Are You Ready To Up Your Phone Sex Game, Sis?
Whether you're in a long-distance relationship or you're just looking for a way to spice things up with your man, something that I think you should never underestimate is what a good, long and sexy round of phone sex can do for you and yours. While I already know that it's oftentimes seen as some wack-ass, bootleg consolation prize, I personally think that's just because there isn't enough forethought and prepping that is put into it. Hopefully, though, after reading these 12 suggestions, not only will you see phone sex in a whole new light—you'll be excited about having a few session with your boo thang, just as soon as you possibly can.
1. Download the Right Sexting Apps
Before getting into all of the ways to make phone sex better, I'm thinking that you're probably most concerned that what you say (and do) remains between you and your partner. Noted. That's where certain sex apps come in. Dust is a sexting app that literally turns everything that transpired to "dust" after 24 hours. If you want to send some screenshots, Confide will "gray out" any of the ones that might be shared with someone other than the originally intended individual. We-Connect is cool because you can connect vibration sensations to your sexts. LokLok is great because you can actually scribble messages to your partner to give a more personalized effect (which is great when it comes to foreplay or afterplay). Wickr isn't exactly a sexting app; still, it's really secure when it comes to sending photos and videos. Bottom line, these are some popular apps that can put your mind more at ease, as far as confidentiality is concerned.
2. Send Each Other a Phone Sex Gift Pack Ahead of Time
Now that you can feel more confident that, whatever you and yours are game for while being on the phone, no one else will have to know about it, it's now time to get into some tips on things that you can do that will help to create the mood. Let's start with making a sex gift pack, shall we? This is something that both of you can customize and then send to each other.
If you're totally down yet you're not sure what yours should include, I've got a few ideas: lubricant; sexy underwear; the perfume (or essential oil) that he likes to smell on you; a handwritten note that consists of some of the things that you want to do to him; a phone grip (so that he can either hold his phone with one hand or not at all); a voice-controlled vibrating egg or cock ring; some satin sheets; a blindfold; some champagne (or a bottle of whatever their favorite liquor is and, some chocolate sauce (or whatever their favorite sexual condiment is).
How can someone not get excited at the sight of receiving items like this, chile?
3. Set the Stage
Whether or not you plan on video chatting, you still should set the stage/scene for some erotic romance. Turn off your overhead lighting and either light some scented soy candles (jasmine, lavender, vanilla, rose, patchouli, cinnamon and nutmeg can all help to get you in the mood) or install a colored LED light bulb (blue, purple and red are really sexy). Get yourself a sex pillow; it can make getting into certain positions, so much easier. If you want to play some soft and sexy music in the background, do that. Shoot, some people like to have phone sex while soaking in the bathtub. Others prefer to roll around on the floor. The key is to create the kind of atmosphere that makes you want to have sex while encouraging your partner to do the same.
4. Dress Up
I won't lie. About half of the men that I know, whenever the topic of lingerie comes up, they tend to shrug their shoulders and be like, "I prefer you just get naked." About another 30 percent say that they like to see their lady in it, with or without sex happening. Then there's the other 20 percent (a lot of them are husbands) who say that lingerie is like the gift wrap that's around a present. Personally, I like lingerie, even just for me, because it makes me feel sexy, sensual and super seductive, especially when I get something that feels really soft on my skin, that's in a color that I like, that accentuates my favorite parts of my own body. Anyway, whether your man likes lingerie or not, whether you plan on getting on video or not, phone sex should be treated like a special occasion. Dress up for yourself, if no one else. It has a way of putting you into a headspace that is sexually unmatched.
5. Bring in Some, Umm, Sound Effects
This might be a "something new" for some of you. Have you ever heard of auralism? Some people consider it to be a sexual fetish. Personally, because it literally means that you're turned on by sound, I just think it's something that takes arousal up a few notches while encouraging us to tap into all of our senses (sight, sound, taste, touch, hearing). Anyway, when you're physically with your partner, auralism is a reminder that while some people might prefer "silent sex", most of us do not. Use your "dirty" words. Moan. Apply more lubrication, so that you can hear the sounds of wet movement. Don't be shy about the sounds that are made during oral sex. Let loose. It's hot.
