Our First Year: How The Ultimate Ultimatum Led This Couple To "I Do"
In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
It's true what they say, "absence makes the heart grow fonder," and after being in a three-year long-distance relationship the love between Ijeoma and Jonathan Kola is absolutely adoring! These love birds crossed paths freshmen year on the campus of Harvard University. Both bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, the two were eager to jumpstart their college careers and take on the world. But, as fate would have it, cupid interfered and redirected their sights.
"He gave me very 'fresh off the boat' vibes. I'm from Nigeria. I was born in Nigeria, but I grew up in America and Jonathan was born in Kenya and grew up in Kenya. He came to college from Kenya. To me, he was very African," recalled a hysterical Ijeoma. Jonathan's Prince Akeem in Coming to America persona didn't scream husband material to Ijeoma right away, but Ijeoma's bubbly personality and positive spirit intrigued Jonathan instantly.
During the couple's senior year, their friendship blossomed into a full-blown relationship. After graduation, Jonathan moved across the globe to Nigeria and Ijeoma moved to New York to pursue a second degree. She admitted she wasn't thinking about marriage then, but being in a long-distance relationship really forced them to really get to know each other on an emotional level. Two years later, Jonathan moved back to the U.S. to attend graduate school in California. By the second year of their long-distance romance, Ijeoma knew she could spend eternity with Jonathan. "I knew that I wanted to be with him, but I also knew I didn't want to be long-distance," said Ijeoma. She spiced things up when she presented Jonathan with the ultimate ultimatum.
Read carefully ladies, Ijeoma told Jonathan, "If you don't propose by my birthday, we got to keep it moving." Keep it moving was clearly the last thing Jonathan wanted to do. A few days before her 25th birthday, Jonathan popped the question and the rest was history. In this installment of Our First Year, Ijeoma and Jonathan sat down with xoNecole and gave us all the details on their struggle with communication, loosening family ties, and the best advice they received during their first year of marriage. Here's what they had to say:
*Responses have been edited and condensed for clarity.
The One
Ijeoma: I don't know if there was an exact moment [when I knew he was the one]. Maybe after the second year of being long-distance. I was living in New York, and I had other options. I kind of felt like if I was willing to do this long-distance with this guy who's so far away in Nigeria at the time, then I must really care for him. I think that's when I knew he was the one. It was during that long-distance process.
Jonathan: When we started dating in college, marriage wasn't really on my radar. As we continued dating and things were working out well, it was pretty natural just to fall deeper into the relationship. Until Ijeoma said, "If you don't propose by my birthday we have to keep it moving." I was just about to graduate. I was trying to picture myself down the road. I was trying to figure out life. She made me see that it was the right time. For me, it was natural with a bit of encouragement. We were dating, we kept dating, and it was going well.
Courtesy of Jonathan & Ijeoma
"I was trying to figure out life. She made me see that it was the right time. For me, it was natural with a bit of encouragement. We were dating, we kept dating, and it was going well."
Meet Me At The Altar
Ijeoma: After his first year of business school, which I think was the summer of 2015, he was in school in California. We were doing long-distance. He did an internship in New York, so we lived together for that summer. In general, I am not comfortable living together before marriage, but we decided to do it because of financial reasons. That process of living together made me feel I wasn't going to shack up with somebody who wasn't trying to marry me. So, I think us living together in that summer, at least from a time perspective, made me feel like marriage was the next thing that we needed to do if we wanted to spend so much time together. If we wanted to be together all day and create a shared space together, then we should get married. Emotionally, I was probably there before then, but I think from a practical perspective it was after that summer. I was like, oh no, we need to get married if you trying to be with me all day.
Jonathan: I think for me knowing that I could spend the rest of my life with Ijeoma in a relationship was one thing, but taking the steps to get married and formalizing that was a different thing. You can feel one way toward somebody, but still feel like in your mind this isn't the right moment to get married. It was just a natural progression for me. She was exhibiting all the right things I liked like being caring, loving, sweet and I just enjoyed spending time with her. Those are things that reveal themselves over time, but they all add up to that feeling of okay, this is the one.
Courtesy of Jonathan & Ijeoma
"It was just a natural progression for me. She was exhibiting all the right things I liked like being caring, loving, sweet and I just enjoyed spending time with her. Those are things that reveal themselves over time, but they all add up to that feeling of okay, this is the one."
