Here Are 10 Questions To Ask Before Choosing A Therapist
Earlier this spring, I remember reading an article where Oprah said that she had never been to therapy before; that in her mind, her best friend, Gayle King was her "regulator". When you think about all that Oprah has shared regarding childhood trauma, weight battles and pressures with her platform and then you add to that the fact that she gives out so much advice for a living, that seemed rather ironic to me.
It also reminded me of why I oftentimes say to my own clients that there is a difference between something being therapeutic and actually going to therapy. To me, at least once in life, everyone should see a therapist (or counselor or life coach). It's simply a good idea to have a professional help you to look at things from an "outside looking in", totally objective perspective, whether it's for the purpose of healing, revelation, goal-setting — or all of the above.
If you're someone who has either never been to a therapist before yet you've been strongly considering doing so as of late or you've tried it, got burned, and are leery about attempting going again (even though a part of you feels like you should), as a marriage life coach myself, I wanted to share 10 questions that you should personally run through. Ones that can help you feel a lot more confident about sitting on a therapist's couch — for a season.
1. What Specifically Do You Want a Therapist For?
When it comes to this first point, let me say that it would be a bit unfair for anyone who is a therapist to automatically expect you to know what kind of help that you need. After all, getting to the root of that is actually a part of a therapist's job. At the same time, it is a good idea to have some sort of ballpark idea of what you're looking for and the desired outcome you'd like to have. Like me? I work specifically with people who want to keep their marriage together, get it to thrive or those who desire marriage. Sometimes, I'll work with singles who are trying to get some areas of their life together; however, based on how complex and serious those issues are, I'll refer them out.
So, how do you start with your search when it comes to targeting exactly what you want or need? Well, do you want personal or professional assistance? Does it have to do with relationships in any way? Perhaps you've got some patterns/habits that you'd like to break. Are there things about how you live your life that you sense may be rooted in childhood trauma? Maybe you feel stagnant and you need someone to help you to get "unstuck" and set some goals. Ask some questions until you are able to "scratch an itch" so to speak. By the way, if there is something (or one) that is internally nagging you that won't seem to go away, that is a good indication that it should be brought up in therapy.
2. Will a Life Coach Do?
I once heard someone say that the main difference between a therapist and a life coach is a therapist focuses on one's mental health while a life coach is about helping someone reach their goals. I can definitely see there being a lot of truth to that; however, oftentimes a therapist is also considered to be a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist or counselor while a life coach? Some have "letters behind their name" while others do not. It kind of all depends on how much education you'd prefer the person you are working with to have. For instance, a lot of church folks go to see their pastor for counsel yet many of them aren't licensed therapists (or even licensed life coaches); they would be more like a life coach. I've been very open that I am a life coach as well. My work comes from years of experience while a friend of mine, who is also a coach, recently got certified.
Personally, when I'm dealing with a person or couple who I feel have some really deep-rooted issues, oftentimes I will recommend that they go to a therapist in addition to seeing me. However, if you're basically looking for assistance in identifying core issues and mapping out a plan on how to move forward, many times a coach (in an area of expertise that you're looking for because there are many different kinds) will fit the bill.
3. Is Their Ethnicity and Gender Relevant?
Not too long ago, a friend of mine asked me to refer them to a life coach. When I asked them what area they wanted to focus on, they said that they needed to get professionally organized and also create some long-term goals. Because this individual is pretty "fist in the air" (I'm sure you get what I mean by that — LOL), I assumed that they wanted someone Black. To my surprise, no. "I would actually prefer someone who sees life from a different lens because a lot of my clients aren't Black." Noted.
Some of you who are die-hard Insecure fans can recall the journey that Molly went on to find the right therapist for her. And yes, sometimes, being with someone who shares your ethnicity and/or gender can be a real comfort because you tend to feel like they get exactly where you are coming from. Anyway, whether that is the case for you or not, definitely factor this in while making your selection. It can make finding your right fit so much easier for you.
4. Do They Share or Respect Your Value/Belief System?
As a marriage life coach, I've worked with a few atheist couples in my time (actually, atheists tend to say married a lot longer than many Christians do…that's another article for another time, though). Because I strive to be a Bible follower, I've been asked if that was difficult to do. Eh, a little challenging only because I am someone who believes that marriage is a faith-based union; however, not impossible because I also believe that you can have morals and not be of the same faith system as I am. Still, since I tend to bring up God and Scripture quite a bit, I do make sure that prospective clients know that I think marriage is a covenant relationship and that I use the Bible in a lot of my counsel — at least a lot of the time. At the same time, there is actually a verse in the Word that talks about speaking in parables (applicable stories), so that folks who wouldn't understand Scripture can understand where you are coming from (Matthew 13:13). Taking that in has made it easier to communicate with folks from all walks of life.
