How This Couple Keeps God Front & Center In Their Marriage
In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
Whoever said that you've probably met your soulmate by a certain age may have been onto something. Ask Jeff and Danae Amponsah, a couple who knew of each other in high school but wouldn't meet up and fall in love until seven years later. "I was a freshman, and he was a senior. We lived so close to each other, we even rode the same bus," said Danae. So, how do two people on two different paths of life end up meeting and falling in love? Well, my favorite answer: Through the love and connection with God.
As a ministry leader for an on-campus ministry at Rutgers University, Danae spotted Jeff, noticing that he was also in their weekly bible study, weekly church service, and Sunday service as well. After a few encounters at the mall, the two shared their first date at Chipotle, and the rest is history.
Read on to hear how the couple officially knew the other was the 'one', what obstacles come up in marriage, and how they're keeping God front and center:
The One:
Danae: As crazy as it sounds, I knew he was going to be my husband on our first date.
Jeff: God had spoken to me previously and told me to be patient and that I would know who she is when I see her. I went on a few dates with my wife, fasted, and I felt a spiritual connection between us leading to physical and mental attraction as well.
"God had spoken to me previously and told me to be patient and that I would know who she is when I see her."
How They Met:
Danae: The funny thing is, we both went to the same high school but never spoke to one another. Fast forward to seven years later: I was a ministry leader for an on-campus ministry at Rutgers called ALIFE, and I spotted him. I saw him every Tuesday at bible study, every Thursday at mid-week church service, and every Sunday at church. I admired the fact that he was a church-going man, and that was very important to me. We kept running into each other at the mall, and he walked into the store I worked at the time. We talked for a few minutes and he asked me to lunch. After an amazing lunch date, we started hanging out with other friends, and going on group dates.
One day, he called me and asked if I was free to go out for dinner. We had a great night out, and from that moment on, we knew we wanted to pursue a relationship. Knowing that he was such a gentleman, and a God-fearing man, made me want to put my whole heart into the relationship. I just knew he was the one. After seriously dating for two weeks, Jeff told me I was going to be his wife one day. Just six months later, he proposed.
Jeff: We met at a church function, but we had crossed paths in the past during high school. For me, it wasn't about taking a chance, but more of knowing who I was and what I wanted. I saw how beautiful she was, our personalities clicked, and we just bonded immediately. We dated for about two weeks and then we both made a decision to get serious.
"Knowing that he was such a gentleman, and a God-fearing man, made me want to put my whole heart into the relationship. I just knew he was the one. After seriously dating for two weeks, Jeff told me I was going to be his wife one day. Just six months later, he proposed."
Deepest Fears:
Danae: I lived at home with my parents up until the day Jeff and I were married, while Jeff had lived on his own for years. I was spoiled and used to my parents cleaning up after me, and even making my dinner! Jeff is very neat and it was hard for me to adjust to my new way of living. My father's nickname for me was even "hurricane" because everywhere I went I made such a mess! Sometimes we would have arguments over the smallest things, like me not making the bed, or cooking. Over time, we learned to both accept who we were as individuals, and decided to work together on pleasing one another's needs. It's the small things that we do that make both of us happy.
Jeff: No fears. Obstacles, yes. Two personalities coming together, two different ways of living, a lot of compromising, sacrificing, and communication between what one likes and dislikes. I can say we have overcome our obstacles simply by praying and reading our word in the Bible and having strong faith. We have continued to grow and gained understanding to know that in a marriage, you give yourself up and put your spouse first.
Common Goals:
Danae: Having God at the center of our marriage was always, and will always be, the most important thing to us. After that? Respect. We both vowed never to disrespect one another, no matter how angry we would get. Having Christ at the center of our marriage is so important because, on the tough days, it's His word that gets us through it. Reading together and praying together helps us build with each other. We wouldn't be married if we both didn't have our own personal relationships with the Lord, and that is our favorite thing about each other.
Jeff: The most important thing in our marriage is keeping God at the center because, without Him, things can get real crazy. God helps us to check each other's flesh and [to use] his Word for wisdom to gain better understanding of how to communicate with ourselves first then with your spouse.
"Having Christ at the center of our marriage is so important because, on the tough days, it's His word that gets us through it. Reading together and praying together helps us build with each other. We wouldn't be married if we both didn't have our own personal relationships with the Lord, and that is our favorite thing about each other."
Love In Their Language:
Danae: We build by motivating and pushing each other, even when one of us doesn't want to hear it. I believe in Jeff's dreams, and he believes in mine. For us, one another's support is what keeps our marriage strong. We took premarital classes before we got married, so there weren't many things I wasn't expecting or prepared for, but I learned that actually going through it was harder than what I anticipated.
