I received a million lessons about sex when I was growing up and all 999,999 were about being safe to prevent sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy. Being a 17-year-old mother, my mom had been practicing that spiel since before I came out the womb. She had it on lock.
Then there was that one time my father sat a 12-year-old me down over a delightful iHOP meal to tell me that should I let a man f*ck, consequently I could not be upset when he no longer wants anything to do with me. Or at least that's what it translates to in the language of "real ones", but for those of you whose fathers don't sound like a BET: Uncut video, that simply meant don't be upset when you give the milk up for free and men don't want to buy the whole damn cow. One, that's a lie, and two, it's a shame if you have to scheme me out of my cookie at this age.
What's most disappointing was that in all those lessons that I received about sex, not one of them warned me that the dick could have you sprung. That sex could be amazing, orgasmic, and intimate — with or without a ring on it (it being your finger, of course). Even me being grown-grown, my mom is not really one for the sex talk. Glimpses of her being about that life here and there but nothing that has stuck with me.
But as someone who received so many messages about safe sex and still engaged in unprotected sex, I can attest to the the fact that scare tactics under the guise of a helpful lesson won't discourage but encourage curiosity. Still, holding onto hope after one of xoNecole's editors put us up on game based on advice her own mother had given her, we asked our friends, our readers, and our staff to tell us what messages they received about sex and here's what they said:
1. "Turn your eyes instead of confronting your husband about cheating. This was paralleled by my mother teaching me to demand money for attention and for my body."
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Wise words from: Grandmother
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"These ideals affected my attitude towards sex because it turned into an exchange of goods instead of an exchange of energy and aligned goals. Today, I had to commit to multiple years of celibacy and self-love to peel back the layers of misguided learnings to design the experience in life and love I desire. Yes, a man should be a provider, but that holds no bearings on him deserving my body just because. Yes, I can forgive indiscretions, but I'm allowed to have boundaries, standards... Anyone not honoring them are telling me how they feel about me." – A.Comeaux
2. "Men who like you shaved down there are pedophiles." – Kyla
3. "Your cat is all you have to give and once you give it away, it's over for you." – xoFollower
4. "The willingness to eat you out was a requirement."
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Wise words from: Mom and/or grandma
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"They instilled in me the expectation that sex is pleasurable to me, period. I remember telling them when I lost my virginity, being afraid if they would be ashamed of me or something, my grandmother's first response was literally, 'Was it good?' They regularly taught me that as a woman sex is to be a delightful experience, and any man who makes you feel otherwise isn't a man I should share myself with. It helped me feel confident in my sexual experiences — I've never cared about 'body count', how many people I was seeing in a given period time or any of that stuff. It unleashed the inner 'hoe' that's probably in every woman. I've never felt the need to debate, justify, or explain the female position in casual sex. Likewise, I'm in a perfectly healthy monogamous relationship right now. They helped shape the way I think about myself, and helped me disregard the pressures our society has around women and their sexuality. I didn't live my life trying to be wifey material, whatever the f*ck that is." – Carla
5. "If you have sex you will contract HIV or become a single mother and die alone." – xoFollower
6. "You'll go to hell." – xoFollower
"They regularly taught me that as a woman sex is to be a delightful experience, and any man who makes you feel otherwise isn't a man I should share myself with."
7. "Never let a man get on top of you and hump you like a rabbit. It's not a race."
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Wise words from: Auntie
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"I took it to heart. I actually tell [partners] that just so they know to come correct. I told the guy I'm currently talking to that and he spent 30 minutes going down. I make sure I get mine. It has made me more upfront and confident in what I want sexually, it's made me comfortable vocalizing it. If they can't respect that, then they're not the right one." – Kamilah
8. "Boys are nasty. Don't let them touch you." – xoFollower
9. "Every partner you have will take a little piece of you and you'll feel less like yourself each time."