Overcoming Fears In Marriage
Ijeoma: Before getting married, I would talk to my mom about everything. So, something I believed would have to change if I wanted my marriage to be successful [was that there would have to be] things that I talk about with my husband that I don't share with the outside world because it's just between us. I have to train my mind to remember he is my family now. Sharing goods new with him is sufficient, and I don't need to go talk to my mom. Even when I'm looking for advice, it's okay for things just to be between him and I. I think that is what I was most worried about--whether I would be able to keep my mouth shut and not reveal all our business to my parents and to my other friends. I'm doing an okay job.
Jonathan: My biggest fear going into marriage was probably my biggest default--that was my trajectory. In my mind, from day one when I left Kenya, I thought I was going to move back and get a job. When you meet someone and make a commitment, all that stuff kind of goes out the window. In my mind, all those things that I wanted to do, I had to reevaluate. That was scary. Then I realized, marriage is two people coming together and being able to bring different goals and perspectives and trying to make it workable for both. I think it's something we are still working on, and we are taking short-term steps to see how we work. I think it is one of those challenges you face in marriage to become one.
Conflict Resolution
Ijeoma: For me, similarly, it's communication but on the opposite side of the spectrum. Growing up, I saw from my mom interestingly, not even from my dad, but my mom's style of communication to anyone was pretty abrasive when she is upset. Early on, I would raise my voice. Which would only be exaggerated when he would close the door, and go somewhere and not talk to me for three hours. I had to unlearn saying exactly how I felt at that moment. Although that might work for me and make me feel good, that might not be what the other person is ready to hear. Our unlearning goes hand in hand because they come from such different sides of the spectrum of conflict resolution and communication.
Jonathan: Whenever I'm pissed off, my initial reaction is not to tell her why I am pissed off. I just like to scowl at her for a couple of hours. It's not a good thing and I recognize that. That's one area where I'm trying to be better. Getting over things more quickly.
Courtesy of Jonathan & Ijeoma
"I had to unlearn saying exactly how I felt at that moment. Our unlearning goes hand in hand because they come from such different sides of the spectrum of conflict resolution and communication."
Important Lessons In Marriage
Ijeoma: I actually learned a lot about myself. Loving him has taught me that I am capable of doing things I didn't think I was capable of doing. He has supported me through my Ph.D. journey. I wanted to quit so, so, so many times, and he really was my rock on numerous occasions. He encouraged me endlessly, and also gave me the freedom to feel I can do it in my own way. The only reason I was able to finish is because I was able to let go of the traditional understanding of getting a Ph.D., going to conferences, and writing papers. He encouraged me to look beyond the typical traditional task and forge my own path, and do it in a way that would make me happy and fulfill my needs. That was the only way I was able to get it done. His support showed me that I am really, really strong and I can do a lot of things.
Jonathan: For me, [I've learned] everything is a choice. The way you respond to things is a choice. Sometimes I'm just stubborn. The sun will shine the next day and life will go on. Bad behaviors that build up over time can become very toxic. Just in the state of giving good vibes and good energy, it's the little small choices that can bring the right energy. It's healthier, and you grow from it.
Courtesy of Jonathan & Ijeoma
"He has supported me through my Ph.D. journey. I wanted to quit so, so, so many times, and he really was my rock on numerous occasions. He encouraged me endlessly, and also gave me the freedom to feel I can do it in my own way."
Love Language
Ijeoma: With me, it's about trying all the love languages and seeing what sticks that day. Jonathan is pretty simple when it comes to love language. For him, acts of service and quality time are the top two. We spend a lot of time together. We are very fortunate to spend a lot of time together. I'm quite messy, so I try to do things I know will make him happy or will take a load off him. I will often take on things I know he has to do or forgot to do. We took the test before we got married which definitely helped us.
Jonathan: Some people switch up their love language. They'll tell you it's one thing, but it's another. Sometimes you just have to do all five.
Common Goals
Ijeoma: A couple of weeks before we got married, we took a weekend trip and wrote out our marriage mission statement and our marriage values. It was Jonathan's idea. I don't know where he got it from. It was actually really good! It helped set a foundation for us. Our goal in marriage is to love one another the way that God loves us and to use our marriage as a way to share God's love and light with other people.
Jonathan: I wouldn't change anything she said. I want to amplify one point. It's really about making sure both of us are fulfilled and happy. As for goals, it just has to fit in the context of our marriage. If my individual goals don't fit into the context of our marriage, then I can't do it. At the end of the day, that's what's important.
Courtesy of Jonathan & Ijeoma
"Our goal in marriage is to love one another the way that God loves us and to use our marriage as a way to share God's love and light with other people."
