Quantcast
black-couple-in-bed-upset
Shutterstock

Ever Wonder If You're Moving Too Fast In A Relationship?

Haste makes waste.

Dating

If there's one thing that you can trust me to do, several times a week, it's bump some 80s and 90s R&B. A particular song that I was vibin' to recently is "(You're Puttin') a Rush on Me" by Stephanie Mills. After listening to her preach about a guy moving too soon, it reminded me to go to one of my favorite Mya songs which is "Best of Me" (the original or the remix both slap). I always like that Mya referred to someone having sex with her as them getting "her best". Anyway, if you listen to both songs, they both speak of how it's a good thing to not move quickly and while they're mostly speaking to moving on the sexual tip, I think it's important to expand that to our head and hearts as well.

You know how the old saying goes—haste makes waste. Unfortunately, in this microwave and cell phone society that we live in where everything is wanted immediately, a lot of people have absolutely no idea when they are moving faster than they probably should in a relationship. If you're curious about what some of those signs are, I've got a few for you today.

1.You Feel Some Level of Anxiety, Right Out the Gate

Even as I'm typing this all out, I've got a friend who has a woman in his life who he really likes. Problem is, even though they've known each other for several months, they've only been on a couple of dates and all she seems to talk about is, "So, where is this heading?" Meanwhile, he's like, "It's been coffee twice and you've watched one movie at my house once. Can we chill a bit?"

There's another woman I know who, last I checked is still married. You know what, though? Her husband has been absolutely miserable for at least half of their relationship. When they were dating, he dug her but because she was so, "I date to marry. I DATE TO MARRY!" with her energy and he didn't want to lose her, he jumped the broom without them really getting to know one another all that well. And her? She was so consumed with "getting a husband" that she didn't even really think about what she was gonna do after landing one.

One of the most popular Scriptures in the Bible is also one that gets ignored—a lot. It starts off by saying, "Be anxious for nothing." (Philippians 4:6-7) Putting yourself through a lot of mental distress or acting all eager typically does more harm than good; especially in dating dynamics. If you're someone who has no clue how to just be in the moment, even just for a little while when it comes to relationships, to me that is a clear sign that you probably have a tendency to move too fast. Way too fast, actually.

2.You’ve Got SUPER FIRM Time Limits on Your Relationship Goals

Every relationship is different. That's because every person is different. That's why, although I definitely do think there is some validity to data that talks about things like how long two people should (seriously) see each other before getting married, I also think that it's unrealistic and unfair to expect that to apply to every couple in America. What I mean by that is, if you've decided in your mind that someone only has a year to be with you before proposing and if they don't get on one knee, you're out, you could find yourself sabotaging a relationship before it even starts.

What if you're in a long-distance relationship? What if there are certain goals that need to be attained, separately first (my mom used to say, "Do everything you can't compromise before getting married.")? What if one or both of you need to get some debt cleared away? Let's be real—what if one or both of you need to get some past relationships fully resolved (you'd be amazed how many married people haven't done that and it has come back to haunt them in real-time)? People who set firm time limits on relationships without factoring in, shoot, life are also ones who tend to force things to happen before they should. Not wanting to date forever is one thing. Putting your relationship in a pressure cooker is something else. Be realistic about where the both of you are, what the both of you need, and go from there.

3.You Haven’t Healed from Your Past Relationships

I'm sure some of y'all have heard the saying that you should take half of the time a relationship took to heal from it once it is over. Chile, I guess. When it comes to some of my exes, it took years and years. You wanna know a part of the reason why? It was because I would go from guy to guy without spending at least a few months TOTALLY alone. Totally means no dating. Totally means no sex. Totally means not being preoccupied with the idea of either of those things too. I've shared before that a saying that really gets under my skin is, "The best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone else." If you look at that from 30,000 feet in the air, what you're really saying is, "I'm scared to be alone with my thoughts to really process what happened so that I can grow from it, not continue the pattern, and choose better next time. I'll just use sex as a distraction instead."

People who don't heal from their past? Not only do they typically repeat it on some level (check out "Are You Dating The Same Guy Over And Over Again? Maybe."), they usually struggle FOR-E-VER to become whole because they never give themselves enough space to become fully OK on their own. And since the pain is hard to bear, they just keep going from person to person, hoping that it will fix something when really, all it does is make the individuals their fix. As someone who is finally at a point in my life where there is no one to get over and have closure with or pine away about—not only are my standards way higher and healthier but because I feel complete within my own being, there is no need to rush the process. God knows what I desire. I'm fine with following his lead on when and how to make it manifest. Until then, I'm chillin'. And it's all good. It really is.

4.You “Lead” with Sex

I'm a fan of sex. Goodness, I write about it on here all of the time. Still, I know there is a spiritual and emotional component to it that goes overlooked, far too much. It's like (some) people are so caught up in the physical benefits of copulating that they act like sex shouldn't serve a far greater purpose. While I haven't ever had a one-night stand, I have had sex with friends which I made the relationship bigger in my mind than it deserved to be. Wanna know why? Because after we came together in that way, I found myself attached. The Bible says that sex makes people one (Genesis 2:24-25 and I Corinthians 6:16-20—Message). The natural hormone oxytocin comes behind it and says that sex makes us feel closer to people (so, even if you aren't a Bible follower, science basically says the same thing).