One thing I didn't expect to struggle with was how different we expressed our love for one another. I express my love through affirmation and physical touch, and Jeff expresses his love through his actions. I knew that he wasn't nearly as affectionate as [I am], but once we were married, I hoped for more. I have learned that he is affectionate, he just shows it a different way than I do. He made efforts to change, and then I realized I didn't want him to. I wanted him to stay exactly the same. Everything he does for me, I know he does because he loves me, and it makes me feel like I mean the world to him. Things like this have been a growing experience for me and has helped me as an individual and a wife.
Jeff: We understand that love is not just a feeling, but it's everything. It's peace. When we both started to understand this, our bond became stronger. One big thing that popped up the most in our marriage were the petty arguments we would have because of our pride, lack of understanding ideas, motives, and feelings. The great thing about this was, it was expected, we just needed to grow through it.
Being in a marriage has shown me a lot about myself, helping me to identify what it takes to be a great husband. I show my love to her by actions, and she wants verbal affirmation. This was another challenge for me but I made the changes for her and she made the change to accept who I am.
"We understand that love is not just a feeling, but it's everything. It's peace. When we both started to understand this, our bond became stronger. One big thing that popped up the most in our marriage were the petty arguments we would have because of our pride, lack of understanding ideas, motives, and feelings. The great thing about this was, it was expected, we just needed to grow through it."
Love Lessons:
Danae: The biggest love lesson that I have learned is to humble myself, and to put aside my pride. Now that we are expecting our first child together, I am also learning how important it is for us to be in the same book, even if we aren't on the same page. I am still learning that I learn something new every day about my husband, and he learns something new about me, and knowing that we will get to know each other more and more each day for the rest of our lives makes me so happy!
Jeff: The best love lessons I feel we have learned together are learning what true commitment is, learning self development, fulfilling one another's needs, and learning who's good at what so we can share and give each other roles as we build our family. I feel like everyday there is something new to learn because we are doing life together. She's my right foot and I'm the left, and we just coordinate great together knowing that we move on the same rhythm to get through life.
"The best love lessons I feel we have learned together are learning what true commitment is, learning self-development, fulfilling one another's needs, and learning who's good at what so we can share and give each other roles as we build our family."
The Best Part:
Danae: The best part of our marriage is our communication. Jeff is my best friend in the world. We can tell each other anything. We always tell each other the truth.
Jeff: The best part of my marriage is knowing that I will never be alone again. It gives me something to look forward to everyday because of our partnership. Nothing is perfect but the world my wife and I live in is perfect for us. I've always told myself, the highest title a man can give a woman is "Wife", and since I've found someone to give that title to, she deserves everything through the grace of God. Yes it's not easy, but it's simply worth the journey and commitment. More importantly, we both agree that we want to inspire other individuals that marriage is worth it.
For more of Jeff and Danae, follow them on Instagram.
Featured photo courtesy of Instagram/ @danae_chandani
Originally published on September 25, 2019
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Behind The Veil: Brides Get Real About The Hidden Cost Of Wedding Planning
As more attention and concern has been given to mental health over the past few years, the trend seems to have taken its time when it comes to wedding planning. Though one of the most joyous times of a woman’s life, becoming a bride also includes a lot of stress—and most social media content glosses over it.
“I scrubbed TikTok for the better part of a year, and 90% of the content is just about saving money, what not to do and trends,” one bride recalled. “But there was really nothing about how to take care of yourself.”
Extensive research has been done on the state of the modern wedding, and the financial findings alone are enough to cause strain. According to research from The Wedding Report, U.S. wedding costs rose by 3% in 2023 to over $30,000, which is nearly half the country’s average salary. In a study of almost 10,000 couples conducted by The Knot, wedding costs in large cities like New York and Los Angeles peaked at $63,000 and $48,000, respectively.
“I feel like they're taking advantage of a happy moment,” another bride admits. “We hire photographers on the daily, we hire videographers on the daily. We know what a normal day rate is. But just because you put the term 'wedding' on it, the prices are doubled.”
The Knot’s study also includes stats that put interpersonal stress into perspective. With the average wedding including 115 guests, most couples also had at least eight bridesmaids and groomsmen. The study also confirmed that 75% of couples’ foremost concern was whether or not their “guests are well taken care of and have a good time.” All of this can put inordinate pressure on relationships—so much so that couples seek therapy.
“I don't think people really talk about things like, ‘Hey, perhaps you should be in therapy while you're doing this,’” yet another bride confesses. “Of course, some people are in premarital therapy, but I had to be in individual therapy right around the time of the wedding planning as well because it was just a burnout situation.”
