As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer. If you have a story you'd like to share, but aren't sure about how to put it into words, contact as at submissions@xonecole.com with the subject "As Told To" for a chance for your story to be featured.
This is Evelyn Ngugi's story, as told to Charmin Michelle.
Unemployed on purpose. That's what I was for a year.
I toyed with the idea of quitting my full-time job for some time, but I never pulled the trigger. I had about $20,000 saved, was single, and had no kids—meaning that my decision only affected me. I was inspired by the realization of my potential.
In May 2017, I made a note in my phone titled, SABBATICAL, which listed some of the things I would get into if I weren't working and had more time. It had things like:
Learn to grow food
Visit TX National Parks
Go to museums
Take a screenwriting class
Support local events
Make a family history book
And most importantly, learn about SPACE.
The way my life was going, I wasn't learning or doing anything new, so my break was my way of taking time to explore new things, learn new skills, and enjoy life before diving back into full-time work. And this sabbatical note let me know in what areas of my life that I was unfulfilled.
It was as good a time as any to go for it.
To be funemployed, my only goal was to quit my full-time-job, and not immediately have to look for another. So I put in my resignation, moved out of my apartment—cutting my expenses in half—and moved in with my friends. I simply wanted to be professionally and personally stress-free for a year.
In a conversation discussing this with my dad, he asked, "What do you need from me?" I remember looking him in the eyes and saying, "I need you to trust me."
And from there, my funemployment year was born.
Courtesy of Evelyn Frpm the Internets
I'm a Kenyan-American theater nerd, humor writer, and digital storyteller in Austin, Texas. You've likely seen me on the 'internets'—or YouTube to be specific. I joined that weirdo website back in 2008, and today my channel has over 16 million views and 215K subscribers. I also call everyone who entertains my shenanigans my #InternetCousin. Evelyn from Austin and Evelyn from the Internets are basically the same, mostly except Evelyn talks in the shower and EFTI talks on camera. I'm pretty quiet (not shy!) in new group settings but I cackle at all the same jokes if I'm comfortable and around my friends. Other than that, I'm a creator through and through; in all aspects.
The more I think about it, maybe not reveling in my creativity is what drove my need for a break. Maybe it was being too content. Maybe it was a combination of both, I don't know, but I needed a moment. Mostly to travel, participate in any opportunities that I couldn't participate in before, and to absolutely use every ounce of time to learn new skills and be creative again.
Our self-worth is tied to productivity. And it sucks.
Whew, so during my break, I learned quite a bit about the human psyche. Mostly that capitalism really has us all the way messed up, but I was also shocked at how much my sense of worth as a human was tied to having a job—even though my lack of job was ON PURPOSE. Our society really doesn't value rest, and my biggest lessons came in learning how to balance rest and play.
I think it's a shame that we feel we have to be afforded some form of privilege or access in order to take time off, but everyone on this earth deserves the right to a full-bodied, well-rounded life. And although we didn't make this world, we live in it, therefore having to conform in some way.
This led to me spending an entire year thinking about doing and planning the doing, but not doing the doing... if that makes sense. The year really flew by and I didn't tackle nearly as many things on my SABBATICAL bucket list as I wanted. The transition back into work life was rough, I didn't set myself up with processes and systems to make work flow, especially as a self-employed person, run smoothly.
Shambles, girl.
Standing in the funemployment line was…something.
You know what, I low-key (high-key) didn't complete anything on my list. It's so interesting because I actually failed to take a true break. I spent so much time worrying about if I was being productive or taking a break "the correct way" (what?!) that I didn't feel well-rested or prepared to jump back into the swing of things. It definitely helped me understand how to set smaller goals and recognize the impact hustle culture has had on my own psyche.
Like, my favorite activity was honestly being able to go to the grocery store at 10:30am with no interruptions and cook for myself. Of all the space and freedom to do whatever I wanted, that's what my favorite activity was. *shamed* But it was because it's when I felt most settled, and not forcibly focusing on not working.
Other than that, my funemployment was a blur. I wish it was something epic like Home Alone or what my teen self wished for like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, but really the entire experience was more like Portlandia.
I don't even know what that means but it's what I feel.
Don't take a year off unless you truly understand how you're going to spend your time and what you will say NO to if opportunities try to lure you back.
Thinking back, I think I should have taken maybe three months off, max. It's weird to think about but you make the most of your time when you don't have so much of it. I've learned to protect my free time, and knowing it doesn't always have to be filled.
Just because I'm free from 5-9pm, doesn't mean that's when I should slide another meeting in. Free time is ME time. It's good to have empty space.
Also, I learned the importance of little basic things that we take for granted like signing up for classes if you live alone. You need other humans to vouch for your consistent presence somewhere - it helps to know "every tuesday Evelyn left the house for her screenwriting class" - issa safety thing!
