R. Kelly Has Been Sentenced. Here's What Black Women Activists Have to Say

*Editors note: this article contains information about sexual assault, child pornography and rape. Please read with care. If you have experienced sexual violence and are in need of crisis support, please call the RAINN Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). If you are thinking about suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the Suicide Crisis Line at 1-800-784-2433.
On June 29th, R&B singer and producer Robert Kelly, best known by his stage name R. Kelly was sentenced to 30 years in prison by New York Federal Court after being convicted in September of 2021 on charges of racketeering and sex trafficking. The sentencing was announced after many of his victims tearfully shared the impact his graphic abuse of them has had on their lives. This conviction and sentencing come nearly thirty years after the singer began facing allegations ranging from rape, possessing child pornography, marrying a then-15-year-old Aaliyah, having his own sex cult, and more.
In the weeks leading up to the sentencing, xoNecole spoke with four Black women activists who work diligently to address sexual violence within the music industry and writ large on R. Kelly’s conviction. Now that Kelly has been sentenced, we’re sharing our conversations with each one, condensed below: author and founder of the Me Too movement Tarana Burke (featured in the docuseries Surviving R. Kelly and the Russell Simmons documentary On The Record) and the founders of the #MuteRKelly movement Kenyette Barnes and Oronike Odeleye (who also appeared in Surviving R. Kelly ) and author and activist Sil Lai Abrams, who shared allegations against Russell Simmons in The Hollywood Reporter and the HBOMax documentary On The Record.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK - JUNE 07: Tarana Burke speaks onstage at the TIME100 Summit 2022 at Jazz at Lincoln Center on June 7, 2022 in New York City.
Photo by Jemal Countess/Getty Images for TIME
xoNecole: I also invited journalist and Surviving R Kelly documentarian dream hampton who declined an interview but did provide a statement:
“As someone who wants to believe in restorative justice, I think this could have been the beginning of actual healing and justice had R Kelly, at any point, admitted to the harm he's caused for decades. His victim should have a financial fund from which they can draw to rebuild their lives. He could have changed the culture by being accountable in this way. He could have opened up a conversation where predators and abusers could enter too. Which is radical. But no, he'll have his sentence meted out to him by a broken system. He will continue to have the currency of love and devotion by countless Black people, even as he spends these years in prison. It is all a shame.”
xoNecole: What was your initial reaction to the news of R. Kelly’s conviction?
Tarana Burke: I was asked this question when [Harvey] Weinstein was convicted when [Bill] Cosby was convicted and it stays the same: these convictions are not a victory. I understand the catharsis for the survivors. There is a duality, that you have an immediate sort of excitement that feels like we have *something.* Right? You can’t help it. I think that’s human nature. That feeling of we have something, especially as Black women. Because we never get anything. So, I think there’s that first wave of that.
And then there’s the immediate slap in the face – especially if you engage in anything public, like social media or walking down the street – of the rejection of that. So my reaction came in stages, is what I’m explaining. That first stage of sort of surprise and relief that we got something. And that something is acknowledgment of that – even from a f-cked up system – an acknowledgment that our trauma and our pain deserve acknowledgment. It deserves accountability. You have that first wave and then you get slapped in the face with “no, it doesn’t.” I don’t know if we even had sixty seconds of whatever that first wave was. I get settled in just the catharsis of the survivors. It’s like they get a chance to breathe after holding this sh-t for so long. They get a chance to be like, “I get to hold something.”
Sil Lai Abrams: I was not surprised because the conviction was the result of decades of lobbying by activists and advocates. In many ways, his social currency in the Black community was diminished in a way that would enable a conviction to occur in the criminal legal system. To dream’s point, the system as it exists is not one that takes into consideration the needs of survivors or even those that have caused harm. He’s being used as a totem in many respects and I believe that his conviction in some way shields other people who cause sexual harm because I think that society can look at him, point to what will occur with him, and say, “You see? The system works because R. Kelly went to prison.” When in fact, his incarceration does nothing to address the systemic nature of sexual violence and the very broad ways in which harm affects our entire society.