During phone sex, you can mimic some things that create certain sounds. Take oral sex, for instance. If you want to act like you are literally performing fellatio, get a popsicle in your favorite flavor. All of that slurping will be sure to turn both you and him on. See what I mean?
6. Watch Your Tone
Although A Different World continues to be one of my all-time favorite shows and I actually own a shirt with a picture of Dwayne and Whitley on it, something that I always wondered was how Dwayne could put up with Whitley's voice. Lawd. Especially in a sexual setting. That said, there's a guy from my past who, while the sex was definitely something special, it was his voice that totally did me in. Matter of fact, when we caught up on the phone a few years ago, I had to cross my legs, a few times, because of just how good his voice sounded through my smartphone.
Yeah, something that is totally underestimated when it comes to giving good phone sex is one's tone of voice. How impacting is it? One of my male friends was just telling me about a woman he's been considering seeing beyond something casual. The interesting thing is, although he's not over-the-moon attracted to her on the physical tip, he can't seem to shake her voice. In fact, her voice has "made his nature rise" (lawd, who invented that saying?), on a few occasions. Enough to make him want to learn—and experience—more. So yeah, there go three examples of why focusing on your tone—as he does the same—during phone sex is semi-crucial.
Sit up straight. Breathe in deeply. Speak slowly. Control your volume. Moan more. Whisper at times. Smile while speaking. Believe it or not, all of these things can help to make your voice sound more soothing which always works when you're trying to seduce your partner.
7. Ask a Few Questions
Some people struggle with phone sex, simply because they're not sure how to get things started. Like, what do you actually say to get the ball rolling? This is where some pre-game foreplay sexting can come in handy. Hours before, text your partner to let them know, just how excited you are about what is coming later on. Also, share with them some of the things that you find to be so appealing and alluring about them in the sexual sense. With one of those apps that I mentioned earlier, send a racy pic or message too.
Then, once you both get on the phone to get the party started, you'll both already know what time it is. From there, you can simply ask each other some questions. Forget that, "So, what do you have on?" generalized stuff. How about something like:
- What's your favorite part of my body?
- Where can I touch you to turn you on the most?
- What do I taste like?
- What's your favorite sexual position?
- What's something that we've never done that you'd like to try?
- How do I feel when I cum?
- What's your favorite part of me going down on you?
- What do you wish we'd do more often?
- What do you wish I was doing to you, right this second?
- How hard are you?
Between your questions and his answers, trust me, the self-consciousness that you might initially feel will soon be consumed by how turned on you both end up getting.
8. Take a Walk Down Memory Lane
First up, did you know that the more sex you have, the better your memory tends to be? The reason why is a bit complex; however, in a weird way, it confirms why this next point should be incorporated. I've mentioned before that a past sex partner of mine says that he firmly believes in what he calls "sex memory"; that there are certain times of the year when he will crave certain women because 1) that was the time of year when he started having sex with them and 2) the sex was so good that it impacted him long-term. I thought he was being ridiculous until I thought about my own sex memory and indeed, there are certain months when I'll be like, "I wonder how so-and-so is doing" which will follow some sort of memory of a sexual encounter that we had.
Now, if a past partner can have this effect, imagine what recalling some of your favorite sexual experiences with your current boo can do. Be direct. Be specific. Set the scene of where you were, how you felt and the parts of the encounter that were your absolute favorite. Sometimes, it's remembering the past that can ensure that you will thoroughly enjoy the present.
9. Share Some Sexual Fantasies
Some of y'all probably remember when Darius Lovehall said in the movie Love Jonesthat when people say that romance is dead, what they are really saying is that they've exhausted the possibilities. Say that. SAY. THAT. When you really stop to think about the fact that all men basically have the same equipment and we as women do too, whenever couples talk about how bored they are, if they wonder what it would be like to be with someone new, oftentimes it all stems from a lack of imagination and creativity that's transpiring within their current situation. This is why sharing sexual fantasies can be so important. I mean, think about it. Of course, if you're always in the missionary position in your bedroom at 10 p.m., stuff is gonna get the yawn effect. The "cure" for this is to create your own sex bucket list (check out "This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of 'Sex Bucket List'") and then to share your list with your partner. And when it comes to some good phone sex? That's one of the best times to bring the lists(s) up. Share together. Dream together. Be as graphic as possible. Getting your creative juices stirred up is a great way to get other things to…flowing.
