I received a million lessons about sex when I was growing up and all 999,999 were about being safe to prevent sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy. Being a 17-year-old mother, my mom had been practicing that spiel since before I came out the womb. She had it on lock.
Then there was that one time my father sat a 12-year-old me down over a delightful iHOP meal to tell me that should I let a man f*ck, consequently I could not be upset when he no longer wants anything to do with me. Or at least that's what it translates to in the language of "real ones", but for those of you whose fathers don't sound like a BET: Uncut video, that simply meant don't be upset when you give the milk up for free and men don't want to buy the whole damn cow. One, that's a lie, and two, it's a shame if you have to scheme me out of my cookie at this age.
What's most disappointing was that in all those lessons that I received about sex, not one of them warned me that the dick could have you sprung. That sex could be amazing, orgasmic, and intimate — with or without a ring on it (it being your finger, of course). Even me being grown-grown, my mom is not really one for the sex talk. Glimpses of her being about that life here and there but nothing that has stuck with me.
But as someone who received so many messages about safe sex and still engaged in unprotected sex, I can attest to the the fact that scare tactics under the guise of a helpful lesson won't discourage but encourage curiosity. Still, holding onto hope after one of xoNecole's editors put us up on game based on advice her own mother had given her, we asked our friends, our readers, and our staff to tell us what messages they received about sex and here's what they said:
1. "Turn your eyes instead of confronting your husband about cheating. This was paralleled by my mother teaching me to demand money for attention and for my body."
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Wise words from: Grandmother
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"These ideals affected my attitude towards sex because it turned into an exchange of goods instead of an exchange of energy and aligned goals. Today, I had to commit to multiple years of celibacy and self-love to peel back the layers of misguided learnings to design the experience in life and love I desire. Yes, a man should be a provider, but that holds no bearings on him deserving my body just because. Yes, I can forgive indiscretions, but I'm allowed to have boundaries, standards... Anyone not honoring them are telling me how they feel about me." – A.Comeaux
2. "Men who like you shaved down there are pedophiles." – Kyla
3. "Your cat is all you have to give and once you give it away, it's over for you." – xoFollower
4. "The willingness to eat you out was a requirement."
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Wise words from: Mom and/or grandma
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"They instilled in me the expectation that sex is pleasurable to me, period. I remember telling them when I lost my virginity, being afraid if they would be ashamed of me or something, my grandmother's first response was literally, 'Was it good?' They regularly taught me that as a woman sex is to be a delightful experience, and any man who makes you feel otherwise isn't a man I should share myself with. It helped me feel confident in my sexual experiences — I've never cared about 'body count', how many people I was seeing in a given period time or any of that stuff. It unleashed the inner 'hoe' that's probably in every woman. I've never felt the need to debate, justify, or explain the female position in casual sex. Likewise, I'm in a perfectly healthy monogamous relationship right now. They helped shape the way I think about myself, and helped me disregard the pressures our society has around women and their sexuality. I didn't live my life trying to be wifey material, whatever the f*ck that is." – Carla
5. "If you have sex you will contract HIV or become a single mother and die alone." – xoFollower
6. "You'll go to hell." – xoFollower
"They regularly taught me that as a woman sex is to be a delightful experience, and any man who makes you feel otherwise isn't a man I should share myself with."
7. "Never let a man get on top of you and hump you like a rabbit. It's not a race."
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Wise words from: Auntie
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"I took it to heart. I actually tell [partners] that just so they know to come correct. I told the guy I'm currently talking to that and he spent 30 minutes going down. I make sure I get mine. It has made me more upfront and confident in what I want sexually, it's made me comfortable vocalizing it. If they can't respect that, then they're not the right one." – Kamilah
8. "Boys are nasty. Don't let them touch you." – xoFollower
9. "Every partner you have will take a little piece of you and you'll feel less like yourself each time."
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Wise words from: Auntie
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"I love sex and although it's only been in recent years that I made a conscious effort to remain celibate, these words have been taking root in me for years, from the first time I began crying mid-sex to the next two times. I tried to fight it as much as possible since I love sex and all...But the older I got, the more I grew tired of ignoring the burnout that came with meaningless sex for me. I truly felt my partners depleting me of my energy. Some people are built for casual sex, emotionally. I've finally realized that I'm not one of them. I try to be on an annual basis, like literally I try having sex again once a year and it ends in tears. This has made my sex life nearly nonexistent as far as including other partners goes, but I hope that it will give me a more fruitful sex life when I find the right person to have sex with." – Tracey*
10. "If he's horny and you're not, you better give it or he'll find it somewhere else."
