) while men stand a greater chance of participating in a sexual one. Another key point is, of half of the people who have cheated, it was with someone they considered to be a close friend.
Keeping all of this in mind, while I think that all of us know that there are probably more people who are out here being unfaithful than any study is able to reveal, still, the percentages are far too low to be out here resigning to the fact that all men cheat or will eventually cheat. Why do some people seem to not only believe but project otherwise? One article said it's due to their personal experience. Meaning, if they've been cheated on before, they think all men have done or will do it. Other people do as a form of deflection (if I put the focus on you, you'll be paying less attention to me and what I'm doing). And still, many just repeat what they hear others say.
But to come to the conclusion that ALL men cheat—not only is that not rooted in fact but it's a pretty bleak approach to men and relationships overall. Again, it's a myth. Let it go.
4. Married Couples and Seniors Have Less Sex Than Anyone Else
If you're someone who is hesitant or even scared to get married because all you can think about is how little sex you'll end up getting in comparison to your bachelorette life, this is another myth that needs to get cancelled right here and right now. According to the Kinsey Institute, while 50 percent of married young couples are gettin' it in 2-3 times a week, over 50 percent of singles haven't had any in over a year.
As far as seniors go, 73 percent of those between the ages of 57-64, 53 percent of those 64-75, and 26 percent of seniors who are between the ages of 75-85 not only still have sex, they do it at least 2-3 times a month. Not only that, but half between 57-75 and one-third between 75-85 still participate in oral sex too. Seems to me like marriage and old age are things to look forward to, not dodge at all costs.
5. Pineapples Make Sperm and Vaginal Fluids Taste Better
Anyone who is totally down for a little oral sex action has probably heard that consuming pineapples is a surefire way to make sperm and vaginal fluids taste better. First of all, if you think that any food will make either of those taste like ice cream, that is the first myth that needs to be debunked. That said, it is true that diet can play somewhat of a role in altering the smell, texture and taste of these bodily fluids. It is also true that since sperm and vaginal fluids are acidic, and so is pineapple, eating (or drinking) some can cut some of the bitterness out of both. So can other acidic fruits like cranberries, minty herbs like fresh peppermint and celery, if you're looking for something that will make fluids less salty. But again, if you think that pineapples will turn sperm/semen into a pina colada, that's (unfortunately) not true.
To me, I think the bigger point here is the more water that someone drinks, the more fluid they are able to produce. This can be a great natural lubrication tip for women. But if "less is more" on the fellatio tip, you might want your man to steer clear of Big Gulps a day or two before y'all's "session". Just sayin'.
6. Men Are Hornier in Their 20s. Women in Their 40s.
If there's a myth that I hear women say, on repeat, it's that their sex drive is higher when they are in their 40s. There are too many articles to hyperlink to this particular point, but what I will say is, far too many factors (including hormone levels, how connected she feels to her partner, medications she may be taking, the kind of body image that she has and even her diet) play a role in a women's sex drive to narrow our libido to a specific age.
The reason why men in their 20s and women in their 40s tend to be "the perfect sexual storm" for so many is young lads are so hyped about sex and eager to please at that age while us women in our 40s have come to really discover what works/doesn't work and what we want/don't want that sex with a younger man seems to work like a charm. Between their energy and our clarity, that can make for some pretty interesting sex sessions between younger men and older women.
7. The Size of a Man’s Hands and Feet Are “Penis Size Predictors”
Listen, I didn't even need to do any formal research on this one to know that it's some bullshishery. There have been guys in my past who rock a size 13 who have an average size penis while men who wore a 9 ½ totally threw me for a loop. But if you need some scientific data to break the myth, this one right here bucks the whole "feet thing" while this one here says that, although finger-length sometimes plays a small role in predicting one's penis size, for the most part, hand size doesn't reveal much either.
So how can you tell what's up before actually seeing it for yourself? I'll just tell you what my great-grandmother used to tell me—"Cop a feel. Make sure it's real." Chile, why are we out here making things complicated when all of this old wisdom is at our disposal?
