How Do You Repair The Damage After A Friend Fight? 5 ‘Insecure’ Fans Sound-Off
It took me several days to recover from Issa and Molly's epic friend breakup at the block party (tbh, I still have PTSD every time I think about it). So, it's only right this week's episode of Insecure turned things down a few notches and took us through the aftermath of the situation.
Spoiler alert…
This episode picks up the very next day after the block party blowup. We see Issa go through all the motions to get over her fight with Molly by trying to distract herself with some coronavirus-level home cleaning, a paint and sip that turns into a dine and dash, and few other good doings gone awry. At the end of the episode, she finds herself literally facing Molly sitting inside their favorite Ethopian eatery. Instead, of confronting her though, she decides to walk away.
Nooooooooo Issa Deeee! Go talk to herrrr!! #InsecureHBO I get it tho. pic.twitter.com/e4P49YStst
— Kendrick Sampson (@kendrick38) May 18, 2020
The real-life Nathan played by actor, Kendrick Sampson, summed it up best for me with his tweet above. While I'm telling my friends how I'm stressed AF waiting for Issa and Molly to just say all the things they need to say to each other, I'm also an Issa Dee. Meaning, I avoid confrontation like it's the 'rona, especially when I'm hurt by the situation. In order to reconcile, it takes vulnerability and being able to verbalize your point without losing your cool—these are not my strong suits. I need time to gather myself together and sometimes even the perfect opportunity presents itself, if I'm not ready I'll retreat. In short, if the other party involved is waiting for me to speak up, they're going to be waiting a LONG time.
My advice from experience: Don't be an Issa Dee.
We have yet to get Molly's POV, which looks like (from the preview) it's coming next week, so I can't tell you whether or not to follow her lead but I did reach out to some Insecure fans to ask:
How do you repair the damage after a friend fight? Do you break the ice or wait for the other person to?
Taking Responsibility For Your Part Is The First Step
"In the past, when I've had an argument with a friend that caused us to not speak for a while, she invited me out to dinner to apologize and hash things out. I think taking responsibility for your words and actions is the first step to reconciling with a friend after a fight.
"If neither person does that, then I don't really see how you can move on and have a healthy friendship, if you even had one at all.
"In my experience, people lose friendships because no one thinks they're wrong or they're waiting for the other person to reach out to them. If you value the person and love them, just reach out. If you have a friendship like Molly and Issa's, then I think there's a chance to reconcile if the two people come with an open heart and take responsibility for their part in the disruption of the friendship." –Ayana Gotay
Sometimes You Will Have To Humble Yourself
"Repairing a friendship after a fight can be tricky. Sometimes you need to clear your head space, give yourself a day or two. But don't let too much time pass because, like Kelli said, the longer you wait the harder it is to fix. If the friendship is important to you, sometimes you will have to humble yourself and apologize or at least open the door for a conversation to be had with a simple 'hello, can we talk' text or call." –AmiyahDeziire, Author, Midnight Confessions
Talk About It Over A Bite To Eat
"I know myself and it usually takes me about two days to get over something. If you were really my friend, I'm going to hit you up and ask you, 'Are you hungry?' If the answer is 'yes', then let's go get something to eat and hash it out." –Marco Cayetano,Sales, Vast Auto
Life Is Too Short To Be Carrying Beefs
"[I have] zero problem being the bigger man. [I'm] way too old and life is too short be to carrying beefs at this point in my life. A quick text or a call; whatever's gonna get the job done. Nine of out ten [times], the issue isn't even that serious and is a result of a misunderstanding. So, my advice to everyone is don't let issues linger and squash the beef and get to the [root of the] problem." –Nagier Chambers, YouTuber, Big Gold Belt Media
No Half-Ass Apology… We Are Meeting Face To Face
"To be honest, if I was Issa I would confront Molly (maybe not the next day, way too soon) but I would get my thoughts together and replay everything in my head that went wrong. I would ask myself, 'What did I do/what did I say/when did I start feeling some type of way?' I would hold myself accountable for my actions, therefore I can understand where the other person is coming from. I would also get a second opinion, because that individual can put into perspective the cause of the fight.
"The phrase 'it's not you, it's me' could be the main reason for the argument.