Oronike Odeleye: Honestly, my first reaction was relief. I was relieved for his victims because they have been gaslit for years about the abuse that they’ve suffered. I was also relieved for myself. This has been a long journey that I did not mean to embark on [as a founder of the #MuteRKelly movement]. It’s been emotional and hard, so I’m glad that my part was over and now someone else can take over. And I was relieved for our community because for so many people, a lot of the visceral and emotional reaction they had to this was not necessarily about R. Kelly but about their own interactions. Their own experiences of abuse and trauma that they had carried, a lot of the secrets they had carried and they wanted to see justice play out. I was relieved for everyone involved.
Kenyette Barnes: It was very complex emotions. There was sadness of course because no one wants to be a part of perpetuating a broken system that over incarcerates Black bodies. However, thirty years has gone by and nothing has been done. And on several occasions, I believe that Robert Kelly had the opportunity to fix this in some way and didn’t. So my feelings were sadness because I feel like why did it get this far? My next emotion was a sense of relief for the survivors. They had been fighting for years. The #MuteRKelly movement had put that advocacy on a global stage. And through strategic organizing had resulted in a financial boycott of his music. We received some backlash and unfortunately, this accountability included the criminal justice system.

PARK CITY, UTAH - JANUARY 25: Sil Lai Abrams attends the 2020 Sundance Film Festival - "On The Record" Premiere at The Marc Theatre on January 25, 2020 in Park City, Utah.
(Photo by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images)
xoNecole: It’s been nearly thirty years since allegations against R. Kelly first started. Why do you think it’s only now that we’re seeing a conviction?
TB: There had to be like six exposés. I feel like The Miami Herald did one. The Chicago Tribune did one. The Village Voice did one. And so, it’s not from lack of media coverage. It’s not from a lack of raising voices. Every Black woman journalist that I know has been raising their voice across social media. More than one social media campaign. Because #MuteRKelly preceded #MeToo going viral. People conflate those two. The #MuteRKelly hashtag started in August of 2017 after the article came out in Buzzfeed. It got amplified after the #MeToo movement went viral [in October 2017]. So, it took all of that and then the documentary to get people to pay attention. But it was like we had to stand on our heads and light ourselves on f-cking fire in order to get one singular Black man. There’s this narrative about the Black man being targeted. It’s so crazy because that was the singular person. And to your point, we’ve been talking about him for nearly twenty-five, thirty years. And it took that because of that famous Jim DeRogatis quote from The Village Voice where he says the one thing that he’s discovered in all these years that he’s been chasing R. Kelly is that nobody in America matters less than Black girls. I’m paraphrasing the quote, but I’ll never forget reading that quote. This is a sixty-something-year-old white man from Chicago who writes about rock n’ roll, who just on his own was so bugged out about how no one was paying attention to R. Kelly.
SLA: The #MuteRKelly campaign is really the driver behind this push for accountability, this incarceration, without which I don’t believe this would’ve occurred. It took a certain amount of critical mass to come together. They had built a groundwork and a framework for the campaign in the years preceding the #MeToo era. So when #MeToo exploded in 2017, it just facilitated his downfall, so to speak, because there was such a tremendous body of work, of evidence that had been collected and been disseminated for at least three years, I think. So, I believe that is a large part of why this has happened.
In addition, our views around sexual harm have evolved. And even now when someone is now “legal,” [i.e. age 18+] that is no longer seen as a shield against allegations or recognition of predatory behavior. So, for example, you could see an 18-year-old in a consensual – “consensual” – relationship with a 45-year-old and people don’t respond the same. People will call that out and note the disparities in power between the two parties. And I think that’s a big part of it. There is a very slow shift that’s going on in online discourse and I think that’s very healthy. I think another reason why change is happening is because many of the barriers that existed before such as all-powerful public relations agencies and representatives for some celebrities are no longer as effective because social media has had a democratizing effect upon those who recognize harm is occurring.