8. Penis Size Matters
I don't know what makes women think that a man needs to be "packin'" in order to sexually satisfy them. Especially since 1) women's most sensitive vaginal nerves are at the first 1-2" inside of our vagina and 2) over 70 percent of women don't even have orgasms from vaginal penetration alone. Definitely, if there is anything that has been birthed out of societal pressure and "fake news", it's that if a man doesn't have a big penis, he isn't able to please his partner.
Besides, with the average size flaccid being close to 4" and erect close to 6", seems like God made sure that so long as our nerve endings could be reached (including our G-spot which is about two inches inside of our vagina), then the rest is up to technique. And believe you me, many men with 9" are wack and some with under 7" are killer (check out "Unpopular Opinion: Size Doesn't Matter To Me" on this site when you have the chance). Let this dumb myth go.
9. Men Have Higher Sex Drives
I think one of the reasons why there's such a strong assumption that men have stronger sex drives than women is because a lot of us aren't as excited at the thought of casual sex as men are. It's not because we don't like the spontaneity or even that we have to be totally in love in order to have a good time. It's just that we have to consider things like what if we get pregnant by said random partner and, fellas if you're reading this, a lot of y'all suck at casual sex. Some of you need to be "brought up to speed" concerning what your partner wants or doesn't want and, if the sex consists of a one-night stand or something sporadic, you may not satisfy your partner as much (check out "Why More Women Are Saying No to Casual Sex" and "We Asked Women How They Feel About Casual Sex"). But don't confuse taking a pass on a five-minute romp in a public bathroom to women not being down for sex or it always needing to come out of some romance novel or rom-com.
In fact, there are studies (including this one and this one) that indicate that many of our drives are actually higher than men's. The reason why this oftentimes goes undetected is because men tend to think and seek sex out more than we do. But once we're interested and down for the cause, watch out—you're in for quite a night.
10. Oral Sex Is Safer
One more. I am in my mid-40s and I can't tell you how many times I have heard people my age and up say that they have oral sex more because it's safer. What in the world?! If by "safer", you mean that you can't get (or get someone) pregnant, then yes, you are exactly right. But if by safer, what you think is you can't contract an STD, you couldn't be more wrong. Herpes, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, HPV and HIV are all STDs that can be transmitted by giving and/or receiving oral sex.
That's why it's important to take an STD test (click here for one that you can take at home), even before engaging in cunnilingus or fellatio. If you or your partner have any cuts or mouth sores, you should wait until they completely heal. And, it's a good idea to wait until you are completely comfortable before you decide to engage.
Because another myth that must be debunked as we close is, as much as people try and act like it's not, oral sex is sex.
Choose your partner wisely, y'all. That's the biggest truth of all.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Who Knew Oral Sex Has An Official Time Limit?
10 Things You Didn't Know About The Male And Female Orgasm
Ever Wonder Why Make-Up Sex Is So Good?
8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Beyond Burnout: Nicole Walters' Blueprint For Achieving Career Success On Your Own Terms
Nicole Walters has always been known for two things: her ambition and her ability to recognize when life’s challenges can also double as an inspiring, lucrative brand.
This was first evident more than a decade ago when she quit her job as the corporate executive of a Fortune 500 company during a Periscope livestream. “I’m not sure if there’s an alignment of [our] future trajectory. I’m going to work for myself. I'm promoting myself to work for myself,” she said at the time before flashing a smile at the viewing audience. As she resigned on camera, a constant stream of encouraging messages floated upwards on the screen.
By 2021, she’d fashioned her work as a corporate consultant and her personal life with her husband and three adopted daughters into a reality show, She’s The Boss, for USA Network. This year, she released the New York Times bestselling memoir Nothing Is Missing, written as she was in the process of getting a divorce and dealing with her eldest daughter’s struggles with substance use.
Convinced that there’s no way the 39-year-old has achieved all of this without intentional strategic planning, I asked her about it when we spoke less than a week before Christmas. I’d seen videos on social media of her working on 2024 planning for other brands, and I wanted to know what that looked like following her own year of success.
She listed a number of goals, including ensuring that the projects she takes on in the new year align with her identity “as a Black woman, as an African woman, as a mother, as someone who has lived a [rebuilding] season and is now trying to live boldly and entirely as themselves.” But, I was shocked by how much of her business planning also prioritized rest.