Anyway, the bottom line here is you don't want to see someone who could end up doing a lot of debating with you or you're going to feel patronized around because you both have a different set of values or belief systems. If you're Jewish and want a Jewish therapist or agnostic and would prefer someone who won't bring up faith at all in your sessions, that makes total sense; it's pretty wise to look for that. You're already gonna have a lot to unpack. No need to start, right out of the gate, not seeing eye to eye about core foundational issues.
5. Have You Ever Seen a Therapist Before?
When I say that there is someone in my life who needs to go to therapy, stat — there can't be a bigger understatement when it comes to this topic. While the core of him is good, he makes some of the most redundantly toxic choices that I have ever seen in my entire life. The real catcher is he's so cryptic when it comes to how he moves that a lot of people come to him for insight. It's a mess. The few times when he has at least allowed me to broach the topic of counseling, he once shared that when he took a chance and tried, the therapist actually did something that was extremely unethical; they started developing feelings for him. And so, as of now, that has caused him to stay as far away from therapy as possible.
If you're hesitant about going to a therapist because you've never been before and you're not sure what to expect, that is totally understandable. Just try and keep an open mind. No one can make you do anything you want to do — including staying with someone you don't like or continuing in something that doesn't seem like a wise fit. On the other hand, if you're damning therapy because of a bad past experience, what I will say is, just like there are some good and bad people in general, there are also some good and not-so-good therapists. To swear off all of them because of one unfortunate situation would be a shame. Besides, how can one meeting — possibly a couple of times — with someone new hurt? You're still in control. No matter what. Always remember that.
6. How Do They Act in the First Meeting?
I'm gonna be straight up with you. Seeing a prospective therapist/counselor/life coach for the first time is a lot like a first date. And just like first dates, there are several red flags that you should look out for. Ready? Here are 10 of 'em.
- If they're late. It means they don't respect your time.
- If you feel like they are over-talking you. They aren't good listeners.
- If they come off condescending or patronizing. You need to feel comfortable.
- If they are distracted. That's just plain rude.
- If you feel like they're giving more of a monologue than dialoguing with you. You aren't to be their audience member.
- If you feel a hell of a lot worse rather than better. No one should feel like shame imposed by the therapist. Do keep in mind that therapy may bring about really uncomfortable moments so that you can get to the root of matters.
- If you sense gaslighting or manipulation. A therapist shouldn't be emotionally controlling or violating you.
- If it seems like a religion session. A faith-based therapist is one thing. Trying to recruit you is something else.
- If you feel no sense of peace. A good fit will bring about some clarity or "ah ha" moments, even from the first meeting.
- If you just don't "click". No explanation needed.
7. How Does Payment Go?
This is huge. Some therapists only take insurance (and well, you already know how that goes). Some will change insurance companies and just drop you (even if you've worked with them for years). Some are willing to work out some sort of out-of-pocket payment plan. The bottom line with this point is assume nothing. I know some people who were really hurt when, after several years of seeing (and becoming really comfortable with) their therapist, they had to part ways because their therapist left their insurance network and so they couldn't afford to keep seeing them. Let me tell it, before even going to the first session, this should be addressed. It would be a shame to find someone you really like, even upon the initial meeting, only to realize that you can't afford them.
8. How Committed Do You Plan on Being to the Process?
I believe I can speak for all people in the counseling field when I say that nothing is more taxing than working with clients where we seem far more invested in their betterment/healing than they do. I can't tell you how many couples I've worked with who don't do the assignments and/or will show up late and/or will cancel/reschedule at the last minute — over and over again. Or, they want to meet far and few between, when their problems clearly indicate that they need to be seeing someone, at least a couple of times a month. Matter of fact, I know a couple who's basically been in some sort of therapy, ever since they said, "I do". However, they are infrequent as all get out and are constantly in a pattern of expecting the therapist to save them from divorce whenever they allow things to go too far. Saving you at the last minute? Yeah, that is not our job. And it's not even fair.
Anyway, once you've met with a therapist for a few times, they should be able to give somewhat of an assessment of how often you should see them and how long it will be necessary (at that level of intensity, whatever that may be). If you know that you are not going to commit to that, you might want to wait until you can. The reality is that some people have a bad experience in therapy, not because of the therapist or the therapy itself; it's because they are mentally and emotionally all over the place and refuse to do the work that is required. And as best-seller author Iyanla Vanzant often says, "We're not gonna fight you for your healing." We shouldn't have to.