OO: I think so much has changed within our society. The way we talk about sexual abuse, the way we think about rape. The way we now have vocabulary around grooming. The way that we understand consent. The way that we talk about adulthood and childhood are different than when these allegations first came out thirty years ago. So, I think we are in a place now, to really reckon with all the things that he’s been doing. I think the time that it came out, the idea of these rampant groupies I guess a very dominant idea. We did not think about women’s bodies in the same way. We really thought about women’s bodies as the spoils of war for rich and famous men.
KB: Because they were Black girls and we didn’t give a damn. Even in the space of defending Blackness against white supremacy, that Blackness is Black masculinity. It is not Black femininity. We look at rates that over 60% of Black girls are going to be a survivor of sexual assault before her 18th birthday. Sexual violence as a practice tends to be intraracial.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK - NOVEMBER 21: Oronike Odeleye attends 2019 ROOT 100 Gala at The Angel Orensanz Foundation on November 21, 2019 in New York City.
(Photo by Arturo Holmes/Getty Images)
xoNecole: Why do you think the #MeToo movement hasn’t taken off in the music industry the same way it's taken off in Hollywood?
TB: This idea though that Hollywood was broken wide open is not true. I think the cases that we saw were really huge. Weinstein was obviously the big one and there’s several more behind that. And for one Weinstein, there’s 25 that we don’t know about. And that’s why they keep trickling out little by little and they just get less and less attention every year. Because people care less and less every year. So the question of why hasn’t there been a case as big as Harvey Weinstein in the music industry? I don’t know. Most people when they ask this question they’re asking about hip hop and R&B. I have heard horrific stories off the record that artists have shared with me or industry folks have shared with me and I’ve said why won’t you come forward? And they’re like, "There’s no way that my career would recover if we did." In fact, there were people who would not come forward about R. Kelly even though R. Kelly doesn’t even have a career, because they were scared of the retribution inside of the industry. So, I don’t know what the music industry is set up in vs. Hollywood in terms of the way people’s careers are controlled. But if we’re talking about white women vs. Black women, Black women just have way less protection. And I think Black women have way more to lose. Even if you look inside Hollywood, how many Black women in Hollywood have come forward? And the ones that did come forward, look what happened to them.
SLA: The music industry has always been one in which personal relationships can facilitate success even with individuals with no talent. There isn’t a requirement of any type of education. The barrier to entry is very, very low in many respects. Which is a good thing. At the same time, in the way in which people are connected to each other and the amount of money that’s at stake, people are unwilling to go against the status quo. They’re not willing to speak up because they don’t want to have their money messed with. I believe that society is a cesspool of relationships that are highly interwoven and interconnected, the music industry in particular is just particularly patriarchal. It’s particularly rife with nepotism in a way that really encourages groupthink and group movement.
OO: Well, I don’t know if I would agree with [the framing of that question]. I think that it has in fact put artists and record labels on notice that the community is paying attention. Right now, I’m seeing so much conversation around Trey Songz. We’re seeing so much conversation around Chris Brown. We’re seeing so much conversation about Tory Lanez and violence against women. So I think everyone is hyper-tuned in and paying attention now. And so I think people now are way quicker to call these things out when they’re seeing it and to come forward.

Kenyette Barnes
Photo courtesy of Kenyette Barnes
xoNecole: Even with the conviction of R. Kelly which has been a long, long time coming, the culture that created him and allowed him to thrive still exists. What do you think it’ll take to finally dismantle rape culture within the music industry and writ large?
