Here Are 10 Questions To Ask Before Choosing A Therapist
Earlier this spring, I remember reading an article where Oprah said that she had never been to therapy before; that in her mind, her best friend, Gayle King was her "regulator". When you think about all that Oprah has shared regarding childhood trauma, weight battles and pressures with her platform and then you add to that the fact that she gives out so much advice for a living, that seemed rather ironic to me.
It also reminded me of why I oftentimes say to my own clients that there is a difference between something being therapeutic and actually going to therapy. To me, at least once in life, everyone should see a therapist (or counselor or life coach). It's simply a good idea to have a professional help you to look at things from an "outside looking in", totally objective perspective, whether it's for the purpose of healing, revelation, goal-setting — or all of the above.
If you're someone who has either never been to a therapist before yet you've been strongly considering doing so as of late or you've tried it, got burned, and are leery about attempting going again (even though a part of you feels like you should), as a marriage life coach myself, I wanted to share 10 questions that you should personally run through. Ones that can help you feel a lot more confident about sitting on a therapist's couch — for a season.
1. What Specifically Do You Want a Therapist For?
When it comes to this first point, let me say that it would be a bit unfair for anyone who is a therapist to automatically expect you to know what kind of help that you need. After all, getting to the root of that is actually a part of a therapist's job. At the same time, it is a good idea to have some sort of ballpark idea of what you're looking for and the desired outcome you'd like to have. Like me? I work specifically with people who want to keep their marriage together, get it to thrive or those who desire marriage. Sometimes, I'll work with singles who are trying to get some areas of their life together; however, based on how complex and serious those issues are, I'll refer them out.
So, how do you start with your search when it comes to targeting exactly what you want or need? Well, do you want personal or professional assistance? Does it have to do with relationships in any way? Perhaps you've got some patterns/habits that you'd like to break. Are there things about how you live your life that you sense may be rooted in childhood trauma? Maybe you feel stagnant and you need someone to help you to get "unstuck" and set some goals. Ask some questions until you are able to "scratch an itch" so to speak. By the way, if there is something (or one) that is internally nagging you that won't seem to go away, that is a good indication that it should be brought up in therapy.
2. Will a Life Coach Do?
I once heard someone say that the main difference between a therapist and a life coach is a therapist focuses on one's mental health while a life coach is about helping someone reach their goals. I can definitely see there being a lot of truth to that; however, oftentimes a therapist is also considered to be a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist or counselor while a life coach? Some have "letters behind their name" while others do not. It kind of all depends on how much education you'd prefer the person you are working with to have. For instance, a lot of church folks go to see their pastor for counsel yet many of them aren't licensed therapists (or even licensed life coaches); they would be more like a life coach. I've been very open that I am a life coach as well. My work comes from years of experience while a friend of mine, who is also a coach, recently got certified.
Personally, when I'm dealing with a person or couple who I feel have some really deep-rooted issues, oftentimes I will recommend that they go to a therapist in addition to seeing me. However, if you're basically looking for assistance in identifying core issues and mapping out a plan on how to move forward, many times a coach (in an area of expertise that you're looking for because there are many different kinds) will fit the bill.
3. Is Their Ethnicity and Gender Relevant?
Not too long ago, a friend of mine asked me to refer them to a life coach. When I asked them what area they wanted to focus on, they said that they needed to get professionally organized and also create some long-term goals. Because this individual is pretty "fist in the air" (I'm sure you get what I mean by that — LOL), I assumed that they wanted someone Black. To my surprise, no. "I would actually prefer someone who sees life from a different lens because a lot of my clients aren't Black." Noted.
Some of you who are die-hard Insecure fans can recall the journey that Molly went on to find the right therapist for her. And yes, sometimes, being with someone who shares your ethnicity and/or gender can be a real comfort because you tend to feel like they get exactly where you are coming from. Anyway, whether that is the case for you or not, definitely factor this in while making your selection. It can make finding your right fit so much easier for you.