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Wise words from: Nana
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"It made me feel like sex is something I have with a man to show him I care about him, and in a way, value him more. It's [sex] for consumption and if I don't give it to him, that's grounds for him to be unsatisfied/not love me. So I used sex as a way to get a guy to really be interested in me — a bargaining tool if you will, and a major component of my value as a woman and partner." – Zaniah
11. "Don't let them boys dig in you." – xoFollower
12. "Sometimes you have to set your alarm so you can get it in the morning because men are always ready in the morning."
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Wise words from: Mom
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"Although we're a religious family, my parents have always talked about how once married, sex should be pleasurable and it is an act created by God to be enjoyed — not to be ashamed of. I've carried that into my marriage and have a very healthy sex life with my husband. I've always been open to try new things but the comfort and pleasure that comes with sex in marriage when you've been raised to understand that sex is natural, pleasurable, and Christian is maximized." – Mya
13. "A wet ass and an empty purse don't go together." – Rebecca
14. "I'll tell you how to keep em! You gotta put that voodoo p*ssy on them." – Jamillah
15. "Men are dogs and sex is bad." – xoFollower
"I've always been open to try new things but the comfort and pleasure that comes with sex in marriage when you've been raised to understand that sex is natural, pleasurable, and Christian is maximized."
16. "Try it before you buy it."
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Wise words from:Mom
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"It gave me the confidence to go out into the world and be as sexual as I desired, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I don't feel disappointed in myself or the experience, I just look at the glass half full and am always grateful that I found out sooner than later." – Sam
17. "Cop a feel. Make sure it's real." – Shellie
After speaking to so many different women about the different things they've learned from women before them about sex, I am fully aware that some of these messages have gray areas. I also recognize the danger of pushing an abstinence-only agenda. Depending on how you flex your sexuality, the placement of some of these will resonate with you more than others. Really, it's simple: We must be sure to educate our daughters on the pleasure principles while simultaneously stressing the difficulties of teenage pregnancy and the potential dangers that arise with sexually transmitted infections.
There's a way to go about it and some of the stuff I read above — that ain't it. So, lets vow to do better. Let's cancel this rhetoric of sex being "unlady-like" in adolescents because, for some of us, it's making good sex hard to come by in adulthood. Now, I'd like to hear from you. What have the women before you taught you about sex? How has it shaped your sexuality or your sex life today?
All images by Getty Images.
Oh, there's more. She's an expert in the Web3 and NFT spaces, has served as director of Partnerships at TechSquare Labs, mentoring more than 60 companies founded by women and minority entrepreneurs, and has served as host of the influential Money Moves podcast powered by the Greenwood platform.
And through her work, she has made valuable investments, helping businesses generate more than $100 million in revenue. Add to that her hosting gig on "Making of a Mogul," a TV series focusing on the success stories of entrepreneurs in Black and Brown communities.
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She's been the queen of taking up space across diverse interests and passions, so beyond tech and entrepreneurship, she also has a robust social following and has built a diverse community centered on a love of books via the Tanya Time Book Club, a virtual space that will soon host its first in-person meet up in London.
I caught up with her after our first conversation, pre-Covid, to talk more about how things have been going with The Ambition Fund, her continued pursuit of advocating for women and minority entrepreneurs through actual investment (i.e., putting your money where your mouth is), and how she's been able to lean totally into multiple things she loves while building community:
xoNecole: We spoke almost three years ago, and you talked about all the awesome things you've done with the Ambition Fund. Talk a bit more about the success and impact of your work since then with BuiltxWomen and Ascend 2020.
Tanya Sam: That was just when we were going into the pandemic, perhaps, and that's so crazy! A lot has gone on from there and changed. The Ambition Fund is a fund I started to help underrepresented founders and early-stage entrepreneurs grow, scale, and educate themselves on how to build scalable businesses. A lot of that came from the work I did with TechSquare Labs, BuiltxWomen, and Ascend 2020.
[There was] a little bit of influence from my time at Real Housewives of Atlanta when I was exposed to a much bigger audience. I was constantly being inundated by women, in particular, who were building businesses outside of this smaller tech silo but had credible businesses that they were looking to scale, whether they were in hospitality, beauty---just so many people.