TB: This is the magic question. I think we have to have a huge culture shift and I think it has to happen from multiple directions. The example I use all the time is cigarettes. A little over thirty years ago, we could smoke on airplanes. Most people under a particular age don’t remember that. I remember when you could smoke on airplanes, in clubs – everywhere. And that’s how I grew up. Sitting in the back of my father’s car with the windows closed and he was smoking a cigarette. Then there was a huge concerted effort to shift how we thought about smoking cigarettes. And it’s obviously a very different paradigm, but the reason that I use it is because when I think about how they came at that, it was political, because laws had to change that said you can’t smoke in public places. It was a public narrative. We had major campaigns but also you don’t see the Marlboro Man anymore. Cigarette smoking was cool because everybody did it everywhere. It was a part of the culture that was just sort of ingrained. The way that rape culture is so ingrained that it's natural to us. So there was a political intervention, there was a cultural narrative intervention. There was a research intervention. All of a sudden there was all this research on how second-hand kills. Obviously, people still smoke now. But the culture around smoking today and the culture around smoking thirty years ago are completely different. I think about shifting rape culture the same way. We need multiple interventions.
SLA: Going back to what dream said, I think that there needs to be a space in our society where people can actually acknowledge the harm that they’ve caused in a way that’s not going to be met with highly punitive measures. We have to look at the ways in which sexual harm is fostered. It happens everywhere, the music industry is an easy scapegoat. I honestly don’t have an answer if I knew what it would take I would be extremely wealthy. I don’t have the answers, I have some ideas but everything is connected to something else. I’m a huge advocate for restorative justice and our existing system just doesn’t work when it comes to facilitating some kind of redress, for harm period, but particularly for sexual harm. As dream had said, because Robert refuses to take responsibility, it doesn’t even open the door to any type of restorative action. But also, I don’t want to forget that we can posit about restorative justice and restorative practices and how I think that would be an appropriate way to proceed, but the people whose voices matter and who's going to drive restorative justice are his survivors. So if his survivors don’t want that to occur, I can’t offer that as a unilateral response that’s going to address things. Some might want to see him incarcerated. That’s their choice. I’m not going to shame them for it.
KB: I think what #MuteRKelly did was a direct attack at the music industry. And it was one of the first campaigns that really directly targeted the sexual oppression of Black women and girls. I think we’re going to have to continue those conversations. I think we’re going to have a call-in of the entertainment industry. We saw people like John Legend and Chance the Rapper really speak against this, but we need more.
If you have experienced sexual violence and are in need of crisis support, please call the RAINN Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).
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This Virgo Solar Eclipse Horoscope Reveals The Shift You’ve Been Waiting For
The final eclipse of 2025 is here, and it’s time to claim your harvest and own your healing. On September 21, we have a New Moon Solar Eclipse in Virgo, and we are being called towards change. This eclipse is the beginning of a new chapter, facilitating a coming together of love, stability, and intention. Solar Eclipses are different from your typical New Moon, as it’s not necessarily about manifesting right now, as it is about preparing, honoring gratitude, and recognizing what is already here for you today.
When the Moon is in Virgo, we heal, we empower ourselves, and we allow a new beginning to change our lives for the better.
What Makes the September 2025 Virgo Solar Eclipse Special
This Solar Eclipse is interesting because it forms an opposition to Saturn and Neptune, but it also forms harmonious aspects to both Uranus and Pluto. Foundations are shifting, facades fall, and clarity beams, yet there is also a more pressing need to rebuild with the tools, inspirations, and resources you have now. This is the only Solar Eclipse from the Virgo/Pisces axis that began in September 2024 and ends in February 2027, so this is the most potent time for claiming a new chapter in your life.
The more you can focus on moving forward right now, the less you will feel restricted from the past or the what-ifs.
It’s also important to note that this eclipse will be happening at 29 degrees Virgo, and the last time we had a Virgo Eclipse at this degree was September of 2006. Think back to what you were creating in your world around this time, or what changes were happening for you. Now is the time to redirect your focus, get clearer on the details, and find new ways to manage your health and day-to-day life. This eclipse is going to be especially prominent for mutable signs: Virgo, Pisces, Gemini, and Sagittarius, and overall is a breakthrough in a new, more positive direction.
