We all have been heartbroken, disappointed, and downtrodden at one point or another in our lives. It's essential to take time to heal the parts of us that need a little TLC and get over the slump. It's also just as important to know when we are past certain moments and set ourselves up to get back on our feet braver and better than before.
As women, we pour so much into everything and everyone but oftentimes that same energy isn't reciprocated. We can often lose ourselves in the development and success of everyone else, and that self-doubt can dim the light on what we have to offer to the world. Taking a step back to recognize how much of a powerhouse you are can really knock the doubt out of us and bring us back to the reality of who we really are and bring out that goddess essence from within. Keep reading for 4 tangible tips on how to regain your personal power:
1.Reprogram Your Mind
We are all too familiar with the saying "what you think is what you get"; well, in this case, whatever you believe of yourself is exactly what your current reality will present itself as. Instead of fearing what could happen or why something turned out in an unexpected manner, change your thought pattern to focusing on what can go right for you and what you've learned in the process.
You are both the narrator and the main character in your life story. Change the narrative from thinking things can't or won't get better, to accepting the current circumstances in your life and putting your time and energy into figuring out what's the next move after this moment.
When you reveal the lesson meant to be taught and look forward to the things next to come, you don't have time to focus on the "why" of things, your focus will be consumed with the "what's to come".
2.Engage in Activity
Keep it pushing, Queen, in the most literal sense. To truly remain the core of who we are, we have to allow ourselves time to do the things that we love. Occupying our time with our favorite things to do like yoga, working out, dancing, catching up on your favorite shows or even doing the dirty deed (sex that is), allows us to not only keep busy but keeps us in the right frame of mind to not lose ourselves in the midst of this thing called life.
By staying active, we hold the power to not let anyone steal those little pieces of joy that keep us feeling alive. It's important to have a moment to ourselves and make room for your "you time".
3.Cleanse Your Circle & Surroundings
If nothing else matters in our lives, we know that the company we keep speaks volumes about everything we stand for. Birds of a feather flock together and in this case, you don't want to be a part of the Bitter Chicks Club. The people you surround yourself with should be nothing short of supportive, like-minded, positive, and motivating at the very least. During the moments when we are at our lowest, we should have people in our corner that are encouraging and understanding of what we may be going through.
You can't expect to level up if you have a circle full of Negative Nancys filling your mind with things that are irrelevant to getting over the slump. Don't be afraid to get rid of people and things that no longer match the frequency and vibe you're trying to experience. They say "no new friends" but, honestly, some of the old ones may have passed their expiration date along time ago. Out with the old and in with the new. Let things go that no longer suit the women you are trying to become.
4.Stay True to Your Standards
It doesn't always have to be a losing battle when it comes to having things your way. Most of us are natural nurturers and want to give the world to those that we love. But as amazing as that is, it can often come with a hefty price tag. There's a thin line between compromise and plain ole neglect. When we choose to ignore the things that are true to us just to make people or situations more comfortable, we lose ourselves in the process.
It's easy to become a shell ourselves when we are willing to give our all to others, but its harder to bounce back to who we were once we have lost our sense of self and become consumed with other people's wants, desires, and needs.
In the long run, it'll be more rewarding when you stand your ground and hold true to what makes you, you. Knowing your limitations, triggers, and all-around no-go factors and sticking to them makes room for you to eliminate the people and things who don't deserve to be in your presence.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
How The Rise Of Perfectionism Is Stunting Your Growth
These People & Places Help Me Find Inspiration When I'm Feeling Stuck
How To Own The Power Of Your Single Season
Tamron Hall Says Her 40s Taught Her The Power Of Saying "F*ck It"
Featured image by Shutterstock.