That's why I think it is a huge no-no to put yourself in the pattern of leading with sex. For one thing, just because a man sleeps with you, that doesn't mean that he's—pardon the pun—into you; you need some time to get to know him as a person so that you can see if he's digging you beneath the surface. Second, great sex is not synonymous with a great person or partner (check out "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner") but if you are getting sexual involved too soon or you don't choose to see sex as the icing of a relationship and not the cake, you could find yourself mistaking a happy libido for a healthy heart dynamic.

Again, sex is dope. Still, it's not everything. If you're constantly leading with sex or allowing your relationships to be about sex more than just about anything else, it very well could create a mirage in the sense of you thinking that there is more to someone—and your being with them—than there actually is. Get mentally and emotionally intimate first. You can trust what comes from that so much easier.

5.Your Friends Are Saying It (or At Least, Implying It)

There is one particular guy from my past who, to this day, all of my friends are basically like, "Just say the word, girl." They don't like that dude one bit because it was an extremely painful experience for me. You know what, though? A lot of the journey, I sent my own damn self through it, because I didn't listen to my friends when they said things like, "Shellie, that's not normal" or "Shellie, he sounds emotionally immature as hell."

Listen, that whole "you and me against the world" hot take that so many people have? Experience and observation have taught me that it deserves plenty of side-eye when you're not married (and even after saying "I do", you should still take a bit of heed to what your folks bring to your attention). People who love you want what's best for you. Plus, because they aren't emotionally invested in the way that you are, they can see things that you probably don't even want to look at. If you've got one friend who is rolling their eyes at your situation, who TF cares? But if five or more are like, "Naw sis"—take heed to that. Everybody can't be wrong. Something is up and slowing down to process what "that" is could keep you from having a lot of regrets up the road.

6.“Intense” Is a Word That’s Used to Describe You Often

I'm a Gemini. If you know even a little bit about us, then you know that I know that I've got an intense side. That's how I knew to close out with this point. When you're intense in the bedroom, that's dope. When you're intense when it comes to how passionate you are about being down for someone, that can be a blessing too. However, if you're intense in the sense of being overly earnest or pushing everything to the extreme—that automatically makes you a pretty impatient and pushy individual, and who wants to be involved with that?

Just about all of us have words that are used to describe us. If your family members, friends, co-workers, and exes all use the word "intense" to define you, you might want to ask them to expound a little. Anyone who's extreme is oftentimes imbalanced and when you're imbalanced you tend to do things excessively in a way that overwhelms others while causing you to overthink to the point where you're rushing all of the time.

Everything has its pace and seasons. Relationships are no exception to this fact. Moving too fast usually leads to mistakes that could've been avoided if you just slowed down a bit. If you saw yourself anywhere in this piece, try chilling out a bit. After all, if it's right, there's no need for you to rush it. It'll happen at just the right…speed.

Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.

Featured image by Shutterstock

How To Turn A Hobby Into A Lucrative Business

There's always talk about creating a side hustle and having multiple streams of income, but what happens when you're already super-occupied, booked, blessed, and busy with the 9-to-5 you have on top of other responsibilities like managing a household, pursuing higher education, or loving on bae? Well, one of the best ways to leverage a great side hustle opportunity is to look into monetizing things you already do as hobbies.

Keep reading...Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.
Upgrade Your Morning Routine With This Simple Journaling Practice

As a writer, it can be fairly easy to succumb to the dreaded phase of creative block in my process. When the ideas flow, they feel light and airy, and the words leave my mind with little to no effort. And when they don't, I can easily find myself staring at my laptop, both overwhelmed and underwhelmed by the blank page in front of me. Filling the blank space with words no longer feels like second nature, and where there once was ease, there is suddenly resistance. Whether it’s due to burnout or the ideas are just not as free-flowing as I'm accustomed to, brain fog is real. However, through trial and error, I have learned that it is very possible to access creativity by exercising those areas of the mind.

Keep reading...Show less
The Power Couples In The Zodiac & Your Money Match Based On Astrology

When it comes to power couples in the zodiac, there are instant matches that make for love and financial compatibility. Some zodiac signs work better together than others, and considering financial challenges tends to make or break relationships--finding your money match is important. Not only that but there are certain signs in the zodiac that can enhance your financial world, just by being in it. Planetary energy in certain areas of your birth chart can provide higher success rates and opportunities, and compatibility energy varies by degree.

Keep reading...Show less
Halle Bailey Talks 'The Little Mermaid' Backlash & Having A Forever Best Friend In Sister Chloe

Halle Bailey won our hearts alongside her sister Chloe when their cover of Beyoncé’s “Pretty Hurts” went viral when they were just teenagers, and from there they have become Grammy-nominated artists as the group Chloe x Halle thanks to albums like Ungodly Hour and The Kids Are Alright. Now, their fans have more to look forward to as Halle will be starring as the Disney princess Ariel in the live-action remake of The Little Mermaid.

Keep reading...Show less
The Do's & Don'ts Of Having Sex On The Beach

I’ve never actually tasted a 'Sex on the Beach,' but I certainly have imagined doing it. In fact, I’ve had a lot of sex fantasies, but this remains to be one at the top of my list. However, I continue to harbor some fear because it seems that beach sex is no easy feat.

Keep reading...Show less
Exclusive Interviews
Former Beyoncé Dancer Deja Riley On Changing Her Career For Her Mental Health

Former Beyoncé Dancer Deja Riley On Changing Her Career For Her Mental Health

"I felt like I was not enough. And my mental health is important. So when I started feeling that way, I knew that it was time to shift."

Latest Posts