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Wise words from: Auntie
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"I love sex and although it's only been in recent years that I made a conscious effort to remain celibate, these words have been taking root in me for years, from the first time I began crying mid-sex to the next two times. I tried to fight it as much as possible since I love sex and all...But the older I got, the more I grew tired of ignoring the burnout that came with meaningless sex for me. I truly felt my partners depleting me of my energy. Some people are built for casual sex, emotionally. I've finally realized that I'm not one of them. I try to be on an annual basis, like literally I try having sex again once a year and it ends in tears. This has made my sex life nearly nonexistent as far as including other partners goes, but I hope that it will give me a more fruitful sex life when I find the right person to have sex with." – Tracey*
10. "If he's horny and you're not, you better give it or he'll find it somewhere else."
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Wise words from: Nana
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"It made me feel like sex is something I have with a man to show him I care about him, and in a way, value him more. It's [sex] for consumption and if I don't give it to him, that's grounds for him to be unsatisfied/not love me. So I used sex as a way to get a guy to really be interested in me — a bargaining tool if you will, and a major component of my value as a woman and partner." – Zaniah
11. "Don't let them boys dig in you." – xoFollower
12. "Sometimes you have to set your alarm so you can get it in the morning because men are always ready in the morning."
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Wise words from: Mom
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"Although we're a religious family, my parents have always talked about how once married, sex should be pleasurable and it is an act created by God to be enjoyed — not to be ashamed of. I've carried that into my marriage and have a very healthy sex life with my husband. I've always been open to try new things but the comfort and pleasure that comes with sex in marriage when you've been raised to understand that sex is natural, pleasurable, and Christian is maximized." – Mya
13. "A wet ass and an empty purse don't go together." – Rebecca
14. "I'll tell you how to keep em! You gotta put that voodoo p*ssy on them." – Jamillah
15. "Men are dogs and sex is bad." – xoFollower
"I've always been open to try new things but the comfort and pleasure that comes with sex in marriage when you've been raised to understand that sex is natural, pleasurable, and Christian is maximized."
16. "Try it before you buy it."
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Wise words from:Mom
How did it shape your attitude towards sex? How did it affect your sex life in adulthood?
"It gave me the confidence to go out into the world and be as sexual as I desired, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I don't feel disappointed in myself or the experience, I just look at the glass half full and am always grateful that I found out sooner than later." – Sam
17. "Cop a feel. Make sure it's real." – Shellie
After speaking to so many different women about the different things they've learned from women before them about sex, I am fully aware that some of these messages have gray areas. I also recognize the danger of pushing an abstinence-only agenda. Depending on how you flex your sexuality, the placement of some of these will resonate with you more than others. Really, it's simple: We must be sure to educate our daughters on the pleasure principles while simultaneously stressing the difficulties of teenage pregnancy and the potential dangers that arise with sexually transmitted infections.
There's a way to go about it and some of the stuff I read above — that ain't it. So, lets vow to do better. Let's cancel this rhetoric of sex being "unlady-like" in adolescents because, for some of us, it's making good sex hard to come by in adulthood. Now, I'd like to hear from you. What have the women before you taught you about sex? How has it shaped your sexuality or your sex life today?
All images by Getty Images.
Between men either implying or flat-out saying that after paying a certain amount of money on a date (or flying someone out), sex should be expected and women and their long (and oftentimes super annoying) TikToks about how a man should damn near break the bank on the first date and/or pay for whomever they choose to bring along (which is mad rude, by the way) — the transactional approach to something that once was way more intentional, pure and holistically beneficial has really got out of hand.
And although I can’t stop an avalanche once it’s begun (no one can), it is my hope that this piece will restore some integrity back to what was designed to bring genuine connections together — not make booty calls easier or Instagram posts imitate dates from The Bachelor/The Bachelorette franchise (or whatever not-so-reality-based show that’s on these days). By the way, 21 years into both of those shows, although there have been 34 proposals, only six couples are still married. That’s not a success story; that is utterly ridiculous.
