

17 Pieces Of Advice Our Mothers Gave Us About Sex That Stuck With Us
I received a million lessons about sex when I was growing up and all 999,999 were about being safe to prevent sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy. Being a 17-year-old mother, my mom had been practicing that spiel since before I came out the womb. She had it on lock.
Then there was that one time my father sat a 12-year-old me down over a delightful iHOP meal to tell me that should I let a man f*ck, consequently I could not be upset when he no longer wants anything to do with me. Or at least that's what it translates to in the language of "real ones", but for those of you whose fathers don't sound like a BET: Uncut video, that simply meant don't be upset when you give the milk up for free and men don't want to buy the whole damn cow. One, that's a lie, and two, it's a shame if you have to scheme me out of my cookie at this age.
What's most disappointing was that in all those lessons that I received about sex, not one of them warned me that the dick could have you sprung. That sex could be amazing, orgasmic, and intimate — with or without a ring on it (it being your finger, of course). Even me being grown-grown, my mom is not really one for the sex talk. Glimpses of her being about that life here and there but nothing that has stuck with me.
But as someone who received so many messages about safe sex and still engaged in unprotected sex, I can attest to the the fact that scare tactics under the guise of a helpful lesson won't discourage but encourage curiosity. Still, holding onto hope after one of xoNecole's editors put us up on game based on advice her own mother had given her, we asked our friends, our readers, and our staff to tell us what messages they received about sex and here's what they said:
1. "Turn your eyes instead of confronting your husband about cheating. This was paralleled by my mother teaching me to demand money for attention and for my body."
Getty Images
Wise words from: Grandmother
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"These ideals affected my attitude towards sex because it turned into an exchange of goods instead of an exchange of energy and aligned goals. Today, I had to commit to multiple years of celibacy and self-love to peel back the layers of misguided learnings to design the experience in life and love I desire. Yes, a man should be a provider, but that holds no bearings on him deserving my body just because. Yes, I can forgive indiscretions, but I'm allowed to have boundaries, standards... Anyone not honoring them are telling me how they feel about me." – A.Comeaux
2. "Men who like you shaved down there are pedophiles." – Kyla
3. "Your cat is all you have to give and once you give it away, it's over for you." – xoFollower
4. "The willingness to eat you out was a requirement."
Getty Images
Wise words from: Mom and/or grandma
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"They instilled in me the expectation that sex is pleasurable to me, period. I remember telling them when I lost my virginity, being afraid if they would be ashamed of me or something, my grandmother's first response was literally, 'Was it good?' They regularly taught me that as a woman sex is to be a delightful experience, and any man who makes you feel otherwise isn't a man I should share myself with. It helped me feel confident in my sexual experiences — I've never cared about 'body count', how many people I was seeing in a given period time or any of that stuff. It unleashed the inner 'hoe' that's probably in every woman. I've never felt the need to debate, justify, or explain the female position in casual sex. Likewise, I'm in a perfectly healthy monogamous relationship right now. They helped shape the way I think about myself, and helped me disregard the pressures our society has around women and their sexuality. I didn't live my life trying to be wifey material, whatever the f*ck that is." – Carla
5. "If you have sex you will contract HIV or become a single mother and die alone." – xoFollower
6. "You'll go to hell." – xoFollower
"They regularly taught me that as a woman sex is to be a delightful experience, and any man who makes you feel otherwise isn't a man I should share myself with."
7. "Never let a man get on top of you and hump you like a rabbit. It's not a race."
Getty Images
Wise words from: Auntie
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"I took it to heart. I actually tell [partners] that just so they know to come correct. I told the guy I'm currently talking to that and he spent 30 minutes going down. I make sure I get mine. It has made me more upfront and confident in what I want sexually, it's made me comfortable vocalizing it. If they can't respect that, then they're not the right one." – Kamilah
8. "Boys are nasty. Don't let them touch you." – xoFollower
9. "Every partner you have will take a little piece of you and you'll feel less like yourself each time."
Getty Images
Wise words from: Auntie
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"I love sex and although it's only been in recent years that I made a conscious effort to remain celibate, these words have been taking root in me for years, from the first time I began crying mid-sex to the next two times. I tried to fight it as much as possible since I love sex and all...But the older I got, the more I grew tired of ignoring the burnout that came with meaningless sex for me. I truly felt my partners depleting me of my energy. Some people are built for casual sex, emotionally. I've finally realized that I'm not one of them. I try to be on an annual basis, like literally I try having sex again once a year and it ends in tears. This has made my sex life nearly nonexistent as far as including other partners goes, but I hope that it will give me a more fruitful sex life when I find the right person to have sex with." – Tracey*
10. "If he's horny and you're not, you better give it or he'll find it somewhere else."