10. Do Video Sometimes. Sometimes Not.
To use video or not to use video. When it comes to phone sex, that is the question. My two cents would be to alternate. Sometimes, when you solely rely on the video feature, it can make you a little lazy when it comes to finding unique ways to turn your partner on. Besides, if you take the sound suggestions that I already mentioned, just hearing each other get aroused can be enough to bring about a few climaxes. Look at it as a challenge. (If you know what I mean.)
11. Play a Lil’ Bit of ‘Simon Says’
I don't know about y'all but blatant directives during sex is kind of a turn-off (to me). When you're physically with your partner, body language, changes in breathing and dirty talk can go a long way without feeling like you're in the military. When you're not together, though, and you're engaging in some good ole' phone sex, a "nasty" version of Simon Says can be the lick (no pun intended). Y'all remember the game Simon Says as a kid, right? One person would give instructions, starting with saying "Simon says" and they would keep doing it until folks got so used to hearing those two words that they would slip in a directive without pre-empting it with the phrase. Whoever did the directive anyway, they lost the game.
Well, in an erotic version of Simon Says, you and your partner can swap out "Simon" with your own name and "says" for "likes". Then, each of you can take turns playing the game the same way. For example, if your name is "Sharon", you can say something like, "Sharon likes it when you stroke yourself". Keep on giving instructions and then if you go without saying "Sharon says" and he still does what you stated, give him a consequence of something that he has to do. Like maybe rub himself down with an ice cube while you watch. Simon Says will never be the same again, chile.
12. TAKE. YOUR. TIME.
One of the best things about phone sex is it truly is all about the art of seduction. It really is about seeing how good you are at turning on your partner, even when you aren't around, as they do the same thing for you. That said, don't try and see this as a "sprint". Instead, treat it more like a marathon. In fact, right along with Simon Says, have a prize for the person who could hold out (from climaxing) the longest. You might look up and realize that phone sex isn't some lame consolation prize. It might end up being one of the absolute favorite things that you and your partner like to do. Whew.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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It's Time To Get Out Of The 'Drama Triangles' In Your Relationships
Although the goal with all of my content is to provide at least one ah-ha or light bulb moment (no matter what the topic may be), there are times when I will learn something and then I can’t wait to share it with my clients and also those who are familiar with my byline — because everything in me knows that it will be life-altering information on some level.
Today? It’s what’s known as the Karpman’s Drama Triangle, and when I tell you that it has the ability to set you free when it comes to some of your personal and professional work dynamics? Chile, you have absolutely no idea.
The backstory is a psychoanalyst by the name of Stephen B. Karpman came up with what is known as Karpman’s Drama Triangle back in the ‘60s and then turned it into a pretty popular book, one that helps to explain the dysfunctional situations that a lot of us find ourselves in — and don’t know how to get ourselves out of.
If that alone has already piqued your interest, grab yourself a cup or glass of your favorite beverage and take a good 15-20 minutes to take this all in. Because if you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired of certain folks or patterns, this might be just what the doctor ordered.
What Is a Drama Triangle All About?
Karpman's Drama Triangle
Okay, so what is a Drama Triangle? According to Karpman’s extensive research, at some point, we all play a role in our relationships with other people, including those we have with ourselves (meaning we can have internal drama triangles). We play the Persecutor, the Victim, or the Rescuer. Okay, but before getting deeper into this, let me briefly explain what each of those roles looks like.
The Persecutor: These are the people who always think that it’s your fault. They have a tendency to blame victims for the decisions that they made and then criticize rescuers for trying to help victims out. The good thing about them is they set boundaries and uphold them. The challenging thing about them is they tend to be highly inflexible to the point where they seem like a bully and low-key controlling at times.
