I Was Disconnected From My Body. These Sensual Habits Helped Me Reconnect.
I know firsthand what it is like to feel disconnected from my body, and trust me, it's a painful place to be. Pre-pandemic, I always felt connected to my body. I consciously decided to live a reasonably healthy lifestyle and rarely had any health issues outside of a common cold. I worked out regularly, went for morning runs, and was a regular at my local yoga studio. The work I put into my body contributed to my confidence, and it showed in other areas of my life. At the time, my dating and sex life were as fluid as any other single girl in New York City. When it came to my body, I felt like I had it all. I had good health, a healthy sex life, and a sweet peach to go with it (thanks, squats!).
The early days of the pandemic is when the relationship between my body and I began to shift. I could no longer attend the gym due to COVID. Yes, I could have done an at-home workout, but staying in bed and watching movies became more appealing. My dating life, sex life, and social life came to an immediate halt. Like many of us, I had to sit with myself for the first time in a long time. The only company I had were thoughts I had suppressed.
My mental health eventually took over my physical health.
So there I was, depressed, lonely, and horny as hell. I've never felt further from myself. I tried following the suggestions of every wellness page on Instagram, but nothing worked. Until one day, I came across an article on Goop titled "Finding the Pleasure in Your Body". The article discussed how using our sexual energy can help us connect to ourselves. Now I have to be honest, I didn't agree with everything in this article, but it did inspire me. I then found my erotic ways to tap back into myself. Here are sensual habits that helped me reconnect with my body.
Indulge In Self-Pleasure
ShutterstockWe are all adults here, so let's keep it real. Have you ever felt triggered, stressed, or depressed, but then you have an orgasm and you feel fine? Don't lie; God is watching. I'm not saying self-pleasure will help solve all of your problems, but it sure as hell will alleviate some stress. It definitely cleared my mind.
After indulging in self-pleasure and having an orgasm, I felt lighter for the first time in months. There is something special about being entirely comfortable with myself that felt so empowering. Knowing that I can give myself an orgasm better than any sweaty man and not have to do the walk of shame was liberating.
Engage In Sensual Body Movement
Sensually moving your body creates a pathway to accepting your feminine energy. You can sensually move your body at any age or body type. Most people assume you have to know how to dance or be a good dancer, but this is not the case. Sensual body movement is moving in a way that allows you to listen to your body and feel good. A few sensual body movements can include: moving your hips, pole dancing, twerking, or moving in a way that freely expresses yourself. I wouldn't consider myself a professional dancer, but I can move like Beyonce when alone. However, the sensual movement was a different experience.
Tapping into myself through sensual activity felt uncomfortable at first. I found myself in my head, wondering if my movements were awkward. These thoughts only proved how disconnected I was from my body. To get past the voice in my head, I decided to create a character, just like Beyonce. Her name is Alexandra, and she moves sexier than Sasha Fierce herself.
Once I got out of my head and into character, there was no stopping me. I was no longer Celeste, who was subconscious about sensually moving her body. I was now Alexandra, who had no problem dropping it like it was hot. Alexandra felt sexy, free, and fully aligned with herself. In her head, she was the baddest thing out there, and her body was out of this world.
Take A Spiritual Bath
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Spiritual baths are every girl's Instagram dream aesthetic. You can fill them with all kinds of elements that can make any woman feel like a goddess. You can customize your spiritual bath with roses, oranges, strawberries, crystals, herbs, and so much more. Spiritual baths are recommended to correct any spiritual or physical blockages you might be feeling. Although spiritual baths are not scientifically proven, they have been a part of many cultures and religions.
Spoiler alert: I'm not much of a bath girl. I'm a shower girl all the way. Now I know what you're thinking, "So, how did you take a spiritual bath then?" I simply incorporated it into my shower routine. Before my shower, I took a gallon of water and put strawberries, blueberries, freshly squeezed lemon, oranges, and let them soak overnight. When it came time for me to shower, I rinsed myself with the infused water. I also surrounded my bathroom with candles and played lofi music to set the mood.
My spiritual shower experience was...well...relaxing. As I poured the infused water over my body, I truly felt like I was washing away every blockage that took me further away from myself. I rinsed away thoughts of disapproval, judgment, and hurtful narratives I had told myself about my body. As silly as it may sound, I felt like I had initiated a rebirth between my body and me. I was making a new path of love, acceptance, and awareness for myself. I vowed then; I would no longer allow myself to become disconnected from myself.
