This Couple Says That Your Relationship Should Make You Feel Closer To God
In xoNecole's Our First Year series, we take an in-depth look at love and relationships between couples with an emphasis on what their first year of marriage was like.
I desire to be loved wholly and intensely by a man who makes me feel closer to God. Whew, chile. Y'all didn't hear me. Let me run it back for you.
I'm talking about the kind of love that runs so deep that a man gets on his knees and prays over me every day. I want a love so patient that I know that it was divinely ordained by God every time he speaks life over me. The kind of love I'm describing is one that Trade Street Jam Co. owner, Ashley Marie and her husband, Don Rouse have been cultivating for 12 years.
The Brooklyn-based couple, who will welcome their first child in July, recently sat down with xoNecole to give us a glimpse into the first year of their modern-day love story, and according to them, it has been nothing short of an act of God. Ashley explained, "God told me he was the one so long before he proposed. I knew early on that we'd be the ones to break the cycle of divorce that our families were so accustomed to."
In our chat, Ashley and Don got real about faith, fears, finances, and how to find balance when you and your partner speak different love languages.
Here's what we learned:
The One:
Ashley: All I know is, our chemistry was so great. I fell in love with Don the way you fall asleep...slowly, and then all at once. We argued a lot in the beginning (mainly I argued because I'm an only child and I was used to getting my way). But I could never deny how good we were together any other time. Our values really did align perfectly, from schoolwork to family to finances, goals and dreams, I just knew that he made me feel really good inside. And he was so patient with me. I'd never met anyone like that before.
Don: It took me longer to realize Ashley was the one. We actually broke up because I wasn't sure where I wanted to take the relationship. During that period of separation, I learned my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It was tough for me as it reminded me of my brother who died from cancer and I couldn't imagine going through this situation again. My dad decided to explore Cancer Treatment Center for his situation and they do a great job of adding faith into the treatment plan. One of their methods is having you engage in activities that made you think about your spirituality. One of these activities was making tranquility beads.
So I am literally sitting with my baby sister and the instructor is telling us to add beads for people we love in our life, people who help us be better people, and people who you are willing to go through fire with. Ashley was the first person that came to my mind. That is when I realized I had f*cked up. I had to swallow my pride and make this right. Luckily she was willing.
Deepest Fears
Ashley: We differ here. I didn't have any fears...honestly!
Don: What fears? (laughs) I was scared about everything. Money, kids and a new chapter of life. When I took a step back, those fears were self-inflicted and came from the wrong perspective. When I changed my perspective on marriage and our union, it changed how I approached the next phase in our relationship.
"I was scared about everything. Money, kids and a new chapter of life. When I took a step back, those fears were self-inflicted and came from the wrong perspective. When I changed my perspective on marriage and our union, it changed how I approached the next phase in our relationship."
Baggage Claim
Ashley: I wouldn't say Don had much "baggage". Again, we were so young when we met. He did have a girl that he used to date that wouldn't really accept that they were over for a while, but she had nothing on me. I did have to unlearn some of my (what I later learned were) selfish habits. Again, I'm an only child––I've only ever had to look out for me. That kinda hit me hard over the years, having to admit that I was being selfish in some ways and learning how not to always think about myself first before others. But like I said, Don was always so patient with me, so he sat back and let me figure it out over the years while always supporting me along the way.
Don: I was used to being self-sufficient and had pride in never needing anything from anyone. However, that isn't going to work in a relationship or marriage. I had to learn to collaborate with my wife versus just solving problems/situations on my own. It is still something I have to work on almost daily.
Love Languages
Ash: I'm still learning how Don gives and receives love. I have to remind myself all the time that he won't show love like I will; he'll show it in much deeper, more meaningful ways than always outwardly expressing it to the world. But man, does he show it. Once you can understand that about your partner, you can grow so much deeper in love.
Don: Our love languages are different but there are some overlaps. I had to learn that I have to intentionally work on making sure I give her what she needs from me. And sometimes, that varies day-to-day.
"I'm still learning how Don gives and receives love. I have to remind myself all the time that he won't show love like I will; he'll show it in much deeper, more meaningful ways than always outwardly expressing it to the world. But man, does he show it. Once you can understand that about your partner, you can grow so much deeper in love."
Important Lessons
Ashley: Marriage really is like a job, one that you can never retire from. But, it can be a really beautiful job that you enjoy wholeheartedly; one that you can't wait to go to and work harder at because you know that the harder you work, the greater the reward. Also, putting God at the forefront will keep us on track forever.
