7 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Posting ANYTHING On Social Media
If you've ever wondered about the goings on when it comes to social media activity, I've got a little bit of data that you might find interesting. As far as Facebook goes, on average, people log onto the platform about eight times a day. The topic of love drives the most responses (46 percent) and, if you're trying to create a brand, between 9-11pm(EST) is the best time to post stuff. When it comes to Instagram, 95 percent of its users are under the age of 35, a whopping 500 million individuals use Instagram stories on a daily basis and, if you use a handle with your post, there's a 56 percent chance that you'll get a lot more engagement. On Twitter, there are 500 million tweets that are sent every day, 12 percent of people use Twitter as their main news source and, if you post with an image, there's a 150 percent increased chance that what you said will get retweeted (if you use a hashtag, there's a 69 percent increase of you getting a RT too). Pinterest ain't nothin' to dismiss either. 50 percent of millennials use it quite a bit, they spend about 14 minutes every time that they do and, 87 percent of people who buy a product, do so because of something that they saw on the site.
What all of this boils down to is social media has the kind of impact and influence that packs a pretty powerful punch. That's why, it's really important that, whether you are using it for personal or professional reasons, you are careful with and intentional about what you say. Because, just like you can never really take back the words that you speak once you say them, you can never fully take back the words that you write on your social media platforms once you write them.
Which is why it's always a good idea to take a moment to ask yourself the following seven questions before logging onto your accounts every day.
1. Are You Aware That NOTHING Is Ever Really Deleted?
Just recently, I changed my cell phone number. The reason why is because I have a landline and, honestly, I'm even picky about who gets those digits. But my cell phone is really more for the purpose of calling out while I'm out, so it's not uncommon for me to block my number when I hit someone up. Recently though, while catching up with an ex (per his request), even though I blocked my number while giving him a ring, when we accidentally got connected, he hit me back. When I asked him how he was able to do that, he said, "It's weird. Your number didn't show up when you called me, but it just did when I tried to call you back." Yeah, I changed my number the next day, but the reason why I'm sharing all of this is because it's a reminder that while you think technology is doing one thing, oftentimes, it's doing something else.
If you're someone who "posts off the cuff" or worse, has "trigger fingers" and, in your mind, you think that it's not a problem because you can simply delete what you said—yeeeeah…you might want to rethink that. With articles like "Facebook launches 'clear history' tool – but it won't delete anything", "Why Your Data Will Never Be Deleted" and "The story behind 'nothing ever gets deleted from the internet'" that are out in cyberspace to remind us that cookies, caches and screenshots make it pretty much impossible for data to be completely erased, it's important that, when it comes to whatever you share, you always approach your post like it is written in pen, not pencil.
2. Are You Cool with Your Boss (or Prospective Boss) Seeing It?
We're living in some pretty interesting times; times when keeping—or getting—a job is more important than ever. That said, one thing that can cause you to get a pink slip or a "Don't call us, we'll call you" response from prospective employer is how you act on your social media accounts.
In fact, one article I read said that more than half of employers have taken a pass on a potential employee simply because of something that they saw on that individual's social media. Not only that but, 48 percent of employers do "check ins" on the people who work for them, via their Facebook, Twitter and Instagram pages.
I grew up in a house where, once I became a sophomore in high school, I was able to have a phone in my bedroom. Still, my mom was on some, "I'm paying for it, so I can pick it up at any time." (And she would.) It's called monitoring. Yes, your social media accounts are yours. But if you think that your employers aren't monitoring you too, you are sadly mistaken. Post wisely. It could cost you, very dearly, if you don't.
3. Are You About to Post Something That Is Truly Beneficial?
Let me be clear. There are a lot of ways to benefit someone via what you post. The reason why I think it's important to make that distinction is because, I'm not saying that you should only post what you think others will like or agree with; no one really grows that way. All I'm saying is it's always a good idea to keep words like "helpful", "advantageous" and "constructive" in mind, whether you're sharing your opinion, an article, a resource or anything else.
Some folks on social media are nothing more than toxic gaslighters and drama starters. That helps absolutely no one. Meanwhile, some folks do nothing but pedestal themselves; I'm not really sure how that is advantageous for others either. But if what you're seeking to do is make people think, to share something that will inform or challenge them (in a good way) or point them to something that will help them to become their own best self—that is only to their benefit. That is something that is worth making the time to make a post about. Do it.