4. Do They Share or Respect Your Value/Belief System?
As a marriage life coach, I've worked with a few atheist couples in my time (actually, atheists tend to say married a lot longer than many Christians do…that's another article for another time, though). Because I strive to be a Bible follower, I've been asked if that was difficult to do. Eh, a little challenging only because I am someone who believes that marriage is a faith-based union; however, not impossible because I also believe that you can have morals and not be of the same faith system as I am. Still, since I tend to bring up God and Scripture quite a bit, I do make sure that prospective clients know that I think marriage is a covenant relationship and that I use the Bible in a lot of my counsel — at least a lot of the time. At the same time, there is actually a verse in the Word that talks about speaking in parables (applicable stories), so that folks who wouldn't understand Scripture can understand where you are coming from (Matthew 13:13). Taking that in has made it easier to communicate with folks from all walks of life.
Anyway, the bottom line here is you don't want to see someone who could end up doing a lot of debating with you or you're going to feel patronized around because you both have a different set of values or belief systems. If you're Jewish and want a Jewish therapist or agnostic and would prefer someone who won't bring up faith at all in your sessions, that makes total sense; it's pretty wise to look for that. You're already gonna have a lot to unpack. No need to start, right out of the gate, not seeing eye to eye about core foundational issues.
5. Have You Ever Seen a Therapist Before?
When I say that there is someone in my life who needs to go to therapy, stat — there can't be a bigger understatement when it comes to this topic. While the core of him is good, he makes some of the most redundantly toxic choices that I have ever seen in my entire life. The real catcher is he's so cryptic when it comes to how he moves that a lot of people come to him for insight. It's a mess. The few times when he has at least allowed me to broach the topic of counseling, he once shared that when he took a chance and tried, the therapist actually did something that was extremely unethical; they started developing feelings for him. And so, as of now, that has caused him to stay as far away from therapy as possible.
If you're hesitant about going to a therapist because you've never been before and you're not sure what to expect, that is totally understandable. Just try and keep an open mind. No one can make you do anything you want to do — including staying with someone you don't like or continuing in something that doesn't seem like a wise fit. On the other hand, if you're damning therapy because of a bad past experience, what I will say is, just like there are some good and bad people in general, there are also some good and not-so-good therapists. To swear off all of them because of one unfortunate situation would be a shame. Besides, how can one meeting — possibly a couple of times — with someone new hurt? You're still in control. No matter what. Always remember that.
6. How Do They Act in the First Meeting?
I'm gonna be straight up with you. Seeing a prospective therapist/counselor/life coach for the first time is a lot like a first date. And just like first dates, there are several red flags that you should look out for. Ready? Here are 10 of 'em.
- If they're late. It means they don't respect your time.
- If you feel like they are over-talking you. They aren't good listeners.
- If they come off condescending or patronizing. You need to feel comfortable.
- If they are distracted. That's just plain rude.
- If you feel like they're giving more of a monologue than dialoguing with you. You aren't to be their audience member.
- If you feel a hell of a lot worse rather than better. No one should feel like shame imposed by the therapist. Do keep in mind that therapy may bring about really uncomfortable moments so that you can get to the root of matters.
- If you sense gaslighting or manipulation. A therapist shouldn't be emotionally controlling or violating you.
- If it seems like a religion session. A faith-based therapist is one thing. Trying to recruit you is something else.
- If you feel no sense of peace. A good fit will bring about some clarity or "ah ha" moments, even from the first meeting.
- If you just don't "click". No explanation needed.
7. How Does Payment Go?
This is huge. Some therapists only take insurance (and well, you already know how that goes). Some will change insurance companies and just drop you (even if you've worked with them for years). Some are willing to work out some sort of out-of-pocket payment plan. The bottom line with this point is assume nothing. I know some people who were really hurt when, after several years of seeing (and becoming really comfortable with) their therapist, they had to part ways because their therapist left their insurance network and so they couldn't afford to keep seeing them. Let me tell it, before even going to the first session, this should be addressed. It would be a shame to find someone you really like, even upon the initial meeting, only to realize that you can't afford them.
8. How Committed Do You Plan on Being to the Process?
I believe I can speak for all people in the counseling field when I say that nothing is more taxing than working with clients where we seem far more invested in their betterment/healing than they do. I can't tell you how many couples I've worked with who don't do the assignments and/or will show up late and/or will cancel/reschedule at the last minute — over and over again. Or, they want to meet far and few between, when their problems clearly indicate that they need to be seeing someone, at least a couple of times a month. Matter of fact, I know a couple who's basically been in some sort of therapy, ever since they said, "I do". However, they are infrequent as all get out and are constantly in a pattern of expecting the therapist to save them from divorce whenever they allow things to go too far. Saving you at the last minute? Yeah, that is not our job. And it's not even fair.