The Solar Eclipse in Virgo is here to help the world evolve, grow, and love more intentionally.
Your Solar Eclipse in Virgo Horoscopes for Every Zodiac Sign
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what is in store for you for the New Moon Solar Eclipse in Virgo.
ARIES
The New Moon Solar Eclipse in Virgo is a time of trusting your instincts, Aries. You know what is best for you, your health, and your daily life, and this eclipse will be helping you acknowledge that and find new solutions as well. Some changes have been made in your world recently, and this eclipse is showing you what gifts have come from these changes and where to go from here.
It’s about protecting your energy and your time, and knowing that what is ahead of you is far better than what has been. You are almost there, Aries. This is not the time to give up, but to prepare for your manifestations to appear.
TAURUS
The New Moon Solar Eclipse is happening in a fellow earth sign, and you are feeling inspired by the changes taking place in your life right now, Taurus. This eclipse is opening the door to romance, passion, self-expression, and creativity, and it’s time to shine, beautiful. It’s about having fun right now, not taking things too seriously, and trusting that the progress you have made is worthy of your acknowledgement and gratitude.
This Solar Eclipse is all about doing the things that make you happy and bring you joy, and being around the people that bring out this energy within you as well. You deserve to feel good about your life, and this New Moon is creating breakthroughs for you to do so.
GEMINI
This Solar Eclipse brings your interests and intentions regarding your home life and foundations to the forefront, Gemini. This eclipse facilitates changes within the home or with family, and you are experiencing a greater balance and harmony within these new beginnings. You have been looking for the middle ground between your work-life successes and your needs and intentions for your personal life and the home, and it’s coming to fruition for you now.
This eclipse overall is here to help you gain some new ground and claim the peace that you deserve in your life for all your hard work and efforts.
CANCER
The New Moon Solar Eclipse is a new beginning for you and your relationships, Cancer. Love comes together for you, and you are in a place of feeling understood and seen. You have been setting your intentions for communication matters and for more community and support in your world, and that is what is developing for you now. You are ready for an energy shift, and your heart is pleased with what is presenting itself to you.
This eclipse is a step in a new direction for your emotional world, and you are mentally feeling a lot clearer-headed in the process. It’s time to show up, take up space, and make your voice heard, Cancer.
LEO
This Solar Eclipse is a closure and a new beginning in one, Leo. You are shifting your focus and paying more attention to the investments and actions that serve your long-term goals and purpose, and where you may need to redirect your energy. It’s time to create space for new abundance to grow and to let go of settling for anything less than what you deserve. You are overall planning for the future right now, and it’s about remaining open to what is possible for you.
Financial progress is being made, and it’s coming from the new perspective you have gained in these matters this year.
VIRGO
The New Moon Solar Eclipse is here and in your sign, Virgo. Manifestations are appearing, and you are recognizing just how powerful you are. This eclipse highlights what your heart needs to feel fulfilled and aligned with your purpose, and it’s about following through on your plans and intentions right now. With this eclipse moving through your 1st house of Self, you are rewriting your story and turning a new page.
You are the creator of your destiny, of the path you lead, and the legacy you leave behind, and this Solar Eclipse is all about honoring the personal plans and goals for yourself that you feel inspired to get behind right now.
LIBRA
This Solar Eclipse brings clarity into your world and helps you see your life, both past and present, more clearly, Libra. You are in a space of healing, reflection, and letting go, and a lot is shifting for you now. This is the time to pay attention to your dreams and to honor the guidance you are receiving, knowing that you are divinely connected. When you put your healing and your peace first, you allow yourself to fully show up for others and for life itself wholeheartedly and unconditionally. This eclipse is all about knowing yourself, loving yourself, and trusting your instincts more.
