Paying For Your Own Wedding? Here’s How We Did It
I know, I know. Traditionally, the bride's parents is responsible for paying for the wedding. My family just isn't set up that way. When we decided that we were going to have a wedding, we talked openly and agreed going in that we would be covering all of the expenses, and needed to remember that with each decision.
On top of that, we were new homeowners and also had a traditional Nigerian wedding that pulled from our bank accounts. When we first met with our planner, we gave her a number that we thought would be enough to get what we wanted. She quickly reassured us that with the amount we suggested, we could have a wedding, but it wouldn't be the wedding we wanted.
Talk about a reality check.
We set a number that we were comfortable with spending and tried our hardest to aim for it. But as expected, we exceeded it several months before our big day. Leading up to the wedding, we explored options that felt most like us and didn't conform just because that's what weddings "do" or "have". We also didn't "save" for our wedding prior to deciding to have one, but we quickly created a plan once we decided we were having one. We put money up specifically for those wedding expenses that we knew would come up.
Nate and I both agreed very adamantly that we would not go broke behind a wedding and if we were going to be broke after the wedding, we didn't need to have one.
Weddings are expensive. I don't care how big or small, simple or elaborate you try to make it. Even the small and simple affairs will likely require checks cut in amounts larger than us non-celebrities have ever spent on anything our entire lives. Bigger than any down payment you've ever put on a car. Checks larger than we had to pay to secure the lot for our home. Adding the word "wedding" to anything exponentially drives the price up. Wedding photography, wedding cake, wedding venue, the list goes on. The further along you get in planning, the more expenses start to appear. My biggest fear with having a wedding was that I'd wake up the next day feeling like we had wasted our money. Luckily, we woke up happy as could be reliving how nicely each and every detail came together.
If you are paying for a wedding completely or mostly on your own, plan for it, budget, and pay cash for it all.
When we started planning the wedding, we both set a goal to wake up Sunday morning after the wedding with all of our bills paid and to be completely wedding debt-free. We are happy to say, we stuck to it, held each other accountable, and paid each bill in advance with the money that we had in our joint account. If you and your future spouse are planning a wedding that you all will pay for, here are some ways to take care of it.
1.Decide at the Beginning
Have a serious conversation with your fiance at the beginning of planning and map out what both of you consider as must-haves, nice-to-haves, and can-do-withouts. Must-haves will be different for you both, but need to be agreed upon, such as a great photographer or a plated dinner. These items are worth the money because they're important to you, and will make or break your big day. Nice-to-haves may be an open bar, or uplighting, which may be must-haves for some brides. As time goes on and you see how quickly things add up, you will likely get more flexible on what you "must have".
Can-do-withouts are forgettable items that your guest may not even notice. These include wedding programs or party favors. Formulate a budget based on averages that you receive from your wedding planner, or the vendors you'll be using, and add at least $5,000 to that for last minute expenses that pop up. Because they WILL pop up.
2.Seek Help
Even if you and your fiance are going to be the primary financiers of your wedding, that doesn't mean you won't get help here and there. My second mom was so gracious to volunteer to pay for our wedding cake, and my mom bought my veil. They may not have been the bulk of our expenses, but believe me, a little bit goes a long way to chip away at that total dollar amount. Schedule dinner with your parents, aunts, or whoever you think may be in a position to help and suggest opting out of a wedding gift if they're willing to help with an item the day of.
Explain to them that photos you get to show your grandchildren mean much more to you than a can opener or toaster and you'd be so grateful if they could help. If they agree, when it comes time for payment, let them handle the payment directly with the vendor. This way they're not handing you cash, or having you act as a middle man. For those who do help, be sure and send them sincere thank you cards first. If you want to take it a step further, thank them in your wedding program or your dinner speech.
3.Put Money Up
The deposits are the easy part. The final payments hurt a little different! We opened a joint account so that we could each dump a certain amount of money in there every check, and we used that account to pay for wedding items. If your wedding budget is significant, you'll need to put up much more than $50 every two weeks. Learning how to work, save and budget together to achieve a shared (expensive) goal is great training for marriage! It may cause a few disagreements, but it's better to iron out those details now than after you say "I do".
So, starting with your end target dollar amount (the money you'll need to pay every vendor, plus tip), work backward and see how much you'll have to save monthly between now and your wedding to get there. Then, either divide those monthly savings goals in half or make it proportional to your incomes in order to establish what each of you should be putting away each month.
4.Make Extra Money
So much of the money that I used to pay for our wedding wasn't even money made from my 9-5. It was money that I'd already had sitting thanks to my blog, brand and side hustle. Nate has a corporate job, his own company, and works one day a month at Saks. Best believe he started extending discounts to make a couple extra hundred bucks to go towards the wedding. Weddings are SO stressful, even if money is not a worry. The details alone will break you out in hives. I was SO glad that worrying about finances was not keeping me up at night. It was more so thinking about if the lighting color I chose was going to transform the room to give off the vibe I was hoping for than anything else.