—
Today, Evelyn is a year wiser and a year happier. I work again—two jobs actually—and have successfully concluded my funemployment. Although my year off was not as productive as I initially hoped, I did learn considerable life lessons; ones that I probably wouldn't have stopped to smell the flowers of before.
But this year, my only goals are to collaborate more, and practice the art of having actual hobbies that aren't for external consumption or entertainment...
Ha, what a concept!
Evelyn has many projects that you can follow through Instagram, her website, or YouTube. She is also a host and writer with Say It Loud digital series.
If you have a story you'd like to share, but aren't sure about how to put it into words, contact as at submissions@xonecole.com with the subject "As Told To" for a chance for your story to be featured.
Featured image by Jinni J
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It's important to bring up that super unfair comparison because, when it comes to a particular dating trend that’s on the list of being a really big dating trend right now, it’s both men and women who are looking to get in on it — and if it’s good for one gender (within reason), in all fairness, it should be seen the same way for the other (again, within reason).
So, with that said, whatever it is that I’m about to share on the topic of age-gap dating, just know that I have no bias; I simply think it’s important for men and women, younger and older, to take a very realistic approach to this kind of dating…because as with pretty much everything in life, it has its pros and some, well, cons too.
Popular Doesn’t Automatically Mean Best
GiphySomething that has kind of always fascinated me about our culture is how so many people will abandon all common sense and logic, just to do something that is considered popular. Well, at the end of the day, that’s pretty much what a trend is: something that is currently done by a lot of people for…whatever the reason. When it comes to dating trends, specifically, oftentimes, they are “birthed” out of surveys from dating sites or apps. When the people who conduct them notice that something is overwhelmingly preferred, encouraged, or supported, then it becomes a trend — and that’s just where age-gap dating came from.
Long story short, Bumble kinda-sorta-recently did a survey and discovered things like 63 percent of folks don’t factor in age when it comes to dating, and 59 percent of women said that they would date a younger man; those are pretty large numbers, and so, there ya have it: a trend.
I will say that although the study wasn’t super-duper specific about when an age gap is considered to be too much of one,Glamour published an article a few years back that said, 10-plus years between two people is enough to start causing some issues if one is not careful (more on that in a sec). And so, before you decide to get out here lookin’ for a youngin’ or a more — eh hem — mature man, just because it currently seems like everyone else is open to it, consider if 10 years — backward or forwards — is something that you would want to deal with; especially long-term.
If you’re not sure, keep reading. Hopefully, I will provide some things for you to ponder.
Difference in Age Means Differences Everywhere
GiphyI’ve got people in my world who have big age gaps in their relationships. I’m talking about more than just 10 years. One example that immediately comes to mind is a married couple who has 15 years between them; the wife is older. On some levels, everything seems cool and copasetic. Oh, but there are nuances. Like she can be very condescending when it comes to what he finds to be fun and entertaining. Plus, their sex drives are not even close to being compatible now that she is well past menopause. It’s interesting because, rather than acknowledging that a lot of all of this has to do with their vast age differences, she prefers to see him as being immature. He’s not immature, sis. He’s just a lot younger than you are.
So, when it comes to age-gap relationships, that’s the first thing that you should think about: are you willing to deal with the differences that will probably come about, simply because you are at different stages in your lives due to your different ages?
Example: Because people say that I don’t look my age (‘preciate it), it’s not uncommon for folks to try and set me up with someone who is in their early 30s. For the most part, I’ll pass. For one thing, I intentionally decided that I didn’t want to have kids a long time ago, and I don’t want to have that discussion/debate with someone who may feel otherwise (quite possibly because they don’t have kids or want more of them). Also, I’ve worked with people, in the lane of relationships, for quite some time now.
Men before 35? For the most part, I encourage their focus to be on themselves and building their life (because a lot of guys don’t hit their professional and financial peak until their late 40s or early 50s). As for myself, I’m pretty settled, so I don’t want to be a hindrance when it comes to them up and moving a few times or switching career paths. Do that babe. You should.
I could go on and on when it comes to this particular point. The bottom line is dating someone who has a semi-significant age difference from you and then having a problem with the differences that come along with it is like really enjoying the summertime and then expecting winter to act like it…just because you do. Feel me?
Age-Gap Dating Requires Being a (Patient) Student. And Teacher.
GiphyWhenever people talk to me about the hours that they spend (or is it waste?) arguing with folks on social media, something that I will oftentimes say (for instance) is, “Some of those folks weren’t even born when Freaknik happened. Let them come to the wisdom and insight that you have, due to your age, on their own.” Same thing goes for age-gap dating.
When it comes to these celebrity relationships, so many of them switch up like they change their underwear, so I won’t even give specific examples. If you surf or scroll on a daily basis, though, you know that there are some older women dating younger men and older men who are dating younger women who show all the signs in the world of heading for a real roller coaster ride because…they are simply at two totally different points in their life.