Despite the bestselling book, a self-titled podcast, and working with numerous corporations, Walters said she’s been taking Fridays off. This year, she doesn’t want to work on Mondays, either.
“A lot of us think we work hard until retirement hits. I want to progress towards retirement,” she said, noting that she’ll check in with herself around March to see how successful this plan has been. The goal, Walters said, is to only be working on Tuesdays and Thursdays by sometime in 2025. “It is intentionally building out what I know I would like to have happen and not waiting for exhaustion to be the trigger of change.”
"A lot of us think we work hard until retirement hits. I want to progress towards retirement... It is intentionally building out what I know I would like to happen and not waiting for exhaustion to be the trigger of change."
Walters said the decision to progressively work less was partially in response to her previously held notions about her career, especially as an entrepreneur. “When I first started, I thought burnout was a part of it,” she said. “What I didn’t realize is that even if you’re able to bounce out of burnout or get back to it, there’s a cumulative impact on your body. If you think of your body as a tree and every time you go through burnout, you are taking a hack out of your trunk, yes, that trunk will heal over, and the tree will continue to grow, but it doesn't mean that you don’t have a weakened stem.”
But, the desire for increased rest was also in response to the major shifts that occurred three years ago when she was experiencing major changes in her family and realized her metaphorical tree was “bending all the way over.”
Courtesy
“One of the things we have to recognize, especially as Black women, is that there is this engrained, societal, systemic notion that our worth is built around our productivity,” she added. “That is some language that I think is just now starting to really get unpacked.” In recent years, there’s been an increased awareness of achieving balance in life, with Tricia Hersey’s “The Nap Ministry” gaining attention based on the idea that rest, especially for Black women, is a form of resistance. Even online phrases such as “soft life” and “quiet quitting” have hinted at a cultural shift in prioritizing leisure over professional ambition.
"One of the things we have to recognize, especially as Black women, is that there is this engrained, societal, systemic notion that our worth is built around our productivity."
If companies are lining up to consult with Walters about their brands and products, then women have been looking to her for guidance on starting over since she invited them to livestream her resignation 12 years ago. As viewers continue to demand more from content creators in the form of intimate, personal details, Walters has navigated her personal brand with a sense of transparency without oversharing the vulnerable details about her life, especially when it comes to her family.
The entrepreneur said she’d been approached to write a book for several years and was initially convinced she was finally ready to write one about business. “I started to do that, and then I went through my divorce. When that happened, I said, why would I write a book telling people to get the life that I have when I’m not sure about the life that I have,” she said.
Instead, she decided to write Nothing Is Missing and provide a closer look at her life, starting with being born to immigrant Ghanaian parents (“You need to know my childhood to know why I’m passionate about entrepreneurship.”) through the adoption of her three daughters and eventual divorce. Despite her desire to share, however, she said she felt protective of the privacy of her family, including her ex-husband.
When discussing this with me, Walters said she was reminded of a lesson she learned from actress Kerry Washington, who released her own memoir, Thicker Than Water, just a week before Walters’ book release. Washington’s memoir grapples with family secrets, too, specifically the fact that she was conceived using a sperm donor and didn’t learn about it until she was already a successful TV star. While Washington reflects on how the decision and subsequent deception impacted her, she’s also careful to hold space for her parents’ experiences, too. “A lot of things she said was that she had to recognize where she was the supporting character and where she was the main character,” Walter said.
This is something Walter worked to do in Nothing Is Missing when discussing her daughter’s struggles with addiction. “I was very intentional about making sure that I did not reveal more than what was required,” she said. “If I say something about someone’s addiction, I don’t need to go into the list of the substances they used, how they used them, what I found. [I don’t need to] walk into a room and paint a picture of what it looked like for people to understand.”
Walters said some of the most vulnerable moments in the book barely made a ripple once it was released. She was extremely nervous to write about getting an abortion, she said. But no one has asked her about this in the months since the book was released. Instead, people have been more interested in quirkier revelations, such as the fact that she once appeared on Wheel of Fortune.
“I have bared my soul about this thing I went through in my youth that has changed me for people, and people are like, ‘So how heavy was the wheel when you spun it?’” she said, chuckling. “It just goes to show that people never worry about the thing that you worry about.”