9. Has the Therapist Ever Been to Therapy?
This. One. Right. Here. If you're someone who's always been hesitant about going to therapy because you've heard that some of the craziest people are therapists — I'm not gonna lie and act like there's not some truth to that. There are many narcissists who are therapists. There are a lot of arrogant people who are therapists. Some folks use being a therapist as a way of escapism from their own demons and drama because it makes them feel good to fix other people's stuff rather than dig deep and tackle their own. And then there are some therapists who are so delusional that they think everyone needs their insight while they can't humble themselves to hear what they need to do with their own lives.
This is why I think it is totally NOT out of bounds to ask a prospective therapist if they've ever been to therapy before. While the reasons why are not really any of your business, you can learn a lot about someone who is willing to admit that either they've had past issues that they've needed to tackle or, like Meryl Streep's character did in one of my favorite movies (Prime), they go because they hear so much of other people's stuff that they need a professional to help them to process it all and set good emotional boundaries.
One of my favorite licensed counselors, I saw in high school, college and many years into my 20s. Now I have a therapist friend that I run things by when I need them. They are an absolutely godsend. So yeah, a therapist who has a therapist isn't something to side-eye. It's actually something to smile about.
10. What’s the “Proof of Purchase”?
Something that I apply to churches and therapists is, if after about a year, you see no signs of personal growth and progress, that's probably not the place for you. Best believe that, also like a lot of churches, unfortunately, there are some therapists out here who are perfectly fine running your credit/debit card, listening to you and not really tracking for your growth. A thorough therapist will actually talk about where things stand and how you're doing, periodically. And you should expect that because a therapist is supposed to provide you with tips and tools to be better as the result of interacting with them. You definitely shouldn't be stagnant or worse — worse.
I am passionate about people getting the health that they need, so of course, I could go on. I'm hoping that this will help to at least provide you with some peace of mind. Therapy is a blessing. Asking the right questions can lead you to the best therapist. It really can.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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You And Your Partner Should Definitely Be Giving Each Other 'Sex Massages'
A few weeks ago, while in a session with some clients, the wife asked me if I had any tips on how she and her husband could make foreplay more exciting. The first thing that came out of my mouth was that she and her man should get into giving each other massages more often.
After she looked at me like, “No, I mean something sexy that we can do,” I proceeded to explain to her that, when done with a specific intention and goal in mind, sex massages can be something that will lead to some of the most intense and pleasurable sex two people have ever had.
Yeah, I know a lot of times that, when the topic of massages comes up, it’s from a more “functional” space, such as relieving pain or reducing anxiety; however, as you’re about to see, if you and your man added sex massages into your sex life more often, “boring” is probably the last thing that you will ever use to describe what happens up in your bedroom ever again.
Here’s why I believe that to absolutely be the case…
First, Let’s Recap (Some of) the Benefits of a Massage
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A few years ago, I wrote an article entitled, “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.” for the platform. When you get a second, check it out because not only can it help you to figure out what specific type of massage you should get the next time that you schedule one, but it can also provide some proven health benefits that come with each one.
As far as massages overall, according to the American Massage Therapy Association, massages can do everything from reducing stress and anxiety to soothing lower back pain, releasing muscle tension, and improving your quality of sleep — and that really is just the tip of the iceberg! And since those things alone can play a direct role in not just how much sex you have but how great the sex will be while you’re having it, automatically, massages should become a part of your self-care regimen if you’re serious about getting the absolute most, in the best way possible, when it comes to your sex life (along with the quality of your health overall but we’re talking about sex right now…#wink).
Now, Let’s Talk About the Power of Physical Touch
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Back when I was a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national nonprofit, once I developed a certain level of trust with my “daughters,” they would oftentimes bring their boyfriends (or, umm, situations) in for me to low-key vet them. Even though, these days, you have to be extra careful when it comes to extending any kind of physical contact with folks, does it surprise y’all that I am totally unconventional? I would hug my girls and their guys. Why? Because I get that a big part of the reason why so many young people are so hypersexed is that they don’t really get much physical affection at home (you can always tell); so, sex is what they resort to in order to get some sort of touch from another human being. They’re not alone either; I’ve actually read that the United States tops the places in the world where people are extremely “touch deprived.”
That said, at this point, who doesn’t know about the five love languages (check out “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?”)? At the very least, everyone is aware that they are words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts, and, yes, physical touch. Yet even if physical touch isn’t the top way that you’d prefer to receive love, it’s still a foundational need for you, whether you realize it or not. There are studies to support the fact that when teachers pat their students on the back, those individuals are three times more likely to engage in class, that children with autism (who oftentimes prefer no touch at all) feel soothed whenever they are massaged by a parent or their therapist; that massage therapy is quite effective with moms who are going through postpartum depression, and that touch can make those with Alzheimer’s disease feel less stressed out.