Favorite Advice
Ijeoma: There was a time where I was on the phone with my mom, I was cooking and Jonathan had just come home from work. I had her on speakerphone, she asked, "Is that your husband?" I said, "Yes." She said, "Okay then, bye." I told her it's okay Jonathan doesn't mind, we can keep on talking. She said, "No, your husband is home. It's now time for you to be with him and spend time with him. You and I can talk some other time." That was a super-powerful moment because as I said earlier, that was something I had to work on--prioritizing my relationship with my husband as my first earthly relationship. Once we are back in the same space, it doesn't matter who you are on the phone with, what you're doing, stop and take time for each other and spend a little bit of time together.
Jonathan: The most memorable piece of advice I got was from a cousin who said, "Whenever I travel somewhere, I should bring back something small for my wife." Whether it's a hat or makeup bag, just something random. It's such a small gesture but it goes a long way.
For more of Ijeoma and Jonathan, follow her on Instagram and read her lifestyle blog here.
Update:
Soon they'll will have to make time and space for their first bundle of joy. Congratulations are in order as Ijeoma and Jonathan welcome their first child! To learn how Ijeoma broke the news to Jonathan, watch the video below. Stay up to date as they navigate marriage and parenthood by subscribing to Ijeoma's YouTube channel.
The Kola Family Is Expanding! Pregnancy Q&Awww.youtube.com
- We Got Married Five Days After He Proposed - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Our First Year: Dr. Carjie and Dr. Kerwin Scott - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Our First Year: Ray & Roslyn Singleton, Marriage - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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After Solo Travel Burnout, A Group Retreat In Luxury Was The Return To Sisterhood I Needed
Solo travel has been gaining in popularity among Black women for years, with many choosing to do adventures alone for various reasons. In fact, 70 percent of women, overall, enjoy solo trips. We've even shifted the landscape of travel trends and offerings, with hotels, resorts, and travel agents offering the "perfect" solo travel packages or lists of the "best places for solo travel."
I've been in a solo travel season for about seven years now, venturing out alone to see the world. I'd welcomed the solitude after years of family members flaking, showing disinterest, or simply not being able to afford to travel. It was also just what I needed after a few rough and utterly traumatic years of toxic relationships, major betrayals, and lackluster reciprocity from so-called friends.
I also fell in love during that period and was in a long-distance relationship, so I'd often solo travel to meet up with bae.
But like anything you go hard at for a long period of time, burnout soon comes knocking, and I'd recently been yearning to finally get back into connection with other women, sharing memories and experiences in a group versus just by myself.
There's something very isolating and lonely in solo traveling, and as much as I love my man, I began craving sisterhood and friendship with other women.
When I got the opportunity to experience the Fab Body Retreat—an experience for women, by women—hosted at the luxurious all-inclusive Sonesta Ocean Point Resort in St. Maarten, I more than jumped. The fitness and wellness retreat, launched by Deanna Robinson, a health and wellness advocate and entrepreneur, turned out to be just what I needed. I not only got the chance to visit an island I'd never been to but I had fun with a great group of Black women professionals and entrepreneurs.
I was able to process through the trauma, bitterness, and hurt I'd felt and get past the long-standing apprehensions I'd had about connecting personally with other women.
Janell Hazelwood for xoNecole
A 'Royal' Introduction And Networking
The first night, we enjoyed a "Royal Dinner" where we all wore blue under the night stars and with the ocean as our backdrop. We all got a chance to introduce ourselves and enjoy Caribbean dishes including marinated snapper, rice and peas, stewed meats, and other assorted side dishes.
Mia Benjamin/@socialbymjh
Janell Hazelwood for xoNecole
Fitness And Fun
Initially, I was a bit apprehensive about the fitness part, as I'd been struggling to lose the same 20 lbs for the last two years. To be honest, I wasn't excited about wearing a bikini around other women, nor was I looking forward to working out at the wee hours of the morning. But I'd made a pact with myself to open up and show up. And that, I did.
The whole theme of the retreat was "Elevation," so it was important for me to look past my hangups and stretch myself to get back on track with connection, timeliness, and openness.
Bright and early on the resort's beach, we had morning workouts, strengthening our core and incorporating cardio. These workouts were scheduled into almost every day of the 4-day retreat, and it was surprisingly fun. Some of the activities were perfect for team-building and competition, reviving my love of sport and recreation. Deanna, Sihnuu Hetep, yoga practitioner and educator, Rachel Martin, co-founder of Morph Transformation Center, and M'Balia Rucker led the retreat fitness activities, adding dance and other interactive elements and making working out more enjoyable. And, of course, getting the energy from the sun and sea was a plus.
It was energizing. To see women of all shapes, ages, sizes, and levels of fitness, and to be affirmed in that diversity of capabilities was empowering and renewed my sense of optimism about restarting my wellness journey to get back into more healthy eating and exercise habits.