With the success of Nothing Is Missing, Walters said she still isn’t planning to release a business book at the moment. But, as she navigates parenting a teenager and two adult children while also navigating a relationship with her new fiancé, Walters said she believes she has at least one or two more books to write about her personal journey. “There is sort of an arc of where my life has gone that I know I’ve got something more to say about this that I think is important, relevant and necessary,” she said.
In just three years, Walters’ life has undergone a major transformation. There’s no telling what the next three years will have in store for her, but it seems likely she’ll retain an inspired audience wherever life takes her.
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It's 2024, and you're ready to get back into the dating scene. Well, you're not alone. According to Jonathan Kirkland, Head of Brand and Marketing of BLK, a popular dating and lifestyle app for the Black community, the day after Christmas through Valentine's Day is considered "peak season" for dating apps. So, whether romance is on your vision board or you just want to date for fun, it's necessary to make your dating profile stand out. If you've used dating apps, then you've probably seen it all. The shady profiles with creepy photos, the lack of info or too much info in the About Me section, and much more. While we know that's not you, you could be making some mistakes that are keeping you from making a connection with a potential love interest.
In an exclusive interview, Jonathan lists 10 dating profile mistakes to avoid in 2024. Read below to kick off your dating journey in a positive way.
Blurry Pictures
Jonathan says blurry pictures are the ultimate no-no. "Pictures are your first representation of yourself on the dating app. So make sure that you have a clear picture, make sure that the picture represents you. If it's a blurry picture, people can't see you. They will see your picture before they read your profile."
Inappropriate Pictures
Next are inappropriate pictures. "Typically, they'll get flagged on dating apps by our moderators, but I mean a torso pic. I mean, even if you have a six-pack, people still want to see your face."
Morsa Images/ Getty Images
Incomplete Biographies
"Another profile mistake; I will say incomplete bios because after people see your pic, if they like it. They want to, you know, get to know a little bit about you," he says.
"If the app gives you as much information to fill out like if you want kids, education, are you a smoker or do you work out, you know, fill out as much as possible because that way that also helps, you know, get you to your match quicker and can alleviate some of that time back and forth. If you know, it's not going to be a match."
Misspellings and Grammar Mistakes
Jonathan recommends that dating app users use spellcheck when writing bios. Grammar mistakes and misspelled words may show that you don't "pay attention to detail, which people probably don't want."
Being Vague About Intentions
While you may be looking for a serious relationship, other people may just be looking for a good time so revealing what you're looking for in your profile will help weed out those who don't match your intentions. "So on BLK we now have, you can select your intention right on your profile. Are you looking for long-term relationship, friends with benefits, friends, you know, things like that?"
Pro-Stock Studios/ Getty Images
TMI
However, there is such a thing as too much information. "Because then that could be safety and privacy, like you don't want to put your phone number on there. I mean, you might not want to put your Snapchat or Instagram." He continues, "I will say like, keep your different social media separate and not give all your information out on your profile."
Negativity
If you're on dating apps, then you've probably seen a negative profile or two, but don't follow in those footsteps. "Even if you've had bad experiences in dating apps or relationships, you don't take it to the dating app because it's supposed to be a place of hope."
Not Updating Your Profile
Have you dyed your hair or lost weight since creating your dating profile? Then you might want to update it, sis. "I mean, you don't want to misrepresent yourself, like if you got a picture from when you were in high school, probably not the best thing because if you meet somebody in person, you're not going to look the same. People's weights, especially during COVID, have gone up, gone down. So you might want to keep that updated to be in accordance with what's real."
Overuse of Filters
While we love our filters, we want to make sure our pics on our dating profiles match how we look in real life. No catfishing here. "Overuse of filters is definitely a faux pas because, again, it's not representing who you truly are," he says. "We want to be all about authenticity. Like that's why BLK exists because it's like you can be your real self, so with BLK, you don't have to code switch. So, I would say, like the filters and edits, let's not lean into that so much.
Lack of Initiative
Lack of initiative applies to after matching with someone. "Bumble says make the first move. We're not gonna say that, but it's like, I mean, send a message if you already matched, so it's like okay, you both swiped right on each other. Don't wait for the other person to message you first. Just go for it. I mean, all you can lose is just somebody you don't know."
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