- The DEEPEST Healing | Cleanse Self Doubt, Fear & Self Sabotage ... ›
- 8 Ways Highly Successful People Overcome Self-Doubt ›
- Cleanse Self Doubt, Fear & Self Sabotage | Reset The Mind ... ›
- How to Release Self-Doubt and Build Sustainable Confidence ... ›
- 13 Powerful Ways to Overcome Self-Doubt (So You Can Finally ... ›
- 5 Steps to Deal with Self-Doubt and Trust Your Self Again ›
Corein Carter is a Los Angeles-based blogger, content creator and podcaster. The New Jersey native has had a love affair with words since she began penning poetry in high school and later went on to study journalism at WSSU. The self-proclaimed "Naturalista" embodies all things spiritual, plant-based, and self-care in both her daily life and through writing. You may recognize Corein's captivating voice and well-rounded perspectives from her fast growing podcast "Play on Words". Follow her journey on Twitter and Instagram @inlivingcolored.
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Franco Zulueta
10 Words That Should Never Be Used To Describe Your Friendships
Personally, I’m not big on New Year’s Resolutions. A big part of the reason is because I think that there is a huge mind f-ck that comes from thinking that something miraculous automatically happens on January 1. Y’all, every day is new — so, if you want to change your life (or something about it), right now would be the time to do it…because why wait when you know that tomorrow is promised to no one?
Not to mention the fact that I think a huge factor in why, reportedly, almost 90 percent of people “fail” their resolutions before Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr’s Day rolls around is because people apply way too much pressure and stress onto themselves to come up with some on-10 willpower plans a couple of days before the ball drops and the new year begins.
I mean, just think about it: If you are a resolutions kind of gal, imagine how much easier it would be to make them — and practice keeping them — if you didn’t wait for six weeks (give or take) from now? And when it comes to your friendships, specifically, what if your transitioning consisted of doing some (semi) immediate inventory on those relationships? One way to do it is to check out my article, “10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins” (“Texting Your Friends This One Question Will Reveal A Lot About Your Relationship” might come in handy too). However, before you even take that step, consider reading this piece all the way through…first.
Why? Well, I once read that,reportedly, a whopping 75 percent of men and 84 percent of women have admitted that they’ve had at least one toxic friend over the course of their lifetime (check out “10 Signs You’ve Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend”), it got me to thinking about how so many of us find ourselves in that position — usually more than once too.
And y’all, it is my belief that it’s because we overlook the 10 words that I’m about to break down a bit today — things that, aren’t necessarily “toxic” on their own; oh, but if they are ignored or not addressed long enough, like a snowflake that rolls into other ones and ultimately creates an avalanche, it definitely can turn a friendship into a relationally poisonous situation.
So, let’s address them…then you decide what needs to be done — not after Christmas either. Now.
1. "Complicated"
GiphyIt is my personal opinion that when Facebook made “it’s complicated” an option as far as relationship (or situationship) statuses went, that’s when the phrase started to become more acceptable. And you know what? It’s also my personal opinion that it never should have been. SMDH. When something is complicated, that means it’s complex, difficult to understand, and perplexing — and what all of this boils down to is there is a lack of clarity going on…which means there is probably some poor communication that is transpiring too.
Whether that’s the result of you walking on eggshells, both of you making a lot of assumptions or your relationship being such an emotional roller coaster ride that you’re not exactly sure where the two of you stand, friendships shouldn’t be complicated. And so, if one or more of yours are, it’s time for some serious conversations to be had.
2. "Sometimey"
GiphyWhenever someone tells me that they have a best friend who they don’t talk to very often, my face almost always scrunches up; especially when I hear something like, “We can go six months without talking and pick up right where we left off.” Uh-huh. Back when I used to watch The Young and the Restless with my great-grandma during the summer, once it was time to go back to school, I could pretty much pick back up on the storylines the following summer.
That’s pretty crazy too because all that means is there was familiarity and predictability involved…not necessarily any intimacy. Do you see where I am going with this? And when it comes to your dearest friendship, if you and your BFF are so close, why isn’t your relationship higher on your priority list? Both of y’all’s priority list?
One reason why a lot of people suck at friendship is because they are hella inconsistent when it comes to nurturing it. I mean, even a plant needs to be watered on a weekly basis. If your friendships are sometimey, that could cause some unexpected issues up the road.