Getty Images
Wise words from: Nana
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"It made me feel like sex is something I have with a man to show him I care about him, and in a way, value him more. It's [sex] for consumption and if I don't give it to him, that's grounds for him to be unsatisfied/not love me. So I used sex as a way to get a guy to really be interested in me — a bargaining tool if you will, and a major component of my value as a woman and partner." – Zaniah
11. "Don't let them boys dig in you." – xoFollower
12. "Sometimes you have to set your alarm so you can get it in the morning because men are always ready in the morning."
Getty Images
Wise words from: Mom
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"Although we're a religious family, my parents have always talked about how once married, sex should be pleasurable and it is an act created by God to be enjoyed — not to be ashamed of. I've carried that into my marriage and have a very healthy sex life with my husband. I've always been open to try new things but the comfort and pleasure that comes with sex in marriage when you've been raised to understand that sex is natural, pleasurable, and Christian is maximized." – Mya
13. "A wet ass and an empty purse don't go together." – Rebecca
14. "I'll tell you how to keep em! You gotta put that voodoo p*ssy on them." – Jamillah
15. "Men are dogs and sex is bad." – xoFollower
"I've always been open to try new things but the comfort and pleasure that comes with sex in marriage when you've been raised to understand that sex is natural, pleasurable, and Christian is maximized."
16. "Try it before you buy it."
Getty Images
Wise words from:Mom
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"It gave me the confidence to go out into the world and be as sexual as I desired, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I don't feel disappointed in myself or the experience, I just look at the glass half full and am always grateful that I found out sooner than later." – Sam
17. "Cop a feel. Make sure it's real." – Shellie
After speaking to so many different women about the different things they've learned from women before them about sex, I am fully aware that some of these messages have gray areas. I also recognize the danger of pushing an abstinence-only agenda. Depending on how you flex your sexuality, the placement of some of these will resonate with you more than others. Really, it's simple: We must be sure to educate our daughters on the pleasure principles while simultaneously stressing the difficulties of teenage pregnancy and the potential dangers that arise with sexually transmitted infections.
There's a way to go about it and some of the stuff I read above — that ain't it. So, lets vow to do better. Let's cancel this rhetoric of sex being "unlady-like" in adolescents because, for some of us, it's making good sex hard to come by in adulthood. Now, I'd like to hear from you. What have the women before you taught you about sex? How has it shaped your sexuality or your sex life today?
All images by Getty Images.
Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
This post is in partnership with BET+.
Kingdom Business is back for its second season, with even more sermons, songs, and serpents. The series picks up where it left off, with actress Serayah as Rbel caught between the stripper pole and the pulpit. With the first lady of the church working desperately against her, Rbel must find a way to live her dreams and honor her friend while figuring out her faith in the process.
Season one served a collection plate of rivalry, deceit, and revenge –– among many other tribulations. Between the 28-year-old’s acting, conviction, and harmonious voice, here are a few reasons why season two of Kingdom Business is a must-watch.
If the Spirit Doesn’t Move You, Serayah’s Singing Voice Will
Rbel, formally known as Rebecca Belle, is a stripper whose life forcibly takes a turn after suffering a tragedy. Through her quest to find the truth, Rbel finds herself at odds with the head of a local church, First Kingdom’s Denita Jordan, played by the legendary Yolanda Adams. Rbel unknowingly emerges as what a faithful Christian embodies: a perfectly imperfect human who works every day to try their best while leaning on God. Although struggling with her faith, each ballad sung by Rbel can be felt, as the lyrics relate to personal struggles we all endure in different ways. Gospel songs hit differently when your life is in shambles, and chile, Serayah is singing new life into folks.
Serayah is a Formidable Opponent to The Yolanda Adams
As one of the best-selling gospel artists of all time, it’s no easy task to take on the role of a person on the opposing side of greatness. Serayah’s Rbel does an excellent job meeting Jordan at her level while shining through her solos. Throughout season one, Rbel emerges as a top streaming artist, an accomplishment that begets something of a holy war.
Serayah’s Acting Range is Engaging
As a former stripper trying to make a name for herself in the gospel industry, you can imagine the struggles that could come with it. Rbel goes through a range of emotions, all understandable and relatable. Despite several crises of faith, Serayah ensures Rbel delivers a humbling performance that makes the audience root for her redemption.
The Kingdom Business Soundtrack is Everything
Streaming now on Spotify, Tidal, and Apple Music, the Kingdom Business: Season 1 soundtrack is one you’d want to add to your playlist for high and low times. Aside from four soul-soothing songs from Serayah, the soundtrack also features singles from co-star/Hamilton’s Chaundre-Hall Broomfield, gospel artist Chandler Moore, and legend Yolanda Adams.