So, let’s tackle dating in a way that can actually bring some sanity, practicality, and, shoot, dare I say, virtue back into it by restoring a bit of order when it comes to what dating should actually be about.
When You Don’t Know the Purpose of Something, You Will Misuse It
@sdrelationshiptalk Tag someone who could use these questions ❤️ #relationships #datingtips #marriageadvice #dayingadvice #blacklove
I’m pretty sure that it comes as no shocker that I am a huge fan of healthy relationships. I am also a big-time investor in Black love and an advocate for Black men. So much, in fact, that I have been known to say, pretty consistently, in fact, that I have been customized for a Black man. No one else is an option. Hey, that’s just me.
And because I do spend so much time writing about relationships, working with couples, and hopefully helping people to see themselves in a light that will cause the light in others to reflect the best back to them (in their relationships), I constantly encourage others to move in purpose when it comes to dating.
The definitions of purpose include “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” and “an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal.” So yes, when it comes to dating before anyone shares their time, energy, feelings, resources, body parts, or anything else, it’s imperative — crucial even — that they spend some serious, sobering, and significant time figuring out the reason behind why they want and then choose to date, along with what they ultimately desire to get out of doing so.
And that’s why I thought it would be a good idea to lead this all off with the TikTok post above. Because sis definitely dates with a clear purpose (the first date?! Wasted no time!). Do I think that a first date has to be this…heavy? No. Oftentimes, a first date is about seeing if there is any chemistry that could possibly evolve into a connection — and that’s why I’m all about short ones like coffee dates, drinks, and/or appetizers; it’s not about a man “getting off cheap,” it’s about both of you trying to figure out if something is there. If there is, there will be a second date. If not, no harm, no foul on either side.
Anyway, when it comes to this particular couple’s journey (she used the word “fiancé” so clearly her approach paid off for her), again, even though a first date can certainly go much lighter than this, I do salute the fact that she provided a stellar example of what it means to know what your purpose is for dating so that you know how to move — and what to expect based on your personal standards and even convictions — while you’re dating. Good stuff.
So, how did dating become what, in my opinion, is the colossal-ishshow that it currently is? It’s because, as I oftentimes say, when you don’t know the purpose of something (or someone), you will be almost guaranteed to abuse (abnormally use) or misuse it — and if you ask a lot of folks who yap about their dating expectations to explain their purpose for dating in the first place…many of them will have absolutely no clue. And that’s truly sad. In many ways, it’s counterproductive as well.
Dating. Revisited.
GiphyIt’s kind of another message for another time yet, just like it irks me to hear single guys say that they expect single women to submit to them (even the Bible says that submission is for marriage, and yes, we’ll have to tackle that topic on another day; I do wish more people understood its purpose better, though — Ephesians 5:21-33[AMPC], I Peter 3:1-7[AMPC], Colossians 3:18-20). What I think they actually mean is they like the femininity of a woman to show up during the dating process. Anyway, along these same lines, I don’t like how dating and courting overlap, either.
Let’s deal with dating first.
If you were to talk to, probably your great-grandparents at this point about the topic of dating, they would probably say that there is no need to go out on a lot of dates with someone unless you see some real potential there. As antiquated as that might sound, it’s a mindset that can also keep you from wasting time, it can potentially spare you from investing in something that isn’t really going anywhere, and it can prevent you from moving too quickly (on the emotional and physical tip — check out “Ever Wonder If You're Moving Too Fast In A Relationship?”).
Because, if you’re dating with a clear purpose and say that it’s so you can transition into courting, then engagement, and then marriage — why date for years on end? Yeah, dating is like the “first base” of getting to know someone.
Now am I saying that only people who want to get married should date? Contrary to what a lot of church culture thinks, no. Personally, I get that not everyone desires marriage (check out “Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON’T Desire Marriage?” and “12 Couples Reveal Why They're Happy With A Long-Term Commitment Instead Of Marriage”) — and they shouldn’t be forfeited romantic companionship because of it. In fact, I respect people who value marriage so much that they know, ahead of time, that they don’t want to play with it; not enough people see it from that relational lens.