Recite Body Affirmations
Body affirmations are a way of retraining your mind into body acceptance. Several studies show that if we continue to repeat affirmative dialogue to ourselves, we will likely believe it. This study also goes for the negative narratives we tell ourselves. The goal behind affirmations is to retrain our brains and retrain the way we see ourselves. This is all hard and embarrassing to admit, but it's my truth, and I want to share it with all of you.
Through my months of feeling disconnected from my body, I consciously and unconsciously told my body hurtful things. Meaning my body wasn't good enough or pretty enough. Comparing myself to other women I saw on Instagram and in magazines, and lastly, questioning my self-worth because I didn't have the fattest ass or the curviest body.
I've chosen three affirmations that have helped me embrace my body. Here they are: "My body radiates beautiful kindness"; "I accept my stretch marks as beauty marks"; "The acceptance of the color of my skin starts with me". These three affirmations have brought me closer to my body than ever before. I repeat these three affirmations when I'm feeling insecure, in the shower, or when I have a negative thought. I learned through these affirmations that acceptance doesn't start with society; it begins with me.
Wear Some Lingerie For You
ShutterstockI don't believe there is any scientific data behind wearing lingerie, but it sure as hell makes you feel good. Through my personal experiences and conversations with girlfriends, I've learned most women wear lingerie for someone else. I loved spicing it up in relationships and frequently wore different kinds of lingerie to make that special someone feel good. I picked out lingerie in hopes that Mr. Man would see my body in a sexy way, but what about how I saw my body? Did I see myself as a sexual being? The short answer is no. I was wearing lingerie for external validation, but I didn't see myself as sexy without that validation.
I began wearing lingerie before bed every night. I have all types of lingerie in my closet, but my preference was a nice silk slip (if you know, you know). Just like the sensual body movement, I felt silly wearing lingerie for myself at first. I knew it was time to tap into my alter ego again, Alexandra. I may have felt awkward wearing lingerie, but Alexandra? You couldn't tell her anything. Alexandra felt like a bad bitch. She wasn't a snack; she was the whole damn meal, period! It took no time for Alexandra and me to see ourselves as a sexy Mamacita.
I know in this article, I made my journey back to my body sound easy but I want to clarify that it took some time and practice to get to the right place with myself. I had to consciously put in the work every single day to fight past the criticisms of myself. Although it took some time, it is possible. If you're in a dark place now, just know that I am here with you. Your body may not be perfect, but you can get to a place of love and acceptance. Your body is the temple that protects your soul.
Nourish it, respect it, listen to it.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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A Therapist Breaks Down The Internet's Fixation On The Black Cat-Golden Retriever Dynamic
In the realm of love and relationships, there's a growing interest in the idea of opposites attracting. This concept is gaining traction on platforms like TikTok, where users explore how different personality types interact in romantic partnerships. One popular comparison is between the "golden retriever" and "black cat" archetypes.
According to Urban Dictionary, the golden retriever, typically portrayed by men, embodies a relaxed and friendly demeanor, making relationship maintenance seem effortless. These individuals are described as easygoing, patient, loyal, socially adept, and optimistic. On TikTok, many women are intrigued by the prospect of finding partners with these qualities.
In contrast, the black cat, often represented by women, leans towards introversion and independence. They're mysterious, quiet, and introspective, preferring to be pursued rather than doing "the chasing" in relationships.
@annakrstna Replying to @BeckyAmi part II coming soon❤️ #femmefatale #blackcat #blackcatenergy #dating #marriage #datingadvice #princesstreatment #feminine #feminineenergy #relationship #sprinklesprinkle #celebrity #femininenergy #love
This dichotomy reflects the anxious-avoidant attachment dynamics in psychology (pursuer-distancer cycle), where one partner seeks closeness (golden retriever) while the other values autonomy (black cat).
The Black Cat Golden Retriever Archetypes & Attachment Styles
Attachment theory suggests that early caregiving experiences shape our attachment styles, influencing how we relate to others. Anxious individuals seek reassurance, while avoidant individuals prioritize independence. However, not every instance of the black cat/golden retriever dynamic indicates underlying insecurities. Individuals can embody these personas without necessarily being insecure or exhibiting unhealthy attachment patterns.
For instance, a golden retriever's desire for closeness may come from a secure attachment style, rooted in self-worth and trust in others. Conversely, a black cat's preference for autonomy doesn't always indicate avoidance; they may simply value their independence, and it's relatively easy for them to connect and disconnect when needed. Understanding these dynamics requires personalized individual/couples assessment, ideally with a licensed therapist.