"Molly and Issa could be fighting personal demons and insecurities within themselves, that don't pertain to their friendship. Regarding repairing a relationship/friendship, everyone involved has to give 100%. No half-ass apology, we are meeting face to face, we are communicating efficiently, and comprehending thoroughly. And if it's worth fighting for, you will find a way to reconcile, and move forward." –Kateri Fischer, On-Air Scheduling Coordinator, BET Networks
Featured image via Insecure/HBO
Jazmine A. Ortiz is a creative born and raised in Bushwick, Brooklyn and currently living in Staten Island, NY. She started in the entertainment industry in 2012 and now works as a Lifestyle Editor where she explores everything from mental health to vegan foodie trends. For more on what she's doing in the digital space follow her on Instagram at @liddle_bitt.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I Took Three Months Off From Work In The Name Of Radical Self-Preservation
In the fourth quarter of 2023, I finally did it. I pulled the plug! To be honest, it was a long time coming. I spent years juggling all of the balls in my life, and on October 2, 2023, I dropped every one of them and fell into surrender mode.
I couldn’t take it anymore - work, family, relationships, politics, death, the ramifications of COVID-19, and my fears creeping in. I had either put off dealing with these things, or I simply didn’t want to acknowledge them. Instead, my time, energy, and focus were on everyone and everything beside me. I pushed myself to the limit; then everything started to consume me. Burnout was swallowing me whole, you feel me?
All of this forced me to do some much-needed introspection which I turned into my self-proclaimed, "Fade to Black Season."
What is a “Fade to Black Season,” you may ask?
It’s a call to rest.
It’s a call to reset.
It’s a call to retreat into a deep, quiet space.
It’s radical self-preservation.
Deciding to step back from everything was not an easy decision for me. I contemplated taking a break from everything for many years until I couldn’t put it off anymore. If I didn’t take this time off, I knew I wouldn’t be able to truly show up for the life that I claimed that I wanted for myself.
I know I’m not the only one who has felt this immense weight on their shoulders. Why? Because I’m a Black woman. According to Every Level Leadership, 88% of Black women sometimes often, or always have experienced burnout. And let’s be honest here - Black women work harder than any other group. We are the backbone of our jobs, families, and community. Because of this, we must incorporate rest as an integral part of our well-being. In case there’s some pushback, I’ll leave this quote here for you to marinate on:
“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.” - Zora Neale Hurston
The reality is that with piles of work and life obligations, many of us are walking time bombs. And, for me, two weeks of PTO/vacation wasn’t enough time needed to balance myself, so I took three months off. If you feel called to do so, let this be your inspiration to take your own “Fade to Black Season.”
Here’s what I did.
- Shadow Work: I became best friends with my journal and illuminated the things I hid from myself to heal. Shadow work consists of the things you don’t like about yourself, your conscious and unconscious fears, and other negative emotions that exist due to past experiences and trauma.
- Trigger Warning: During this time, I let my triggers become my wisest teacher. I asked myself why various experiences, news, or communications resulted in negativity. I observed them, listened, and learned why they took up so much space in my life. Then, I allowed myself to choose to be open to a different outcome or feeling moving forward.
- Get Back To Pleasure: I re-centered my pleasure. I had to remind myself of what turned me on. I allowed myself to take life slowly, engage my senses, and play. I signed up for every tantra workshop, went to art museums in the middle of the day, took movement classes, and went to dance parties. I moved all the stagnant energy out of my body.
- Let Others Lift You Up: I let my people love on me. I let my loved ones take care of me. This wasn’t easy. I was used to being everyone’s support system and soft space to land. However, in my time of need, I finally let my tribe show up and show out for me. My only regret is not letting them do this sooner.
- Social Media Break: I broke up with social media during this time. Reclaiming my time and attention was an integral factor in calming my nervous system. I put blockers on my phone, and when I felt the urge to swipe and scroll, I took a walk or picked up a book.
- Redefine Your Life: After doing this type of work, I knew that I would never be the same. In this new space, boundaries and balance are prioritized, and everything else has to fall in line. I now have the mental/emotional space and capacity to do my best work!
Best of all, during this time, I found God in myself, and I loved her, fiercely.
My “Fade To Black" Season allowed me to grieve in peace, rest, tap into unrelenting joy, and simply be. At this point, me and peace got a good thing going on. Nothing else will be tolerated!
For those of you who are nervous about taking the first step, use The Dufree Foundation’s DIY Sabbatical Guide to help you plan, prep, and prepare yourself for your sabbatical - this is something I wish I had done before I leaped. Consider going on a Divine Pause Retreat to learn tips and tricks to avoid mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual burnout.
For those who work in social impact, apply for The Durfee Sabbatical program, which offers $60,000 and a three-month sabbatical, so nonprofit leaders can be a lever for whole systems change.
The choice to take a sabbatical is up to you! Just remember to prioritize yourself and never pour from an empty cup.
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Featured image by Maskot/Getty Images