I feel like the pandemic grew this as well, where people were looking for different ways they could make their businesses successful---make their dreams come true.
Courtesy of Tanya Sam
That's where the Ambition Fund [came in.] Prior to that, I was investing in hydro-scalable companies, trying to find an avenue for some of these smaller businesses to help them grow and scale and have profitable enterprises.
Since then, I've done several more investments. In the entrepreneur world, it takes time. One of the things people are always asking is, 'Have you cashed out?' or 'Are you living on an island right now?' A lot of us founders have gone on to raise Series A from either the investment check I wrote---Series A [first major round of funding] or B [second major round]. They've increased their number of employees, which is always important to me, to grow and scale and hire more people and create more avenues for families to grow.
Some of those businesses, sadly, did not survive. They're starting another business based on the learning and pivots they've had to do. I look at that in all sorts of growth because there's a learning lesson for it all.
xoN: You really know your tech and business. What led you to pivot into tech, especially from your background in STEM and what you studied in school? Were you always a tech and business geek?
TS: My background is in healthcare and medicine. I did a degree in genetics and cell biology and then went back and did another bachelor's degree so I could study nursing. I [spent] most of my career in bone marrow transplant and oncology. So when I really was exposed to tech and the idea of it, I was dating my partner at the time. He was instrumental and was a serial entrepreneur starting a cybersecurity company. I knew nothing about cybersecurity, technology, or entrepreneurship at the time.
I really grew up in a family that was very medical-focused. The idea of starting a business and raising a round was completely foreign to me. But, there's all these ideas I sort of noodled on myself and how I wanted to approach entrepreneurship.
There are so many people out there that have this idea, and they're faced with this dreamer's dilemma. Do I take a chance on myself and build my own business to solve a problem that I'm passionate about, or do I keep doing what I'm doing, get my paycheck and live life out as we've been taught?"
[That's the case] for most of our generations----take the safe route. Work the corporate ladder. I did both. I like to say that because there was a time when I was working 12-hour shifts in the hospital but at the same time, I was running my own business and working in startups and tech, learning everything I could. I had people around me that were instrumental in helping me combat the imposter syndrome I think everybody has when it comes to navigating and making those career shifts to go from what they know---what is safe--to risking it all and trying something new.
xoN: You spoke about 'generations' and being taught to go the 'safe' career route, and I know you're Ghanaian-Canadian. There are many friends and family I know who are first-generation immigrants, with lineage from Africa and the Caribbean, who have been told the same. How has your upbringing played a role personally for you in your diverse career journey?
TS: My dad came to Canada on a med school scholarship back in the early '60s. Canada had a very small Black population, so it was a huge deal that he was awarded a scholarship to go to Canada to study medicine, which really changed the trajectory of so many people in our family. One of the main tenants that I think Africans have when you go overseas to study is that there are like five professions you go into. And so, I decided to pursue nursing, and even that, it was like, 'Oh, I'm not sure. You should go be a doctor.'
To branch out and do entrepreneurship in the U.S. was a big point of contention in my family, however, I say all that to say that most Africans---and it's very commonplace---have so many jobs.
When I think back to my aunts who stayed in Ghana, they ran businesses---shops, kitchens, clothing businesses. The idea that I could be a multi-hyphenate and that I could do all these things and wear multiple hats---that part is in my blood.
xoN: What is your advice for other women who have a passion for careers considered 'safe' but also want to branch out and fully lean into businesses or other careers?
TS: You've gotta just go for it. Oftentimes, we're our own worst enemy, and we talk ourselves out of it. We want to wait until the timing is right. I've heard this over and over again. The timing is never right, and you just have to go for it.
My second piece of advice is done is better than perfect. I say this often as well. I came from a background of life-or-death decisions, but most decisions you're going to make in building your business are not going to be life or death. I feel like we have to let go of that idea that everything has to be perfect. [We think] we have to go back to school to study business or get that MBA.
There's so much information available online that can help you scale a business, how to market, how to do operations, so done is better than perfect. Just launch it, and you will always---if you're committed to it---be able to reiterate and grow from that. You will be able to make the best decision possible based on getting your business out there.
And last, access your resources. The best resources are right there under your nose. It's vertical resources and horizontal. It might be people in your mastermind group or others who have built businesses and can help you when you hit roadblocks. Others can help you raise money.
There are people out there who are willing to help you. You just have to ask.
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