In an effort to share more authentic stories about the wedding planning process, we asked four brides to anonymously share their experiences. From destination weddings to a pandemic micro wedding, here is the real tea on just how much a wedding can affect one’s mental health.
raisazwart/ Getty Images
BRIDE #1
There’s a lie that they tell you, that destination weddings are cheaper—they're not. The amount of money that was due upfront for things was definitely a stressor. Even with my fiancé and I collectively grossing over $200,000, I knew I was going to have to get a second job if I wanted things the way that I wanted them.
For my bachelorette, I was met with a lot of resistance from my bridesmaids out the gate. There were just too many opinions for me; it got to the point where I was so fed up with my bridal party that I had other friends outside of my wedding party helping me with things. There were even bridesmaids who were actually cool with each other at first, and now don't deal with each other at all. I also just look at certain friendships differently now.
Then there’s just way too much pressure on brides to look perfect—to be skinny, to have flawless skin, to have the whitest teeth, to have the best hair. I really feel like that was a stressor. I was trying to stay consistent in the gym; I was doing it as much as possible. I spent so much money on skincare, new body scrubs, lotions, and oils, trying to make sure that I was perfect. I also made sure I got my teeth whitened every three months. It got to the point where I was dreading getting my dress fitted because I wasn't the weight or the shape that I felt like I needed to be in order to be ‘perfect.’
"Then there’s just way too much pressure on brides to look perfect—to be skinny, to have flawless skin, to have the whitest teeth, to have the best hair. I really feel like that was a stressor."
My partner and I were in couples counseling at the same time that we were wedding planning. And I think, for the most part, he was involved as much as he was going to be. But then, he lost his mom, and the entire weight of the wedding fell on me. A couple of months before the wedding, I had a breakdown. It was too much to carry. I definitely took on this superwoman armor, and it stressed me the fuck out.
Days before we left, we had our last counseling session. My fiancé and I had a really, really long conversation about what we weren't going to allow to ruin the weekend for us. I just let it go—all the shit that upset me, all the things that pissed me off, even the things that were happening while I was there, I let it go.
A destination wedding was one of the things that we agreed on long ago. We knew that we always wanted to do that. And honestly, we had a fucking blast. For the entire process to be as hellish as it was, the weekend was great. Thank God.
BRIDE #2
Planning a wedding—especially one during the pandemic—was so stressful. My wedding was supposed to be in May 2020, and I canceled the wedding because of the pandemic. But then August 2020 rolled around, and I was like, ‘You know what? Let's just do something small.’ So, I planned my micro wedding in two weeks.
Initially, I had about 250 people that were invited to the wedding. So scaling down to just 30 people was honestly the hardest thing, and I actually lost friends because of it. Honestly, it shocked me, the entitlement that people had, and it just made me look at them differently. I was like, ‘You know what? I'm actually grateful that this happened because maybe I don't need you in my life.’
But to be honest, I think that the pandemic helped me out. With my original wedding plan, I was adding so many things onto the bill because I wanted it to look good for social media, so much so that I was racking up almost $100,000 for my bill. I had to keep reminding myself that it was one day, and spending that much money on a one-day event was actually ridiculous. I only spent $10,000 on my micro wedding, and I feel like that's pretty good. I learned throughout the process that I was being charged more for having a wedding. So, I rented out a Peerspace and I told her it was just a nice dinner for friends and family, that we were already married and were just celebrating. She had no clue that I was walking down the aisle on her rooftop.
As a social media influencer, I knew that tons of photos would be taken, and I would have to post them. I had a crossbite on my two front teeth, and I was so stressed out about how I would look in photos. So, I got Invisalign before the wedding. I also found a hair stylist quickly for my microwedding and she did my wig—but she did such a bad job. I was like, ‘Oh my God, this is so embarrassing. People are gonna see me in my photos on my wedding day with this horrible, horrendous wig.’ I had to pluck it so much more. When I got the photos from the photographer, I told him that he could not post them until I edited them.
If I could give advice to other brides, I would say make sure you do it for you and your partner, nobody else. In the beginning, there were too many people in my ear. Once I started to realize that it was mine and my fiancé’s big day, and it was just us who mattered, that's what shifted everything for me. So don't lean into the pressures of pleasing other people and social media, just do what you think is right and what you truly, truly want.
Serhii Sobolevskyi/ Getty Images
BRIDE #3
The day you get engaged, there’s the attention and the immediate questions: ‘Do you have a date in mind?’ ‘Where are you gonna do it?’ And it was like, ‘I literally just got engaged, can I have one day?’ I got engaged on New Year's Eve and I didn't announce it until April—and that's because I was pressured.