If there is anything you can pick up to make some extra money leading up to the wedding, I encourage you to do it. Whether it be selling the clothes you never wear to a consignment store, to tutoring school kids if you're brainy like that, to simply digging around for freelance gigs in your field, you can, and should, think beyond your paycheck if you need more cash to dump into your wedding account. Worst case scenario? You have a ton of leftover money to buy whatever you want off of your wedding registry once it's all over.
5.Sacrifice
If finding the money you need for a wedding still seems impossible after running all the numbers, it's time to start crossing things out. Go back to your must-haves/nice-to-haves and make some adjustments. Can you only comfortably afford to feed 200 people? If not, shave down your guest count. Do you need to downgrade your bar package from open bar, to beer and wine? Maybe you decide to give up Starbucks and manicures until after the wedding. You'll be amazed by how much money you can save with small changes. Making your bridesmaids bouquets 50% smaller, or re-purposing your centerpieces and tablescapes from the ceremony to the reception to cut down on your floral costs are all options. The more you trim off the top of each expenditure, the more you'll add to your total savings in the long run.
Another way to ensure you're stretching your money as far as it can go is by negotiating with your vendors. More often than not, the original quote you get from a vendor is just a starting point, and you may be able to wiggle their price down. It can feel uncomfortable to negotiate costs at first, since none of us are used to talking that intimately about money with strangers, and I certainly don't ever want you to disrespect a vendors talent by being unrealistic with your pricing, but remember that this is a part of the job for wedding vendors, and you shouldn't feel intimidated. Just remember to stay respectful and kind as you negotiate, and do plenty of research. The more you know and the nicer you are, the more leverage you'll have during negotiations.
6.Be Realistic
And stay that way. If you need to save $50,000 to have the wedding that you want, don't pick a date that's six months away if you'll need twice as long to save that amount of money. When dress shopping, don't even waste your time trying on dresses that are more than what you want to spend. There will absolutely be things that you will want, that you'll have to pass on. I promise you, when it's over, it will NOT matter that you didn't have a decal on your dance floor, or that you didn't leave your wedding in a Rolls Royce. (We Uber'd, by the way.) When your wedding day comes, you'll be so glad that you planned your dream wedding within the budget that you set, rather than within a budget you thought you'd have.
Waking up debt-free your first morning as husband and wife is literally my idea of "happily ever after".
As much money as weddings cost, they're completely doable. Especially now that it's done! If you have any other questions regarding paying for your own wedding, leave them below and I'll be sure and get them answered for you guys!
Originally published on The B Werd
Featured image by Farren Manuel via Courtney's Instagram
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This Couple Almost Let Their 8-Year Age Gap Keep Them From Finding Love With One Another
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
I’m willing to bet that this is not the first time you’ve seen this couple. Dalen Spratt is a television producer, owner of a tailored men's suit line, and creator of Ghost Brothers: Haunted Houseguests, which is currently streaming on Destination America. Stacey Spratt is also a serial entrepreneur, focusing mostly on events and the nonprofit world, and she is the owner of two award-winning craft beer bars called Harlem Hops. But their accolades are not what united them.
The couple met years ago at their alma mater, Clark Atlanta University, when they were still working to create the life they have now, and if you had told them then that they’d eventually tie the knot, the pair probably would’ve laughed in your face.
Today, they’re new parents, flourishing in their careers, and each others’ “teammates.” When desiring love, Dalen recommends not looking to other couples for advice. And Stacey advises staying true to what you want. “Don’t put age or limitations on love and children. If God could do it for me, why can’t he do it for you?”
Here's How We Met.
How did you meet?
Dalen: We met in 2005 when she was advising the Greek sororities and fraternities in college. She was old as hell in college, and I was a young buck (laughs). Everybody had a crush on her, but I didn’t think much of it. Then, in 2007, we were in the same grad school class, but she still wasn’t trying to see me then either. I had to catch her five years ago; I was very patient.
Stacey: Yeah, everybody in our grad school class called him Young, Fresh to Death because he was always dressed in B-school (what CAU affectionately refers to as business major classes), and we’d just wear sweatpants (laughs).
So, I know Dalen was always attracted to you. But what about you? Did your attraction to him develop over time?
Stacey: So 2006-2008 – all the years went by. I don’t think we were really thinking about each other at all back then. Years later, I had an event in Dallas, and I booked him to be a speaker. Then, a few years ago, Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: "If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you." But I still thought he was too young at the time, and he started pulling receipts. Taraji P. Henson was dating someone young at the time, Gabrielle Union–
Dalen: First of all, I didn’t do that. You did that.