SCORPIO
A New Moon Solar Eclipse occurs in your 11th house, and a new beginning is here for you, Scorpio. This eclipse brings an inner awakening into your world, and helps you see who is there for you and the love that heals. You are awakening to the dreams and intentions you want to see come to fruition, and everything feels a little more magical for you right now. This is a time for opening up to support, connection, and friendship, and meeting the right people at the right time.
You are seeing more of the gifts of connection and the need for relationship development in your world, and you are making progress here overall.
SAGITTARIUS
This New Moon Solar Eclipse highlights your career, reputation, and professional world, Sagittarius. A New Moon here signifies new beginnings, breakthroughs, and opportunities within your career, but also a need to really focus on how you want things to play out for you here. A few different options and opportunities are presenting themselves to you now, and it’s about choosing what is going to be the best for you in the long run.
Think big-picture and know that it’s about progress right now, not perfection. You have the tools you need to succeed if you can recognize what gifts are already in your world.
CAPRICORN
This Solar Eclipse is happening in a fellow earth sign, and is inspiring you to new heights, Capricorn. This New Moon will be flowing through your 9th house, and the 9th house rules your sense of adventure, spirituality, divine guidance, travel, and freedom. You are aligning with your higher self, taking note of the signs and guidance you are receiving right now, and experiencing a personal breakthrough in your life.
This is the time in your life to think big picture and to look ahead with complete self-belief. It’s about expecting the best for yourself and creating space for new opportunities to enter. You are stepping out into the unknown, and your faith in it all is what is going to get you through this time.
AQUARIUS
Transformations are inevitable, and this eclipse changes everything for you, Aquarius. During this eclipse, you are ready to move forward and honor the new perspectives you have gained in life and in love, and the Universe is helping you do so. There is an awakening happening in your world now, and you are finding new ways to build stronger foundations and set new intentions for yourself.
You have been working on saving, gathering your resources, and thinking more logically about what you dedicate yourself to physically and emotionally, and right now, it’s time to see the manifestations of your efforts.
PISCES
The New Moon Solar Eclipse is an opportunity to gain your balance, Pisces. This eclipse happens in your opposite sign, Virgo, creating a need to find your harmony within the changes you are moving through. There is a lot on your plate and a lot on your mind, but it’s important not to let this energy overwhelm you. Your relationships need more of your time and energy right now, and it’s about filling up your cup so you have that energy to do so for others.
This eclipse brings significant changes in love, and is about building more stability here so that you feel good about where you are headed in life and who is coming with you.
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Featured image by Shutterstock
The Community Cure To Loneliness: How 'Joyful Connections' Transform Friendships
Many of us, 25+ women, are mindfully exiting toxic relationships and transforming good relationships into great ones by healing our inner child and returning back to childlike play. In the context of a post-lockdown society, we’re recovering from avoiding connection for years by discovering ourselves in community and interdependence, as is most rewarding.
They say raising a child takes a village, but we don’t stop needing a village to become well and good people in adulthood - after all, we are but tender children looking for love, safety, and fun on the inside.
After the obligations and responsibilities of work and home life, there is little left of us, which is why and how we spend what little time we have with others matters. We cannot rely on convenience or proximity to form rich adult friendships that fill our cup, but rather something more substantive.
Why Adult Friendships Feel Harder to Make
As a Brooklyn-based community builder who runs a collective to help women make adult friendships, I would say the best return on investment in new friends comes from meeting people where their joy exists.
When it comes to the development of such friendships, we might need to return to the sandbox and the vulnerability of asking another human if they want to play with us. As kids and young adults, community is compulsory. By way of school, church, extracurricular activities, sports, cul-de-sac friends, and third place galore, we were surrounded by peers from all walks of life, even if we didn’t necessarily intend to be.
Unlikely to consider if these spaces were even truly fun, safe, or beneficial, I’m not sure we even knew that community was what we were participating in.
A lot of folks struggle to make friends beyond their early twenties because the security blankets have been removed.