I also didn't want a wedding. I didn't plan my wedding; my mom and family did that because that's what they wanted. So the venue, the flowers, the cake, they did all that because I didn't care. Back when things were going my way, I said I just wanted to do something small in a garden. The only thing I cared about was my dress because I knew my dress was going to be the main thing that was photographed. I always wanted a pink dress; I knew when I chose pink that it was going to be like, ‘Hmm, that's interesting.’
Matopeda Bride was making my dress in Nigeria. Do you understand how stressful it is doing something with somebody that lives in Nigeria? We had to find that sweet spot of time to talk because everything was done over WhatsApp. I didn't get my dress until the week before my wedding, and when I got the dress, it didn't fit. We were panicking a little bit, so much so that I forgot to buy wedding shoes. But when it all came together, that was probably what I was most proud of, because everybody said no to that pink dress and I was like ‘I don't care.’
I also had a zillion workarounds because I was not playing with these people taking advantage of brides. They rip brides off so bad. It's unfair because if you go to a makeup artist and just say you want soft glam, that's $80. But for a wedding? I was being quoted around $1,500 to $2,000 for that same $80 face. So I brought my homegirl, and she did my makeup for free. Wedding cakes were priced around the same, like $1,000 to $1,500. I ordered a white cake from Publix, it might have been like 100 bucks. My mom is a florist, so she put the flowers on the cake and then we ended up doing a cupcake tower around the side.
"They rip brides off so bad. It's unfair because if you go to a makeup artist and just say you want soft glam, that's $80. But for a wedding? I was being quoted around $1,500 to $2,000 for that same $80 face."
I also had no idea—and I'm grateful that they did not tell me—that there was tension between my bridesmaids. Once the wedding was over, I saw the text thread, and it really put a lot of things in perspective for me, because I saw who was willing, who was not responsive, and who wouldn't do things they were supposed to do. Initially, with the garden wedding, it was just going to be me and my fiancé. I didn't want a bridal party.
On the day of, I was so tired of being at a wedding that I left my reception, and I went to the back to talk to a friend. I was like, ‘This is too much.’ I really don't believe half the brides that have these big, obnoxious weddings even want to be there! I've been seeing a lot of content with brides saying, ‘Okay, this is too much. I'm gonna go somewhere and decompress.’
A bride should make sure that she is centered and has a full awareness of who she is and what she would like, and stand firm in that. Just be authentic, be you, and I think you'll be able to deal with it all a little bit better. Every time I hear that somebody bent just a little bit to accommodate people, there were always regrets.
BRIDE #4
I knew I wanted to have a destination wedding before I even had a boyfriend. I've been to destination weddings, and I had so much fun. But mine was a battle with me and my mom, because she was like, ‘Oh, your grandmothers won't be able to come and certain family members won't be able to fly.’ And I was okay with that. I was just like, ‘Well, in this instance it's about me and what I want.’
We had two ceremonies: an American one and a Nigerian one. How we saved money with two weddings was that for the Nigerian one, we didn't feed people. We were like, ‘We're not paying for two receptions.’ Normally, when you go to a traditional Nigerian wedding, they feed people at both, and it gets really, really expensive. But we did it at an all-inclusive resort, so we were like, ‘We'll do the ceremony, and then y'all can go on the resort and go get some food.’
I'm not Nigerian, my husband is, so I let his family handle all that. I ended up having to step in and be the middle man between our wedding party and his family because they wanted us to wear a certain fabric. We got all the fabric from Nigeria, so we had to get everyone's measurements and all that tedious stuff. That's what was complicated. We had to wear the geles, the headwraps, and we didn't know how to tie the geles. So I had to figure out how to get the geles pre-made for the girls because I wanted to do that. That was a big thing for me because this was my only time to have a cultural wedding.
With relationships, it's like people don't know how to not make it about themselves. People also weren't realizing that when they kept asking me for stuff, they were making my life harder. I'm in the middle of planning a wedding, and you're asking me for answers that I've already sent, which is just inconsiderate at the end of the day. I think that's the most frustrating part, and that's why you lose friends, because people wait until the last minute to do things, and they make it harder on you.
People were coming up to me like, ‘Are you having something borrowed? Something blue?’ No. Why am I stressing myself out over that? Because that's a tradition? We need to normalize people being different. Historically, if you're different, you're outcasted, but if that's what I want, I want what I want. I didn't want a garter. I didn't want to do a garter toss. I didn't do the bouquet thing or none of that. When it came to the reception outfit, people were like, ‘Why aren't you getting a dress?’ I didn't want a dress; I wore a white suit. I wore a white suit with a sexy lingerie bodysuit underneath because that's me. With some Jordans, because I'm a sneaker person.
Managing my mental health was about creating boundaries. I think I did a great job of creating boundaries throughout the whole process—I was very stern on what I wanted and what I didn't want.
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Featured image by Adriana Duduleanu/Getty Images