Stacey: Okay, I did. I thought he was a cutie pie, but that age thing was on my mind!
"Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: 'If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you.'"
Courtesy
Talk to me about the first date. How did he change your mind?
Stacey: Our first date was at Tin Lizzy's in Atlanta. During that time, he was living in Dallas, so it was long-distance. But he came into town, and we just had a good time. We talked a lot, which we still do. It wasn’t anything fantastic.
Dalen: Don’t downplay our first date.
Then, walk me through your courtship. How did you get to the next level? What was that conversation like?
Stacey: I think he knew at age 43 or 44 I wasn’t playing around. But also, I think it just naturally progressed.
Dalen: Yeah, it just happened naturally. And I’m going to be honest, I don’t think initially either one of us thought it would be as serious as it was. She thought I was too young and I wasn’t ready for marriage, kids, and all that. I think we both thought we were just hanging out. But after spending so much time together, a lot of stuff started happening. Like, she had to have surgery early on. It wasn’t just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That’s why we still don’t have an anniversary date because we never really asked.
"It wasn't just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That's why we still don't have an anniversary date because we never really asked."
What made you want to commit to each other?
Dalen: The moment I knew Stacey was for me was from a phone call. I don’t really like talking on the phone, and I can be really blunt sometimes. But we were talking, and I said, ‘I don’t really feel like talking anymore.’ And she was just like, okay, and hung up. I wasn’t trying to be rude, and she understood that. It sounds bad, but that’s how I knew she just got me. I felt like she could get my random awkward moments, and she does to this day.
Stacey: For me, I liked him as a person. Even when times get rough and tough, I could still like him as a human. He is my best friend. We have time. We laugh until we cry, and it’s just always like that. Even when we get pissed at each other, something happens, and we fix it. Also, how he treats his mother. That’s a momma’s boy, but I’m a daddy’s girl – so I get it. I know how I want to be treated, and I see how he is with her and that’s beautiful.
What are some important lessons you’ve learned about yourself through loving your partner in this relationship?
Dalen: I grew up an only child and she grew up with siblings. So, when you have someone who is used to doing things by themselves, there is definitely a learning curve when you get into a serious relationship. It’s funny now, but it was definitely a process.
Stacey: I agree – definitely the only child thing. There’s times I look at him like, did you ever live with anyone else? That comes from being momma's baby, too. I have to say, my “mother-in-love” spoiled him. But also with Axel (their daughter), that brings another level of patience.
Photo by Paras Griffin/Getty Images
What was the biggest challenge that you had to overcome together?
Dalen: We’ve gone through a lot within the years we’ve been together. We suffered two miscarriages – I’d say that’s the biggest.
Stacey: Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me. I was wondering if I can’t carry [a child] what that looks like for us. We had very real conversations pretty early in our relationship.
"Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me."
What do you fight the most about?
Dalen: Nagging. Stacey nags; she’s a complainer. She’s that momma that will look in a room and just hunt for something to complain about. Like, I’m worried for Axel when she's in high school.
Stacey: It’s because I like things to be in place. He leaves stuff all over the place. I can tell where he’s been in the house because something is left around. So he says I’m nagging – but it’s like, just get your stuff.
What are your love languages?
Dalen: Stacey is gifts all day.
Stacey: *thinks*
Dalen: We’ve talked about this. xoNecole is about to cause problems in our home (laughs).
Stacey: Obviously I love you. *thinks again* It’s words of affirmation.
Dalen: That’s it.
What’s your favorite thing about each other?
Dalen: I’ve always respected her business-mindedness. That may sound superficial, but it’s not because I’ve never been with someone who thinks like me. It’s one of my most treasured things about her. I remember one day, I was just running through ideas with her, and each time Stacey had a suggestion on how I could make it better. It’s just very comforting. She takes whatever I’m doing and elevates it – including me.
Stacey: I love Dalen’s hustle and creativity. He’s been on multiple shows, and he continues to create, produce, and reinvent himself and the product he’s putting out. I love that we can create together and bounce things off each other. Even though we may be in different arenas, there’s nothing he can’t offer me great advice about. I love that drive.
Finally, how did you know it was love?
Dalen: Well – she said it – first. (laughs)
Stacey: And he looked at me and smiled! He didn’t say it back. We were on a trip, out of the country.
Dalen: We were arguing when she said it, and she just threw it out.
Stacey: But we continue to do that. We’ve spent holidays and everything outside of the country.
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2024 Dating Landscape: How Black Singles Are Redefining Dating Norms & Preferences
In 2024, there’s tons of thought and strategy that can go into dating online. While dating apps offer a convenient space to find potential partners, it’s become more complicated by the day to know just how to land a worthwhile match at all. With paywalls, roses, and Super Likes to push past while using dating apps, a common sentiment among singles is: do these apps really want us to find love at all?