The Victim: This is the individual who is constantly in the “poor me” position. They are really bad at personal accountability; they always think someone is to bail them out of their problems, and they pretty much just let life happen to them as they act like they don’t have any real power over their world and its outcome. This keeps them stagnant as they let the persecutor criticize them, and the rescuer saves them as they do basically…nothing. The good thing is they are gentle in their approach to life; the problem is they are passive as hell.
The Rescuer: Although it probably is pretty self-explanatory, the rescuer is always trying to help the victim. Not only does this cause them to catch heat from the persecutor, but it also makes the victim totally reliant on them to the point where the rescuer oftentimes ignores their own needs, feels totally drained, and ends up becoming the victim’s crutch as they are seen as weak by the persecutor. One of my favorite quotes is by Aristotle: “The excess of a virtue is a vice.” It fits in quite well for the rescuer. The positive thing about a rescuer is they are compassionate; the not-so-good thing is they wouldn’t know a boundary if it ran them over.
What turns these three things into a drama triangle is the fact that Karpman says, oftentimes, we find ourselves moving in and out of these roles, usually without even noticing it. And, we tend to do them in extremes. For instance, when it comes to your overbearing mother, you may be the victim. Yet, in your romantic relationship, you may be the persecutor. On the other hand, when it comes to your boss, you are the rescuer.
The problem with all of these is when you’re in the extreme of any of these three positions, it’s going to cause, well, drama. And honestly, that makes all of the sense in the world when you stop to think about the fact that drama is life moving in extreme ways too.
And since this culture is constantly moving in extremes to the point where I’m not even sure if folks know if something is “dramatic” or not anymore, let me break down some clear signs that you’re dramatic, in drama, or addicted to drama (or dramatic people):
- Dramatic people focus on negativity
- Dramatic people overexaggerate
- Dramatic people are stuck in patterns
- Dramatic people constantly need attention (or to be the center of attention)
- Dramatic people aren’t clear and concise in their communication
- Dramatic people stay in unhealthy relationships
- Dramatic people are always in some ish
Now think about the current state of your relationships, again personally as well as professionally. Are any of them…dramatic right now? If so, what role do you play in all of that?
Are You the Problem in Your Relationships?
GiphyOkay, so say that you realize that you’ve got a problem with being stuck in a counterproductive pattern with a girlfriend because she is always in some sort of unhealthy romantic relationship. She’s the Victim, and you’re the Rescuer. How can you know for sure that you both are in those positions?
Well, aside from the definitions that I already provided for the Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer, some additional traits for the Victim are they like to act helpless about their issues, they complain a lot about things that they can actually change, and they also tend to be quite manipulative because, whatever heart string that they can pull on to get you to invest more time, effort and energy into doing the work that they should do to better themselves, they will gladly do it.
Meanwhile, as the Rescuer, you are almost on-call when it comes to your availability, you’re constantly self-sacrificing, and you tend to do it to the extent where you’re acting more like the mother to a child than a friend. Then you’ve got another friend who is sick of both of y’all’s patterns and so they are constantly berating you two about it. That person would be the Persecutor.
On the other hand, when it comes to your job, you are the Victim while a co-worker is your Persecutor. And what does that look like? Well, you’re the one who is always complaining about how you’re being treated and that you feel overworked and taken for granted, and yet all you do is vent about it.
Meanwhile, the co-worker who’s listening to you is pretty aggressive when it comes to sharing their insights to the point where it almost seems like they’re bullying you to do what they would do. Yet because you’re so passive about this particular part of your life, you keep taking their almost demanding opinions and perspectives. At the same time, there is someone else at your job who feels bad for you, and so they are constantly defending you to the Persecutor and even doing some of your work so that you will feel better; they are the Rescuer here.
Do you see how, in both of these scenarios, nothing is going to get any better so long as things stay so…extreme for all “roles” involved? Without question, the only way that either of these situations is going to change for the better is if the parties involved are willing to recognize the clear role that they play and own it.
So, if any of this triggered you on some level, do some self-introspection: what role are you? Things can’t change until you’re willing, to be honest with yourself about who you are and what you are doing. And yes, I’m speaking from personal experience.