4. If You Just Got Triggered, Did You Take 5-10 Minutes to Process Your Response?
Although I'm personally not on any social media platform, when I tiptoe out into Twitter World to see what folks are talking about, I'll tell you what—all I have to do is put "Black women" or "Black men" in the search field (because those are two topics that interest me a lot) and I will see the walking definition of triggered, each and every time. Sometimes, people are so quick to "clapback" at what someone else has said that I say to myself, "I wonder if they took a moment to think about what they just said and who might see it". Because, again, nothing on the internet is ever really deleted. Not too long ago, when I wrote the article, "Should You Really Not Care About What Other People Think?", I shared that there are some people whose insights (even on us) we should care about. But trolls and people who don't invest in our lives whatsoever? Why even give them the power to get all stressed out and frazzled?
There are some individuals I know who are always stirring up stuff online because that's how they are offline as well. It's like being combative and a know-it-all are their love languages or something. But spending—or is it wasting?—precious time that you'll never get back letting people piss you off and then going back and forth with them—is it really worth it? If you're like some folks and you're constantly looking for a fight—hey, have at it…I guess. But if you're not, I promise you that taking out some time to deep breathe and process before replying to someone who triggers you could, quite possibly, change your approach in how you respond or…bring you to the conclusion that they don't deserve one at all.
5. Are You About to Totally Contradict Yourself?
Folks are a trip. Whenever I see a headline about someone who said something 10 years ago that gets everyone in cyberspace all up in a tizzy, 7 times out of 10, what I tend to be like is, "Wow. So, a person can't evolve in an entire decade?" If all of us were only held to what we said or did when we were 10 years younger, I'd venture to say that most of us would have days when we wouldn't want to come out of the house. But that's what growth and evolution are all about.
Unfortunately, social media isn't nearly as empathetic to this point, let alone forgiving. So, another thing to ask yourself is if you are about to post something that totally contradicts something else that you have already said. Hey, I'm not saying that if that is indeed the case that you should say nothing at all. All I'm saying is if one day, you've got one perspective and, three months later, that perspective has changed (even a little bit), don't be shocked in the least if someone is more than happy to pull up the receipts that you have changed your mind as they challenge you on it. It happens ALL of the time. Just ask that so-called president of ours.
6. Are You Aware That a Publication Could Possibly Pick “It” Up?
I ain't gonna name no names, but there are certain websites out here that, quite frankly, I don't think would exist if they weren't constantly going to Black Twitter for content. And who's getting paid for what they write? Them not the original creator of the content. That's why I think it's so important for folks to read articles like "Social Media's New Intellectual Property Challenges" and "Intellectual Property Law in the Age of Social Media" because, while social media can be hella convenient, don't think that you're not the media's—and data collectors'—dream when it comes to content that they can draw from.
A woman by the name of Erin Bury once said, "Don't say anything online that you wouldn't want plastered on a billboard with your face on it." Indeed. I'll add to that and say, "Also, don't post anything that could end up making a company thousands of dollars and you nothing if revenue for your pure genius is what you're ultimately after."
Intellectual property is something that a lot of people don't know nearly enough about; especially when it comes to what they put online. It can only benefit you to do a little research before you start hacking away on your own social media accounts. Never say that a sistah didn't warn you.
7. Why Are You Posting What You’re About to Post?
A woman by the name of Adrie Peterson once said, "If you can't say it to their face, don't post it." Say a word, say a word. One day, we'll have to get into all of the ridiculous passive aggressiveness that happens on social media that is actually pretty toxic behavior. So, why do a lot of people do it? Personally, I think that it is cowardly behavior. They don't have the balls to approach someone directly so they will be vague online. It's a twisted motive.
I think this is a good place to end this particular piece. Motive speaks to what causes us to do the things that we do, along with what we are looking to get out of it. Before you make your very next online post, take a moment to really ponder what your underlying reason is. Is it to encourage others? It is to draw attention to yourself? Is it to "start something" with some random person? Is it to give others something to think about? Is it because you can't seem to go a day without saying something? The reasons can run the gamut. All I'm advising is to be clear on what your true agenda is. If you do that, whatever reactions you receive afterwards, you will be better prepared for, all because you know why you are doing what you do. Be wise out in cyberspace, y'all. It's literally a world—and jungle—of its own.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Honestly, I don’t know if it will surprise y’all or not to know that a few years back, Vice published an article entitled, “Women Get Bored in Bed Faster Than Men.” When it comes to the clients I work with, what I will say is men tend to underestimate how creative women can be while women seem to overlook that men fake orgasms just about as much as they do. My grand takeaway from all of this? Folks need to be intentional when it comes to keeping the spice alive in their sex life; especially if they’re in a long-term relationship.