Dating hopefuls are taking time to reevaluate their approach to dating as many discussions surrounding online dating are significantly influencing user behavior, particularly among Black singles. According to Jonathan Kirkland, Head of Brand and Marketing for BLK, these conversations shape the thoughts, expectations, and actions of singles and how they engage with dating platforms.
“The Black conversation shapes up the online dating world big time. We’ve seen how discussions around inclusivity, authenticity, and cultural relevance have driven more users to [dating] platforms, where they feel represented and understood,” Kirkland tells xoNecole. “But hey, it's all about personal vibes. Instead of buying into the hype, we're all about our community creating their own stories and shifting the narrative.”
How Online Dating Discourse Shapes Gen Z and Millennial Dating Preferences and Behaviors
Ilka & Franz/Getty Images
Across different age groups, distinct shifts in dating preferences and behaviors have been observed. Kirkland tells us that Gen Z prioritizes authenticity, social awareness, and online connectivity, while Millennials are focused on sharing values, pursuing their aspirations, and authentically representing their cultural identity.
These changes are not only shifting how singles are approaching the app, they’re influencing the flexibility in what was once seen as “non-negotiables" in long-term desires that are now becoming plausible considerations.
In a recent survey conducted by BLK, 100% of Gen Z and Millennials who participated in the study said they'd be open to starting a family with a friend. “It’s like, life's throwing them curveballs, and they're flipping the script on what family means,” Kirkland explains.
“Gen Z sees this whole platonic co-parenting thing as a game-changer for how we do families, making things more flexible and diverse. Millennials say it's all about building up your chosen family and locking down those intentional connections. Times are definitely changing.”
As culture evolves and social norms shift, these findings show that daters across generations are embodying a sense of adaptability in order to create the life they desire and love they deserve. That’s why we’ve tapped BLK’s Johnathan Kirkland to put us onto the 2024 dating trends that will help you win at love.
On the top trends singles can look forward to in the 2024 online dating space:
“One trend is ‘dawn dating,’ where you squeeze in dates before your workday kicks off. This offers a new level of convenience and efficiency,” he explains.
“And since it's an election year, get ready for 'partisan dating.' That's where singles prefer connecting with someone who's vibing on the same political wavelength. And with so many young voters more into the issues rather than the candidates, expect some real deep convos over policy matters.”
“Plus, we’re going to see more of a focus on looking after your mental health while you're dating. Platforms are rolling out initiatives to help you build solid relationships, while also prioritizing your own wellbeing,” he adds.
On the best icebreakers to hit a conversational flow with new matches:
Kirkland says that while breaking the ice can be difficult, one way to break the ice is to throw out questions that show your genuine interest. “Ask about their passions, where they love to travel, or maybe something cool they've experienced culturally lately.”
“It’s also nice to toss in a fun pop culture question, like, ‘So, are you #TeamMegan or #TeamNicki?’ It's all about getting that convo flowing.” he suggests. "BLK recently rolled out new profile prompts in our app last year to help spark these conversations. They're little conversation starters you can display on your profile, written or even voiced, so people can slide into your DMs without any awkwardness.”
On the best practices for users looking to connect with men who have aligned dating goals and avoid hookup culture:
“If you're on the lookout for that long-term love, you know it must be with someone who’s on the same page as you. That's where setting intentions in your profile comes in,” Kirkland shares.
“Be crystal clear about what you're after. And when you're scoping out potential matches, keep an eye out for those little signs that they're ready for something serious, too. Look for hints in their profiles, like if they're talking about their future goals or if your interests and values seem to click. But it's not all about what's written down. When you start chatting, keep it real and open. Lay it all out on the table early on—no beating around the bush.”
"Be crystal clear about what you're after. And when you're scoping out potential matches, keep an eye out for those little signs that they're ready for something serious too."
He continues, “Whether it's long-term love, a casual vibe, or just making new pals. No more wasting time on matches that aren't on the same page as you.”
On the advice he’d give to users who want to give dating apps another try, but are discouraged to do so:
“Let’s be honest. Dating apps are like any other technology —they're constantly evolving. So that app you checked out last year may have added new features, cool filters, and better ways to connect,” Kirkland says.
“If you're feeling a bit anxious about diving back into the dating app world, remember this: every swipe, chat, and date is a chance to learn something new about yourself. It's all about growth and discovery. Keep an open mind, but don't forget to set some boundaries and stay true to yourself. And if it all gets a bit overwhelming, take a breather.”
He adds, “Focus on some self-care, hit up your friends for a pep talk, or even chat with a pro if you need to. Because hey, who knows? The perfect match might just be a swipe away — so keep swiping.”
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