"More men should get their bootyhole played with." That's a word to a good friend during a candid girl talk. And though the language is probably not the best for introducing your partner to the idea of giving him a prostate massage, as a cishet woman, I have also come to realize it's sometimes our own colonial ideas around masculinity that keep us from opening the floor for discussions around acts such as giving prostate massages. Or, in some cases, what makes it a difficult topic for men to broach within their partnerships.
For everything men are open to trying during sex, it's very rarely "butt stuff", especially when it comes to their own anus or that vicinity. Despite the fact that their version of the G-spot, called the P-spot, is located in their anus, the approach that most men take is: so what if the prostate massage is the golden gate that unlocks potentially better orgasms?
But I imagine that there are more than enough men who have expressed (whether internally or externally) some curiosity along with their uncertainty, whether it be through sharing fantasies or not totally shutting down when put on the table. At least that it what I have found in my observations during my brief time as a sex educator. I've also noticed that when Black and brown men reach a certain tax bracket, they are less afraid to express fantasies and desires that might otherwise stray from the typical ideals of masculinity. Which makes sense (but is also a different topic for a different day). Nevertheless, where's the fun in life if we're waiting to become the next 50 Cent before we begin to explore our sexuality through new experiences?
So, the only question that remains is, how do you put all your cards on the table while providing a comfortable and safe space for introducing the topic and act of prostate massages?
We spoke with Sex and Pleasure Educator, Luna Matatas for the specifics on prostate massages for Black and brown men who in many instances hold hegemonic views regarding their masculinity and thus their sexuality. While a guide like this might normally dive right in and give you the steps to the actual massage, any sex educator will tell you the communication and consent around any act is the very first step in all actuality. You want to create a safe space because men are deserving of that respect. And ladies, from our own experiences, we know all too well what a difference it makes when comfort and communicativeness are standards held in the bedroom.
Matatas provides a number of ways we can hold space for any and all feelings that might come up while introducing the idea of prostate massages with your partner.
How Can I Introduce A Prostate Massage To My Partner?
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- Talking about prostate pleasure in a way that is curious, exploratory and doesn't have an end goal, like penetration, can be a good way to hold space for any feelings like shame or guilt we have when talking about pleasure.
- Bring up prostate pleasure when talking about other fantasies or sexy things, like G-spots, kissing, massages, sex toys, is a great way to talk about overall erogenous zones on the body. You can talk about ones that are under-explored, like the prostate and erogenous zones that are under-serviced like earlobes and necks or backs. Create a pleasure exploration package of the erogenous zones you might be interested in exploring. Talk about each one in terms of what makes you excited and what makes you anxious or insecure.
- Look at sex toys online together and make a list of the toys you're both curious about using on yourselves and each other.
- Be upfront, own your uneasiness — we ALL have uneasiness around aspects of sex — body shame, performance anxiety, guilty fantasies. Putting it out there can be an opportunity for a partner to be empathetic, reassuring and share their own uneasiness.
- Playing with knuckles and massaging the perineum is a great way to give a gentle massage to the prostate without penetration. This can be done while pleasure is happening to other parts of the body like the penis or testicles.
- Last but not least, for the men who might be reading along, playing with your prostate on your own during masturbation is also a great way to get comfortable with what your body does during prostate pleasure, what pressure or stimulation feels good and what doesn't.
How To: Your Ultimate Guide To Giving Someone A Prostate Massage
Now that all the formalities are out the way, let's get into how to give a prostate massage. All of our teenage lives we mastered the art of handjobs and as young adults we've all but been trained up for the blowjob olympics. So how do we weave all of the gems dropped here to deliver on a fire ass (no pun intended) prostate massage? Step by step, Luna Matatas breaks it down for us, here:
Step 1: Get into a comfortable position - try lying on your stomach with a pillow under your pelvis. If you want to be able to watch your partner, lie on your back and prop up your pelvis with a pillow to give a better angle.
Step 2: Stimulate the butthole first - warm up the external nerve endings to relax the anus and the person
Step 3: Go slow, use lots of lube and check in with each other - faster, slower? Harder, softer?
Step 4: Add pleasure to parts of the body that you know enjoy stimulation. (Not all penises get erect during prostate pleasure and not all prostate massages result in ejaculation. It's OK to just enjoy the relaxing sensation, a new way to explore pleasure or prostate play on the way to other types of sexy things.)
Step 5: Use lube and massage the butthole with your thumb or knuckles as if you were pressing it like a doorbell, no pressure to penetrate at this point.
Step 6: When your partner is ready, you can gently slide the tip of the finger in at an angle towards the front of the body (towards the belly button). Straight up penetration can feel jarring, so we want to creep into the butthole from the bottom and then inwards. Picture having your thumb against the butthole and gently bending it inwards with lots of lube.
Step 7: Once inside, you can circle the anal canal gently, check in with your partner, add more lube.
Step 8: Then start to bend your finger towards the anterior part of the anus (think about heading towards the back of the testicles) and gently massage back and forth or in circles until you find an area that feels more sensitive for your partner. For your finger, it might feel firmer. Curve your finger tip towards the front of the body and increase pressure to find the right spot.