Anyway, once you've met with a therapist for a few times, they should be able to give somewhat of an assessment of how often you should see them and how long it will be necessary (at that level of intensity, whatever that may be). If you know that you are not going to commit to that, you might want to wait until you can. The reality is that some people have a bad experience in therapy, not because of the therapist or the therapy itself; it's because they are mentally and emotionally all over the place and refuse to do the work that is required. And as best-seller author Iyanla Vanzant often says, "We're not gonna fight you for your healing." We shouldn't have to.
9. Has the Therapist Ever Been to Therapy?
This. One. Right. Here. If you're someone who's always been hesitant about going to therapy because you've heard that some of the craziest people are therapists — I'm not gonna lie and act like there's not some truth to that. There are many narcissists who are therapists. There are a lot of arrogant people who are therapists. Some folks use being a therapist as a way of escapism from their own demons and drama because it makes them feel good to fix other people's stuff rather than dig deep and tackle their own. And then there are some therapists who are so delusional that they think everyone needs their insight while they can't humble themselves to hear what they need to do with their own lives.
This is why I think it is totally NOT out of bounds to ask a prospective therapist if they've ever been to therapy before. While the reasons why are not really any of your business, you can learn a lot about someone who is willing to admit that either they've had past issues that they've needed to tackle or, like Meryl Streep's character did in one of my favorite movies (Prime), they go because they hear so much of other people's stuff that they need a professional to help them to process it all and set good emotional boundaries.
One of my favorite licensed counselors, I saw in high school, college and many years into my 20s. Now I have a therapist friend that I run things by when I need them. They are an absolutely godsend. So yeah, a therapist who has a therapist isn't something to side-eye. It's actually something to smile about.
10. What’s the “Proof of Purchase”?
Something that I apply to churches and therapists is, if after about a year, you see no signs of personal growth and progress, that's probably not the place for you. Best believe that, also like a lot of churches, unfortunately, there are some therapists out here who are perfectly fine running your credit/debit card, listening to you and not really tracking for your growth. A thorough therapist will actually talk about where things stand and how you're doing, periodically. And you should expect that because a therapist is supposed to provide you with tips and tools to be better as the result of interacting with them. You definitely shouldn't be stagnant or worse — worse.
I am passionate about people getting the health that they need, so of course, I could go on. I'm hoping that this will help to at least provide you with some peace of mind. Therapy is a blessing. Asking the right questions can lead you to the best therapist. It really can.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Beyond Burnout: Nicole Walters' Blueprint For Achieving Career Success On Your Own Terms
Nicole Walters has always been known for two things: her ambition and her ability to recognize when life’s challenges can also double as an inspiring, lucrative brand.
This was first evident more than a decade ago when she quit her job as the corporate executive of a Fortune 500 company during a Periscope livestream. “I’m not sure if there’s an alignment of [our] future trajectory. I’m going to work for myself. I'm promoting myself to work for myself,” she said at the time before flashing a smile at the viewing audience. As she resigned on camera, a constant stream of encouraging messages floated upwards on the screen.
By 2021, she’d fashioned her work as a corporate consultant and her personal life with her husband and three adopted daughters into a reality show, She’s The Boss, for USA Network. This year, she released the New York Times bestselling memoir Nothing Is Missing, written as she was in the process of getting a divorce and dealing with her eldest daughter’s struggles with substance use.
Convinced that there’s no way the 39-year-old has achieved all of this without intentional strategic planning, I asked her about it when we spoke less than a week before Christmas. I’d seen videos on social media of her working on 2024 planning for other brands, and I wanted to know what that looked like following her own year of success.
She listed a number of goals, including ensuring that the projects she takes on in the new year align with her identity “as a Black woman, as an African woman, as a mother, as someone who has lived a [rebuilding] season and is now trying to live boldly and entirely as themselves.” But, I was shocked by how much of her business planning also prioritized rest.