3. "One-Sided"
GiphyReciprocity should always reign supreme in friendships. And although you and your friends may not give in the same way, there is no reason for you to feel like you are doing all or most of the work to keep the relationship going. Case in point: There is someone who, to this day, I think is cool as hell, and, back in the day, although I didn’t consider her to be a close friend, she definitely was a friend of mine.
Anyway, I haven’t talked to her in like five or six years now at this point. Why? Because something she is horrible at is following through with what she says that she is going to do — including calling people back. And so, the last time that I saw her and she said, “I’m gonna call you,” I responded with, “And that will be the next time that we speak, chile” — I haven’t heard a word since. Fast forward to earlier this year, someone asked me how she was.
When I said, “I don’t know” and they inquired why and I explained what I just said to y’all, they said, “Girl, just call her. She probably forgot.” So…I need to catch that slack because…? Really, all she did was show me that the reason why we stayed in touch at all is because I used to do most of the work — and she liked it that way.
If I end up running into her, we’ll still hug it out and catch up but y’all, I have too many friends who actively participate in my friendship with them who need to get some of my time to chase folks who don’t. One-sided friendships aren’t friendships. They need to be demoted to good acquaintances or…something like that (check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”).
4. "Draining"
GiphyPeople who always or only talk about themselves. People who are constantly in a crisis. People who always need some form of validation. People who are moody AF. People who can’t seem to talk about anything but other people. People who are the textbook definition of energy vampires. People who are obsessed with being the center of attention (whether it’s online or off). People who like to play the victim (i.e., rarely take accountability for their actions; more on that later). People who lack self-awareness. People who hold you to a standard that they don’t even hold themselves to. Do you know what these kinds of people are? DRAINING.
And the thing about your friendships is, more times than not, you should be able to go to them to get a boost of energy, positivity, and humor — something that refuels you instead of exhausts you. Some of y’all, your friends have been draining you for so long that you’ve been gaslit into believing that is what comes with having friends (check out “This Is How A Friend Can Gaslight You — And Make It Feel Like It's Your Fault.”) Nope. If it seems like whenever you’re around someone, they wear you out on a mental and emotional level, that’s not healthy, sis. Please stop telling yourself otherwise.
5. "Hypercritical"
GiphyNow this one is the kind of “bright orange flag” that you may not see coming on the surface. I say that because, while you might think that hypercritical people are only those who have something you say about damn near everything you do, typically, a hypercritical friend is hard on you because they are even harder on themselves.
The way it tends to manifest is they are perfectionists and/or don’t know how to give or receive compliments and/or are super defensive when receiving feedback and/or they seem to constantly be on edge and/or they are always nitpicking and/or they fear failure (or you failing) — and so they aren’t very merciful.
In short, a hypercritical person lacks self-compassion which is why they aren’t very good at granting you any — and since you’re gonna make mistakes or even consciously poor decisions sometimes, because they are so hard to be around, they rarely are a safe place to land.
6. "Unsupportive"
GiphyIn my latest book, there is a chapter devoted to a guy who I once had feelings for who turned out to be one of the most narcissistic individuals that I have ever known — and no, I do not use that word lightly. As I was penning the chapter, one of the things that I reflected on is how unsupportive he was while I was supporting him all of the way. An example? The amount of media coverage that I got him in just two years of working with him? He hasn’t seen it before or since and yet, even though he had some substantial connections, ask me if he asked if I needed assistance one time in basically two decades.
His family dynamic? It is supremely dysfunctional on so many levels and yet, when I decided to release some of my relatives (check out “Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead”) because they were toxic (check out “Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members”), he said that I was being petty. One time, I even produced a show for him, for free, and he yelled at me when I asked him to stay on the phone with me as we were driving about an hour back (in separate cars) because I was sleepy. Hmph.
This man was more than just merely “unsupportive” — he was emotionally abusive. Noted. However, he still is a good example of what it means to have someone in your life who you support and doesn’t support you because, they are all for being able to lean on you and yet, when it’s time for them to return the favor, you might as well lean up against an imaginary pole.