However, even if marriage isn’t on your menu, you still need to have a purpose for dating, and you still need to be intentional about seeing if the individual who is sitting across from you is on the same page as you are — whatever that page may be. And so, it’s a good idea to not be so transactional in your mindset that you cheapen the entire experience.
How? Probably one of the easiest ways to describe a transactional kind of relationship is it’s something that you see as not much more than a lop-sided business dynamic. All you care about is how you can benefit and what your demands are. There is very little compromise or mutuality — and that makes it hard for anything with a healthy emotional foundation to evolve.
And honestly, that’s why a lot of guys tend to sound so cold and flippant when they talk about dismissing a woman who won’t give them any after a date (or trip), or a lot of women sound so rude and inconsiderate while “grading” their dates or who they are dating — things have become so transactional that there is no real connection beyond “what can I get out of this as quickly as possible?” — and that hinders a fulfilling dating experience and almost always sabotages the possibility for courtship.
Courting. Revisited.
GiphyAs I’ve already stated, Black men are always gonna be my preference. That doesn’t mean I don’t know fine when it comes to other ethnicities when I see it, though, and looka here — some of y’all will probably have no clue who I’m talking about, but Michael Landon, the man who played Charles Ingalls on the Little House on the Prairie, was fine and then some mo’ fine.
Anyway, there are many things that I still appreciate about that show. One of them is how they modeled courtship back in the late 1800s. When a young man was interested in a young woman, he would go to her parents (specifically her father) with his plan for how long it would take him to build a home and provide for her so that he could propose marriage and, after the wedding, move directly into their new home. Typically, if the plan was going to take more than a couple of years, the parents wouldn’t be interested in giving their blessing.
Lawd, how far we have gotten away from this — and I’m not convinced that we’ve elevated. Yet the main point I’m making is dating, and courting were never designed to be the same thing. Dating is about seeing if you want to transition into courting, so that you can either get engaged or go into something more serious and long-term. And what this means is no, men nor women should expect (and definitely not demand) “courting privileges” during the dating season. Meaning, why should someone be paying someone else’s bills while dating? Why should someone expect marital duties to be performed while merely dating? THEY SHOULDN’T. Both directions.
Until it’s been clearly and mutually articulated that both individuals want to do life together, as a couple, on a very serious and committed level, courting is not to transpire — only dating is. And that means that people need to remain in a state of simply enjoying someone’s company while collecting the data/intel that they need in order to decide if they should move forward with someone or…not.
Bottom line, dating and courting are not to be used interchangeably; their purpose and agendas are quite different.
No One Is OWED Anything
GiphyA couple of nights ago, while having dinner with my godchildren’s mother, one of the things that we discussed is how entitled my older goddaughter (who is officially a preteen now) is. An example is my telling her that if she found some sneakers for $85 before tax, I would get them for her birthday. When she went on to say that she only prefers Air Force 1s (this kid), I went on to tell her that she took the entire joy out of getting her anything because of her entitled attitude.
“She’s gonna be someone who guys are not going to be interested in dating if she keeps this up,” I said to her mother after she shared with me that after coming back from a camp that cost a pretty penny, just hours into being home, my goddaughter was whining about how boring her life is at home. Whew, chile.
Entitlement is unattractive. ENTITLEMENT IS UNATTRACTIVE. Why? Because the message it sends is that someone owes you what they have. Plus, there tends to be a total lack of graciousness if you happen to receive whatever you’re expecting — and no one who values themselves or their time wants to be around someone like that. And yet, here we are, watching the entitlement of so many people rise to a fever pitch in our culture, especially when it comes to dating.
And here’s the real trip — no, you are not entitled to what someone has just “because you are worth it” and the same thing goes for them when it comes to you. Owing someone is about being obligated or indebted, and that’s why the whole “a man should pay hundreds on a first date” mantra is ridiculous to me. What makes him obligated to do that for someone he barely knows? What have you done for him that makes him indebted to you on that level?