That’s why, when one couple came to me and asked what was something that they could do to light the fire (pun intended) in their own bedroom, the first thing that I asked was if they had ever tried wax play before. You should’ve seen the expression on their faces. LOL.
When it comes to things like that, I think that it’s still taboo for some, simply because they’ve only seen it on a movie screen or heard about it in true extreme sexual contexts — and so, they don’t think that it’s something that is “for them” when, the reality is, with the right tips in tow, wax play can be for pretty much anyone…and everyone.
So today, let’s add something new to some of y’all’s boudoir list of activities. Here are 10 things that will, hopefully, help you to see the flames of wax play (I’ve got puns all over the place today) in a whole new light.
1. Anticipation Does Wonders for Sexual Arousal
GiphyI once read an article by a mental health expert who said that anticipation is probably the greatest aphrodisiac of all. It builds excitement. It fuels curiosity. At the end of the day, it’s like a mental form of edging because you’re getting close to something that you look forward to — although you’re not quite there yet. Listen, he’s not off base because even science says that anticipation can give you a dopamine hit that can ultimately improve your sexual experiences.
Keeping this point in mind, how can watching hot wax drip from a candle and head toward your body not fuel some level of anticipation? Especially if it’s your first few times trying it? A woman by the name of Ana Monnar once said, “Anticipation is sometimes more exciting than actual events.” Just something to consider, when it comes to entertaining bringing wax play into your world, my dear.
2. Wax Play Is Peak-Level Foreplay
GiphyWe all know what foreplay is, right? Just to be sure that we’re all on the same page, a very basic definition is it’s something that typically happens right before sex in order to arouse the people who are about to have it. And since foreplay is pretty much the prelude to copulation, it’s important that “the appetizer” is damn near as good as the “main course.” Wax play can help to ensure that because, aside from what I just said about anticipation, it can also help you and your partner tap into your more sensual and seductive sides. It’s hot. It requires being mindful. And since so much give and take is involved, it requires both people to be very into the moment. Lawd. Wax play is sexy to even just think about!
3. Temperature Pleasure Is Lots of Fun
GiphyOkay, say that you’ve never played with wax (in this way) before. Have you ever incorporated ice cubes? I ain’t gonna let y’all get ALL up in my business, so…let me just say (for now) that some ice during oral sex ain’t neva hurt nobody…quite the contrary! There’s something about the unexpected cool that mixes around with the warmth of a mouth that is truly unmatched. Along these same lines, wax play brings in the heat and, what makes temperature pleasure/play so awesome is, that it uses the sensations of different temperatures to bring out different forms of stimulation.
Another thing that’s worth noting about temperature pleasure is if you’re someone who considers yourself to be on the sexually conservative side yet you do like this type of activity, whether you realize it or not, you’re low-key participating in a form of kink (yep!). This brings me to my next point.
4. Wax Play Is an Introduction to Kink
GiphyIt’s kind of interesting how some people clam up at the thought of a (sexual) kink when the reality is, at the end of the day, it’s about having a certain type of sexual experience (as opposed to a fetish that focuses on objects or body parts; like a foot fetish, for example). So, if it’s that simple, why does it intimidate a lot of folks? Well, kinks tend to delve into people’s fantasies or unconventional ways of thinking (like BDSM or voyeurism).
At the same time, the cool thing about kinks is you control how deep you want to go. Just know that if you do participate in wax play, there’s no point in turning up your nose to the whole kink thing; wax play technically qualifies.
5. Soy Does One Thing. Paraffin Does Another.
GiphyOkay, so let’s spend a couple of moments talking about the things that you need to get the most out of your wax play experience. First, please don’t be out here imitating movies. While they will have you believing that you should pull a taper candle from your dining room table and go ham with it, it’s best to go with massage candles; they are specifically designed for wax play and body massages (The Knot has a recommendation list here and Women’s Health has a list of their own here).