The 'Friendship Drought' After 25
The average age that most meet our best friends is 21, according to The Friendship Report, a global study commissioned by Snapchat in 2019. We can theorize this is because of factors like college environments, frequency of social events, bonding over canon events like first serious romantic relationships, and simply having idle time.
As we age and our responsibilities start to weigh heavier and heavier, we connect less over levity, play, and gossip and become more concerned with romantic partners - which society assigns greater importance - taxes, mortgages, children, increasingly aching bones, and the looming anxiety of legacy.
The Health Risks of Loneliness
Here’s the thing: Loneliness is as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Our health quite literally depends on having fruitful connections that aren’t grown from obligation. We need friends who choose us because they love to see us happy and light.
We need friends who choose us because they love to see us happy and light.
The average American spends a very sad 41 minutes a day socializing. We are not socialized to value regular attendance to third places or interest-based activities/hobbies, so this makes sense, but it’s the greatest inhibitor to finding other adults we’re delighted by rather than trauma bonds with coworkers who also hate your boss or neighbors who are fine, but don’t share our values.
Meeting Friends Where Joy Exists
Not only do we need to find third places, not only do we need to commit intentional time daily to investing in friends, but we also need to connect with our friends over soul-enriching and genuinely fun activities. Things that help us know each other intimately.
What we do while we spend time with friends is what makes the friendship.
Time is the Real Investment
According to Jeffrey A. Hall of the University of Kansas, it takes over 200 hours of committed time to truly build a friendship, but as the time committed to leisure increases, so does the reported quality of the friendship. Hence, meeting our friends where our joy is.
Hence, meeting our friends where our joy is.
Building Friendship Through Shared Rituals
I was not the kind of person who ever got to make friends for a good or long time. I moved a lot as a child, went to university across the country from my family, where I didn’t have the ideal experience, then moved across the country again to New York post-college - a city notoriously densely populated and yet incredibly lonely.
I was experiencing no shortage of interactions with people, but a shortage of A) time outside of work and B) vulnerable experiences that don’t involve going to a bar to truly bring me closer to other humans. Today, I have certainly met my people.
While I’m emotionally available to kind folks always, my cup is filled constantly by those who have met me where I am happiest with consistency. I know the context of the way these relationships developed has greatly impacted them.
Last year, a new friend of mine noticed I volunteer at a local food bank every week. We are both founders and hobbyists with little extra time on our hands who really value being of service to the community, so I asked her to join me.
Over the period of a year, she and I developed a ritual of buying each other coffee, coming to our “sacred place,” as we call it, and spending time in the kitchen catching up on family chat, dating gossip, therapy updates, and everything in between.
We kiss goodbye and promise to see each other soon, and we always do.
Small Joys, Big Bonds
Several of my friends are travelers, so we spend time eating delicious food and putting our toes in the finest sand in the world together. Several of my friends are obsessed with and work in music, so we enjoy attending the concerts of our favorite artists. My friends and I each have our rituals of sheer, unadulterated joy.
My friends and I each have our rituals of sheer, unadulterated joy.
Redefining Community as Adults
When I plan events for my community collective, I keep this in mind. We don’t just meet over dinner to talk about work - we do yoga together, we make homemade pasta, we grab ice cream, we learn breathwork, we run around the park, we go on nature walks, we meet to debrief books.
It dawned on me recently that because we grew up forced into dynamics with each other, we never truly learned what community means to us and don’t know how to choose it. As we age, the foundation of our survival shifts from being liked by others to liking ourselves and building a small but mighty team of people who support us in doing so and brighten that light in us out in all of its luminosity.
Your friendships and community are, in essence, a team of people who are co-creating your reality, with each person offering a slice of deliciousness to round out your life pie.
Valuing yourself and committing time for joy is the gateway to friends who bring you joy and want to find you there.
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Featured image by Ninthgrid on Unsplash
Article originally published on November 6, 2023