When it comes to one of my friend’s marriages, I know that I used to be the Rescuer. Her husband was so ridiculous, and everyone knew it (that’s not just my opinion; my friend ended up divorcing him, and then all kinds of stories of what folks really thought about him came out). She was the Victim, and he was the Persecutor. After a while, it started to take a real toll on my friendship with her because while she recognized all of the ways that he was controlling and emotionally abusive, she would blame his mom for why he was the way that he was — which created another triangle where he was the Victim, she was the Rescuer, and his mom was the Persecutor.
Yep, it’s easy to have drama triangles that are attached to or interwoven with other ones. SMDH. Anyway, it wasn’t until I was willing to look at the part that I played in the crazy train that I was able to set some boundaries — ones that ultimately ended up protecting and preserving our friendship.
This brings me to my next point.
So, How Do You Break Your Current Drama Triangles?
GiphyIf you were paying close attention to the characteristics of the Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer, you probably noticed that not everything about any of them was all bad. The problem is, again, they were moving in the extreme and that’s how things ended up getting dramatic. So, when it comes to breaking free from drama triangles, what you need to focus on, more than anything, is achieving some sort of balance.
Persecutors need to be less controlling and instead set boundaries while encouraging others to do the same. If the Victim or Rescuer chooses not to, there’s no need to get angry; it’s their life. Persecutors need to achieve balance by focusing on simply honoring their own limits.
Victims need to be honest about where they are and ask for help if they need it. However, they also need to understand that it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to invest more into their life than they are willing to. Balance is about getting support, not looking for a crutch — and definitely not trying to make people feel bad for not wanting to show up for your world more than you do.
Rescuers could stand to learn more about codependency, which, at the end of the day, is having an entire identity around saving other people. To tell you the truth, while it can seem on the surface that Rescuers are good-natured people, some of them like the power of feeling like they saved someone; it’s not always as altruistic as it seems. The ones who want the credit for the help or like to try and create certain outcomes with their help? Those are the ones I’m referring to that could use some humbling.
When it comes to all three of these, after seeing who you are in a particular triangle, honing in on how to “play your position” in a healthier and productive way is how you can break free from the triangle altogether. Make sense?
This Is How to Stay Out of Drama Triangles in the Future
GiphySo, now that you’ve been introduced to drama triangles, have probably seen yourself in at least one of them, and are learning how to get out of your current triangle, you’re probably wondering how to keep yourself from getting caught up in drama triangles in the future.
Good question. For you, I offer another kind of triangle with these three tips:
1. Spot potential drama very early on. There’s someone I know who is always asking from others (almost in an entitled way) and rarely doing for anyone else. Because I change my number like the wind, she doesn’t have my current one. She recently asked someone who has it for it, and they asked me if it was okay to share it. I am so tired of being the Victim’s Persecutor when she talks about all of the fallouts that she has with her rescuers that I told them “no.” When I see her out and about, cool. Yet, always arguing with her about how much she takes advantage of people while she acts like she’s doing nothing wrong? I’ll pass. That’s too much drama for me.
2. See yourself and own it. Again, based on the kind of relationship you’re thinking about, you may be one role consistently, or you might be all three at different times. The key is to know the role that you play and then be hypervigilant about being a less extreme version of it so that you can bring more balance and less drama to the situation.
3. Do what brings balance and peace. Greek author Euripides once said, “The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man.” Author Orison Swett Marden once said, “Work, love, and play are the great balance wheels of man's being.” Film producer Paul Boese once said, “We come into this world head first and go out feet first; in between, it is all a matter of balance.” Finally, writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said, “So divinely is the world organized that every one of us, in our place and time, is in balance with everything else.”
What all of these emphasize is a good life is a balanced one and when you strive to avoid drama while cultivating peace, you are well on your way to a life of balance.
____
Drama triangles. Lawd. We’ve all been in one; hell, more than one. Some of us are in one at this very moment. That’s the bad news. Hopefully, the good news is, that now that you see it for what it is, you can dismantle the ones you’re in and keep yourself from being a part of them in the future.
After all, life’s too short and precious for drama triangles.
Move forward, in straight lines, by achieving balance (and peace)…instead.
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