The Black Cat Golden Retriever Roles in Relationship Success
A prevailing notion in this discussion that's sparked a lot of conversation is the idea that when a woman takes on the role of the golden retriever in a relationship with a black cat partner, the dynamic is more likely to fail. (I've experienced this firsthand, even in my own past relationships, and I've seen it play out in my own life.) Conversely, when the roles are reversed, the relationship tends to thrive. But why does this happen?
Historically, men have been socialized to take on the role of the pursuer, while women are expected to be more passive recipients of romantic advances. From a biological standpoint, some researchers argue that evolutionary instincts may play a role in shaping mating behaviors. Evolutionary psychology suggests that men may be inclined to pursue potential mates to maximize their reproductive success. This perspective suggests that men may have evolved to seek out partners and compete for their attention and affection.
@annakrstna Replying to @Tina Kaur #love #dreamgirl #beauty #relationship #dating #datingadvice #femmefatale #feminineenergy #desire #obsession #darkpsychology #sprinklesprinkle #femininity #psychology #selflove
Additionally, societal expectations and cultural norms can heavily influence gender roles and relationship dynamics. From a young age, boys may be socialized to take initiative, assert themselves, and pursue their romantic interests actively. On the other hand, girls may be encouraged to adopt more passive roles, waiting for suitors to express interest or make romantic gestures.
As much as there's a lot of conversation about gendered expectations and societal norms, it's crucial to recognize that these expectations aren't universally applicable. Not all individuals adhere to traditional gender norms, and people express a wide array of behaviors and preferences in romantic relationships. Research indicates that attitudes towards pursuit and courtship have evolved over time and differ across cultures.
In today's society, there's a growing recognition of the significance of mutual consent, communication, and reciprocity in romantic relationships. Many individuals, irrespective of gender, prioritize egalitarian principles and seek partnerships founded on mutual respect, understanding, and collaborative decision-making.
The Black Cat & The Problem With 'Acting' Secure in Dating
Delving deeper, there's a growing conversation surrounding the distinction between acting secure and authentically embodying security in relationships. True security stems from a deep-rooted sense of self-assurance and a healthy understanding of one's needs and boundaries. Secure individuals don't feel compelled to mask their vulnerabilities or play games to attract a partner; they attract healthy relationships by being genuine and self-assured.
Contrastingly, attempting to mimic secure behavior without addressing underlying insecurities can lead to relational pitfalls. Pretending to be nonchalant or aloof may initially attract a partner, but it ultimately creates a façade that crumbles under the weight of emotional triggers and unresolved attachment wounds.
Authenticity and vulnerability form the bedrock of secure relationships, fostering trust and mutual understanding.
Most importantly, whether you identify as a black cat or a golden retriever in relationships, it's best to find someone who genuinely loves you for who you are. Connect with people who appreciate you instead of engaging in games or "acting secure," because even secure individuals have vulnerabilities and weaknesses. People need to see the real you to truly connect with you.
Transitioning from acting secure to being secure requires introspection and self-awareness. Here are some tangible tips to cultivate genuine security in relationships:
1. Reframe Your Beliefs About Love and Relationships:
Challenge any negative beliefs or misconceptions you may hold about love and relationships. Recognize that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and compatibility, rather than scarcity or desperation.
Cultivate a mindset of abundance, believing that there are plenty of opportunities for meaningful connections and fulfilling partnerships; you just have to be the person you want to attract and refrain from entertaining anything less.
2. Develop Self-Confidence:
Invest in building your self-confidence and self-worth independent of external validation or romantic relationships. Foster a sense of independence and autonomy in your life. Develop interests, goals, and aspirations that are separate from your romantic relationships, and invest in your personal growth and development. Engage in activities and hobbies that bring you joy and fulfillment, and don’t abandon those hobbies just because you met someone new or you’re in a new relationship.
3. Set Realistic Expectations:
Avoid placing unrealistic expectations on yourself or your partner in relationships. Recognize that no relationship is perfect, and both partners will inevitably experience challenges and setbacks. Instead of striving for perfection, focus on building a strong foundation of mutual respect, understanding, and communication. Embrace the ups and downs of relationships as opportunities for growth and learning.
4. Emotional Regulation:
Develop healthy coping mechanisms for managing emotions and navigating conflict constructively. Prioritize self-care and cultivate resilience in the face of challenges.
5. Practice Patience and Acceptance:
Understand that finding a compatible partner and building a fulfilling relationship takes time and patience. Avoid rushing into relationships out of desperation or fear of being alone. Trust in the process and have faith that the right person will come into your life at the right time. Practice acceptance of yourself and others, recognizing that everyone has their own journey and timeline when it comes to love and relationships.
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