Don: Marriage requires work but a lot of the work is self-reflection. Being able to understand you can't change someone but you can change what you do and how you respond to certain things. Too many times we put the blame on someone else without ever considering our role in a situation.
"Marriage really is like a job, one that you can never retire from. But, it can be a really beautiful job that you enjoy wholeheartedly; one that you can't wait to go to and work harder at because you know that the harder you work, the greater the reward. Also, putting God at the forefront will keep us on track forever."
Overcoming Challenges
Ashley: Don will probably say he mostly worried about being able to support us as a family. I didn't really struggle very much. Women are built for this––we have such maternal instincts to run a household. We had stayed together quite often before actually moving in, so they're weren't many habits that surprised me. He's always been really good at keeping his space pretty clean!
Don: I was worried about finances but we actually figured that out pretty easily. Once we got a good system, finances became less of a concern.
Best Advice
Ashley: Keep other people out of your relationship! Especially family (laughs).
Don: Make sure you increase your date nights and quality time together in your first year. A mentor of mine said it is easy to come off the high of the wedding and things fall flat. The wedding is a great time and you are on an emotional high but you have to make sure you continue that throughout your first year and beyond. We took a few extra trips during our first year and did a good job of having date nights on Friday. That extra quality time made a big difference.
Building Together
Ashley: We really want to raise a healthy, happy family and uproot as many of the systemic things from our culture and our past as we can, like racism against our own people, financial instability, divorce, abuse and more. Now that we're expecting, we have such greater purposes, and we definitely align on what those are.
Don: To raise a family that contributes to the culture. Ash and I are both about helping people, being honest and transparent. If we can establish that in our family, it is a huge win. Our relationship is really rooted in our faith. Since being married, our faith has increased and it makes the meaning of marriage a lot different.
We go through challenges like everyone, but the faith aspect gives us a different perspective on things as those challenges arise. Individually, we are both committed to being better people. We focus on getting better every day in some way and with that mentality, you can't lose.
For more Ashley and Don, follow them on Instagram!
Featured image courtesy of Instagram/@ashleymarierouse.
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
I didn’t think much could get better about the blissful high that comes with oral. That was until I came across the Kivin Method.
As someone who was never a huge fan of oral sex and could largely take it or leave it, I must admit that I have started to come around in recent years. With my head thrown back, hands gripping sheets and hair, and toes curling from the intense sensations of the work my partner is putting in at my center, I now give myself over to the pleasurable act wholly and unapologetically.
When I came across a way to maximize the pleasure I receive from cunnilingus (already), I had no choice but to tap in. Who knew the key to taking oral sex to new heights was giving it a sideways twist? For those of you who might also be interested in ways to spice up the way you do oral, experience faster and stronger orgasms, or simply want to indulge in something new with your partner, the Kivin Method could definitely be the oral sex technique for you, too.
Keep reading to learn about the method that is sure to have you writhing in ecstasy in no time at all.
What Is The Kivin Method?
For the uninitiated, the Kivin Method is an oral sex technique that focuses on stimulating the clitoris from a different angle. Dubbed “sideways oral” by some, this method involves the action of giving head from a side-to-side movement as opposed to the up-and-down motion that people typically perform when giving head. (If you need a visual, this illustration is helpful.)
The difference in approach as you’re receiving head can be a game-changer in how you receive pleasure. Not only does the giving partner have access to the clitoris, but they can also access more easily the vulva and the labia, which are objectively a bigger focus in this version of cunnilingus. More access means wider coverage, and that, plus the new sensation of oral from a different angle, can heighten the way you experience oral sex that much more.
Where more pleasure flows, intense orgasms are sure to follow.
Getty Images
How To Do The Kivin Method
If you want to know how to do the Kivin Method, it’s actually pretty straightforward. The receiver lays on their back while the giver positions themselves perpendicular to the receiver. Their head will be facing the vulva, but instead of vertical, their face will be horizontal to the vulva.
From there, the giver can get to business, ensuring that they keep their head perpendicular to the receiver’s vulva while working on their craft. Because this technique can be more intense for some receivers, start slowly by stroking the vulva and clitoris sideways with the tongue, and allow sensations and communication from the receiver to be a guide of what you need more or less of with the Kivin Method.
Ultimately, the Kivin Method allows experimentation and unlocking what pressure, rhythm, and tricks work best for the giver and the receiver. Try implementing a finger or two, or adding a sex toy to the mix to intensify the act even further.
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Featured image by Delmaine Donson/Getty Images