When it comes to candles, in general, I’m always a fan of soy because they burn cleaner and last longer. However, when it comes to wax play, two other reasons why soy is best is it’s natural and “burns lower;” this simply means that once the wax hits your body, it won’t be as hot as, say, paraffin wax will (because it has a higher burning point).
What all of this means is if you want a more comfortable experience, go with a soy (or even a shea butter or beeswax) candle. If you want to play with the big (wax play) kids, try paraffin.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if you can never use “regular” candles — I mean, it’s your body. All I’m saying is some candles are designed for wax play; birthday candles? They are not. Feel me?
6. Massage Candles Feel Incredible on Your Muscles and Joints
GiphySo, here’s the thing about massage candles: If you’ve ever had a professional massage before, your massage therapist may have used them. And if you’ve gotten a high-end mani/pedi, some paraffin wax may have come into play (no pun intended). That’s because the wax from both types of candles has health benefits that include relaxing muscles, improving joint mobility, and increasing blood flow throughout the body. And when you factor in the fact that the better you physically feel before sex, the better sex will be during it — isn’t that just one more plus for and perk of wax play? I definitely think so.
7. The Aromatherapy Is Incomparable
GiphySomething else that’s awesome about most massage candles is they have a wonderfully alluring scent to them, by design. Yes, that matters too because there is plenty of data out here to support the fact that aromatherapy does everything from reduce stress and relieve bodily discomfort to treat headaches and fight off infections (word on the street is that it may even help with menstrual cramps and menopause).
As far as your sex life goes, aromatherapy is supreme because certain essential oils double up as aphrodisiacs. Lavender, neroli, and rose are proven to improve your sexual function. Geranium reduces anxiety. And listen, if climaxing is your ultimate goal, check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm” and then look for massage oils that smell like, say, vanilla, saffron or jasmine. Bottom line, a good massage candle that smells amazing is going to be worth every cent that you spent to purchase it.
8. You Will Learn Communication (and Dirty Talk) on a Whole ‘Nother Level
GiphyOne of the reasons why I once penned, “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” for the platform is because, if there’s one thing that I think is so awesome about sex, is it finds a way to incorporate all five of your senses (sight, touch, taste, sound and hearing) as well as your top love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gifts — if you’re open to it).
And when it comes to hearing (and words of affirmation), this is another area where wax play can be a winner because, as you’re learning what works for your partner and they learn what works for you, words have to be exchanged… perhaps even dirty ones.
And why is dirty talk so damn effective? According to scientific research, it has the ability to activate your entire brain (the biggest sex organ that you have) and when this is going on while you’re being physically stimulated — chile, the sky truly is the limit!
9. Wax Play Is Completely Customizable
GiphyYou know back when I was talking about soy candles vs. paraffin ones? Something that I didn’t mention, by design at the time, is that, although I will forever be Team Massage Candles when it comes to this particular topic, there are some known as wax play candles too. What’s the difference? Wax play candles tend to remain pretty hard (after being lit up) while massage candles are designed to melt into a liquid that you can massage on your partner’s body.
Why am I bringing this all up now? Well, it’s to serve as a reminder that wax play can be “dialed up” or “turned down” based on what you want to do. If you just want to put a twist on a massage, you can do that. If you’d like to test your partner’s tolerance level by applying more heat for longer, do that.
Just make sure that you use the kind of wax that doesn’t fully melt on shaved areas of the body (pretty sure why is self-explanatory), that you moisturize your skin beforehand (it’s easier to remove the wax…or whatever is leftover) that way and that you pour around 15-20 inches away from your partner’s body; that gives it time to cool somewhat on the way down. Oh, and if you don’t want to jack up your sheets, you might want to lay down a protective drop cloth (like this one here).
10. It Sure As Hell Ain’t Boring
Season 1 Friends GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyLast point — and it brings all of this full circle. Now that you’ve read all of the ways that wax play can benefit your sex life, how in the world could you associate it with “boring” on any level? Anything that can get you hype, cultivate eagerness, and enhance what you’ve already got going on…that is worth putting on your sex bucket list and trying at least one time, wouldn’t you say? And why can’t that time be…TONIGHT? Shoot your man a pick of a massage candle with a heart and watch him beat you home.
Then report back (with edits…LOL).
Something tells me that you’ll become a wax play fan — SOON.
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