When it comes to touch on a romantic level, there’s also research that cites that physical touch helps to activate the part of our brains that helps us to make wiser decisions. And, when it comes to kissing, we as women choose our partners, in part, by “messages” that we receive through a man’s saliva (no joke!). Plus, if you want to feel supported and empathized with, physical touch can convey that message, too. Not to mention good ole’ oxytocin and the role that it plays in bonding us to other people whenever we’re holding their hand, cuddling up with them, or engaging in sex with them.
I really could go on and on, yet I’m hoping what you’re getting is revelation, understanding, and/or confirmation that physical touch is extremely important and, when it comes to interacting with your partner, it goes well beyond what goes down in the bedroom. Physical touch is literally life-altering.
Okay, So What Makes a ‘Sex Massage’ Different?
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So, what makes a sex (or sexual) massage different from any other kind of one? That’s a good question. A sex massage is pretty much what it sounds like: a massage that has the ultimate intention of sexually exciting or arousing one’s partner.
If the first thing that comes to your mind is a “happy ending,” I won’t lie — there is some merit to that. In fact, full disclosure, a part of what inspired me to even pen this was rewatching the Lifetime seriesThe Client List (Jennifer Love Hewitt) on Tubi (did you know that they’ve gotDegrassi High: The Next Generation [yep with Drake] on there now? Dammit man! LOL). If you’ve never seen it or the movie that resulted in the spinoff, long story short, a spa was giving happy endings on the low. The women there would dress up in sexy outfits, start off with a “regular” massage, and between personal requests for certain fetishes, touching “those” spots, and umm, doing some other things — I’m pretty sure that you get the drift. So yes, all of that would technically qualify as a sex massage.
However, when it comes to its core definition, the objective of a sex massage is to use massage to bring some peace, serenity, and stimulation to the mind, body, and spirit.
When you do this for men, it can help to treat erectile dysfunction and help them to last longer in bed. When you do this for women, it can reduce stress levels and make it easier to climax. For both, it can lead to intensified orgasms, which is always a good thing. And that’s why incorporating sex massages into your foreplay activities can always be a super wise move.
What Are the Different Types of Sexual Massages?
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Okay, so now that you know a little bit more about sex massages, you might be wondering if you should just put a lace teddy on, pull out some massage oil, and get to rubbing (or rubbing one out). I mean, that’s one approach — and I’m pretty sure that your partner won’t mind one bit. LOL. Technically, though, there are some specific types of sex massages that you can do.
Tantric Massage. This is a massage that incorporates the principles of tantra. You can read more about tantric sex principles here. As far as the massage itself goes, you pretty much start by massaging the entire body (preferably while your partner is on their back) as you slowly move towards their various erogenous zones. Peep that I didn’t say genitalia only; erogenous zones are various places throughout the body that sexually stimulate a person (check out “7 Erogenous Zones You and Your Partner Should Explore During Sex,” “Feelin' On These Pressure Points Will Give You The Best Sex Of Your Life” and “So, What If ‘Typical Erogenous Zones’ Annoy TF Outta You?”). Anyway, you can read more about how to give a stellar tantric massage here.
Tantric Breast Massage. Aside from the fact that breast massages can help to remove toxins from your body, if they happen to be an erogenous zone for you, they can feel pretty damn amazing, too, especially since nipple orgasms are definitely a thing and starting your night off with one could make for a super wild evening (in the best way possible, of course). Learn more about breast massages here.
Lingam Massage. Still, a part of the “tantric family,” lingam massages focus on the penis solely. I would go into more depth here, but there’s no need. A few years back, I wrote all about it. Check out “Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage.”
Yoni Massage. Pretty sure you can guess what this one is all about, right? Yes, a yoni massage is when your partner hones in on your vaginal region — first on your vulva (the outer part of your vagina) and then on your vagina (the inner tube). If you’d like to experience one, shoot your man the article that Men’s Health wrote on how to give one; it’s right here.
Nuru Massage. I’m someone who likes to read up on the origin of things. From what I’ve discovered about this type of massage, “nuru” is Japanese for slippery. What takes place here is you and your partner are both naked and (massage) oiled up. Then one of you lays on top of the other and rubs against the other person. How you can do this and it not immediately lead to sex? Your guess is as good as mine, chile. Read more up on it here.
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If reading about all of this doesn’t get you all hot ‘n bothered, just at the mere thought of giving and receiving a sex massage, I don’t know what to tell you, sis. Hell, I wrote it and I feel a bit of a tingle! All I can say is that a sex massage is something that you shouldn’t knock until you’ve tried (all five, in my opinion). And once you have, report back if all of that rubbing doesn’t cause a spark! Straight up.
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