7. "Unreliable"
GiphyBack when my house burned down a few years ago, one of my closest friends bought me a really nice laptop. I didn’t ask for it; hell, I didn’t even mention that I lost all three of mine. He just assumed that I needed one and so he and his wife took care of it. About a year later, he wanted to see his side of the family for the holidays and money was tight on his end — so, I purchased plane tickets for him and his beloved. Fast forward to a few months ago and finances have been challenging for them again (the job market is crazy out here) and so I gave his wife some money, strictly for pampering purposes.
At first, she was hesitant about taking it and so, I had a family-friend meeting with both of them (separately) that if we’re gonna be friends, we need to be able to rely on each other. Y’all, I’ve got some folks who, I know with everything in me that, pretty much regardless of the need, if I hit them up at any time, they’ve got my back. And the reason why that is the case is because they feel the same way about me. Can you say the same thing about the people you call “friends”? If not, do they even deserve that title (check out “Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone 'Friend'”)?
8. "Parental"
GiphyI’ll raise my hand in this class and say that when one of my closest friends was going through a divorce earlier this year (check out “How To Support Your Friend Who's Going Through A Divorce”), because I am a marriage life coach, a relationship writer and shoot, Shellie Reneé Warren (LOL), I had to remind myself to be her friend — not her therapist, coach or hell, even low-key parent.
And what does a parental friend look like? They act like their advice should be your instructions. They think that their opinions need to be your perspective. They have a tendency to “helicopter friend” you (if you’re familiar with the term “helicopter parent,” then you get where I am coming from) by hovering over you and your decisions.
Sometimes, if you don’t do what they think is right or best, they will be arrogant enough to try and provide consequences for “defying” them like freezing you out or nagging you to death (I know, right?). At the end of the day, parental friends are controlling ones because while they actually may have a lot of wisdom, knowledge, and discernment to share, if there is no balance, they aren’t helping you at all. Honestly, they aren’t loving you well either.
9. "Unaccountable"
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while, I seriously doubt that it will surprise you that one of my biggest relational pet peeves is people who don’t hold themselves accountable. And when it comes to friendships, one of the most popular ways of doing this is them saying that you shouldn’t judge them but support them when they are doing something that is dead-ass wrong or potentially self-destructive. SMDH.
Too many people out here are looking for FANS NOT FRIENDS and you can tell by how bent out of shape they get whenever you don’t cheer on pure nonsense, you call them out on their ish or they get mad because you don’t agree with something that they tell you. A good friend is going to tell you the truth not what you want to hear. If you’ve got people in your life who push back on this — be careful with them. It can be burdensome to be friends with individuals who you can’t be honest with…even when it comes to being honest with them…about them.
10. "Lonely"
GiphyThere is a wife that I know who used to tell her single friends, “The loneliest night single beats a bad marriage any day” — and y’all, I have worked with enough troubled couples to say that someone needs to send her some money to her PayPal account each and every time that she says it. Even though there are reports that somewhere around 50 percent of the American population say that they are currently lonelier than they have ever been, imagine being in an intimate relationship and still feeling that way.
And when it comes to some people and their friendships, that is exactly what is going on. If you’ve got friends who don’t make time for you; have poor listening skills (or are poor communicators, in general); are dismissive of your feelings; don’t speak your love language (and they know what it is); are constantly distracted in your presence, and/or aren’t intentional about you — this easily can make you feel lonely in your friendship with them…and how tragic is that?
One of the main purposes of friendships is to not feel alone in this world. If you somehow do in yours, something is 1000 percent awry.
___
Listen, no one is perfect. Hell, that is a part of the reason why we all need friends, we need folks who accept us as we are. All I’m saying is there are friendships and then there are healthy friendships — and if the latter is your goal, you and your friends should strive to use other words than these 10 to describe it.
If that isn’t the case, it’s time to make some changes — so that you can know what it’s like to not just have people in your life but really wonderful dynamics that add and not subtract from you. Selah and amen.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Prostock Studio/Getty Images