Despite the bestselling book, a self-titled podcast, and working with numerous corporations, Walters said she’s been taking Fridays off. This year, she doesn’t want to work on Mondays, either.
“A lot of us think we work hard until retirement hits. I want to progress towards retirement,” she said, noting that she’ll check in with herself around March to see how successful this plan has been. The goal, Walters said, is to only be working on Tuesdays and Thursdays by sometime in 2025. “It is intentionally building out what I know I would like to have happen and not waiting for exhaustion to be the trigger of change.”
"A lot of us think we work hard until retirement hits. I want to progress towards retirement... It is intentionally building out what I know I would like to happen and not waiting for exhaustion to be the trigger of change."
Walters said the decision to progressively work less was partially in response to her previously held notions about her career, especially as an entrepreneur. “When I first started, I thought burnout was a part of it,” she said. “What I didn’t realize is that even if you’re able to bounce out of burnout or get back to it, there’s a cumulative impact on your body. If you think of your body as a tree and every time you go through burnout, you are taking a hack out of your trunk, yes, that trunk will heal over, and the tree will continue to grow, but it doesn't mean that you don’t have a weakened stem.”
But, the desire for increased rest was also in response to the major shifts that occurred three years ago when she was experiencing major changes in her family and realized her metaphorical tree was “bending all the way over.”
Courtesy
“One of the things we have to recognize, especially as Black women, is that there is this engrained, societal, systemic notion that our worth is built around our productivity,” she added. “That is some language that I think is just now starting to really get unpacked.” In recent years, there’s been an increased awareness of achieving balance in life, with Tricia Hersey’s “The Nap Ministry” gaining attention based on the idea that rest, especially for Black women, is a form of resistance. Even online phrases such as “soft life” and “quiet quitting” have hinted at a cultural shift in prioritizing leisure over professional ambition.
"One of the things we have to recognize, especially as Black women, is that there is this engrained, societal, systemic notion that our worth is built around our productivity."
If companies are lining up to consult with Walters about their brands and products, then women have been looking to her for guidance on starting over since she invited them to livestream her resignation 12 years ago. As viewers continue to demand more from content creators in the form of intimate, personal details, Walters has navigated her personal brand with a sense of transparency without oversharing the vulnerable details about her life, especially when it comes to her family.
The entrepreneur said she’d been approached to write a book for several years and was initially convinced she was finally ready to write one about business. “I started to do that, and then I went through my divorce. When that happened, I said, why would I write a book telling people to get the life that I have when I’m not sure about the life that I have,” she said.
Instead, she decided to write Nothing Is Missing and provide a closer look at her life, starting with being born to immigrant Ghanaian parents (“You need to know my childhood to know why I’m passionate about entrepreneurship.”) through the adoption of her three daughters and eventual divorce. Despite her desire to share, however, she said she felt protective of the privacy of her family, including her ex-husband.
When discussing this with me, Walters said she was reminded of a lesson she learned from actress Kerry Washington, who released her own memoir, Thicker Than Water, just a week before Walters’ book release. Washington’s memoir grapples with family secrets, too, specifically the fact that she was conceived using a sperm donor and didn’t learn about it until she was already a successful TV star. While Washington reflects on how the decision and subsequent deception impacted her, she’s also careful to hold space for her parents’ experiences, too. “A lot of things she said was that she had to recognize where she was the supporting character and where she was the main character,” Walter said.
This is something Walter worked to do in Nothing Is Missing when discussing her daughter’s struggles with addiction. “I was very intentional about making sure that I did not reveal more than what was required,” she said. “If I say something about someone’s addiction, I don’t need to go into the list of the substances they used, how they used them, what I found. [I don’t need to] walk into a room and paint a picture of what it looked like for people to understand.”
Walters said some of the most vulnerable moments in the book barely made a ripple once it was released. She was extremely nervous to write about getting an abortion, she said. But no one has asked her about this in the months since the book was released. Instead, people have been more interested in quirkier revelations, such as the fact that she once appeared on Wheel of Fortune.
“I have bared my soul about this thing I went through in my youth that has changed me for people, and people are like, ‘So how heavy was the wheel when you spun it?’” she said, chuckling. “It just goes to show that people never worry about the thing that you worry about.”