Step 9: Prostates like firm and continuous pleasure, so try circles, swiping side to side or light tapping — all in small movements and see which one your partner's body enjoys. Experiment with speed, slow it down and pair it with eye contact, dirty talk or using your other hand to add pleasure somewhere else if that feels good.
The Best Lube For Prostate Massages
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Once you've had the dialogue and consent has been provided, you want to put more emphasis on the physical comfort. This is where ensuring that you and your partner are using lubricant comes in.
If you've ever tried anal play without lube, you're well aware that it can be easy to write it off afterwards (understandably so). Anal play without lube can cause the skin to break or tear. And to this Matatas further elaborates by explaining, "The anus isn't self-lubricating, like the vagina, so lube is a must." If you're normal, you might feel overwhelmed by the world of lube readily available on the shelves of the internet (without the guidance of a salesperson), but don't worry Matatas has you covered there as well. She adds, "You want to use a thick and long-lasting lube; silicone lubes are great and so are thick water-based lubes. Don't forget to re-apply during penetration, sometimes we lubricate at the start, but forget to re-apply once we get going! Using lube creates a silky smooth texture in the rectum that makes penetration more pleasureable and less likely to cause damage to the anal tissue."
Now, should you be using toys at any point during the prostate massage, Luna recommends using a water-based lube for silicone toys. However, "If they have a favorite silicone toy and like silicone lube, throw a condom on the toy." I will also add that if you're planning on taking this to the shower at any point, water lube should be switched out for a silicone lube.
Sex Toys For Prostate Massages
If you are, in fact, looking to incorporate toys into the prostate massage that you're providing, according to Matatas, "Check out prostate sex toys — with or without vibration, they are shaped in a way that makes it easy for you or a partner to reach the prostate."
In fact, this might actually be a nice change of pace as she further states, "Prostates also like firm and continuous stimulation - and sometimes fingers can't provide enough firmness or they get tired." Matatas adds, "Smaller, smooth, rounded tip butt plugs with flared bases are great for anyone who is just started to explore anal penetration and can help train the anus to take penetration more easily over time. You can put in a butt plug while your partner is doing other sexy things you already are familiar with like oral or kissing, and this will warm up the anus for more direct prostate play later on."
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Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
Credits
Director of Content: Jasmine Grant
Campaign Manager: Chantal Gainous
Managing Editor: Sheriden Garrett
Creative Director/Executive Producer: Tracey Woods
Cover Designer: Tierra Taylor
Photographer: Ally Green
Photo Assistant: Avery Mulally
Digital Tech: Kim Tran
Video by Third and Sunset
DP & Editor: Sam Akinyele
2nd Camera: Skylar Smith
Camera Assistant: Charles Belcher
Stylist: Casey Billingsley
Hairstylist: DaVonte Blanton
Makeup Artist: Drini Marie
Production Assistants: Gade De Santana, Apu Gomes
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So, if you’re single and ready to mingle, here are a few helpful tips on how to have the best hot girl summer possible.
Start with self-care.
It's no secret that confidence is key when it comes to having a good time. Before you start swiping on dating apps or heading to the bar scene, take some time to indulge in self-care. Get a new haircut, buy a new outfit, and pamper yourself with a spa day. Having a fresh look and feeling good about yourself will boost your confidence and make you feel unstoppable.
Protect yourself and your partner.
Hot girl summer is all about having fun, but safety must come first. Before engaging in any sexual activity, make sure you and your partner use protection, whether it's a condom or other methods. Keep in mind STDs can still spread even with precautions, so it's important to get regular STD testing, especially if you're seeing multiple partners.
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Set boundaries and don't compromise.
It's common for women to feel pressured to do things they're not comfortable with during casual sex. In a hot girl summer, it's essential to set clear boundaries and not compromise on what makes you comfortable. If your partner doesn't respect your limits, then it's a sign they're not worth your time.
Be open-minded and explore.
If you want to spice up your summer, try exploring new sexual experiences and positions with your partner(s). For inspiration on what sex positions to try, check out articles on our site like this, this, and this. However, it's always important to make sure you're both on the same page and comfortable with what you're doing. Consent is key.
MoMo Productions/Getty Images
Date like it's your job.
With summer in full swing, dating becomes easier, and more people are open to meeting new individuals. Take advantage of this opportunity and start swiping on dating apps, or if you're more traditional, head to the bars or local events. It's important to remember that dating isn't about finding someone to settle down with; it's about having fun experiences and meeting new people.
Be honest about what you want.
Be honest with yourself. If you want a serious relationship, seek it out, but if you want to go on a casual date, go on a casual date. Hot girl summers mean doing whatever it is you want to do and not settling. Just be sure to communicate and be honest about who you are and what you’re looking for.
It's all about having fun, enjoying yourself, and exploring your sexuality. But it's crucial to remember that safety comes first. Use protection, get regular STD testing, set boundaries, and don't compromise. Be open-minded and explore new sexual experiences, but never forget to prioritize your comfort level, and don't let anyone pressure you into doing things you're not comfortable with. With these tips and tricks, you'll surely have the best hot girl summer yet.
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