We also enjoyed a luxe yacht party, where we cruised the beautiful waters of St. Maarten, enjoying a special Caribbean meal of curry chicken, rice, salad, assorted juices, and unlimited mimosas. The vibes were chill, and many of us enjoyed a dip in the water or snorkeling, while others preferred chatting while sunbathing and reflecting.
I met sisters who'd traveled from Bowie, Maryland who reminded me of my own beloved aunts: one, a vibrant and accomplished saxophonist named Sharon Thomas, and another, Iris Lattimore, founder of Lattimore's Funnel Cakes. They each told me of their own experiences of traveling the world together, visiting every Caribbean island, and holding dear their sister bond, spread between their extended family in the Washington D.C.-Maryland-Virginia (DMV) area.
Janell Hazelwood for xoNecole
Slumber And Pool Parties
The itinerary also included a slumber party, where we all wore our pajamas and sat on pillows and lounge chairs amid soothing blue tones. There were small bites available, and panelists, including licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Alicia Hodge and entrepreneurs Zakia Blain (CEO of apparel line FBF Body), Brittney Carter (founder, B. Carter Solutions), and Natalie Nicole Smith (founder, the NNAgency Inc., and NNBody), sharing their phenomenal personal experiences with loss, renewal, and growth, very fitting for the theme of the night.
I was able to open up and safely release my trauma of feeling hurt by past misunderstandings. I truly gained a sense of support from the women in the room who could relate. The environment was very respectful, and the vibes made me feel like I was among family. One common theme among all of us, from diverse industries, life experiences, and parts of the U.S., was resilience and a belief in the dynamic power of women supporting women. It was refreshing to connect with like-minded, down-to-earth individuals who are all about pouring into other women.
We also shared small Caribbean bites, coffee, and tea to complement the night's questions and confessions. Deanna urged us all to tap into how we might be elevating beyond our fears, past traumas, and even a few current challenges, which women openly shared as well in the safe space.
Janell Hazelwood for xoNecole
The final night was all about pool fun, where we played volleyball, enjoyed a DJ spinning Caribbean and Top 100 hits and live entertainment by carnival-inspired performers, and got to enjoy the night air. We all were able to simply enjoy one another's company and get one last dance and dip in the pool in before it would be time to wake up early for a final morning workout and the transportation (also included with the retreat's amenities) to catch our flights back home.
While this was a wellness retreat, there was a special mix of enjoyment where you could partake in the open bar if you wanted to or drink fresh juices and water. It didn't feel like I was forced into an extreme version of "wellness" or "fitness" and I could pace myself in order to find the right sort of balance for me.
Backdrop Of All-Inclusive Luxury
One huge part about the trip that I loved was, after years of attending conferences in the backdrop of paradise and feeling like I never got a chance to actually enjoy the environment, there was a great balance between scheduled activities and free time to develop deeper, more personal connections with self and members of the group, an intergenerational community of women ages 30 to 65.
The 130-suite adults-only “resort within a resort” has four pools (including a Seascape pool with a swim-up bar), four bars, and three restaurants, including the signature Azul restaurant, which was my favorite. It had its own private beach and a fresh-water pool that afforded me cliff-side views of the ocean.
The 24-hour room service was divine, and you could work out on your own with a view of the grounds from the state-of-the-art fitness center, open-air well-being area, and private cabanas. The resort also offered nightly entertainment to enjoy with the group and a gaming emporium, Casino Royale.
I was also able to enjoy a meal (from a local spot within walking distance outside of the resort) of curry goat and roti, one of my favorite dishes reflective of my love of Trinidadian food. The community there, from the hospitality professionals at the resort to the vacationers, was diverse. I met people from Guyana, Trinidad, Jamaica, and Europe in the short time I was there.
Sonesta Ocean Point Resort, St. Maarten
Sonesta Ocean Point Resort, St. Maarten
This retreat not only reminded me that sister bonds are necessary, but it allowed me to see that the past can be left there and that the present is full of opportunities to meet new, amazing women. The Fab Body Retreat was a manifestation of the founder's commitment to women's empowerment and love and was reflected in her efforts to include Black- and women-owned businesses in everything, including her gift bags (featuring items from brands Mela Vitamins, Mischo Beauty, and Vigor Roots) and contract women-owned vendors (IV Event Rentals).
It was the perfect boost of positivity and affirmation I needed to continue in my journey to heal and reconnect with the beauty of Black women's kinship and connective force.
For more information on the next Fab Body Retreat, visit their website or follow them on Instagram @fabbodyretreat.
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Featured image by Alvaro Medina Jurado/Getty Images