With the success of Nothing Is Missing, Walters said she still isn’t planning to release a business book at the moment. But, as she navigates parenting a teenager and two adult children while also navigating a relationship with her new fiancé, Walters said she believes she has at least one or two more books to write about her personal journey. “There is sort of an arc of where my life has gone that I know I’ve got something more to say about this that I think is important, relevant and necessary,” she said.
In just three years, Walters’ life has undergone a major transformation. There’s no telling what the next three years will have in store for her, but it seems likely she’ll retain an inspired audience wherever life takes her.
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It's 2024, and you're ready to get back into the dating scene. Well, you're not alone. According to Jonathan Kirkland, Head of Brand and Marketing of BLK, a popular dating and lifestyle app for the Black community, the day after Christmas through Valentine's Day is considered "peak season" for dating apps. So, whether romance is on your vision board or you just want to date for fun, it's necessary to make your dating profile stand out. If you've used dating apps, then you've probably seen it all. The shady profiles with creepy photos, the lack of info or too much info in the About Me section, and much more. While we know that's not you, you could be making some mistakes that are keeping you from making a connection with a potential love interest.
In an exclusive interview, Jonathan lists 10 dating profile mistakes to avoid in 2024. Read below to kick off your dating journey in a positive way.
Blurry Pictures
Jonathan says blurry pictures are the ultimate no-no. "Pictures are your first representation of yourself on the dating app. So make sure that you have a clear picture, make sure that the picture represents you. If it's a blurry picture, people can't see you. They will see your picture before they read your profile."
Inappropriate Pictures
Next are inappropriate pictures. "Typically, they'll get flagged on dating apps by our moderators, but I mean a torso pic. I mean, even if you have a six-pack, people still want to see your face."
Morsa Images/ Getty Images
Incomplete Biographies
"Another profile mistake; I will say incomplete bios because after people see your pic, if they like it. They want to, you know, get to know a little bit about you," he says.
"If the app gives you as much information to fill out like if you want kids, education, are you a smoker or do you work out, you know, fill out as much as possible because that way that also helps, you know, get you to your match quicker and can alleviate some of that time back and forth. If you know, it's not going to be a match."
Misspellings and Grammar Mistakes
Jonathan recommends that dating app users use spellcheck when writing bios. Grammar mistakes and misspelled words may show that you don't "pay attention to detail, which people probably don't want."
Being Vague About Intentions
While you may be looking for a serious relationship, other people may just be looking for a good time so revealing what you're looking for in your profile will help weed out those who don't match your intentions. "So on BLK we now have, you can select your intention right on your profile. Are you looking for long-term relationship, friends with benefits, friends, you know, things like that?"
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TMI
However, there is such a thing as too much information. "Because then that could be safety and privacy, like you don't want to put your phone number on there. I mean, you might not want to put your Snapchat or Instagram." He continues, "I will say like, keep your different social media separate and not give all your information out on your profile."
Negativity
If you're on dating apps, then you've probably seen a negative profile or two, but don't follow in those footsteps. "Even if you've had bad experiences in dating apps or relationships, you don't take it to the dating app because it's supposed to be a place of hope."
Not Updating Your Profile
Have you dyed your hair or lost weight since creating your dating profile? Then you might want to update it, sis. "I mean, you don't want to misrepresent yourself, like if you got a picture from when you were in high school, probably not the best thing because if you meet somebody in person, you're not going to look the same. People's weights, especially during COVID, have gone up, gone down. So you might want to keep that updated to be in accordance with what's real."
Overuse of Filters
While we love our filters, we want to make sure our pics on our dating profiles match how we look in real life. No catfishing here. "Overuse of filters is definitely a faux pas because, again, it's not representing who you truly are," he says. "We want to be all about authenticity. Like that's why BLK exists because it's like you can be your real self, so with BLK, you don't have to code switch. So, I would say, like the filters and edits, let's not lean into that so much.
Lack of Initiative
Lack of initiative applies to after matching with someone. "Bumble says make the first move. We're not gonna say that, but it's like, I mean, send a message if you already matched, so it's like okay, you both swiped right on each other. Don't wait for the other person to message you first. Just go for it. I mean, all you can lose is just somebody you don't know."
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