In a time in our culture where more narcissists are being created (and even cultivated) than ever, it’s important to keep in mind that people who are entitled are self-absorbed, have a puffed-up attitude, are typically quite difficult to get along with, do not reciprocate in relationships and suck at listening. Who wants to even attempt to build with someone like that?
You know, one time I spent, hell, more time than I should’ve, watching TikTok posts on dating standards. One woman (who I will spare by not linking her into all of this) had a list of about 20 things and started off her video by saying, “You know, I have been on many, many dates…”
Sometimes I wonder if people listen to themselves before they hit publish on their videos because if you’ve got a ton of first dates with not much else to show for it, you might want to revisit if all that you think you deserve (check out “Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means?”) or are owed on a first date is actually working for you or…against you. Because while you’re calling them “standards” what they really might be is super unrealistic dating demands.
This brings me to my next point.
Standards and (Unrealistic) Demands Are Totally Different
GiphyWhen it comes to the topic of standards, I once heard someone define them as being a healthy set of boundaries (or limits), principles, values, morals, ethics, and habits that you choose to base your life on. That said, if there’s something else that social media has done (to our overall detriment), it’s provided a platform for people to loudly use words without really knowing the core essence of their meaning.
That said, an example of thinking that an unrealistic demand is somehow a dating standard is saying that you want a 6-6-6 man (check out “Okay, So Here's What You Need To Know About the '6-6-6' Man”) and yet, in your mind, he should text you several times a day or immediately answer every call. Ask any super ambitious man (or the woman who is with him), and they will tell you that they have to manage their time, almost down to the second, in order to meet their (oftentimes daily) goals. This means that testing him to see if he will be at your beck and call? That isn’t really about boundaries or values — c’mon…that’s either about a profound insecurity or it’s about being consumed with getting a shot of ego boosts on a daily basis.
And that’s what can jack a lot of people up when it comes to dating in these days and times too — both men and women. Yeah, I have this conversation with men as well. You want someone you’re dating to cook for you all of the time? What man needs that? What is ethical about it? And how does taking that kind of stance put you into the mindset of being grateful if you feel like she is required to do so? And what would make a woman want to marry you if you’re already acting that way?
So yeah, it’s definitely a good idea to set your own ego aside and ponder which of your dating standards are actual standards and which ones are basically ridiculous. And before you offer pushback by saying that if your standards are too high, “oh well,” let’s bring any angle about double standards as I close out.
Remember the Golden Rule. Always.
GiphySomething that oftentimes tickles me when I talk to singles about what they expect in a future partner is how so many of them have these long ass laundry lists about what they require, and yet, when I ask them if they have achieved or accomplished what’s on their list, suddenly they’re either deflecting or irritated. He’s gotta make six figures and have great credit when you make $30K (gross), and your credit score is barely scratching 550? She’s gotta have a banging body when you’ve got plenty of girth around the middle? Why are you out here thinking it’s so easy for someone to have or be what you desire…when you’re (general "you") not even those things yourself? Please stop.
That’s another ridiculous thing about transactional dating culture, for sure. Far too many folks are out here expecting what they absolutely are not — and yes, that is a double standard. Know what else it is? It’s hypocritical as all get out. Besides, someone who hits even 80 percent of your list, guess what? They are more than justified to expect you to be what you asked of them. And either that should be a humbling revelation or something that makes you want to revise your list or commit to doing some serious self-work before going out on a new string of dates.
Yeah, I can only imagine how much the quality of dating would shift, for the better, if people committed to implementing the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you — or, in this case, be what you require. Because when you genuinely and sincerely come from this frame of mind, it’s hard to be transactional because you are more focused on being realistic and holistically beneficial.
And that, my friends, should be the framework for dating.
Be real: is it yours?
If not…why not?
No one wants to be treated like nothing more than a basic transaction. So, let’s all lead by example out here in this dating (and social media) streets. Straight up.
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