For instance, when you’re in your 20s, it’s not automatically a red flag that you want to go to the club often. Oh, but when you’re in your 40s, you can be tempted to tell them that it is — even though you did the same thing when you were their age. You know, just because you’ve “been there and done that” before, that doesn’t mean you should look down on them because they haven’t (yet).
Yeah, that’s another challenge about age-gap dating and age-gap relationships: you tend to think that you should be someone’s parent instead of their partner.
So, do I think that age-gap dating can never work? No, that’s not the case. What I will say is if you’re not a very flexible person, you are about to be pissed, often. Because when you’re with someone who has a different view of things that you do, and a part of it is because they are a different age than you are, you’ve got to be willing to teach some things that could help them to grow and also learn some things that could help you to become a better person — whether they are the older one or not.
Take two of my clients where, again, the husband is younger (by nine years) and the wife is older. He says all of the time that if he had not come into her life, she would’ve aged faster because she owns the fact that she’s not naturally a very adventurous person. At the same time, because of her influence in his life, he’s better with time management, which has helped him professionally, because she’s a huge planner (something that she learned to become due to “fumbling some balls” back when she was younger). See what I mean: the student as well as the teacher.
Does this apply to all relationships? It should. I’m just saying that when age-gap dating comes into play, lessons tend to pop up often and sometimes, very unexpectedly, simply due to folks being at various places and stages due to their age alone. If you can’t fathom dealing with that, age-gap dating is probably not something that you should get involved with.
Casually Doing It Can Tend to Backfire
GiphyOkay, so what if you’re someone who wants to do some age-gap dating on a casual level? What could possibly go wrong there? Well, from reading some of my other articles (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”), you’ll already know that I’m not big on the meaning of casual: apathetic, careless, off-hand, without serious intention. Me? Especially at this age, I have zero energy or interest to be dealt with on a casual basis (whew, chile). And what if you’re the one who wants to take this approach? I mean, you’re grown, right? Do you.
I will just give the heads up when it comes to, say, wanting to have a casual sexual situationship with a younger man, while there is more content out here that says while 20-somethings may be having more sex, it’s the people in their 40s who are actually enjoying it the most (which means that it shouldn’t be assumed that the young guys do it better), science is science — and science says that testosterone levels are at their highest when a man is in his 20s. Meanwhile, for us, we are reportedly able to have the most consistent orgasms while we’re in our 30s. Where am I going with all of this?
I actually didn’t become sexually active until college. My first love was younger than I, and goodness, when didn’t he want to hump my leg? The college period was like a sea of raging hormone vessels with free rooms in the form of dorms. Chaotic and damn near diabolical in hindsight. LOL. And a big part of that is because guys have testosterone surging, and we as women are hella fertile. Getting off stays at the forefront on some level (at least for most of us).
The challenge with that is a lot of people who are hormone-driven may not necessarily be relationship-minded. And once you hit your late 30s-40s, after a couple of months of mind-blowing sex (perhaps), that could get old, especially if the sweet young thang doesn’t have much more to offer than that. And so…where do things have to go? That’s the thing about casual…usually nowhere. Again, by definition.
I will say that if you just read all of that and was like, “Okay…and still, what’s the problem?” — hey, do you, sis. I just think it needs to go on record that once you reach a certain point and place in life, casual experiences with younger men can damn near seem brutal — and you can’t really blame them if you got turned out, yet they barely respond to any texts that don’t have sex on the menu. #justsaying
Make Sure to Be Extremely Honest About Your Needs. And Expectations.
GiphyLet’s swing to the other side of this: you dating an older man. I know someone who is currently doing that as well. She’s in her late 30s, and he’s in his early 50s. He’s stable. He’s smart. She said the sex is bomb. Dating him is fun, spontaneous, and full of surprises. So, what’s the problem? He’s super set in his ways. His values are hella traditional (hers are not).
More than anything, though, she wants to get married, and he’s divorced, so he has more of a “been there, done that” take on it. Does he have a problem with being exclusive? Absolutely not. However, having another wife or more children? His kids are grown. He’s mentally and emotionally past that time, too. And so, at a bit of a crossroads, they are — both are invested, and yet, because they are in different seasons of life, they don’t want the same things.
That’s another thing to consider when it comes to age-gap dating — if you are looking for something serious or substantial, you don’t really have time to waste when it comes to getting your needs and expectations out on the table. That’s why, past the first date to see if there is potential for a real connection beyond just chemistry, when it comes to age-gap dating, you really need to get your needs and expectations out there (on both sides) as soon as possible because — and pardon the pun — time is definitely of the essence.
___
A lot to think about? Yeah, perhaps. At the same time, is the age-gap something to be leery of? No. It’s just important to check your motives, be realistic, and not lie to yourself or the person you’re seeing about what you want to get out of it.
Because no matter how hot of a trend age-gap dating may currently be, you need to do what’s right and best for you…not merely what is…popular.
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