Serayah’s Rbel Makes You Root For Her
With First Kingdom beginning to crumble under the pressure of lies, infidelity, and deception, Rbel’s window to take that top spot seems wide open; however, the end of season one showed us the Spirit had other plans. Whether you believe or not, Serayah’s Rbel makes you want to see her win. Who doesn’t love a good underdog with a laid 22” bust down? Whether she seeks Him or not, God is proving to be on Rbel’s side. But is it enough to turn everything around for her? Will Rbel lean on faith or fear?
With secrets coming to light, success within reach, and the devastating conclusion of season one, you don’t want to miss season two––especially with more guest collaborations. Kingdom Business returns to BET+ on Nov 2.
BET+ Original | Kingdom Business | S2 Official Traileryoutu.be
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image via Getty Images
The Q4 Glow-Up Plan You Need To Plant The Seeds For A Successful 2024
When you reflect on your wins from this year and what you’d like to get out of the rest of 2023, what comes to mind?
Are there fitness goals you want to put into action? Is there a follower count you’d like to hit on social media? Maybe you hope to land your next dream job. Whatever the case may be, the end of the year has a way of illuminating our personal goals — and when prioritized correctly, they’re more than possible to obtain.
Depending on what kind of year you’ve had, you may opt for a soft landing to cap off the end of the year, while others may use the last remaining days to pack in final goals and lay the foundation for the year ahead.
And if you’ve been anywhere near TikTok these days, you may have noticed that many users are getting a head start on their 2024 plans to “become unrecognizable'' and are using a new strategy to do so.
Enter the Q4 Glow Up Plan.
Your Q4 2024 Glow Up Plan
@jodiektay Your 2024 glow up starts now! All the things you need to do to have your best year yet #jodiesgems #networking #glowup #glowuptips #personalbrand #greenscreen
You might be thinking that a Q4 Glow Up Plan is just another variation for a vision board or simple goal setting, but it’s a lot more than that. It’s a game plan. This strategic roadmap helps individuals optimize the few days left in the year so that life doesn’t just happen to you, but instead, gives you direction on where your time and energy goes.
The concept was recently popularized by TikTok creator and a corporate senior director, Jodie Taylor. She explains that the plan allows you to give your life a SWOT analysis (a marketing term meaning strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats) to identify areas of growth.
Taylor “has a plan for everything,” which sparked the inspiration behind the Glow-Up Plan.
During the pandemic, she utilized her free time to consult with a life coach, therapist, and physical trainer; a decision that ultimately changed the trajectory of her life. “I began to see the net benefit of what it looks like when you have support and you're intentional over the course of three months or six months and co-create your life,” she tells xoNecole.
Many of us become motivated to regain control over our lives after spending weeks or even months on auto-pilot, only to wake up and not know where the days went. Approaching the end of the year from a place of strategy not only provides us with a routine to follow but also gives us tangible steps to follow in order to awaken the change we desire.
"I began to see the net benefit of what it looks like when you have support and you're intentional over the course of three months or six months and co-create your life."
@jodiektay Part 2 of your 2024 Glow Up Plan #jodiesgems #networking #glowup #glowuptips #personalbrand #greenscreen
But before we can take action, we must first reflect.
“Optimize and reflect back on how you felt in the past year,” she says. “What did you enjoy the most and what experiences do you want more of — whether that's financial freedom, increased relationship, or social network? How can you do your best to ensure that you are creating the roadmap and intentionality to have next year look even better.”
Striving to achieve numerous goals in a limited time can be an overwhelming experience. Thankfully, there are tools in place that can help us move in the right direction. For starters, Taylor recommends using a wellness wheel as a “diagnostics test” to rate the top areas of your life from 1-10.
“See what you're really happy and excited about and what areas of your life that you wish looked differently,” she says. “Then you can create your wellness or glow-up plan from there.”
Taylor likes to break down her glow-up plan into four main quadrants: physical appearance, social, career/finances, and intellectual/spiritual. For professional and personal development in particular, she’s found success in building new connections by attending conferences and galas, joining local junior boards, and investing in a life coach in order to grow her network and build confidence.
“Having ownership of your life is such a freeing feeling,” she says. “I think there's times when you feel like a passive bystander in your own life. But life is so rewarding when you have a clear vision of what you want your life to look like; but more importantly, feel like.”
Ultimately, glowing up by the end of the year is more than just doing an internet trend to change your outward appearance — it’s about leveling up your mindset and self-concept to believe that you’re both worthy and deserving of your dream life.
If you see what you’re capable of in just 30 or 60 days, imagine what you’ll achieve when the next 365 come back around.
“I think sometimes the action comes before the thought,” she says. “Meaning that when you practice these things, you slowly begin to change how you think about yourself. If you fundamentally want to change your life and change how you view yourself, committing to small actions and identifying changes over time will gradually transform you into that person.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images